when to wonder about wedding thank-yous?

[MontrealMum]

At about Christmastime DH's best friend got very suddenly married (she is pregnant) and we attended the wedding.
We had to the bring the present to the wedding because they were super-busy, and so were we since it was Christmas and all, relatives visiting etc. (We had only 3 wks notice about the wedding). Normally I would never do that, but then my only experience is with couples who register, and have engagements of longer than 3 weeks.
I am wondering...how long is too long for thank yous? And, at what point do we discretely (as if there's a way to do that) ask if they ever received it? Any suggestions or similar experiences? I'm a little irked not to have received the thank you just because of my own standards concerning them, but also I am truly wondering whether they got the gift or not.

TIA

[vludmilla]

I would have sent off the thank you already because it is a pet peeve of mine too and I thinkt they are important. IME, however, many people take months to send thank you notes and since she is pregnant, she may be very tired and having a hard time getting to it. I would wait until later in the spring to ask, if at all.

[AngelaS]

Etiquette says she has up to a year to send thank yous.

[August Mom]

My BF was married in July and I received a thank you note the following June. She was taking the one-year thing seriously. ;) I don't think I'd inquire. Chances are she got the gift but just hasn't written the TY.

[wellyes]

I wouldn't inquire. Maybe she has post-wedding blues, that's pretty common: the wedding is so much planning and expectation and excitement. When reality sets in through the next couple of months, it can be stressful. I'm sure being pregnant would increase the risk of this.

We took maybe three months to send our thank-yous. I wanted to send them immediately, but was instant that my DH help, and he resisted. It became a low-simmering argument that lasted for weeks and weeks. I regret the argument, we were both a little childish. But it doesn't really bother me that people didn't get the thank-yous right away. To me, acknowledging the gift is a gracious gesture, not an immediate obligation.

[vludmilla]

My BF was married in July and I received a thank you note the following June. She was taking the one-year thing seriously. ;) I don't think I'd inquire. Chances are she got the gift but just hasn't written the TY.

Oh, yes. Apparently, etiquette rules indicate that guests have up to one year to give a gift too. I know this because one of my husbands friends actually took that long. He told us he couldn't he couldn't find anything unique enough. I'll give him that because we got a cool tibetan ringing bowl when he eventually gave the gift. If the guests have a year to give the gift, I'd think the couple has a year to give the thank you!

[pb&j]

IMO, receiving a thank-you shouldn't be a condition for giving a gift. I do write thank-you's for any gifts not opened in the presence of the giver, but when I give a gift, it's done. If I get a note, I'm pleasantly surprised. If you're genuinely concerned as to whether or not they received the gift, it wouldn't hurt to ask next time you saw them. But I wouldn't ding her for not writing a thank-you. In this day and age, even wonderful people fall short of etiquette standards.

[MontrealMum]

IMO, receiving a thank-you shouldn't be a condition for giving a gift.
Normally I would agree with that, and wouldn't give it a second thought. I send them promptly myself, but would not hold it against someone who did not. But, I usually buy off a registry so I am certain that the gift has been received.

[kijip]

Etiquette says she has up to a year to send thank yous.

I think you are confused with the standard that you have a year to give a gift after the wedding. Thank you notes should be written reasonably close to the time that the gift was received, with some leeway granted to anyone that is sick/pregnant/postpartum.

I give gifts without the expectation of getting a thank you, but I do find it rather rude to not thank people in writing. It has to do with graciousness and thinking of others, not merely following some arbitrary etiquette rule. It shows that you care about the person that gave the gift to write a note.

[khm]

I think you need to ask yourself a couple questions. ;)

If the wedding had been less over the top, rushed and during the hectic holidays, would you care as much about the Thank You?

If you adored her, would you care as much about the Thank You?

Do you REALLY simply want to verify that they got the gift? Or, do you also want to let her know - that you know she's being "tacky" in neglecting the Thank You Notes?

I'd probably just let it go, because if I were in your situation, I know my motivations would be a bit less than innocent, ya know?

Given they had a professionally-handled wedding, I'd think there was no snafu with the gifts. (I've heard the horror stories about a helpful relative removing all the cards from the boxes, so they bride/groom has no idea who gave what!)

If you were to ask, I'd have your husband ask the groom. Guys just don't have the same hang-ups and the groom probably wouldn't give it a second thought.

[kcandz]

I was in a similar situation - fancy wedding at a stellar hotel, no kids allowed, fine, and the registry was outrageous - 2 full sets of expensive china, all kinds of other stuff that I have *never* seen on many other registries. Super formal attire - the RSVPs where you have to write back instead of a response card - we skipped the wedding but sent a gift - probably a teaspoon off the registry since everything was so pricey. :) Three years later, still waiting for a thank you. This bride was completely full of herself, so of course she wouldn't think of others. Her attitude was as if she "deserved" all of that high class stuff, she doesn't need to bother being grateful.

Do you really care that she got the gift? What if she didn't? How would you track it down? Would you buy another? In my situation, I just vented with another friend invited to the same wedding and never got a thank you either, then let it go. And now I know when I see her at work functions she isn't as high-class as she puts on to be.

[HannaAddict]

Normally I would agree with that, and wouldn't give it a second thought. I send them promptly myself, but would not hold it against someone who did not. But, I usually buy off a registry so I am certain that the gift has been received.

In this case I find the bride to be quite pretentious so I'm having a little trouble with clarity on this. I won't go on and on, but the wedding was WAY over the top in terms of formality, especially given that we all had 3 weeks notice, at the height of the holiday season. So, I guess I expected a little more in terms of responsiveness, considering what she expected of all her guests. It helps to hear what others have to say since my feelings are really coloring my expectations right now.

I didn't know that it was acceptable to take a year for a thank-you though, so I guess I'll just have to wait. Unless anyone has any ideas on how to *politely* enquire as to the receipt of a gift?

There is no way to "politely" make them say thank you for the unrequested gift you insisted on bringing to the wedding. Etiquette actually dictates that you do not bring gifts to the ceremony/reception but rather have them sent to the happy couple so they don't have to deal with them. Cards can come off of gifts, we thanked one person for two place settings we thought were together and so someone at our wedding did not get a thank you. Stuff happens. It sounds like the couple is making a go of a less than perfect situation but taking responsibility and creating a family for a baby to come. I would relax and not worry about this, they are probably facing a lot and I don't sense the same level of venom directed at the older groom, who shares the responsibilities for thank you cards. Why is it the bride's problem, especially when they requested no gifts? Hosting a wedding and not asking for a thing aside from the pleasure of their guests company sounds like the exact opposite of pretentiousness. Heck, most people in this forum come to complain because they had to sit through crummy weddings after spending big bucks on a gift! Complaints from guests that the wedding was too nice just sound petty and like envy. I do hope they send thank you cards out since it is no fun to buy a gift and not be thanked. But it is still early, especially if they are dealing with starting a life together and prenatal stuff too. I also hope that they send thank you's for any baby presents they receive down the road.

[mamicka]

There is no way to "politely" make them say thank you for the unrequested gift you insisted on bringing to the wedding. Etiquette actually dictates that you do not bring gifts to the ceremony/reception but rather have them sent to the happy couple so they don't have to deal with them. Cards can come off of gifts, we thanked one person for two place settings we thought were together and so someone at our wedding did not get a thank you. Stuff happens. It sounds like the couple is making a go of a less than perfect situation but taking responsibility and creating a family for a baby to come. I would relax and not worry about this, they are probably facing a lot and I don't sense the same level of venom directed at the older groom, who shares the responsibilities for thank you cards. Why is it the bride's problem, especially when they requested no gifts? Hosting a wedding and not asking for a thing aside from the pleasure of their guests company sounds like the exact opposite of pretentiousness. Heck, most people in this forum come to complain because they had to sit through crummy weddings after spending big bucks on a gift! Complaints from guests that the wedding was too nice just sound petty and like envy. I do hope they send thank you cards out since it is no fun to buy a gift and not be thanked. But it is still early, especially if they are dealing with starting a life together and prenatal stuff too. I also hope that they send thank you's for any baby presents they receive down the road.


Exactly. She asked guests to not bring gifts. Maybe, among other reasons, she knew she wouldn't be able to write all the thank-you's in a timely fashion.

[KBecks]

It's a good point to think about whether you want to ask if they received your gift. Someone mentioned if you would replace it if it got lost, or can anything be done at this time if it was lost? (I would worry about whether the gift got forgotten wherever it was stored.) If you wouldn't replace it, and you don't particularly like the bride anyway, then who cares if they got the gift or not?

If you really want to know if they got the gift then ask. I did this once when I mailed a gift and I really did want to know it arrived safely and I had insured the mailing. (It did, and I didn't get a thank you note and that was perfectly OK with me.)

But in this situation, I'd drop it and move on.

[KBecks]

Etiquette actually dictates that you do not bring gifts to the ceremony/reception but rather have them sent to the happy couple so they don't have to deal with them.

Why is it the bride's problem, especially when they requested no gifts?


I have found sending the gift *before* the wedding has been a wonderful solution. It's easy, gets it out of the way, and a gift sent before the wedding usually gets a thank you because the couple is still so into wedding planning. I also think it's a fun and exciting surprise for them to get something before the wedding.

Also, the fact that no gifts was requested was a nice gesture of the couple. They may have been expecting people to dress nicely, but they clearly didn't want people to feel obligated to spend on gifts.

[Bean606]

My Etiquette book says 3 months to thank for a wedding gift and 1 year after the wedding to give one, but people always think they have a year to thank, which apparently, is incorrect. I think they should be sent immediately after you get home from the honeymoon, but I don't think anyone else agrees!

[MontrealMum]

[QUOTE=HannaAddict]

[kijip]

I understand how frustrating it is to see a gift go unacknowledged. I think though that your main trouble here is just not liking the bride. Some of my friends have married people I did not like and it is frustrating at times, especially if I am seeing a good friend mistreated. But it is of course an issue I have to accept that I can not change. We have taken to most often giving presents after the couple has been married for a little bit and just taking it to their house in person. It is a joy to toast them privately and is a more intimate time between friends. And you know then that it was received. The short notice is frustrating but they may have felt like they needed to do it before she was showing and they did not want to do it Christmas week itself. Try not to over think it too much- he is going to be a new dad and seems to have found a life partner. If you can't be happy about all of it, pick what you can be happy about and celebrate what you can.

As for age, we are 27 and 28 and just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary ;)

[MontrealMum]

Try not to over think it too much- he is going to be a new dad and seems to have found a life partner. If you can't be happy about all of it, pick what you can be happy about and celebrate what you can.



Thanks :) I am trying to let it go, but I am still b/f-ing and my thyroid is not completely regulated yet, so I still have trouble with that sort of thing, but it's getting better.