Would this upset you?

[KBecks]

DH is on a 3 day guys weekend, it's a traditional gathering where they binge drink, play cards, watch porn, play video games and normally go to strip clubs (although this year the group dynamic changed and enough are married that they have said they are giving it up).

DH leaves on Friday, giddy, he'll return Monday afternoon. He calls me Friday afternoon that he wants to turn off his cell phone for the weekend.

He gets no work calls on the weekend, the only person calling him would be ME.

i tell him no, leave the phone on. I call Saturday and the phone is off. I did not handle it gracefully, but he definitely got the message that he made a stupid, selfish mistake.

Would this have upset you?

[JBaxter]

Yes..... DH would pay dearly for a LONG LONG time

[overcome]

Most definitely.....he should leave the phone on. What if there was an emergency??!?!

I think guys weekends, as well as girls weekends, are great. It is so essential to good mental health!

I think guys should go fishing, golfing, whatever with their buddies. Even a weekend of drinking and playing cards would be okay.

I would have a MAJOR problem with my dh going away on a weekend specifically to watch porn and visit strip clubs.

Let us know if your DH admits he should have left his phone on!

Hugs

[happy2bamom]

Did he give a reason for wanting to turn his phone off? I'd love to say that I would give him the benefit of the doubt, but truth be told I would probably go off on him. There would be definite hell to pay.

On a side note, I'm just curious why a bunch of (presumably straight) guys would want to sit around and watch porn together? Seems like they are just working themselves up all weekend with no outlet (ok, I guess that they could go solo, but still?).

[overcome]

On a side note, I'm just curious why a bunch of (presumably straight) guys would want to sit around and watch porn together? Seems like they are just working themselves up all weekend with no outlet (ok, I guess that they could go solo, but still?).

I was wondering the exact same thing!!

[hellokitty]

What??? If my DH was going on some guy trip like that AND refused to keep his cell phone on, he'd get a piece of my mind! I would wonder WTH he was planning on doing that he didn't want to be bothered by an occasional call from his wife! That's not to mention the emergency thing too. Why is it that when guys are with other guys they all suddenly act like 15 yr old idiots???

[TraciG]

I would NEVER let my DH go away with guys to strip club's & to watch porn !!

[Bean606]

I get annoyed when DH turns his phone off or doesn't answer no matter where he is -- the point of the cell is to be able to reach him in an emergency. And BTW, there is no way in HE** that DH would even THINK to ask to go away on a guys weekend for porn and strip clubs. He doesn't even go to bachelor parties anymore unless it's for gambling and drinking (not a much better vice, but one I can better deal with).

[wellyes]

To give a minority opinion:

If my DH went for a getaway weekend- for camping, for religious retreat, or for a guys-only weekend, whatever - I would want some way to reach him *for emergencies*. Number of the hotel / place he's staying would do. Otherwise, I would not make demands that he remain constantly available to me, and I would not call to check up on him.

We've only had our stupid cell phones for a couple years now, we lived without them before and it's not life-or-death that we use them now.

Every once in a while, everyone deserves a break. Of course if this happened more than, say, once a year it might be different. But rare requests to get away from it all for a couple days are fair. I would expect him to extend the same courtesy to me.

If the strip club/porn thing bugs you, that is separate. My DH has gone to bachelor parties, and I say "OK as long as you tell me about it", but I understand if others feel differently. I really don't get it either - but they are big $$$$ businesses. I can see why someone would enjoy it, but not why they'd want to experience as a group!!

[Marisa6826]

WTF would he (or you?!!) do if there was an emergency with you or one of the kids and his phone was off?

He doesn't get to forget he's a grownup just because he's pretending he's a tetosterone laden 14yo with his friends for three days.

Aside from the fact that Jonathan simply *wouldn't* go on a weekend like that, I wouldn't give the go ahead.

Did they all leave their wedding bands home, too, or did they just stuff them in their jeans pockets?:32:

-m

[ThreeofUs]

I'd find it unbelievable, like a violation of our contract, for DH to turn off his phone while he's away from us for the weekend.

DH goes away to aikido conferences - but absolutely won't be gone for more than a day, no matter how much I encourage him to stay the night and attend more sessions. DH wouldn't even consider a weekend away, but with all the diseases going around I would have real reservations about okay'ing such a binge.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, and I'd be *ahem* quite unhappy about it, too.

[vludmilla]

I would NOT be okay with this at all for a number of reasons.

1. I don't think porn is just "normal" for guys. My husband does not watch it. We don't have cable and he doesn't have videos. He thinks it is exploitive and he won't do it as an adult. However, if he wanted to watch it, I would have a problem. I think that there are urges we should make an effort to resist. Porn is one of them. (And, by the way, I am completely non-religious, atheist actually.)

2. The cell phone thing...Although I think I understand the argument that there was a time when we didn't have cell phones so what is the big deal if he turns it off I don't think it suffices. The point is that we DO have cell phones now and your husband has children. Wouldn't he want to be available if there was an emergency with one of his children? His desire to have a fun, bachelor's weekend is short-sighted, to say the least.

I would be PISSED. But, I think I'd be hurt too. You are a very nice wife (nicer than me) to even let him go away on such a trip.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Yes, it would upset me. I trust dh so that wouldn't be an issue and the trip doesn't bother me. But, he should be acessible in case there is an emergency. Even more important? You asked him to do and that should be enough.

Beth

[g-mama]

I'd be beyond furious. At no time is it okay for my dh to "turn me off" and that is essentially what he's doing, IMO. What about if an emergency came up? Or even if you or the kids just wanted to say "hi." That's not cool.

And I can't speak to the porn watching part of the weekend, because maybe that's personal to each marriage, but that would be a no-go in our marriage. I hate to say it, but it just sounds kinda weird to me!

[kozachka]

I'd be upset as well. I'd send a nasty SMS or something. Also, I really do not understand why he'd be doing something like this. If you know what they are all are up to, even if includes watching porn, than what's the problem of having the cell on? I would suspect something worse...

That said, I was in your shoes more than once. And it sucks. So I say, go get yourself some nice chocolate bon-bons or ice-cream and have some wine once kids are asleep. You deserve a break from being all by yourself with two kids for the whole week-end. Or make appointment for mani-pedi once DH gets back in town. And I bet you, your DH is not going to oppose ;).

[SnuggleBuggles]

My DH has gone to bachelor parties, and I say "OK as long as you tell me about it", but I understand if others feel differently. !

That was my rule too back when dh was going to those kind of bachelor parties. I just want to know what's going on.

Beth

[kristenk]

It would bother me. I can understand having some ground rules set that *I* call him on the cell ONLY in the case of an emergency. With that said, I'd also expect there to be a ground rule that *he* call us once or twice while he's gone. Even if he were on a guys weekend, DD would still miss her daddy and I don't think she'd really understand the "guys weekend" concept. One or two phone calls at a time of his chosing shouldn't upset the guys weekend balance too much.

I don't know what I'd do if DH wanted to go on a guys weekend that had binge drinking (the "binge" part is what bothers me), porn, and strip clubs on the agenda. I can't see him really wanting to go, though, so I guess I don't have to worry about it!

[KBecks]

To give a minority opinion:

If my DH went for a getaway weekend- for camping, for religious retreat, or for a guys-only weekend, whatever - I would want some way to reach him *for emergencies*. Number of the hotel / place he's staying would do. Otherwise, I would not make demands that he remain constantly available to me, and I would not call to check up on him.

Every once in a while, everyone deserves a break. Of course if this happened more than, say, once a year it might be different. But rare requests to get away from it all for a couple days are fair. I would expect him to extend the same courtesy to me.

If the strip club/porn thing bugs you, that is separate. My DH has gone to bachelor parties, and I say "OK as long as you tell me about it", but I understand if others feel differently. I really don't get it either - but they are big $$$$ businesses. I can see why someone would enjoy it, but not why they'd want to experience as a group!!

I don't have the number of the place he is staying. It would have been thoughtful of him to give me that, but I don't know where he is. He told me on Friday that he wanted the phone off because he didn't want client phone calls. It was maybe 4 p.m. Friday and I know some clients would still call him in the late afternoon (and on Monday). So I understand that part and it's legitimate. I don't think he understood what it meant to me in having no way of contacting him. He said roaming fees are expensive. Yeah, great, I'm not worth it.

I would have tried not to call him at all all weekend. He doesn't call me when he's gone with his friends. It's a long and lonely and stressful weekend for me and he knows that very well.

I think he just didn't understand how rejected I would feel and is being very inconsiderate of my feelings and situation. He knows I'm feeling lonely and kind of depressed but I'm not expecting a call. Maybe I will be surprised, it would make my day. I have no plans to call him unless it's an emergency. (I wrote him a letter about my feelings to give to him when he gets back.)

The strip clubs is another thing that has been very stressful for me but its more a thing his group does and that he would not do individually. I feel he is too swayed by this group and it makes me just hate his friends knowing they do this crap. It's hard for me to see them as otherwise good people. I am exaggerating when I say binge drinking but he will drink a lot. I hope he doesn't get home Monday afternoon tired and wanting a nap, but it's likely he will.

I have not gotten my own weekend away for just me in years (I went to Atlanta for a family thing and he counts that but it was out of obligation to others more than it was time for me.) I don't even think that's what I want so much. He also has counted the times that I have gone shopping and he watches the kids but it's not the same to me.

OK, on the fun side, what should I do for some me time? I don't enjoy being away from the family, I miss them when I'm gone. But it's possible that I need and would enjoy a vacation by myself.

We talked briefly yesterday (because I had called to tell him the kids missed him and completely freaked when the phone was off) and he said he turned the phone off because his alarm went off at 6 a.m. I believe him. I don't think he's up to no good, but he's just selfish and so dumb about not considering my feelings.

[lisams]

Heck ya. He's no longer a college boy who has no one that depends on him to be responsible. He has a family that needs to be able to get a hold of him. And the same goes for me when I'm out with the girls. I can't imagine DH not being able to reach me if he needed to.

The whole thing would actually upset me, but that's a whole 'nother issue.

[casey0729]

He also has counted the times that I have gone shopping and he watches the kids but it's not the same to me.

This bugs me. He is not 'watching' the kids. He's parenting. It doesn't count as you being away. I hope you get a weekend away some time. I haven't had one either. I told my DH that come this summer, when I have weaned DD, I am leaving for the weekend with the girls. I will, however, leave my phone on.

[KBecks]

Yeah, I thought it would be OK for him to give me as many hours as he took with his guy weekend but it's not the same. I should get time away anyway. :)

I am taking acting classes and will do a community theatre production this summer (assuming auditions go well) but I don't want to count that as what hes' doing in return for his guy weekend either, because I'm doing it just because I want to and that's that and I deserve to have something like that to do myself.

I don't like keeping score. I don't feel right doing something as my turn because then it's keeping score and I might not even enjoy getting away if I'm just doing it because he already took his me time. I think that I do need to nurture myself and not sit around waiting for DH to offer to meet my needs, if that makes sense. But it would be nice to be nurtured and cared for. I'm not feeling that so much, but I'm sure he and I will talk about that when he gets back.

[elliput]

My first thought is at least he is being honest about what he will be doing this weekend. There are many husbands who would say they are spending the weekend golfing or fishing and not fess up to the other stuff.

If this were a case of what's good for the gander is also good for the goose, I really would not have a problem with it, however your second post says that this is not so. That is an issue that you need to come to terms with and figure out how to make an equitable situation for yourself. Definitely have a sit down with your DH and express your feeling about this. Try to not to put him in a defensive position, as that will not do either of you any good. He may come back from this weekend feeling refreshed or he may come back feeling like it was a huge waste of time. Give him a chance to let you know how he viewed his experience. He may decide on his own that this type of "retreat" just isn't his thing anymore.

As far as the phone- hmmm- yes, it would be nice to be able to get ahold of him in case of an emergency. He did not leave the number for where he is staying, but did he tell you the name of the place? You can always track him down that way, if needs be.

[elizabethkott]

I would be majorly PO'd that he turned off the phone.
The "client" excuse is BS in my opinion. The thing about cell phones, like regular phones is this: you don't HAVE to answer the phone! It's a choice! The same way we don't answer the phone during dinner... you don't HAVE to answer a client call either.
I'd be very angry!

[KBecks]

MHe may come back from this weekend feeling refreshed or he may come back feeling like it was a huge waste of time. Give him a chance to let you know how he viewed his experience. He may decide on his own that this type of "retreat" just isn't his thing anymore.

As far as the phone- hmmm- yes, it would be nice to be able to get ahold of him in case of an emergency. He did not leave the number for where he is staying, but did he tell you the name of the place? You can always track him down that way, if needs be.

He loves his friends. I don't know if he loves them for who they are, but he loves that he has a group to belong to. This weekend is very important to him in terms of belonging to the group. I don't admire it, but it appears to be a very strong need for him. He does not have a lot of other friends, well he does but he doesn't make an effort to get together with them. This is planned by the other guys and he just can show up so it's a good no-effort setup for him. Even if he doesn't have the greatest time, its being with the group that is so important and he'll go to associate even if the activities are stupid.

I do not have the name of the place where he is staying. They rent a cabin. it used to be someone's parent's cabin but that isn't an option anymore and they rent. A friend last night told me that I should ask them to stay closer to home (its' 5 hours away) because there's no reason anymore they would have to drive so far, but the guys congregate from all over, WI, MN, OH, and NY. I think I will suggest a closer location, but as my husband is not one of the organizers and hates to organize, he may not care to push for it.

Thank you for the suggestions. I'm not sure about talking about equitable-ness, because my husband will always argue that he is the one who gets less and is working harder, and doing more around the house. He loves equity and to him it means I do more for him. I told him I would go to Vegas by myself (not very seriously) and he thought that was way too much to ask and so much more than what he is getting.

I think I'd rather wait for something that I really want, but I'm not so sure what it is going to be. I really don't want all that much. I do like time to shop and time to get away on the weekends just to catch a break, so maybe that is a fair deal, as long as we're not keeping score about it.

[KBecks]

I would be majorly PO'd that he turned off the phone.
The "client" excuse is BS in my opinion. The thing about cell phones, like regular phones is this: you don't HAVE to answer the phone! It's a choice! The same way we don't answer the phone during dinner... you don't HAVE to answer a client call either.
I'd be very angry!

I didn't think of that. Good point.

[KBecks]

Try to not to put him in a defensive position, as that will not do either of you any good.

I'm not sure I can communicate how I feel without making him defensive. I've felt much better since writing the letter (no more crying), but it's basically 9 paragraphs letting him know in detail that he's a dumb@sss. (he is.)

Maybe I should skip giving him the letter. I know it will hurt him. But he is so stupid about not considering my feelings.

[lizajane]

i would be upset that he turned off the phone if i had specifically asked him NOT to. as PP pointed out, you don't have to answer it. put it on silent and just see who is calling if it vibrates.

as for the rest- i don't care if my DH goes out with friends and does goofy stuff. i care if he puts himself in DANGER. like if he got so drunk he made poor (unsafe) decisions, like driving, swimming, getting lost...

my dh doesn't care for porn and strip clubs because, in his words, they are all fake and unnatural. but i really wouldn't care if he went to a strip club. i have never been to one, but would totally go for a hoot with some gals during a male review just to be goofy. i know for him it would just be a silly thing, not something to, um... rev him up...

of course, DH's friend don't really do that kinda stuff. so maybe this is all just "easy for me to say" from where i sit...

[maestramommy]

I think the biggest thing that would bother me about this situation is if Dh told me he wasn't going to turn on his cell all weekend, then proceeded to do that even though I asked him not to. He has gone away on overnights and weekends for climbing, and always turns on his cell, and calls me when he's off a climb, just so I don't worry. Course, where he goes the reception is VERY spotty, so there are times I call and his phone is just not receiving.

The strip clubs, porn, I'd just be mad he was going without me!:32:

[tarabenet]

Karen, I didn't reply to your post for the longest time. But I feel I just have to. So here goes.

You deserve to be treated with respect by your fellow human beings. You deserve to be treated with kindness by friends, with love by your family and dear ones. From your spouse you deserve all of that plus being treated as a partner, a teammate, a person who is trusted and whose trust is well deserved. This is far from how he is treating you.

Others do treat as we "teach" them to treat us. Leading him back to treating you as he should, as you deserve, will not be a quick or easy journey, but it is one you desperately need to undertake. You must *expect* him to treat you with love, respect and partnerhip. You must also treat him that way, of course. But when he falls short, you must very gently refuse to accept being treated poorly. The first step is to respect yourself and eventually learn to love yourself.

You and I have bumped heads in the past. Even so, I will tell you with great candor and love that you deserve better treatment. Your boys deserve a mom who is treated with respect by their father, too. (Make no mistake: without intervention, they will build relationships exactly like the one the grew up in. Is your marriage in its current state what you want for them?) You need to get help, because what needs to be done is huge and scary. But the reward, the relationship you deserve to have, is worth every painful inch of the journey. Please, please do this for yourself and your family. You deserve so much more. Please find ways to start to build that. You deserve it.

Here's a start for you. Karen is:
a strong woman
a devoted mother
a woman with interests, hobbies, wishes and feelings
an actress-in-training
capable of rebuilding her family to match her highest hopes and dreams for them


Karen has:
an absolute right to be who she is and to want what she wants
courage deeper than she has ever called upon
a strong spirit
a tenacious will

Go on. Build that list. Figure out some of the many many reasons you deserve better. Then figure out how to help your marriage become what you deserve.

[KBecks]

Benet, thank you for the message and taking time to reply to my posts. I'm not sure I understand, though. I know I deserve better treatment and I'm disappointed in DH. I've been disappointed about a lot of things he does that are self-centered. That said, I'm not clear on what to do or what I can do that will have positive impact. We've talked about my feelings and life goes on mostly as-is. We've done counseling, and I'm not sure I'd do it again because it's expensive, it's more of a hassle now because we would need a sitter and I'm not sure it's effective. What are you thinking of that is huge and scary?

I ended my 9 paragraph "you idiot" letter with the exact words "I deserve better." But, I can't force my DH to do or feel anything, nor would I want to. So I'm not sure what I would do.

And, while you and I had some difficult discussions before, I don't mind at all listening to what you have to say. I do appreciate that you shared your thoughts with me.

[Sillygirl]

Well, I'm not Benet and don't know exactly what she was referring to. But if you think you've tried everything you can to change things, and they haven't changed, then I guess you have two options. You can continue in your marriage as it is or you can leave. Perhaps both of them qualify as "huge and scary." I wish you luck.

[KrisM]

OK, on the fun side, what should I do for some me time? I don't enjoy being away from the family, I miss them when I'm gone. But it's possible that I need and would enjoy a vacation by myself.


I have done a couple weekends with no kids, but they were to a friend's baby shower, so not just to get away. Mostly, I don't really want to go for that long.

Here's what I have done and enjoyed though:
1. Get a nice 1 or 1.5 massage
2. Go out to dinner or lunch by myself. I enjoy eating alone and just bring a book to read.
3. Had a spa day with friends - had a massage therapist come to the house, sit in a hot tub, and just hang out from about 9am to 4pm. Enough to feel like a vacation!

My favorite though was when DH took both kids to my parents lake house for a weekend. I got so much done here!

[KrisM]

I, too, think he should keep the phone on. He doesn't have to answer unless it's you, but you need a way to get ahold of him in case you need to.

[mamicka]

NAK.
Karen, I'm sorry you've had such a crappy weekend.

Yes, that would upset me quite a bit. Pornography is not OK with me, but it's not OK with him, either. If pornography is not OK with you & he knows that, I think it's a problem that he does it.

The phone issue would also really upset me. I need to be able to call him at any time of day & expect him to answer if he is able. I deserve that. His kids deserve that. We don't abuse it.

It sounds like maybe this is a bigger issue in your marriage than just the porn & phone stuff. I think you *do* need to do something for you, just you. But I think the keeping score thing is a bad habit to get into in your marriage. Not that you shouldn't strive for equity when it comes to personal time, but that if the root problem isn't fixed, it will just become a way to "punish" each other, so to speak. I may not have explained that well, but I hope you get what I mean.

But, since you asked for suggestions, how about a night at a fancy hotel downtown... bubble bath, a good movie, room service, maybe some spa treatments?

[MamaMolly]

KBecks,
I have typed out 4-5 responses and deleted them all. I can't decide what I want to say! I wish I could give you the words that would get through to your lunkhead of a spouse.
Just know you are not alone on SO many areas. And to ask your question, he needs to be available in case of an emergency. Period.

Also you need a break, and you DO NOT have to justify it (keeping score).
Hugs, honey, and think about what Tarabenet said. You deserve more respect than you are getting.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

[Corie]

I would have no problem with my DH taking a guys-only
weekend type like the one you described. I know my
husband and trust him completely. Plus, he always gives
me the dirt when he gets home.
And, honestly, he would let me do the same, if I wanted. He
loaded me up with 50- $1 bills for my sister's bachelorette party.
He trusts me.

The part that I would have a major problem with is the
phone issue. My DH always leaves his cell phone on but
he also knows that I would only call in an emergency situation.
But, he does call us once/twice a day to check in with us and
talk to the kids.

Can you imagine if you had a true emergency and you were
unable to get ahold of him? That is horrible.

I think when your husband comes home from his trip, you need
to have your leg done up in a fake cast. How quickly can
you make up a batch of Plaster of Paris?

[elizabethkott]

I think when your husband comes home from his trip, you need
to have your leg done up in a fake cast. How quickly can
you make up a batch of Plaster of Paris?

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Even better, can you put one on one of the kids?
:)

[Rainbows&Roses]

Yup! My husband refused to turn his phone on when coming from work on the train because he didn't feel he always needed to be available for communication. I told him he had a daughter now and he was wrong about that. And if he didn't leave his phone on, he would never get surprise pick-ups at the train station from us - I think that was the winning argument!

[purpleeyes]

Hi Karen-
It's Sunday night...how are you doing now? The weekend is almost over, I hope you are feeling ok.

FTR, I would be FURIOUS if DH even thought about this type of weekend, but I could perhaps be convinced it was ok for social reasons. Turning the phone off? NOT acceptable at all.

But I think the actual trip isn't what's important-instead, what is important is exploring your feelings and your needs with DH. I hope you guys will be able to talk about it and find a healthy balance. I know its something that DH and I struggle with regularly. We have to try really hard to not play the 'tit for tat' game. I got this, but you got that. It never really works out fair, and we both get upset.

Anyway, I hope things work out. Keep us posted. :D

[mommy111]

Karen, just print out this post and show it to your husband. I am infuriated on your behalf, but I just don't know how to say it. At least he will see this and realize that what he is doing is not the 'normal' behavior that most caring DHs subject their wives to.

[kijip]

Call me a prude cause I am but frankly the whole weekend would upset me. Not being available via phone would irk me something fierce- what if your kid was God forbid in the emergency room or something? What if you fell down the stairs and needed him to come home and take care of the kids? Heck, what if the kids just want to hear Daddy's voice before bed?

Seriously, guys weekend for my husband's friends involves a different set of activities. So maybe that colors my opinion. Guy time for my husband's friends consists of things like building gates for people's yard, removing tree stumps, playing video games and making beer. Lucky for me, my husband is a bit of a prude too. I was unaware watching porn was a group activity for males past age 16.

I agree with Benet---- you deserve better. You just do!

[almostmom]

My husband goes away on guy weekends, and they are always stressful for me, and I get in a bad and angry mood about them. But I want to be supportive of his time that is important for him - rejuvenating and fun. My DH is often camping or in places where a cell doesn't work, but as soon as he is in range he calls, or turns on his phone. I think it's a good sign that you trust that he just turned it off after the alarm. Trust is so important, especially with the coming conversations. I do think, if you react like I do at all, that once he is home, things will settle down and your anger will subside. I hate the anticipation of the weekends, and anything he does wrong around those times (like leaving an hour earlier than planned, getting home later, etc. - they all piss me off to no end!), but once he's home, and I blow off a bit of steam, we go back to normal.

That being said, I think you should make a plan to do something for yourself. My DH always wants me to, but it's so hard to figure out what. But if I wait until the perfect opportunity, I might wait for years! By choosing a Saturday afternoon when you will go out to lunch and get a massage, or a pedicure, you aren't excluding other outings in the future. But it'll feel good to have his support for you to go out, and to get away for a bit and be excited when you get home to be with your fam.

[lisams]

I was unaware watching porn was a group activity for males past age 16.


Yeah, that one kind of seems odd. I get the idea of guys watching porn (alone) or even couples watching it, but a bunch of guys (married and straight I'm assuming) watching porn together seems kind of...questionable. I think out of everything this would bother me the most. It is not something I would take lightly, that's for sure.

Could it be that the guys all made an agreement to "go no cell phone"? I could see them all agreeing that it was going to be a cell phone free weekend, and perhaps your DH felt peer pressure to go along with it? Not that it makes anything better, just trying to figure out why your DH would even consider this.

I hope that you are able to talk with him about your feelings. He needs to know how you feel. And you need to know that he cares about how you feel. Hugs!

[jhrabosk]

Tarabenet, this is fascinating to me b/c it's exactly what I've been going through with my DH. My DD's perception of relationships and how to treat others is the precise reason we've been going through it. I don't want her to grow up believing that how my DH and I treat each other is right.

We've been having the same fights for almost 10 years and things didn't REALLY start to change until I realized, maybe a year ago, that I couldn't continue like this. I began to tell DH that I wouldn't continue and that we needed to make changes or we would be over. I didn't threaten him and I never will. But, when he realized that he could lose us, he finally began to take me seriously and things started to change. It's a long, hard road, and we've had setbacks, but things have improved exponentially.

Karen, it's a very personal decision. I know very little about you and even less about your relationship with your DH. But, if you agree that you deserve better treatment, then you have to put your foot down. This is NOT ok.

My mother has spent many years giving me the "sigh...well that's men" but I'm not ok with that. Being a man does not entitle one to be inconsiderate.

I wish you much luck...eliciting real change IS huge and scary, but can be incredibly rewarding.

[Britt]

If my DH turned off the phone, after I left him a very angry phone call I would dig up his friends numbers and call them and ask to talk to DH. Because there is no valid reason for him to turn off his phone. He can put it on vibrate, or he can not answer client calls or he can turn off the alarm. But if something happens to me or the kids, and his phone is off, he's going to regret it big time.

[BeachBum]

I would have no problem with DH going on a guys weekend. I do think that watching porn (in a group no less) is weird, but going to a strip club or whatever wouldn't bother me. I know it's not something DH would choose to do ordinarily so it wouldn't be a big deal. I have no trust issues.

Turning off the cell phone would upset me. A lot. I mean we are his family! Why wouldn't he call us, or want to hear from us? If DH did this I would know that there was something really, really wrong between us. It would just be so unlike him.

What bothers me the most about what you've written is the attitude. I couldn't imagine that attitude of tit for tat. It just doesn't seem loving at all. We both make the effort to suggest ways for the other person to take time out. It might be me saying, we're going to Target, why don't you go to the Y and work out? Or him saying that he is going to the park with DS why don't I go get a pedi?, or go relax in the tub while he cleans up the dinner dishes. The point is that we both want the other person to be happy so we each "give" a little so that it happens.
I'm not implying that we don't get off kilter sometimes, but we are working towards the same goal so it just works out.

Good luck in figuring out how to deal with this situation.

[ShanaMama]

You deserve to be treated with respect by your fellow human beings. You deserve to be treated with kindness by friends, with love by your family and dear ones. From your spouse you deserve all of that plus being treated as a partner, a teammate, a person who is trusted and whose trust is well deserved. This is far from how he is treating you.

Others do treat as we "teach" them to treat us. Leading him back to treating you as he should, as you deserve, will not be a quick or easy journey, but it is one you desperately need to undertake. You must *expect* him to treat you with love, respect and partnerhip. You must also treat him that way, of course. But when he falls short, you must very gently refuse to accept being treated poorly. The first step is to respect yourself and eventually learn to love yourself.


Benet, it's been awhile since I saw a post that really spoke to me the way this one has. Your posts are always well-written, fascinating & thought-provoking.

Karen, I haven't responded to your thread because I had nothing to add that others hadn't said already. But I do agree with Benet that this goes beyond the weekend in question to the core of your relationship. If therapy hasn't worked for you in the past, maybe it wasn't a good fit with the therapist. I don't have any easy solution for you. The only thing I can offer is encouragement. DH & I have also been having difficulty in our relationship lately, but we are both in therapy (separately & together). It's been HARD work & there have been hills & valleys, but overall we are moving towards a better place. I wish you both luck in getting your relationship on track to the loving & respectful marriage you deserve.

[s7714]

The cell phone thing would annoy me because I believe even if it's a vacation for him, our DDs still have the right to be able to say goodnight to their father, so he'd better have the cell phone on to get their call. And of course the what if there's an emergency factor is an issue too.

As for everything else, I wouldn't really have any issues.

[Melanie]

Oh for sure it would upset me! I would not be calling him to chat about the weather or who spilled cereal on his guys' getaway weekend, but in case of emergency there's got to be a way to get a hold of him. He doesn't stop being a Dad just b/c he's away. ETA: I have to tell you though I can't imagine a group of GUYS sitting around watching Porn together. LOL! Dh would NEVER do that! Not judging, just giggling at the image. I would think they'd all be so uncomfortable! Before we had kids I was adament Dh not go to a strip club on any guys' getaway or business trip. Now I really don't care. Though I did say "No lap dances for you!" Though I am sure he planted himself right next to teh birthday boy to get a good view.

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

I am a little late to the game here. Are DH's friends single? It really sounds like my BILs. They are 30 and single and that sounds like their kind of weekend. We all get together for Thanksgiving and they try to drag DH and his other brother to the bars. They show up hung over. It's just a whole other world.

That said, I wouldn't be cool with DH going on a weekend like that. The strip club and porn would not fly. I wouldn't like the binge drinking either. If he turned off his cell, I would be livid.

I hope the weekend got better and your DH realized he should have kept his cell on. <hugs>

[kijip]

One thought, has your husband spoken to your priest about these activities? Perhaps a men's group at church would be a good outlet for your husband. Or a marriage building program via church for both of you? Again, I know I am prudish but my religious background is part of that and I know that is one thing we have had in common. I know you are Catholic, many Catholic parishes have a lot of resources for support, repair and nourish marriages.

[kransden]

I understand the need for a weekend. I understand he wants to get away. I understand that he doesn't want any calls from you. BUT what if something happens??? On of my friend's dh got hit by a car on his way home from work. What if something happened to one of your dcs? There are a million what-ifs that may require him having to come home.

He is also a total @##$ for not telling you where he is at. There is no way I would let dh go away for the weekend and not know how to get a hold of him. He isn't 18 anymore. He also needs to learn how to respect you.

Grrrh... I hope you really told him off.