WWYD-Misbehaving at Preschool

[bnme]

My DS is 5 and is in his 3rd year of preschool (starting K this fall). Lately his teacher has been mentioning that she’s been having issues with him talking out excessively and interrupting, especially during circle time. He is also going up to her often to tell her little things like how he just started a new sports class or that blue is his favorite color and on and on. He has been doing this at home too, always interrupting and talking over his little brother. Mostly normal 5-year-old behavior (I think?) that we have been working on. But it was never an issue at school. In fact I have never had any issues with him at all at school so I am not sure how to deal with it.

Since she first mentioned it about 2 weeks ago we have been talking about how circle time is time to listen and answer questions by raising hands, and not to keep going up to Miss Virginia to tell her little things when it is free play and she is working with other students. It's hard because he is very chatty and social and inquisitive and I don't want to reprimand him for it in general, just teach him about appropriateness.

Today when it happened again I told him he could not play computer games (Leapster/Vsmile) for the rest of the day because of it. He was not happy. But I am not sure how effective it will be or if it was the right thing to do. I thought about doing a reward chart and giving stars for not getting in trouble. But should I be rewarding a 5 year old for doing what he is supposed to do?

How do you all handle these types of situations? What would you do if you were me?

A little background: I adore his teacher and she is very patient with the kids. Not at all overly-strict or expecting them to behave perfectly. Kids often talk out in circle time and she will address what they said and remind them to raise their hand if they have a question or something to say. So I fully trust that his behavior must be excessive for her to mention it to me. It is a co-op school so I volunteer monthly and know what goes on and see how he usually behaves. He is often chatty but very good about raising his hand and waiting to be called on.

[egoldber]

It sounds like normal 5 yo behavior to me. I think the teacher is expecting too much.

But my 6.5 yo does the same thing, and as far as I can tell, so does half her first grade class.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Sounds normal to me too. My 5yo constantly wants to tell people what's going on in his life. It hasn't been brought up as a problem. He is in k now.

Beth

[bnme]

I think I will talk with her and get more specifics. I have seen kids talking out a lot and she seems to handle it well and it is not an issue. Like pp's said its normal behavior. But maybe she is discussing it as a 'problem' with those parents, too. She made it seem like it was disruptive so I assumed it went beyond this. Maybe she just bought it up since it is unusual for him (not being chatty, but interrupting during circle time). Now I am feeling stressed about this.

Also wondering how other parents address 'discipline issues' from school. I am using the term lightly -basically if your kid gets in trouble at school what do you do at home?

[egoldber]

You know, I used to try to do stuff at home. But my MIL, a former teacher, gave me really good advice. She warned me not to let the teacher sucker me into doing her job for her. Its not my job to deal with her behavior at school, its the teacher's job. So these days I really only address concerns that Sarah has about school, other than that, I let it go.

[hillview]

Ok so NO idea as DS is 2.5 but sounds like he is a good kid and that his behavior isn't really out of line per se (perhaps a little annoying to the teacher). Maybe you could work on this more at home without punishment. And have a correction plan when he interrupts you or a sign that you and the teacher could both do. Like he speaks out or come up to you when you are in the middle of something and you wink or something as a reminder.

I am not sure about the punishment thing ... he is being interested and generally I am an encourage appropriate interest sort of person. So helping him get it to be appropriate seems like the a possible option.

Good luck!!
/hillary

[purpleeyes]

You know, I used to try to do stuff at home. But my MIL, a former teacher, gave me really good advice. She warned me not to let the teacher sucker me into doing her job for her. Its not my job to deal with her behavior at school, its the teacher's job. So these days I really only address concerns that Sarah has about school, other than that, I let it go.

I agree with you to some extent. I don't think that as parents we should pile up the punishments if there have been effective consequences at school. I think it's important to acknolwedge and support our teachers, tho. In my experience, sometimes, if a parent doesn't follow up at home, the child is less inclined to follow the rules. They may view the parent as not caring, so why should they? Consquences at school may not be enough to change the behavior.

To the OP, if you and the teacher decide that the behavior needs to change, something I use A LOT in school is a positive behavior contract. The student earns something (points, checks, smilies, etc.) when they engage in a positive/good behavior (staying in seat, not interrupting other students, etc.) After a week, if the student has earned a specified amount, they get a reward at home. Usually I suggest a reward like spending time with mom/dad at a favorite restaurant, or watching a movie, etc, rather than a tangible toy or something.

HTH!

[egoldber]

I guess I should clarify. I do talk with her about things the teacher brings up. But I can't be there to work with her at school, so I don't feel like I should punish/reward her at home for things that happen at school. Something like interrupting is something we work on all the time with her because its an issue at home as well.

But I don't know how to work with her on things like staying seated to do her work because its not something we deal with at home. I can ask her to stay seated at school, but I also don't want to harp on her for things that I see as being largely personality related and somewhat beyond the self control of the average 6 year old. She's already pretty devastated that she doesn't get the junky rewards given out by the teacher for good behavior when she feels like she is trying her best.

Sorry, but this is a really sore subject with me these days.

[squimp]

I think this is a common issue in preschool. All of the kids in DD's class (age 4-5) are this way - some more than others. I would ask the teacher directly how you can help, and see what she recommends. And I completely agree that the teacher should be the one handling these issues in context. It's really hard to discipline such a young child at home for "misbehaving" at school, because there's such a disconnect between the action and the discipline. I'd be more likely to reward him for a good day. We did this with potty learning - if DD stayed dry all day at school, she got to eat ice cream at night. It wasn't long before she was having ice cream every night! (another problem altogether, of course!)

[KBecks]

Can you offer him some alternative behaviors, like talking to one of his friends instead if he sees that his teacher is busy? I wouldn't freak out over it, it takes patience and practice.

[KBecks]

But my MIL, a former teacher, gave me really good advice. She warned me not to let the teacher sucker me into doing her job for her.

LOL, I think that's an interesting point of view. :) Thanks for sharing.

[Pennylane]

I think 5 is old enough for a child to understand to sit and be quiet for circle time. It is really just getting them ready for kindergarten where the teacher will be more strict about this.

I do agree that it is the teacher that should deal with this at school to a certain point. My dd's teacher in her last year of preschool told me at a meeting that sometimes my dd had to be taken out of circle time because she was being distracting to the other children. I was shocked because I had no idea that was happening and the teacher said not a big deal, they were working on it and she was getting much better. I spoke with my dd after the meeting and she said "I know mom and I am really working hard to stop being so silly". I really liked the way the teacher handled it.

I would set up some type of reward system with her. If she does good that day maybe she gets a special treat. I'm sure the teacher would be happy to work with you.

Ann

[californiagirl]

When something happens at daycare, we don't punish for it at home; discipline at school is the school's business. We do make sure that DD knows we take it seriously, and we do attempt to help her with it. We might adapt home rules to be more like school rules; we might talk about "what you do when..."; we might make a book with a story about it; we might brainstorm 5 things you could do when the teacher is talking and you really want to say something; we might otherwise consider it a problem to solve together (would it help to have a sign somewhere you can see to remind you? would it help to have something to fiddle with?). But punishments and rewards for behaviour at school are up to the school.

[mommy111]

I guess I should clarify. I do talk with her about things the teacher brings up. But I can't be there to work with her at school, so I don't feel like I should punish/reward her at home for things that happen at school. Something like interrupting is something we work on all the time with her because its an issue at home as well.

But I don't know how to work with her on things like staying seated to do her work because its not something we deal with at home. I can ask her to stay seated at school, but I also don't want to harp on her for things that I see as being largely personality related and somewhat beyond the self control of the average 6 year old. She's already pretty devastated that she doesn't get the junky rewards given out by the teacher for good behavior when she feels like she is trying her best.

Sorry, but this is a really sore subject with me these days.
ITA with Beth. I would talk to my DD if the teacher complained about something, but short of some very serious behavior issues like hitting/biting/throwing tantrums, I think the teacher needs to deal with this in an effective manner at school. Maybe by NOT calling on everyone when she knows they want to share something during circle time which is not appropriate at that time. It is certainly not something that I would punish my DD for at home. Perfectly appropriate for your DS to want to share details of his day with the teacher, he just needs to learn the appropriate times and the only person who can teach him the appropriate times is the teacher. Or I may do something creative like do circle time at home with all the stuffed toys and DH and tell the teddy bear (or DH) that he needs to talk only about snowflakes if we're talking about snow flakes that day and reinforce what the teacher is telling him that way. It sounds too toally severe to have teacher annoyed with him at school and mommy at home over such a small infarction.

[purpleeyes]

I guess I should clarify. I do talk with her about things the teacher brings up. But I can't be there to work with her at school, so I don't feel like I should punish/reward her at home for things that happen at school. Something like interrupting is something we work on all the time with her because its an issue at home as well.

But I don't know how to work with her on things like staying seated to do her work because its not something we deal with at home. I can ask her to stay seated at school, but I also don't want to harp on her for things that I see as being largely personality related and somewhat beyond the self control of the average 6 year old. She's already pretty devastated that she doesn't get the junky rewards given out by the teacher for good behavior when she feels like she is trying her best.

Sorry, but this is a really sore subject with me these days.


I completely agree that personality and development are BIG considerations when trying to decide how to follow up. I think we are on the same page, just have different ways of explaining it! :) I think also I was thinking of older children, not little ones who are just trying to learn how to behave in a school setting.

I am sorry that you and your DD are having to deal with this, too. It is so hard on the younger students when they are trying to do the right thing and don't get recognized for it! I always try to set up my contracts/systems with behaviors the student needs to work on, but also behaviors that they were already doing so they have a measure of success. I hope things work out for you guys! :)

[jk3]

I think it's important to form a partnership with the teacher. Beth, it sounds like you have philosophical differences with the teacher so this might be hard for you. Otherwise, I think it's important to have consequences at home as well so your children know how important it is to you that they act appropriately at school. I'm speaking as a teacher and as a parent of a child who is working on some of these issues as well!

[egoldber]

But here's my concern. I want Sarah to be able to talk openly to me about what happens at school. If she knows that there will be "consequences" at home from sharing that information, then she won't be honest with me.

There was an issue at school early on, and I would ask her at home about it. She told me one day, "I don't want to tell you, I don't want to get in trouble!" I promised her she would never get in trouble for being honest with me about things that happen in school. Not that I don't talk to her or work with her. But having *consequences* at home for school behaviors is not something I will do at this point. To me, setting the parent up to be a disciplinarian for issues that happen at school is counterproductive. Obviously my opinion is not shared by teachers, and I'm OK with that.

I do have many concerns about some of the discipline techniques used at her school. I don't think its an issue with her teacher per se, because many of her techniques are common to the school. She uses a "crayon box" where kids get to color in one crayon when the kids are caught "being good". Once they color in the whole box, they get to pick a junky treat from a box the teacher has. Only Sarah keeps losing hers and never gets to complete one. And she says "I am good a lot, but I never get to color in a crayon." It breaks my heart.

They also take away recess as a consequence which is just stupid IMO because its often their one physical outlet in a very long day, not to mention the only time they are allowed to socialize without getting in trouble for it. And often teachers don't see the consequence of that, the parents do when your kid is stir crazy after sitting at a desk with no exercise for 7 hours and THEN is expected to do 30-60 minutes of homework! So yes, I guess I clearly have philosophical issues with the school.

[purpleeyes]

They also take away recess as a consequence which is just stupid IMO because its often their one physical outlet in a very long day, not to mention the only time they are allowed to socialize without getting in trouble for it. And often teachers don't see the consequence of that, the parents do when your kid is stir crazy after sitting at a desk with no exercise for 7 hours and THEN is expected to do 30-60 minutes of homework! So yes, I guess I clearly have philosophical issues with the school.

Could you go to your principal about this? At our school we have a strict "do not take away recess" policy put in place by the principal except in extreme cases or for bad behavior *at* recess. I completely agree that it is counterintuitive to remove recess as a consequence, sometimes the students' behavior worse b/c they don't have a break!

I hope things improve for you guys...