Spinoff: SAHM- do you have your own $?

[hellokitty]

This is a spinoff from the, "are you prepared?" thread. I was wondering for those of you who are sahms, do you have your own acct? If you do, is that $ that you earned before you became a sahm or do you get some sort of allowance in set intervals?

I want to set up an allowance for both my DH and I for spending $, but my DH is dead set against it. He feels that since he earned the $, he should be free to spend it as he wishes and doesn't want to be limited. I think this is very selfish of him, b/c he spends an ungodly amt of $ on his, "hobbies." I think more of it should go toward our savings. He never limits the amt that I spend, but I am the bargain hunter, he isn't, so guess who spends more $ and I'm not the one with expensive hobbies (ie: golf, his stupid car, fly fishing, stereo equipment, etc.)?

If you have some sort of system set up with your DH, can you please share it with me, so I can get some ideas?

[BeachBum]

Almost all of our mutual funds, (IRA, 529 etc) are auto drafted from our checking account. That alone makes saving automatic and by definition limits the amount of "disposable" income.
Neither one of us has an issue with the other's spending so we don't do an "allowance". If one person is making a larger than normal purchase we tell the other one to make sure that there is money available. If our budget was tighter we might have to do things differently, but for the most part this works for us.
My husband doesn't take any sort of "I earned it" attitude, nor does he comment on my spending. We absolutely share everything and saving for our future is just part of the planning for "our" life together.

[KBecks]

I had a lot in retirement accounts before marriage. DH and I fully fund our ROTH savings through our joint incomes. Since I've SAH (I work very little PT) we still save for goals and things together. I manage all our finances so that really helps me because I know I'm looked out for. :)

Thankfully my DH doesn't have expensive hobbies. That's one of the things I like about him. Well he spent a lot on power tools but that's small compared to other expensive hobbies. I am more giving about big purchases that he makes but I could spend more on myself if I wanted to.

ETA: Oh my husband said something stupid a few months ago that it's all his money, and I corrected him, especially as I had just received an inheritance (which is in my investment account in my name only). He knows it's not all his money but he gets stupid a little because he sees himself as the big earner.

[katydid1971]

Yes and Yes. I have accounts that I started when I was working and continue to contribute to now. DH and I take his pay check and "pay ourselves first" putting money into both Roth IRAs, a 529 for DS and 2 internet savings accts. Then we have the amount we need to pay the mortgage, power, phone, insurance, etc. Then we have what's left. We each have a budget, mine is consideribly higher because I do all the shopping and his is really more "fun money". You might want to remind your Dh that even though you don't bring in a salary you work very hard keeping the family a float. I have seen different things saying the value of a sahm is $100,000+ a year. You might want to find one of those article online and show it to DH.

[niccig]

I want to set up an allowance for both my DH and I for spending $, but my DH is dead set against it. He feels that since he earned the $, he should be free to spend it as he wishes and doesn't want to be limited. I think this is very selfish of him, b/c he spends an ungodly amt of $ on his, "hobbies." I think more of it should go toward our savings. He never limits the amt that I spend, but I am the bargain hunter, he isn't, so guess who spends more $ and I'm not the one with expensive hobbies (ie: golf, his stupid car, fly fishing, stereo equipment, etc.)?


Are you married to my DH? I have the exact same situation. I would like us to save more in the flush working years, and spend less. DH is much more of a spender, and pre-marriage he was single with a lot of disposable income. He is also very generous and spends a tonne on presents. Yes, I receive many of those, but it's more than I'm comfortable with.

We've got a lot going on right now, but I need to sit down with DH and talk. I worry more than he does about money, how much we're saving etc, DH isn't worried. But it's not fair for my concerns to be ignored. I think we need a financial game plan that we are both comfortable with. Part of that should be how much we can spend.

One couple I know has a set limit per year that the other can spend on whatever they want. It sounded great to me, but then her Dh went over his limit by a lot of $$, she was very POed as they have huge bills (medical, house renovation), so I think the plan also needs to include what happens if you go over - eg. You sell some of the hobby things to make up the difference or next year, you get that much less.

I'll be watching this thread to see if anyone has any ideas.

[egoldber]

I have a large retirement 401k account in my name only from when I was working. I also have various IRAs in my name. DH has the equivalent IRAs in his name, but all of our other investments (except for DH's 401k) are joint.

All our other money is joint. We don't get allowances, but neither of us is a frivolous spender. That is to say, we each have our own hobbies and frivolities :) but neither of us thinks the other spends excessively on them or feels the need to consult the other except when making large purchases, like a vehicle or a household appliance. We very much have the mindset of our money, not his or her money.

[pittsburghgirl]

My DH is a little psycho about his personal checking account, so I maintained mine when I quick working and he deposits $ in it monthly for the household expenses, DS's education, etc.

He pays the mortgage and all of our investments draft off his account after his paychecks hit. The reality of that means that DH also has an "allowance" since there isn't a lot left in there after all the deductions. We each have IRAs (mine includes rollover from my working days), he has his work 401K and we have a 529 for DS. Plus various other stock, mutual funds and other investments. DH is a CFA so he is in charge of our finances overall but we have regular "meetings" to go over where we are, what the yearly goals are, what kinds of things are in the budget for this year (home improvement, vacation), etc.

I don't have to account for every dime of what I spend to him, however, I manage my checkbook with Quicken and categorize everything so we can occasionally run reports to see if our stated budget is working. My "allowance" is sometimes adjusted accordingly.

DH has always been of the opinion that what he makes is for the family and our future, but it works better for us to have our day-to-day spending separate.

[belovedgandp]

I seriously can't imagine having the attitude that my money is my money and I'll spend it how I want.

It's completely ridiculous not to value the input of a SAHM in a family's bottom line as well as childish and selfish to think that the fun money is mine to spend.

I don't necessarily think the mechanics are that important, but a defined budget is essential. Ours is relatively loose because we have similar spending philosophies and nothing either one of us does solo hobby wise is terribly costly. I do have friends that had wildly different spending patterns. Their solution was a concrete budget they live by. If you want a new hobby toy, you save your hobby allowance for it.

The simple thing we do for fun money is have a set amount of cash that is taken out of the checking account twice a month. This is our only money that's not tracked in the budget. DH mostly uses it for lunches out, poker nights or weird games/techno things. I do lunches with the kids, GNO, or the craft store. My cash is a little lopsided towards the kids, but if we do something as a family on the weekend that falls into the fun category it usually comes out of DH stash. Once again we're pretty similar, so we joke when one of us ends up "stealing" a twenty or something on the 28th of the month.

[ThreeofUs]

Except for retirement accounts and some inherited money in IRAs, everything is joint. Except I own the airline miles credit card! ;)

We should definitely budget better, but we're both really frugal and talk (to absolute *death*) about purchases over about $20. We joke that we ought to offer our services to anyone who needs to over-think a choice.

[kusumat]

We have kept investment/retirement/personal properties bf marriage the same name. We opened the joint investment/checking/saving right after the wedding and have been putting our income in the joint one. As financial planning is my field, I have monitored all our accounts.

One of reasons my dh and I am so compatible because of our similar value, culture, and spending habits. We like to save more than spend.

SAHM doesn't make me less valuable because I still manage our finance. Beside that I made more money than my husband bf I left on my maternity(and didn't go back).

[hellokitty]

Thanks for sharing how you and your spouse handle accts and spending cash. I guess I should clarify. We do automatically have funds taken out of our checking acct for investment purposes. I guess I am just a worrier and would like to see us try to save more than through the 403, IRA, investments, etc..

What makes me mad is my DH will spend $20-$30 here and there, in a wk it easily adds up to quite a bit. He is also very generous, often treating ppl out to lunch, etc.. I guess I am the tightwad and it just irritates me that to me, it seems like he throws $ around... When we first got married he had over 25K in credit card debt. I almost killed him when I found out. I knew he had some debt, I had no idea it would be THAT much. I made him cut up all of his cc's except for one, we got a lot of wedding $, ALL of it went toward his damn cc debt, and we spent another 2 yrs paying off his cc debt. He said, "now that I'm married I can't spend $ anymore." Oooh, that just made me so mad. I feel like I am the mother and he is the little kid in the candy store. :32: We currently pay off our cc every month, so hold no balance (that was how I was brought up, but my parents are the stingiest ppl on the face of the planet), but IMO he still spends a LOT on himself.

[KrisM]

I have a 401k that I haven't rolled over yet. I have a ROTH IRA, too.

Other than that, all of our stuff is joint. We spend what we want, but neither of us are big spenders, so it works. DH hardly buys anything because I do most of the shopping and he just lets me know if he nees something.

We each have a credit card in only one name, but rarely use it as we use the joint. The seperate card is just for safey reasons - if his wallet is stolen on vacation we still have my card to use.

I do have a small checking account in only my name that is tied to paypal, but I don't keep much in there at all.

[bunnisa]

Neither of us has our "own" money per se, it's all "ours".

We do each get a monthly amount in separate personal accounts to be spent however we wish, no questions asked. So if I want to blow it all on lattes, that's cool, or if I save it up and buy something nice, that's fine too. We also use our personal accounts to buy each other gifts (so that we're able to surprise each other).

[niccig]

Thanks for sharing how you and your spouse handle accts and spending cash. I guess I should clarify. We do automatically have funds taken out of our checking acct for investment purposes. I guess I am just a worrier and would like to see us try to save more than through the 403, IRA, investments, etc..

What makes me mad is my DH will spend $20-$30 here and there, in a wk it easily adds up to quite a bit. He is also very generous, often treating ppl out to lunch, etc.. I guess I am the tightwad and it just irritates me that to me, it seems like he throws $ around... When we first got married he had over 25K in credit card debt. I almost killed him when I found out. I knew he had some debt, I had no idea it would be THAT much. I made him cut up all of his cc's except for one, we got a lot of wedding $, ALL of it went toward his damn cc debt, and we spent another 2 yrs paying off his cc debt. He said, "now that I'm married I can't spend $ anymore." Oooh, that just made me so mad. I feel like I am the mother and he is the little kid in the candy store. :32: We currently pay off our cc every month, so hold no balance (that was how I was brought up, but my parents are the stingiest ppl on the face of the planet), but IMO he still spends a LOT on himself.

I hear you. It drives me crazy too.
I need to really talk to DH about this. We have to get on the same page. It'll have to be a compromise in our situation, as I don't think he'll ever come to the financial conservative side as I am. But there has to be middle ground. I'm going to start with the..."I really worry about this..." Or maybe see a financial counsellor - someone with experience with couples counselling too would be great.

[Marisa6826]

Everything is "ours" even though technically I guess you could say that Jonathan earns 100% of it. It all goes into one account, where it's then spun off into MMAs, etc.

We have an agreement that any large purchases ($100+) are discussed first, but that pretty much happens anyway. Since I do 99% of the shopping - clothes, housewares, food, and also do the bills, it's not like anything is much of a surprise. The only thing that J is responsible for is the research and purchase of techy stuff (computers, etc.). Since those fall under major purchases, they're never impulse buys, anyway. His hobby stuff tends to be used PSP or Wii games that he buys off of eBay or on different trading sites, and he uses Paypal. He likes the sport of hunting for the cheapest price, so they're almost never more than $20.

We got rid of ALL of our credit cards about a year ago, so it really curtails any 'spending like a sailor on leave'-type of behaviour.

-m