SAHM Mommy BURNOUT... Help?

[bisous]

Title says *MOST* of it.

I'm just having such a hard time figuring out how to do all that I am required. DH works hard and I really respect him for it. He is gone every day from 7:30 a.m. until nearly 10:00 p.m. On Saturdays he's usually watching the kids for me for at least a couple of hours and we do family stuff together. Sunday is our blessed day of rest.

BUT the rest of the week I am just falling further and further behind in all aspects of my life.

It goes like this. Monday through approx. Wednesday I've seriously got it going on. Homeschooling DS1, keeping clean, laundry, cooking meals etc. But by Thursday morning I'm pretty burnt. So everything slips a little.

How do other SAHM's do it? DS1, while 4 yo is really hard both because of his diabetes and because, well he's just really hard. I don't have any babysitters except for my mom who is really busy as a public school teacher.

Do you guys have any suggestions for figuring out how to deal with the myriads of responsibilities? I feel like I could be a parent all week by myself no sweat. I get a little overwhelmed doing the cleaning, laundry, cooking and taking care of all of our financial obligations. Oh and I'm totally getting out of shape--haven't exercised since late December!

Help!

Jen

[KBecks]

Well your DH's work hours are extreme -- he comes home to sleep, huh? I'm sorry, that is so stressful and I'm sure he's sad he doesn't get more time with the kids.

I joined a gym that has excellent childcare about a year ago and I love it. I exercise 2-3 times a week and it's a nice break. Since you are alone all the time, I think you should look into something like this and see what's available in your area.

Another lifesaver is MOMs club. Playgroups and playdates help. I'm coming at this from a socialization standpoint.

As for chores and things, how about a schedule and routines -- Have you ever looked at Flylady? She's really great. I find that laundry and dishes aren't so hard (but I have easy access to 1st floor laundry machines). Hope you get some good tips for the other parts. Cooking, you may want to come up with a list of your main things you cook and eat all the time -- most people have their standard recipes of foods they like. If you have a list of maybe 10 or more favorites for breakfast, lunches, snacks, and dinners it could make your shopping and meal planning easier.

I think you should clean one room a day or something and divide it up into manageable chunks. I'd also be simple about your expectations of cleaning and reduce the frequency of cleanings if you are running ragged.

Good luck!

[KBecks]

I found a sitter by asking our children's librarian if she knew any teen volunteers who wanted a sitting job. She also runs the certification classes so she's connected with babysitters.

[SnuggleBuggles]

YOur dh works some crazy hours! Is there anyway he can work from home any portions of that? It sounds like you aren't just a SAHM but a single mom too.

The first thing that comes to mind is that maybe you could either get someone to help clean and maybe send out your laundry (look for pick up/ drop off service) or just lowering your expectations. It's ok for the house to not be spotless. It really doesn't matter so long as it isn;t a biohazard, imo. Sometimes I can get ds to help me clean and we just turn on the music and have fun doing it.

A lot of times I got to that point with being a SAHM and almost every time it did just fizzle out and I was able to get back in the swing of things without feeling overwhelmed. But, on occasion I was able to go on little trips w/o kids and that was great. Even a night out with my friends could be enough to recharge. Do you have any mom friends that you could share childcare with? Or maybe just someone who could come over and play with ds while you got stuff done aroiund the house?

I hope things get easier!

Beth

[egoldber]

As a SAHM who is on 24/7, you need to find a way to get relief. I aksed everyone I knew for sitter recommendations, sent out e-mails to friends. I finally got hooked up with a nanny who was looking for morning hours since the kid she watches is in morning kindy and I could not be happier. She is fabulous. But it can take awhile to find someone you really like and trust.

I just wanted to mention the HS part though. Your DS1 is 4. I think you should cut yourself a lot of slack in that regard. As long as he knows his letters and numbers and letter sounds, I wouldn't sweat anything else. Seriously.

I've started using my crockpot a lot for meals and its been a blessing. Its not the most gourmet of meals LOL but it means food that is easily gotten ready that I don't have to tend to during those awful afternoon cranky hours.

I think sometimes as SAHMs we create these unrealistic expectations for ourselves. You can't do everything the absolute BEST all the time. You can't. And that's OK. Cut yourself a lot of slack. Sometimes just doing well enough is OK, especially if it means you are happier.

[KBecks]

The other thing to work through is trusting another person to care for your son and help him with his diabetes. I remember you mentioning a high frequency of blood checks, so you may want to search for an adult babysitter. A friend has an adult babysitter who worked in childcare at our gym and she asked her to come babysit regularly once or more a week. Her husband also works a ton. She has her son in daycare 2 mornings a week also and has a house cleaner. I think she's put together a pretty great support system, but it's still not that easy. We have standing playdates nearly every week. Preschool will help you if you go down that path to catching more of a break. You may also want to ask the preschool aide who uses the pump your son uses if she would be interested in a regular sitting job or just once in a while. Another playgroup friend whose husband is a CEO and works all the time has made many connections with other SAHM's and I know it helps her so much to have other mothers to be with.

Good luck!

[Bens Momma]

I'm watching this thread closely as I have definitely BTDT and often feel the SAHM burnout! You need to concentrate on what a GREAT job you ARE doing as a Mom! The time you spend caring for and playing with DS is invaluable, that is what will matter most in his/your life, not whether the bed is made perfectly and the house is spotless. The hard part for me is that I feel our home is my "job" and sometimes not completing all that I want to get done or having it completely clean makes me feel like I'm failing at my "job." Try to remind yourself that studies have found that being a SAHM and raising any numbe rof DCs is like having 3 full time jobs!!! Can you imagine what your salary would be??
Anyway try to schedule some playdates, find a Mom's club, etc to give yourself the opportunity to socialize and be with other SAHMs. Also even if everything isn't done, use the time on Saturdays that DH watches DC for yourself not to catch up on housework. It's hard, but this is the only "me" time you have to yourself. Good luck and take it easy on yourself!!

HTH-
Momma to 2 DS

[SnuggleBuggles]

I second Beth's suggestion about cutting yourself some slack on the home schooling too. I think at this age the bext type of hs'ing would be to have lots of playdates for the social interaction. You can also just get out of the house and go to places like museums, zoos,... some will even have classes that you can take with ds (many allow younger siblings to attend too).

Can you sign ds up for some classes like swimming or gymnastics? While he was at class you could either just hang out with a good book and a cup of coffee or rn some quick errands. Great for both of you. :)

Beth

[pinkmomagain]

Is a weekly cleaning lady/crew a possibility....for the big stuff? This way you are only left with laundry, dishes, & occassional spot cleaning?

[JTsMom]

I'm with the others who said cut yourself some slack- it sound to me like you're doing great! So what if the house is a little (or even more than a little) messy a couple of days? When youre kids are grown and gone, you won't give a hoot about your messy living room, you know? When I get in that mode, I just try to focus on the living room and the kitchen. As long as those 2 are reasonably tidy, the rest isn't a big deal.

I also notice everything goes better the less we stay at home during the day. On the days we are gone, the house will stay clean, DS is in a better mood b/c he is busy and entertained, and I don't get cabin fever. Too many days at home in a row, and I start to feel miserable and overwhelmed. We do the park, library playdates, grocery shopping and other errands, the mall play area, B&N, our playgroup, etc.

The really hard DS part- I hear ya! Mine is super challenging at times, even without the diabetes issue. The best resource I have found for that was Raising Your Spirited Child. If you haven't read it yet, I highly recommend it. It helped me a lot. I also have noticed that diet (which I'm sure you could write a book about) and TV time are the two biggest triggers for my DS, so I really stay on top of those.

As for the burnout part, one thing DH and I have been doing is taking a few hours to ourselves, once every week. If you don't get some time to yourself, it's easy to burn-out. We're flexible about the day, but usually mine is Tuesday or Wed, and his is Sunday. I do things like scrapbooking, or sitting at Barnes and Noble and flipping through books- things that aren't expensive, so I don't feel guilty, but it gives me "me time". DH usually watches football at this cigar place he likes. I wait until after dinner, then all he has to do is put DS's jammies on, play for an hour, and get him to sleep. That's the time that makes the most sense for us, but clearly it wouldn't work for you, unless you got a sitter or something, but there's always Saturday morning or something.

Our rule is that you can't do anything involving work during your time- no catching up on cleaning, no shopping for necessities, etc.

It's just 3 or so hours, but you wouldn't believe what a difference it makes for all of us! We're both calmer, better parents b/c of it, it's good for our relationship, and makes us work as a team more, and it's great for DS and DH's relationship, b/c it gives them guaranteed alone time to do their father-son things.

Anyway, those are just some things that work for us- hope they spark some ideas. Hang in there, you are definitely not alone!

[TahliasMom]

I second playdates. at that age, socialization is important. also, would it be possible to send dc #1 to montessori type preschool 3 days in the morning? that would give you time with dc #2. also i would get a housecleaner to come in once a week and maybe even do those ready meals.
joining a gym with childcare would also be good. you can go when you just have one child that way you get your own time. also having a mommy helper.
can i ask why your dh works such crazy hours? is it something temp? is there anyway he can work from home? i understand making money is important but there's also quality of life and family to consider. i dont know the details, but you have to have a life and work balance. You are burned out but I'm sure your husband is there to.
hugs to you

[anamika]

I also notice everything goes better the less we stay at home during the day. On the days we are gone, the house will stay clean, DS is in a better mood b/c he is busy and entertained, and I don't get cabin fever. Too many days at home in a row, and I start to feel miserable and overwhelmed. :yeahthat:
Honestly, this is the only way I could get through the week. I would take her out to buy 2 postage stamps if it would get us out of the house. I had a very strict schedule for getting out - Mon - library sing-along, Tues - playgroup etc. I hate getting ready and heading out in the cold but I forced myself to do it b'cos staying at home was just a downward spiral. The more we stayed home, the less I felt like going out.
I think even grocery store trips can be counted as educational - learn to identify fruits, count etc (but really I have no clue about HSing so I could be wrong). DD goes to preschool 2 days a week now so I'm less overwhelmed.
But even with all this, come Friday, I'm beat. Friday all bets are off. I let her watch TV, eat snacks and basically just wait to hear the door latch in the evening!! :yay:My DH calls it the shift change - after Fri evening he's in charge!
You've gotten some great advice from PPs - just wanted to add that you're not alone. Also wanted to add that libraries, toystores and bookstores are great free resources for sing-alongs, story hours, play time etc. Museums and zoos are fantastic outlets too.

[lizajane]

is there a nursing school near you? my mom and dad live in the same town as a nursing school and it has a babysitters list. we used the list for my kids when we had to all go to a wedding together (which obviously meant my parents, my sister and my brother were all unavailable to babysit!). there might be someone in your area who is not only qualified to babysit, but who is also qualified to do the blood checks. even a community college might have a school for medical techs who would be trained in blood work.

another idea would be a mother's helper. a young person not old enough to babysit alone, but who could distract DS while you do some work in the kitchen, etc. she could sit on the floor and play games with numbers and letters and reinforce your homeschooling while freeing up your time a little.

my house is a disaster. so i feel your pain. your DH has much worse hours than mine and i feel sorry for ME. and i don't have medical challenges, just two wild boys. best of luck.

[mommyoftwo]

I just skimmed everyone else's answers so forgive me if I repeat something. I SO feel your pain on the rediculous hours your husband works and the SAHM burnout. Right now DH isn't even home (doing an away rotation for a month) but as a resident he is hardly ever home anyway. I'm a single mom most of the time. He gets 4 days off if he is lucky. Combine that with my chronic fatigue syndrome and I'm in a world of hurt most of the time. My house is messy much of the time. I just don't have the time and energy to pick up all the time. They get into so much trouble when I try to clean while they are awake that most of the housework has to bed done after they are in bed for the night. By that time, I'm exhausted. DH was gone for October and November and I knew that I couldn't make it two months straight without some help so I asked around and found someone to help me out with the house. I have to admit that I'm incredibly blessed to have found someone as amazing as she is. She is the mother of 5 kids (from 32-11) and the youngest has diabetes so she is very conscious of Linnea's health issues. She also knows we are struggling financially so she refusing to accept what she is worth. Somehow she manages to clean the entire house while allowing me to sleep or run errands while she keeps the girls. Amelia goes to preschool 3 mornings a week which gives me a break as well. I think you need to realize that you are trying to be supermom and no one can keep that up forever without getting totally burned out. Find someone to watch your kids in the house while you are there getting things done. Or find someone to clean the house while you are able to focus on the kids. Be more relaxed about homeschooling. Take trips to museums, zoos, etc for their educational value. It will get everyone out of the house, be fun, and be educational at the same time. Take them some place like McDonald's every once in a while and let them play. I don't let my kids eat there very often but I'll admit that last Sunday we ate there and the girls play for 5 hours. I was able to relax and they had a blast. By the time we came home, all I had to do was feed them dinner and put them to bed. It was a very nice break. Do you have any family nearby who can help you once in a while? I so understand what you are going through except that I'm always feeling like a horrible mother because the laundry isn't always done and the house isn't always clean and I don't have the energy to do all the enriching activities that I want to do with the girls. I am pretty sure we all struggle with similar feelings but are afraid to admit it because we think everyone else must have it all together and we are the oddball.

[niccig]

I hear you on the crazy work hours. DH can leave a little later in the morning, but he could walk in anytime - the latest has been 2am. It just depends what the deadline is and if the client requires the work. I admit that I'm not the best SAHM - I know some who love it and don't ever want to return to work. I love the time with DS, but the housework bites. This has been my strategy.

1. Something for me that is not related to the house etc. I have a babysitter for half a day and I used it to run errands, now I use that time to volunteer doing something that I enjoy. Yes, it means errands have to be done at another time, but I will not give up my volunteer time. Adult conversation doing something I enjoy and value. It's priceless.

2. DH has to help. Regardless of his hours, he has some responsibilities. If he's home for dinner he cleans up, he puts the laundry on as he leaves the house in the morning, and the garbage cans out for pick-up. He does do other things too, time permitting.

3. Housework is never done, so if that means that laundry folding stays for another day because DS and I are playing or I'm finishing something for my volunteer work, then so be it.

4. Have a quitting time. Once DS is asleep, I might fold laundry in front of the TV, clean up the kitchen if DH isn't home, and then before bed I'll do a quick 20 min pick up of the common living areas, so it's clean for the next day. But that's it. I'll do other things at night, like read or projects, but no cleaning.

5. Look into some quick cleaning - eg. cleaning wipes for the bathroom while DS is having a bath, shower daily spray so soap scum doesn't build up, I unstack the dishwasher in the morning and put dirty dishes in as use them, so at not it's only a few plates etc. I find 5 mins here and there do make a difference.

6. Have people over to visit - then the house gets a good once over and things put back.

HTH, and you're not alone with the burnout.

[hellokitty]

Jen,

I only briefly skimmed through everyone's posts. I am also a HSing mom, and I worry about burn out quite often. I have a 4 yr old and 2.5 yr old, both are very active and sometimes it can be very overwhelming. I know many HS moms that take one afternoon a wk off. They say that it is for their own well being. They hire a babysitter and then they go and do their own thing, get their hair done, meet some friends, go to the coffee shop, etc.. Just some, "me" time for them, kwim? For me, I am lucky in that my DH has crazy hrs, but many of his hrs are, "on call" hrs that he can do from home, so I can run out and get some me time if needed, although when he is on call, so am I, if he gets called in for an emergency, I have to drop everything and go home so he can go to work.

Also, as others said, going out helps tons. If you haven't worked out for a while, try to find a stroller exercise class. That is what I started doing six months ago and I love it. I was really intimidated at first, esp since I do not consider myself an athletic person, BUT it allows me to exercise and socialize while being able to bring my kids with me (and they get to socialize too).

A housekeeper that comes 2x a month can help tremendously too. Or if you do not want to hire a housekeeper, get a mother's helper to watch the kids while you clean the house. Weirdly enough, I sometimes find it therapeutic to clean, if it means my DH can watch the kids and I get some peace and quiet, lol. Also, I do housecleaning in little chunks. Yes, that means the house is not completely clean at any one given time, but one day I will dust, the next day I will vacuum, the next day I work on clutter, etc.. I basically keep it up enough, that my house looks ok (not brilliant), but then it's not a total disaster either.

Also, please check out www.momsclub.org . I love that group! Ours is a new group that is still growing, I am one of the VP's of the group and the moms that I have met have been so nice and supportive. We have at LEAST a wkly event, if not more a wk. These are all moms, just like you, many with kids under K aged, who are desperate to meet other moms and get out of the house. Don't be shy, groups like this were made for moms like us!

As for cooking, like other said, use the crock pot more often. Also, what I often like to do is cook double batches and freeze half the batch. That way I am cooking half as much as I normally would. On days, where things are too nuts, or I just do not feel up to cooking, I just pull out one of the pre-made freezer meals. This way, we save $ by not going out and the family eats a healthy meal (I like to cook most everything from scratch, so cooking can be time consuming). Also, don't be afraid to mix it up. Do breakfast for dinner, just for fun. Or just have sandwiches for dinner. The kids are young, they don't care. I also like to do, "leftover buffet" night. When I notice that we have a lot of leftovers, I won't cook dinner, instead we just have leftovers. Hey, it makes my life easier and I don't want to waste food. My DH and kids don't seem to mind, they are used to it.

Do you belong to a HS group? This is my biggest problem, I cannot find a secular HS group in my area. However, if you are christian, it should be very easy to find a HS group. You can find a lot of support and social activities through a HS group as well and a lot of HS moms have learned to become VERY efficient at what they do, b/c you if you aren't organized, you just won't cut it. So, it's always nice to pick their brains to see how they do things, and they are always so willing to share their ideas, lol.

Anyway, I want to give you a big :hug:. It's not easy to feel like you are a single parents the majority of the time. I think you are doing a great job and I think you need to cut yourself a break and not judge yourself so harshly.

PS- One other thing I wanted to point out is that it won't always be this hard. You have two very young children right now. You're probably thinking how am I going to keep up being a sahm and HS like this? However, as your kids become older and more independent, your role will change. It took me a long time to get past thinking that I would be forever stuck with a preschooler and toddler and wondering how I was going to continue HSing. Someone on a HS message board pointed out that when you have young children under age 5, they take up so much of your time an energy, you forget that it will not always be like this. So, I don't know if this helps you feel any better or not, but just wanted to give you some perspective that I have gotten from some other HS moms who have BTDT through this phase and their kids are older now.

[kijip]

Jen, I am not a SAHM but I like you a lot and wanted to give you a little :hug: . Frankly, my hat is off to you because after a weekend with Toby, I am pretty tapped out and ready for school/work to happen on Monday morning. Neither one of us works those long hours that your husband does, I don't know what I would do if he did. I don't have answers or solutions, but do tend to agree with Beth's advice here and wanted to let you know I support you. You are doing great, loads better than I would as a SAHM for sure. :cheerleader1:

[lisams]

I would suggest you look into places like Dream Dinners, My Girlfriend's Kitchen, etc. where you make several frozen meals ahead of time. They are a lifesaver here. You can make frozen meals for a pretty good price (about $10 for a small that will serve a family of 3-4 with small children). It is a time saver on so many levels. I don't have to spend as much time meal planning, less time shopping, less time cooking and preparing meals, less time cleaning up after the meal since you don't use as many dishes/utensils. All in all it's great and like I said, not that much more cost than a home-cooked-from-scratch meal. We do about 3-4 frozen meals a week.

I agree with the others about homeschooling the 4 year old. I wouldn't put too much stress into that, he'll be just fine without any formal lessons. I feel like it's a good day when I've read to DD for 15 minutes at bedtime and spent a little time with her doing a puzzle or coloring during the day. There are days where we have to skip storytime because our day was just so hectic but she's fine and she's learning to be flexible which is something really important too!

Hang in there, I think you're doing a wonderful job!

[daisymommy]

Jenn, big-hugs to you sister! I feel your pain :)
You have received lots of good advice already (much of it I'm going to try to put into effect around here as well). One thing I would suggest that you may find helpful is if you know you can survive alright until Wednesday, then maximize those days getting as much done around around the house as you can. Then come Thursday, call it an early extended weekend--and don't feel bad about it! If you feel like you put in your time Mon-Wed, the house won't fall apart for a few days if you don't tend to it (other than dishes perhaps). Let the kids watch too much Noggin, stay in your jammies all day long if it's easier, play at the park for hours and just forget about the world for those few days until your husband's help can arrive at the weekend. Pull dinners out of the freezer, and have a glass of wine and a bubble bath at the end of the day; you deserve it!

This has been the best thread ladies. We need to make this a good and long one, jam packed with great ideas. I wish there was a book on the subject! Please keep the good ideas coming!

[bisous]

Wow! I just barely got back on here to check in and I can't believe how many responses. I just started to read when my DS2 woke up from a nap. I think at least part of my burnout is stemming from dealing with two sick kids for the past 7 days and little relief EVER from caring from them. I'm really hoping that DS2 will actually go down tonight so I can have some "mommy" time on the boards!


Just the little bit that I was able to read made me choke up. Thank you for the love and support and especially the ideas! I may print this thread so that I can read it while I'm in the rocking chair, lol.

Jen