Are you prepared?

[ha98ed14]

Based on a few of the recent posts here regarding problems in one's marriage, I want to know if my thoughts about "being prepared" are good or a little paranoid. Tell me what you think...

I watched my dad cheat twice on my mom and when he finally divorced her, he took everything. All the money was in his name, as well as the house. My mom was a SAHM with 2 kids. She had to start completely over. Based on my mom's experience, I am convinced that all married women, even ones with the best DH in the world, need an education and/ or job skill that can support them and their kid(s) and need to have assets/ money in their own name so that if she needs to leave or the H leaves, H can't take everything and leave the woman with nothing. (I know that some states have marital property laws, etc., but until there is a settlement in a divorce, both people are free to empty the accounts.)

I have a great DH, but I still have some money in my own name, enough that I could make it for a couple months on my own. And I love DH. I have no plans to leave him. He treats me really well, but it is still hard for me to put all my trust in him. I know that my mom's experience greatly colors the way I see this situation. Do you think I am being prepared or paranoid?

[pb&j]

I grew up in a very stable household (parents still happily married after 37 years), and I still think it is important for me to have money in my own name. I trust DH completely, but for me it's more about retaining my identity than preparing for the worst. I do think it's wise for women to, at the very least, be joint on every account their husband has and be fully briefed on all the financials. If DH were to die suddenly, and you weren't joint on everything, you would not have access to it until the estate was settled.

[kijip]

Divorce is not the only reason women need to be prepared to handle finances, potentially earn an income or deal with loss. Once can be widowed, one's husband who was the sole breadwinner could become totally disbabled and unable to work. There are a lot of uncetainities in life and not all of them are because of trust or marriage issues. I don't think you are paranoid, I think you are well prepared.

Given the number of divorces in which women end up much worse off financially than before, I think women need to be prepared to face whatever lies ahead.

We have seperate banking accounts, all signifigant long term funds and assets are in both names and we each have a decent set of work experience and job skills. That does not mean our marriage is on shaky ground or whatnot. We are very, very happy and in a healthy marriage and trust each other to the deepest degree.

[KBecks]

I think it's smart to have your own assets. I have quite a bit of money in my own accounts and job skills. Even with that kind of back up, dividing a household and setting up childcare would be extremely painful to do.

[niccig]

I don't think you're being paranoid. You do need to have things in your name and all major assets held jointly. I moved here from Australia and once we were married, I was put on all of DH's accounts. He also insisted on me having a credit card in my own name, so I could build a credit history. Same reason I was on the car loan etc even though it was a little higher interest because I didn't have as strong a history yet.

I would also watch how your past colours your trust with DH. I've got a similar family experience, and it's not fair to DH for me to use my negative experience with my Dad. I try not to, but there are still times I realize I'm unfairly treating DH or jumping to ridiculous conclusions based on my family experience. After 5 years of marriage, I can say it happens much less and I'm really glad about that.

[MontrealMum]

I don't think that you're paranoid in the least. My parents divorced amicably, and my mother had an extremely difficult time for the first few years: renting an appartment, getting credit cards, and buying a car...because she'd never had any credit separate from my dad. And she did have a job as well as savings/checking accounts and credit cards...but with my dad's name on them as well. Fewer women go from their parents' homes to their husband's [as they used to say], these days, but this is still an issue since many of those credit-establishing actions are still undertaken by husband and wife together.

It's very important to have an established credit history in your own name, on your own. Not just because of divorce, but as the pp have said, in case of accidents, illness, or any other sort of unforeseen circumstances. In case of divorce or death, yes, you and your children have a right to certain things, but it takes a long time to actually get access to them, so you need some funds in place for the interim.

A bit of a downer to talk about...but very necessary.

[lizajane]

i am not sure how to word this... but i think there is a difference between just good common sense/taking care of yourself and your family and "being prepared" for a divorce.

do i prepare myself in case of divorce? absolutely not. i trust my DH 100%, or to be totally honest, i would not have married him. i am absolutley confident that he will not step out on me and that he loves me with all his heart. i feel the same about him.

am i prepared to take care of myself and my family in the event of, let's say, emergency? yes. i have my own retirement accounts. the bank accounts were initially MY accounts, now with DH on them, so my name is on all money. i own a tiny business and DH's name is included as someone who can view my accounts. but it is all in my name. i believe i can build it with more time (as in, when my kids are in school.) i have great credit, i co-own my home with DH, i know my way around a bank account, credit card, mortgage and i know who to ask if i don't understand something (a best friend is a banker.) DH has enough life insurance to keep my family on stable ground for at LEAST two years, and that is without my working at all.

i would not care to say i am prepared in case DH leaves. i would not say it. that isn't how i view or treat my relationship. but can i take care of myself and DC? yes. and that is the important fact. not why i can, but that i can.

so IMHO, i think you sound paranoid. i don't mean that ugly at all!!!! i know many of us BBB gals have been quite surprised by some disagreeable events. but i choose to prepare for the worst, but ALWAYS EXPECT the BEST!

[mamicka]

He treats me really well, but it is still hard for me to put all my trust in him.

I agree with what Liza said - you need to be prepared for *life*, not divorce. I think your above comment is sad.

[hellokitty]

This is a topic close to my heart. My mom has always been very unsupportive about my decision to be a sahm. It stems from her feeling of helplessness when she was a sahm with three young kids, and wanted out of her marriage (which she is still in), but felt that she had no way to support herself and three kids. Not to mention my father would have made her life a living hell if she left him. She had let her nursing license lapse, b/c my father forced her to sahm. Ever since I was a little girl my mom always stressed to me that no matter what, I HAD to keep a part time job, in case I had to leave my marriage. Yes, it's been very irritating that my mom approaches my marriage with a, "you need to be prepared to leave" type of attitude ever since I was a little girl and I think that she feels that there is no such thing as a good marriage. Maybe that's why I've never grew up an image of marrying prince charming.

I am lucky, my DH is wonderful, we dated for 8 yrs before getting married, we've been together for 17 yrs. I am a sahm, I chose not to listen to my mom's advice. I am a RN, I have kept up my license, just as many RNs I know have done, whether or not they are working as a RN or not, it's like insurance. Should something happen to my marriage or should something happen to my DH and he is unable to work, I would be prepared to return to work. Not that I would like it, but I know that I could earn a living if I had to. It would be a substantial change in quality of life though, b/c my DH's income is more than double of what I would make. I also know that what will probably happen is that I would end up moving in with my parents so they could help out with childcare (I dread that part, my parents are very controlling). I have thought about this a lot. I think that my mother has made such an impression on me that I will never quite be able relax about my marriage, even though it has been a very strong one so far.

[belovedgandp]

I agree that it is a life preparedness issue. We have completely joint finances - both our names on almost everything and only one joint checking account. Now I handle 99% of the financial decisions. I could probably leave DH high and dry if I wanted to and I'm the SAHM. I make a conscious effort to keep him in the loop about how much we have where and why. I see him glaze over when it gets too boring, but I also know that if I was suddenly gone, he'd at least know who to call and is capable of balancing the check book even if he hasn't done it in 10 years.

Very timely post - I'm actually reading Suze Orman's "Women and Money" right now. She spends the first part of her book really discussing women and their issues with money in general plus the practical reasons for every woman to understand the basics of financial well being.

[ha98ed14]

I think that my mother has made such an impression on me that I will never quite be able relax about my marriage, even though it has been a very strong one so far.

This is very true for me also. A pp said she thought this was "sad." I don't think of it that way. I think of it as reality, and the challenge for me is to find ways not to act out of this fear or "inability to relax."

[kusumat]

My parents have a very happy marriage and stayed together for all these years (>35 yrs). My mother always told me to be highly educated, have high skilled paid job, not financially rely on husband. I worked hard before taking years off to be a SAHM and would not see any difficulty in returning to work later when kids started preschools. I believe in planning. As a CPA and financial advisor, I have taken control of our family finance. DH has trusted on this.

I think it is definitely important for women to have skilled job and be able to take care of themselves and family in case of any emergency happen.

I don't care about the alimony, but it can get very ugly for some female professionals who are married to lower skilled husband. I recalled my parents' friend who is a physician was very upset that she needed to pay alimony to her ex-husband. I am not sure whether it is common, or not? But it actually happened.

[egoldber]

I don't think much about it now. But when I was finishing high school and entering college, being able to support myself in case of a failed marriage was high on my priority list in picking a major and eventual career. I wanted to be able to support myself and children in case I needed to. That came from viewing my mother and a sister in abusive relationships, both of whom felt unable to leave due to finances.

I do still have a credit card that is in my name only but that's about it.

[momtoonegirl]

I feel that I am prepared for the future, should it be up to me to raise DD and/or support another DC alone if necessary.

As some of the PP have stated, life and/or emergencies do happen. My father died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 13, and my mother basically had to support myself and my older brother on her own. Luckily my parents were prepared for such a situation. My mother was financially stable on her own, and between her salary/income, savings, insurances from my dad etc., we were fine. She served as an excellent example for me, and as a result, I know the importance of preparedness. I am financially stable independently, and have an excellent job to return to when DD goes to preschool or earlier should the need arise.

[hellokitty]

This is very true for me also. A pp said she thought this was "sad." I don't think of it that way. I think of it as reality, and the challenge for me is to find ways not to act out of this fear or "inability to relax."

If you grew up in a family where you saw your mom struggle, b/c she wanted a divorce, or she got a divorce or your dad left, etc., there is no denying that an experience like that WILL affect you. I don't think it's something that we should look at as an burden. If it makes you feel better to have your own acct and to keep some of your own investments separate under your own name, I feel that there is nothing wrong with that. If you want to get a PT job so you can have some $ of your own, I don't see any issue with that either. It would concern me more if you had a DH who wouldn't let you do those sorts of things, then you definitely have a reason to be paranoid, kwim? It then become a control issue, which is what my mom dealt (and still deals) with.

I agree that being prepared for life situations is the way to look at this. However, for those who think that it's, "sad" to feel this way, it's one of those things that you will never be able to understand unless you experienced it. You might have had the luxury of growing up in a home with loving parents and a stable life, but not all of us share the same experience. As children, my brothers and I begged my mom to divorce my father. It was obvious that she was unhappy, we were all unhappy as well, but we saw that she suffered through the marriage, b/c she felt trapped. She kept telling us that she couldn't do it, b/c she was too scared to do it and she was afraid she wouldn't be able to support us financially. Something like that makes a big impression on you when you grow up seeing something like this happen in your family.

For me, I do not really have a separate acct from my DH (I have a small acct for my usborne books biz, but it's not a lot of $), I do have some investments from my parents that are still in my name. I try not to be paranoid about it, but should divorce, illness or the death of my DH occur, I feel that I am mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with the situation. I tend to be a pessimist, so when something bad happens, it's more of a, "it finally happened" than a, "why me" response. However, maybe I'm just abnormal. :)

[hellokitty]

I don't care about the alimony, but it can get very ugly for some female professionals who are married to lower skilled husband. I recalled my parents' friend who is a physician was very upset that she needed to pay alimony to her ex-husband. I am not sure whether it is common, or not? But it actually happened.

I know someone who is a NURSE and she has to pay alimony to her loser ex!!! He fought for dual custody of the children, so she would have to pay alimony to him (and his sleeze gf). He took all of the furniture in the house, she didn't even have enough $ to buy beds for her children with what was left over after she paid alimony. I've actually known this to happen to several nurses before and nurses definitely do NOT make enough $ to be able to pay alimony and still be financially stable to pay a mortgage and support kids. Luckily, that particular nurse has since then re-married (to another nurse), so financially she is much better off now, but she still owes several more yrs of alimony to her ex. Don't quote me on it, but I think there is a formula, like you get 1 yr of alimony for every x yrs you were married or something like that. It probably differs depending on the state you reside in.

[TonFirst]

"I also know that if I was suddenly gone, he'd at least know who to call and is capable of balancing the check book even if he hasn't done it in 10 years."

That's us - all of our money is joint, but I'm the one who keeps track of where everything is, and between the different 401k's, the pension plan, the mutual funds, the bank we invested in... it's in, like, seven different places. My husband knows that there's a special folder on my laptop where I keep a clear, easy-to-read spreadsheet that has all of the crucial information, as well as what bills we have every month, what bills I pay online, which are automatic, which ones I write a check for, and the amounts. I also have a hard-copy sheet with all of our account numbers and passwords, as well as which bank branch has our safety deposit box. I joke that the information is there in case I get hit by a bus, but I'm dead serious about him being to access everything in case something happens to me.

Likewise, I would hope that if your spouse is the person who handles the finances for your family, you know where all the money is, as well as how to get to it. Like a PP said, I could totally leave my husband high and dry. Good thing we trust each other!

[Melanie]

I don't think you are paranoid, I think you are prepared. One never knows in life. I've known some women to be completely blind-sided by a husband leaving; and then the SOB taking it all without regard to his children's health & well-being. Were it not for family, they would have been on the street. Honestly, both of our cars are in Dh's name and it leave me extremely nervous, though I just wasn't able to get to the far-away dealership at night with toddler-in-tow, to sign when we bought mine.

I used to know a woman who came home to find herself locked out of the home. The police told her there was nothing they could do b/c it was all in his name, including the cars. She didn't even have the right to enter to retrieve basics for herself and her child. The husband was doing this to set her up to lose custody (i.e. "how can she care for our child? she has nothing.")

[ThreeofUs]

I have heard and seen horror stories like yours, and it makes me cautious. My preparedness, though, is for the continuation of my career and ensuring our financial boat is stable. I already have plenty of degrees, professional experience in a wide array of fields and a great credit rating that goes back 20 years.

That said, we have everything (except for retirement accounts from employers and the odd IRA) in both our names. I handle the money because DH can't be bothered. I'm SAHM'ing right now, but I have my own consulting business to ensure I keep my name active in the community.

If anything happens to DH, I can take over. If something awful happens to us financially, I'll just go back to work PT or FT. So I feel prepared, like we have a good ability to meet challenges that life might throw at us.

[saschalicks]

In short yes.

Now for the long. My parents have been married 40 years. My mother at no time has ever shared a bank account w/my father EVER. They trust each a million percent, but they always said it's what worked for them. I respect their ability to be able to do it their way. However, what did it teach me? Not necessarily to be prepared, but to know how to take care of myself (and children). Yes, DH and I share a bank acct but I have things in my name that he is not a part of. They are inhertance to ME. Do I use the money for us? Absolutely, but in the end that is money for the boys not for DH, if something happens.

I think we need to teach women and our daughters the importance of being able to take care of themselves. Abdicating all knowledge and power to anyone, even your husband, is not taking care of yourself. This is my personal opinion. For the record DH & I have a very stable loving marriage.

[Marisa6826]

I'm jointly listed on everything. I handle all the money (Jonathan doesn't even know passwords to get into the accts).

I'm also listed as beneficiary on his life insurance policy.

With regard to education, I have a solid enough background to go back into project management in architecture/construction/brownstone renovation, though it's not something that I would particularly WANT to do. I'm back in school at the moment working towards an RN.

-m

[MontrealMum]

We have all been talking about financial preparedness and skills which are all extremely important, but what about legal documents?

Since we just had DS, we have had wills, powers of attorney, and guardianship documents drawn up in case anything should ever happen.
Now our wishes are on record, and we know that my best friend and her husband will raise DS, and that they will do it with the trust we have established for him.

This was important for two reasons: our parents are all quite old and unable to step in, no matter how much they'd like to, and I wouldn't trust my SIL to raise a cat, much less my child. You never know what might happen, and without any documents in place the court often rules in favor of blood relations - and my SIL is the kind of person who, even though she's shown very little interest in DS, would get herself right in there and muddle everything up.

Our laws are different up here in Quebec so I won't talk specifics, but I urge everyone to have something in place designating guardianship for your children, a will, and a medical power of attorney for yourself and your DH.

[kusumat]

We have all been talking about financial preparedness and skills which are all extremely important, but what about legal documents?

Since we just had DS, we have had wills, powers of attorney, and guardianship documents drawn up in case anything should ever happen.
Now our wishes are on record, and we know that my best friend and her husband will raise DS, and that they will do it with the trust we have established for him.

This was important for two reasons: our parents are all quite old and unable to step in, no matter how much they'd like to, and I wouldn't trust my SIL to raise a cat, much less my child. You never know what might happen, and without any documents in place the court often rules in favor of blood relations - and my SIL is the kind of person who, even though she's shown very little interest in DS, would get herself right in there and muddle everything up.

Our laws are different up here in Quebec so I won't talk specifics, but I urge everyone to have something in place designating guardianship for your children, a will, and a medical power of attorney for yourself and your DH.


I would also consider setting up the living trust. Without it, 3-5% of your property will be lose through the probate. The will doesn't prevent the probate.

[kozachka]

I am not as prepared as some of you as far as record keeping goes but it would be more a problem for DH than I in case something happens. I am the one who has masters in finance (and 3 other majors) and handles our accounts and taxes. I have a well paying job so if something were to happen to DH my income be would more than enough to take care of DS and my needs.

And while my name is not on some of the accounts that we have, primarily DH' retirement money, we have all our assets in a trust so if he or I were to die unexpectedly, it won't be an issue. Even while I did not have any income of my own, I applied for a credit card and added DH to it. My credit is not as great as DH's mostly because I have not lived in the States for as many years as he did and did not have as many loans in my name.

My relationship with DH is far from perfect and one of the reasons I went back to working FT is to be financially independent. There were a few scary moments when I thought I wanted out (if only for a few hours-couple days) but had no idea how I would manage without a steady source of income while looking for a job and funding divorce lawyers. My IRA would have not been enough.

ETA: I do not know if I would have been able to afford a loan to pay DH off instead of selling our house, which is in both of our names and which about 30% financed with money from the sale of the condo he had bought before we married, if we were ever to divorce.

[ShanaMama]

i am not sure how to word this... but i think there is a difference between just good common sense/taking care of yourself and your family and "being prepared" for a divorce.

do i prepare myself in case of divorce? absolutely not. i trust my DH 100%, or to be totally honest, i would not have married him. i am absolutley confident that he will not step out on me and that he loves me with all his heart. i feel the same about him.

am i prepared to take care of myself and my family in the event of, let's say, emergency? yes. i have my own retirement accounts. the bank accounts were initially MY accounts, now with DH on them, so my name is on all money. i own a tiny business and DH's name is included as someone who can view my accounts. but it is all in my name. i believe i can build it with more time (as in, when my kids are in school.) i have great credit, i co-own my home with DH, i know my way around a bank account, credit card, mortgage and i know who to ask if i don't understand something (a best friend is a banker.) DH has enough life insurance to keep my family on stable ground for at LEAST two years, and that is without my working at all.

i would not care to say i am prepared in case DH leaves. i would not say it. that isn't how i view or treat my relationship. but can i take care of myself and DC? yes. and that is the important fact. not why i can, but that i can.

so IMHO, i think you sound paranoid. i don't mean that ugly at all!!!! i know many of us BBB gals have been quite surprised by some disagreeable events. but i choose to prepare for the worst, but ALWAYS EXPECT the BEST!

Once again I am ITA with everything LizaJane said. DH handles all the finances but I have a general idea of what we have where, & I am uninvolved because I find it boring & tedious, not because he hides anything from me. Right now we are both working, I contribute about 40% of the income, although I don't know if that would be enough to pay our mortgage, etc on my own. All our assets are joint except his IRA & my 401K & the random account my grandparents gifted to me.
I've posted here before about difficulties in my marriage, but I trust my DH a million %. He would never cheat on me or walk out on me. It just wouldn't happen. That said, I made sure he has a large life insurance policy, he consults with me on all major financial decisions, & I insisted that I be listed on the deed of the house & mortgage. (He thought we might get a better rate if it was only in his name. I said too bad.)
I have also kept open one or two credit cards in my own name to ensure that I have a good credit history independant of DH's & we regularly check both of our credit reports.
So I'd say that I'm in the loop in general because I feel that's the responsible way to be. If I needed to pick up on my own after some kind of tragedy I would have difficulty, but I wouldn't be clueless. I am not prepared to live my life in fear of something going wrong. I take what I see are necessary precautions (life insurance, etc.) and then hope & pray for the best.