Spinoff of Onlies Thread: Hey SnuggleBuggles

[ha98ed14]

I see from your sig that your DSs are exactly 5.5 years appart. So for 5.5 years, DS1 was an only. Would you share how his toddler and early preschool social development went, pre DS2? Did he have trouble sharing? Did you make a point to put him in pre-school or playgroups with other kids? What was helpful, what was not? How did other parents treat you in the years you only had one?

I am pretty firm (right now) that I only want one. But that is in part because my preg was very hard for me and I don't want to do it again. (DH isn't prepared to adopt.) And because I am selfish and like the ease (ha!) of one. I also don't think I could do 2 very well. I get frustrated just getting out of the house with one!

Anyway, I'd love your thoughts on this, if you're willing to share.

[clc053103]

Ditto to what ha98ed14 said- I'm all ears too and would love to hear other's experiences of the toddler/preschool years with one child.

Courtney

[ha98ed14]

I have read "Parenting an Only Child" by Susan Newman. Personally, I thought her tone was kinda pushy- like having an only child was the best choice. But I think she is just being defensive of HER choice to only have one. She admits she only had one because of her desire for a career. But I still think it is worth the read.

The best adivce I got from her book is to make sure that your only-child family had a kid-friendly atmosphere. With a 2 adults to 1 one child ratio, it is easy for the atmosphere and home decor to be all-adult oriented. For example- we eat a lot of "weird" food (my nephew's words) and listen to NPR in the car. DD is too young for real food, but yes, I expect she will eat tofu and lentils and "learn to like it." But too much of that is going to wear on your child, so some nights its gotta be chicken nuggets and fries. And I would rather listen to NPR than the Veggie Tales CD, but I expect I will have to compromise at some point. She also said to let your only bring a friend to museums and even on vacation so they have someone to play with. I think her main point was to actually give your only child a Childhood and not to make them a mini-adult. Luckily DH and I have a silly side and like going to kids movies and parks and kid friendly museums. (Its just all the other kids I have a problem with LOL!)

[clc053103]

thank you for that info!! DS and I love to go out to dinner and we take DS. Now that he's 2 1/2 we are trying to make more "kid friendly" selections that are more fun for DS than us - like we ate at Red Robin the other night. NEver would we have done that before. But I do see the point of not making him a "little adult".

We are also picking out a big boy bed and I am pushing for bunk or trundle so he can always have friends sleep over. We've also made DS his own play room, but we keep a supply of toys in the family room as well as his own chair in our adult-decor first floor.

Though I admit, I did do the Music Together CD in the car briefly until it made my ears bleed, DS is listening to- and singing along- to the NEw Wave sirius station!

[ha98ed14]

LOL! I wonder if I just never introduce kid music in the car, will she never miss it? Is it possible to insulate your child from all annoying kid things? After all, ignorance is bliss!

I have a good friend (w/ 3 boys) who takes the batteries out of all their toys that go beep and tells them that they are "broken." The oldest one caught on around 5, but it still works for the younger 2. Maybe I can tell my DD that we have a special forcefield around out house and certain things don't work here.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Let's see...

We loved having just one though we planned on 2. After not too long we decided that our family of 3 felt perfect.

There were a lot of good things and some challenges though. It is hard to say for sure whether we would have had the same issues if ds had a sibling or not though. There are some things that just seem to be his personality.

He had "impulse control" issues in preschool. I think he did fine on sharing in relation to his peers. I noticed that the kids that had older siblings didn't hit at school, even when they were 2- early 3. It almost seemed like they had better coping skills because they had to deal with siblings. I also think that because they had the chance to roughhouse they kind of got that urge out of their system. Ds didn't really have the chance to wrestle and play like that- which I think is a natural way for them to behave at that age in some ways. These were just some observations on that end. We had some rough patches at preschool. We actually went to a psychologist about him. The conclusion after 2 visits was that he knew what he should be doing but was having a hard time doing it (hitting is faster and easier than reasoning and talking). Things actually resolved on their own so we only needed those 2 appointments.

He was into parallel play at school and didn't really seek out other kids much at school. He was far more likely to want to do stuff with the teachers.

We have a lot of family in the area, grown ups only (aunts, uncles and grandparents), so he is used to getting a lot of attention from other adults. I think that played a role in his development. He is used to the predictability of adults so I think he gravitated towards them.

Dh and I often let ds explore the world on his own at home. Ds was very easy to please and great at solo play. He never was the kind of kid that demanded someone always be with him. My friends have a 3.5 year gap and their little guy had more issues with sharing and attention seeking than my ds and I wonder if it was because they never really let him play alone.

My ds has always been very stubborn and likes to do things in his own way. I don't know if a sibling would have changed that. For example, potty training was a gigantic battle. He was not going to do it till he was ready. When he was ready he was done in a day. This has been a recurring theme.

I got us out and about quite a bit. I would say it was just the 2 of us more than with other families. He has a lot of good skills, I would say, as a result. He has always been great at restaurants and in other more adult situations. He doesn't expect things to always be active play and kid centered. I tend to think of him as being more independent and self sufficient than his friends.

We did a lot of things for him too. We are members to just about every museum and playplace in town. I just tried to keep a balance.

We did belong to a playgroup and set up about 1 playdate every other week, sometimes every week. I also had us in about 1 class/ term. We did dance, swimming and gymnastics. Some of those classes were flops because he wasn't too into the rules. He has always been a limit tester and wanted to see how much he could get away with from the instructor. (This didn't really start till he was around 3yo- before that he was pretty cooperative :).) It took us a while to learn that he really responds well to a firm set of rules and structure. With those he does great.

Playgroup and playdates were usually pretty successful. He acted a lot like the other boys in his group wrt hitting, sharing and parallel play and those boys had siblings. It made me think that some of his issues were simply being a boy. The main difference seemed to be that when his friends weren't around their parents they seemed to behave better than ds would. None of them seemed to have preschool or class challenges.

For the most part people didn't treat me differently because I just had one. There were times that I think people were more willing to ask me for help with babysitting because I only had one. And I recall a few occasions where people would imply that I had it easy as a parent because I only had one child, like I had it so much easier.

The preschool challenges were hard. I just don't know if it would have been any different if he had a sibling or not though. It could have played out that way no matter what. It could be too that we just didn't have him in the right place. He is doing so well at his kindergarten and he had started off the year with the same issues he had in preschool. It could just be age and maturity too.

There were some absolutely wonderful things about having just one. In fact, if I hadn't gotten pregnant so quickly after having my IUD out I was going to get it put back in and be happy with our little family. It got to the point where it really was easy (as easy as it can be with a little one :)). We had figured out the dynamics of our family. It just worked for us. We were happy.

I knew that by being an only he would miss out on having a sibling but I thought that there were a lot of good things that he would have in life regardless. 2 parents that love him, could provide for him, a large extended family that was there for him...I really did think that I wasn't going to be shortchanging him any in life if we didn't have more kids. A stable family with parents that love each other goes a long way, I think.

It's been interesting going back to babyhood. In some ways a baby is easier since their needs are pretty simple. On the other hand, I think I am personally a better parent to 4+yo because I like being able to talk and reason with him. If I were to do it again I would have the exact same spacing again.

I don't know if in all that rambling I addressed everything. I'd be happy to answer any other questions though (or be more clear about what I already said ;))

Beth

[SnuggleBuggles]

Hee hee about the kid music. :) NPR all the way here. Poor ds. When I first got my iPod I made him a mix of songs but it was all music he liked which ranged from They Might Be Giants, Beastie Boys, Bob Marley, Raffi to Laurie Berkner. He listens to what I do and tunes out NPR (just like I used to when I was a kid :)).

I do think we have a good balance though. For the TV we sometimes do his choice, my choice.

Beth

[tny915]

He was into parallel play at school and didn't really seek out other kids much at school. He was far more likely to want to do stuff with the teachers.

We have a lot of family in the area, grown ups only (aunts, uncles and grandparents), so he is used to getting a lot of attention from other adults. I think that played a role in his development. He is used to the predictability of adults so I think he gravitated towards them.

DD was like this when she started preschool at almost 3. It took her a full year to want to play with other kids. She loved adults for their predictability and never really seemed to trust kids before that point. As an only, home is a very calm place for her, that's what she was used to and she just didn't understand screaming, excited and running around kids.

DD was never an independent solo-play kind of girl. My parents take care of her while we work, and they play with her ALL day long. Had we had a sibling, DD would have been forced to make do on her own.

However, so much social development happened for DD from ages 3-4. From around the time she turned 4, she started making friends at school, asking for playdates, seeking out other children to play with, looking less for the teachers to interact with. She started playing at home on her own for long stretches. She will be 4.5 when the new baby's born. The teachers all agreed that this worked out to be the perfect time for her to have a sibling, because she's socially and emotionally ready for it.

And life around our house is pretty child-centered. Vacations to Disneyland, toys all over the house, dinners at burger joints, and kids music in the car.

[ha98ed14]

Beth,

This is great! Thanks for sharing your experience. I think you are right that your DS's pre-school issues were just issues that some boys (and probably sometimes girls) face and it would not have mattered if he had a sibling. He still would have been himself if he was a first or an only. And he was both at different times- but still himself with his own set of talents and issues.

My friend with 3 boys homeschools them, with heavy involvement from homeschool group/ co-op. I think part of the reason she did this was to let them be boys. I know she read a book that said boys have it harder in an organized school setting because the normal boy behaviors, which can include aggressive actions, are "bad." And I think she just wanted her boys to have a little room to be, well, boys.

I have a girl, so I think I will "get off easy" with regard to some of the "Boy issues," but maybe not. I do intend to do some kind of pre-school. And I haven't completely worked out how I will be returning to work, but I will be in some capacity, so a day care setting could be in her future. When you only had DS1, were you home with him full time? Will you work now that you have 2 kids?

My reasons for only wanting one right now is 2 part- what I said in the other thread about having a difficult pregnancy and not wanting to go through it again. It was also hard for DH to take care of me when I was preggo. ANd I like the ease of my life with 1. It is selfish, I admit, but I like DH and I actually get to spend tim with him because between the 2 of us, we can usually meet DDs needs pretty quickly. ANd when I'm not the parent on duty, I get a real break instead of another kid to have to deal with.

For my friends that have more, usually 3+ kids, it seems to me that their lives just become an endless quest to keep their kids happy and fed. Money is an issue. (We aren't a wealthy circle of folks.) and time too. They can never go anywhere by themselves, always toting a nursing baby. And honestly, as much as love DD, I don't love anyone enough to want to be around them 24-7. I cherish me-time. But I also feel guilty for denying DD a sibling because of my desire for a more simple lifestyle and a better quality of life for me. But my DH tells it to me straight- get over myself. He is certainly not pushing me for more, but if I wanted them, he would be fine with it.

What did you say to those moms who implied you had it easy? I get that too, but I know it is true compared to my friends with 3+. I also get comments about how "good" DD is. And yes, she is a mostly easy baby. I got lucky, I admit it. But sometimes I want to say back to these ladies: "You CHOSE to have (3, 4,) kids, which, yes, makes your life more complicated. But what their personalities are like is the luck of the draw, no matter how many you have!"

I really liked your response to the lady who said her child-psychiatrist friend said that some of the most messed-up kids were onlies. Personally, I think your kid will be as messed up as the parents make them or are themselves, not because they do/ do not have a sibling, or the number that they have. You are right, a stable home and loving parents go a long way!

Maybe I will hear my bio clock in the next couple years, but for now, I think we're done. But I'm happy to hear that you like their 5 year spacing. Thanks for sharing.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Beth,

This is great! Thanks for sharing your experience. I think you are right that your DS's pre-school issues were just issues that some boys (and probably sometimes girls) face and it would not have mattered if he had a sibling. He still would have been himself if he was a first or an only. And he was both at different times- but still himself with his own set of talents and issues.

My friend with 3 boys homeschools them, with heavy involvement from homeschool group/ co-op. I think part of the reason she did this was to let them be boys. I know she read a book that said boys have it harder in an organized school setting because the normal boy behaviors, which can include aggressive actions, are "bad." And I think she just wanted her boys to have a little room to be, well, boys.

I have a girl, so I think I will "get off easy" with regard to some of the "Boy issues," but maybe not. I do intend to do some kind of pre-school. And I haven't completely worked out how I will be returning to work, but I will be in some capacity, so a day care setting could be in her future. When you only had DS1, were you home with him full time? Will you work now that you have 2 kids?

My reasons for only wanting one right now is 2 part- what I said in the other thread about having a difficult pregnancy and not wanting to go through it again. It was also hard for DH to take care of me when I was preggo. ANd I like the ease of my life with 1. It is selfish, I admit, but I like DH and I actually get to spend tim with him because between the 2 of us, we can usually meet DDs needs pretty quickly. ANd when I'm not the parent on duty, I get a real break instead of another kid to have to deal with.

For my friends that have more, usually 3+ kids, it seems to me that their lives just become an endless quest to keep their kids happy and fed. Money is an issue. (We aren't a wealthy circle of folks.) and time too. They can never go anywhere by themselves, always toting a nursing baby. And honestly, as much as love DD, I don't love anyone enough to want to be around them 24-7. I cherish me-time. But I also feel guilty for denying DD a sibling because of my desire for a more simple lifestyle and a better quality of life for me. But my DH tells it to me straight- get over myself. He is certainly not pushing me for more, but if I wanted them, he would be fine with it.

What did you say to those moms who implied you had it easy? I get that too, but I know it is true compared to my friends with 3+. I also get comments about how "good" DD is. And yes, she is a mostly easy baby. I got lucky, I admit it. But sometimes I want to say back to these ladies: "You CHOSE to have (3, 4,) kids, which, yes, makes your life more complicated. But what their personalities are like is the luck of the draw, no matter how many you have!"

I really liked your response to the lady who said her child-psychiatrist friend said that some of the most messed-up kids were onlies. Personally, I think your kid will be as messed up as the parents make them or are themselves, not because they do/ do not have a sibling, or the number that they have. You are right, a stable home and loving parents go a long way!

Maybe I will hear my bio clock in the next couple years, but for now, I think we're done. But I'm happy to hear that you like their 5 year spacing. Thanks for sharing.

I can' figure out how to reply to dif't parts of the message in the message.

I am a SAHM. I plan to stay home at least till this one is a year old and then probably just something part time. So, it really was my and ds1 flitting about a lot of the time for most of his life. Preschool was 5 mornings a week last year and 3 mornings a week the year before.

I think there is nothing selfish about the choice to just have one. I think that there is a lot to be said for a relaxed, confident mom. I had the same thoughts. It all comes down to doing what feels right for you and your family.

If others imply that one is easy I would acknowledge that X things were easier but all the typical kid issues were still there. Every so often I would do a one up on them and talk about our preschool woes. Basically pointing out that the grass isn't really greener on either side.

Beth

[wendmatt]

DD is an only and does fine. I wanted to have one more but I didn't get pg and then DH was firm on only having one. She is very sweet and kind and actually shares better than most of the other kids we know, she is always giving stuff to her friends or letting them play with her things. She is a very shy, quiet child that doesn't make friends easily, but that is her personality. Even as a toddler she would avoid the noise and bustle at playgroup and play in a quiet area (and even if we'd had another child she would've been an only then). She plays well one on one but doesn't really like being in a crowd of kids, again I think this is her personality not being an only. She has a friend who is an only and she is gregarious and friendly to EVERYONE!
I think if you are happy with one child you should go with that. I do have alot of guilt that DD won't have a sibling but that's the way it's turned out and we are a very happy family unit.
DD goes to preschool and loves it there, her teacher (who is wonderful) loves her, I think because she is so good (she's also very bright, she reads at a grade 2 level already). I worry about her being quiet but she is getting better and I'm hoping by kindergarten she'll be more confident, but again this is her personality. I've always taken her for lots of playdates and playgroups.
She likes me to play with her but she also does play well on her own.
Hope you make a decision you are happy with, it really is a toughie.

[niccig]

DS is 3yo and an only. We're on the fence as to having more. Part of the reason is DH. He's an older Dad and he doesn't get much time at home and he feels that he doesn't give DS much time as it is, let alone if there were more children. We're happy as we are, and if that changes then we'll try for DC#2.

I'd say were as child-centered as our friends with more kids. In fact according to our parents we're too child-centered as we work things around DS's naps and meal times. Our parents find it boring when they visit as we'll go shopping, which they want to do, but only for 3 hours as then it's time for lunch and nap. It also helps that I don't like to shop, so DS nap is a good reason to keep the shopping trips short.

There are plenty of toys and kids music and play dates a couple of times a week. We have a strong playgroup and we all swap babysitting, so DS has always had other kids around. We go to swimming and music class and DS goes to babysitting at the YMCA while I work out. He's in preschool 3 mornings a week, and loves playing with all the kids. He's always played well independently, but I think that's more him than being an only. A friend's DC#1 needs her around all the time, despite DC#2 being there too. DS is no better nor worse with sharing or taking turns. All the kids in the playgroup are struggling with this. In fact, I would say that the girls (both onlies) are better than any of the boys (all have siblings except for DS).

I think kids are who they are, and I don't give much time to the birth order or only problems you get told about. I'm a middle child, and my younger sister has the middle child tendencies and not me. I give importance to the family environment and the child's personalities.

[kijip]

Toby will turn 5 at the very least and start kindy without a sibling (unless my uterus knows something I don't, LOL). We planned to have another by the time he was 2 or 3, but the cards did not work out that way. At this time, in 2007 moving into 2008, we have not been able to concieve and we are both ambivalent on fertility enhancing approaches. As he gets older, we get more and more comfortable with our 3 person family and less interested in starting out with a newborn. It is possible that he may not have any siblings or that he will be MUCH older than his siblings, like 10 years or so.

I have to say that maybe I missed it because I was not planning an only, but we have not yet have any special issues due to him not having a sibling. He has a lot of friends, never had biting or hitting issues with other kids and while comfortable with adults is pretty darn comfortable with his peers. He can play independantly which is a nice but I don't know that that would be different if he was a closely spaced sibling. We are very social people so he has had interactions with other kids on a weekly or more than weekly basis outside of school for playing and for many shared dinners. There are a ton of only children in our area so I have never had anyone say anything odd about it. He has been in preschool since he was age 3 and that has gone pretty well. A little drop off clingyness has come and gone here and there but that is healthy and normal for most children. Cetainly there was/is a little selfishness but that seems to be part of the human condition. He has been easier, in so far as I can tell, with learning to share and care for other's feelings than many of his friends with siblings. I don't think that is because he is an only child, but because he is the kid that he is- Toby. :)

[clc053103]

I have truly enjoyed the insight and experiences you all have shared....thank you. And thank you to kijip for standing up for moms of onlies- I agree with everything you said!

WE've decided to have one child for several reasons- including pregnancy history, but most importantly, because we can give one child 100%. We don't have it in us for various reasons to give 2 children 100%. I don't think that makes us selfish- maybe it doesn't make us Ward and June Cleaver, but we are loving parents and blessed with a wonderful child and we are complete as a family just the way we are.

[ha98ed14]

WE've decided to have one child for several reasons- including pregnancy history, but most importantly, because we can give one child 100%. We don't have it in us for various reasons to give 2 children 100%. I don't think that makes us selfish- maybe it doesn't make us Ward and June Cleaver, but we are loving parents and blessed with a wonderful child and we are complete as a family just the way we are.

I feel the same way, that I just don't have the resources for any more kids even though I love the one I have! And its not just about raising them- the very idea of being pregnant again scares the **** out of me because it was so hard the first time.

I hope at some point I can have the confidence you do about the decision to only have one because even though I TRUELY believe it is the right decision, I still feel guilty for deprinving DD of a sibling and feel like I am doing something wrong by leaving her alone in the world-- EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT ARGUEMENT IS BUNK, I still FEEL that way. ARGH!

[wendmatt]

I feel the same way, that I just don't have the resources for any more kids even though I love the one I have! And its not just about raising them- the very idea of being pregnant again scares the **** out of me because it was so hard the first time.

I hope at some point I can have the confidence you do about the decision to only have one because even though I TRUELY believe it is the right decision, I still feel guilty for deprinving DD of a sibling and feel like I am doing something wrong by leaving her alone in the world-- EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT ARGUEMENT IS BUNK, I still FEEL that way. ARGH!

That feeling will come and go. It prob won't ever completely go. I have days when I feel horribly guilty about DD being an only child and not having a sibling, I have 3 and they are my best friends. But, we are a family and feel complete and do the best by our DD and she seems very happy. I have spoken to her about it and she says she doesn't want a baby, they mess up everything and knock over her toys!! So, if it's what you really want, you will be OK with the decision, but you'll still have days of regretting it I'm sure (I do, but I know we have made the right decision for us).
Wishing you a happy only and peace with your decision!