How often does your DC get their way?

[buddyleebaby]

On the "little" things?

DD1 wants to do everything herself- she wants to put on her on shoes and coat, she wants to unlock the door, she wants to turn the pages in the book, she wants to serve her own dinner. I know that is part of normal development.

90% of the time I let her and have no problem with it. However, the ten percent I say "Let mommy do it" results in tears, and sometimes a full blown tantrum, and of course those are precisely the times that tantrums are hard to deal with (which is also why I did not have time to wait for her to do whatever it was to begin with). I do stick by whatever I said originally so the tantrums don't get her anywhere.

I am wondering if her reaction is a result of me letting her do what she wants most of the time, or just the fact that she is two.

[pb&j]

She is two. Tantrums happen. :)

[Rayray24]

My dd is 4 and was like that, she now wants mom to do EVERYTHING! I would allow her to do almost everything on her own, but some times if we didn't have time I would brib her, I will dress you today and you can have a sucker. I know it's not the best parenting but when you don't have time for her to do it, or a break down it works well! She should grow out of it, just give her time and when you can let her do whatever she wants by herself. I use to undress my dd and then tell her a little later we had to go and she needed to get dressed, she loved the chance to dress herself and we really didn't have to go some place, so if she took 30 min. it was ok. Hope this helps..:D

[Bean606]

DS is 20 months and just starting with doing EVERYTHING "My-seff!" We try to allow enough time before a given event to account for the delay, but we only have one child, so it is easier to accommodate him. At his daycare, they are working on taking turns with toys, so when we need to get something done, I'll often play taking turns with him - I put on one sleeve of the jacket, and he does the other. I put on one shoe, he does the other (with help). We have two spoons/forks - I give him one spoonful of food, he does the other - it cuts down on the time factor somewhat, but it isn't perfect. Good luck!

[KBecks]

98% of the time.

[kijip]

It's her temprament and being 2. Tantrums are unavoidable. You have not caused them by letting her do things for herself etc. Unless you are giving in to the tantrums or holding her to unrealistic expectations, you are not causing them. I highly doubt you are doing either of those things Alicia!

My general rule has always been that Toby gets his way on the things that are not negatively impacting him or others. So for example, he can choose to wear his rain boots in the summer when he does not need them but can't choose to wear his flip flops in winter outside. I find that the more control I give him over the things that don't matter in the big picture (like mismatched socks or flavor of yogurt), the more authority he respects from me on the things that do matter (like cleaning up after himself, taking baths, getting his shoes on when it is time to go).

[egoldber]

It's her temprament and being 2. Tantrums are unavoidable.

Exactly. Some kids have lots of tantrums, some don't.

[niccig]

DS is 3yo and always wants to do things himself. I'll let him if we can. Sometimes, I have to help eg. He wants to pour milk into a cup, so I'll steady the milk container. So, I tell him that I have to help him, or if I need to do it all, I tell him that next time he can do it, or I let him choose something - eg. right arm or left arm first into the coat. I find, the more time I allow, the easier it is to get something done - not always possible, but I'm trying to give us more time.

[ShanaMama]

I haven't read the other responses yet but I just had a long discussion with DH about this tonight. I parent similar to you in that I let DD do what she wants as often as I can. I feel that it's important, however, for her to understand that we are her parents and for that reason have authority. So while I don't take a strong stand often, if I take a stand I will then stick to it. This doesn't refer to when things are too rushed or difficult to let her do. Then I just take over if needed and try my best to distract her from the tantrum without giving in to it. I think you handle it well.
One other point I try to remind myself often: If she's tired or hungry all bets are off. Gotta feed her or put her to sleep. Can't expect to teach a lesson when something else is directing her actions.

ETA: Now that I read the other responses I wanted to add that I use bribery A LOT. I prefer to call it incentives & positive reinforcement. ;) We just started star charts, which are working well. And I also try to offer choices even when I need to do it for her. "Do you want to get into the car right now or should Mommy put you in?"

[ShanaMama]

he can choose to wear his rain boots in the summer when he does not need them but can't choose to wear his flip flops in winter outside. I find that the more control I give him over the things that don't matter in the big picture (like mismatched socks or flavor of yogurt), the more authority he respects from me on the things that do matter (like cleaning up after himself, taking baths, getting his shoes on when it is time to go).

I agree with this. I assume that her teachers realize when she dresses herself. :D I usually aim that clothing should be reasonably in season and not completely clash. Boots in the summer= fine by me.

[brittone2]

It's her temprament and being 2. Tantrums are unavoidable. You have not caused them by letting her do things for herself etc. Unless you are giving in to the tantrums or holding her to unrealistic expectations, you are not causing them. I highly doubt you are doing either of those things Alicia!


ITA w/ this. Tantrums are a big fat overflow of huge emotions :) In and of themselves, they are totally normal. The problem comes in when you allow the tantrum to change your mind, and then "give in." But the tantrum itself is a pretty healthy and typical 2 year old way of getting big feelings out.

I also think it is important to choose your battles. If you don't allow them to do things by themselves (when you *do* have enough time, etc.) they don't learn as much or as quickly.

I'm a big believer of saying yes, or finding a way that it can be a yes, whenever possible. I have found that with DS, it helps him to know that if I can make it a yes I will. At the same time he also realizes that my nos or insistence upon things being a certain way (especially in matters of safety, etc.) are pretty solid and those boundaries are there for a reason. There are some non-negotiables in life and I save my times of digging in and being absolute for those whenever possible.

[Moneypenny]

I agree it's definitely the age. What I found helped DD is to explain why I say no the rare times I do say no. Now that she's 3.5, I've found she's a really good problem solver and will often come up with a solution I didn't think of so the answer can change to yes. (For example, last Saturday I was rushing for her to get herself ready so she could have a snack before swim class. She wanted to play and I said no because we needed time for a snack. She said she wasn't hungry yet and I could just put the snack in my purse and she could eat it after class while we were grocery shopping. It made perfect sense to me so I agreed with her plan.)

[dr mom]

I'm a big believer of saying yes, or finding a way that it can be a yes, whenever possible.

I agree that kids respond much better to yes than no - even if the results are the same. Example: DS wants a cookie. We are having dinner in 20 minutes and I do not want him to fill up junk food. Instead of "No, you can't have a cookie until after dinner" I'll tell him "YES, you can have a cookie after dinner!" He may pout a little because he "wants it noooowwww and can't waaaiiitttt" but he accepts it much more gracefully than an outright no.

We had tantrums at age two as well...and at three! DS is a real do-it-yourselfer, and he is a stickler for routine. Heaven forbid I bring in the newspaper myself or pick out his clothes or help put his shoes on. He wants to do it himself, his way, in his own time. 95% of the time, I can accommodate him, or if I have to take over, I can find a way to give him some control in the form of a choice: "you need warm pants today because it is snowing, so instead of the shorts you picked out, would you like to wear your red or blue pants?"

[tmarie]

I'm so glad you posted this tread! My dd is just over 2.5 and we are dealing with these issues daily. She wants to do everything herself and I am always wondering where to draw the line. On the times when we are in a rush and "I" need to be the one to put her shirt on, etc..., she often melts down. I'm pregnant so my patience is not at its best...I end up giving in a lot. Sigh. It sounds like you are handling it really well. :)

tmarie
dd#1 5/05
dd#2 7/08

[supercalifragilous]

I remember this talk from Love & Logic. They said to give your child choices in everyday mundane things to let them feel in control (i.e., Do you want to turn out the light/shut the door/turn it on or me to do it? Do you want blueberry or strawberry jam?). But the catch is the parent is always in control of the question/choices given and should be OK with either answer. The whole point is the child gets to choose.

When the child feels that their choices are respected, then when it's your turn as the parent, you can expect the same. I took this with a grain of salt, though, b/c I don't feel that my child should ever feel my "equal" in decision-making; I have to remain the authority figure. But I do agree that the child should feel respected by their parent.

Now we're dealing with DD stalling and questioning my decisions, but that's a whole different story...

I'm OK with the L&L way of the parent presenting the choices and letting the kid decide to feel independent in a behind-the-scenes-parent-controlled way. But there's a really fine line between letting a child make controlled decisions and totally independent decisions. If they become too used to being the authority figure on everything in their lives, of course they're not going to want to relinquish control; it sometimes diminishes your own authority and is hard to reclaim.

That said, it really depends on the child's temperament and developmental age. I started reading & watching Love & Logic when DD was about 2. The technique worked well for her and I could tell that she appreciated Mommy giving her choices and SHE had the power to decide. She knew that when Mommy didn't present a choice, it was b/c it was Mommy's decision to make and she respected that. If there was any other instance, she could ask me about it and it was Mommy's perogative to give her a choice. When it comes down to it, it's a parent-controlled independence.