I don't fit in....

[bisous]

I'm sad. :( My IRL friends have started a "playgroup" where they exchange kids for each day of the week. All of my really good friends have formed this group and nobody invited me. I wouldn't be able to participate anyway (because I couldn't leave DS without training someone to watch him) but I wish I would have been asked anyway. My SIL who is probably my "best friend" locally is in the group and was evasive about mentioning it. I'm sure she didn't want to hurt my feelings. :(

The message board that deals with my DS' condition doesn't really "feel" right for me either. People are very educated and usually supportive but I just feel so differently about my DS' condition than they do.

I don't know anyone IRL with a child with Type 1.

I feel very alone.

[ellies mom]

Can you find resources through your doctor or hospital? The diabetes educator may know of a local group or might be able to help you set one up if you wanted.

I'm sure your friends didn't mean to hurt your feelings, they probably knew you wouldn't be able to and just didn't want to put you in a tight spot.

[ha98ed14]

Honey, I hear you. I really do. I know what it feels like to not fit in, and the fact that they excluded you sucks, big time. You have every right to feel hurt. I espeically understand the SIL hurt. While mine isn't my BFF, she is in the circle of moms I know who hang out for coffee on Thursday nights (without kiddos) and have Wed morning play group. And I don't fit in with them either. But it is more me than my DD. But anyway, this is about you! Sorry.

It sucks when the people who love us let us down. And these people did. The best thing you can do is try to forgive them and move on. That doesn't mean you should call them if you don't feel like it. But don't nurse the hurt. It will only end up hurting you in the long run. Trust me, I know.

I want you to know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I was feeling that way about a lot of things in my life, mainly wanting my career back, and a couple moms on here made me realize that I wasn't. You just have to find the folks that are struggling with the same thing you are, but I know that is hard to do. Heck, I only found people on this board. I have not met anyone IRL who understands my struggle.

I don't have a DC with Type 1. But I do care that there is a mom who feels alone, because I do know what that feels like. I'm sending you positive mom energy and prayers for some new IRL friends.

{{[[((<<HUGS>>))]]}}

[s7714]

First off, I have to say I do feel your pain. I very much feel the "I don't fit in" pang of jealousy when moms who I am friends with do things without me.

Now, on the other hand, I've been sitting here for over an hour now trying to come up with a way to say what I have to say without horribly offending you or reducing you to a pile of tears. I know I should probably just hit the delete key, but I'd like to be honest with you about my thoughts when I read your post. Actually all your posts, as I frequently read them but don't always comment... It's quite apparent from reading all your posts that your son is the center of your universe because of your love for him and the issues involving his condition. You obviously feel very passionately about making his world the best place possible for him and it hurts you very deeply when things aren't working positively concerning his world. That said, I honestly have to wonder if perhaps so much of your focus is on protecting/caring for him that you have either lost some of your personal self or that your need to constantly be there for him is inadvertently pushing people away?

For example, you said you couldn't leave your DS without training someone to watch him, which is a valid point, but is it because you don't think people would be able/willing to be trained or is it that you wouldn't trust anyone enough to leave him in their care even if they were trained? If it's the latter of the two, then my guess would be that your friends have picked up on that and know that even if they did invite you, you wouldn't deem them worthy of taking care of your wonderful little guy. So even though you feel slighted that they didn't invite you, perhaps they also feel pushed away because you won't allow them to assist you?

And what is it that is different about the way you feel about your son's condition vs. what the other members of that message board feel? Is it just that you feel he needs different care or treatment? Or do they seem to down play the condition more than you think they should?

I know from personal experience it's tough having a condition that people don't understand or have experience with. But I've come to realize that sometimes people get so caught up in dealing with a medical condition that they often forget to take a step back and focus on life vs. that condition. My DD has the same fragile bones I do. I always, always have a little voice in the back of my head saying "what if my DD falls and breaks something.." "what if she breaks something and they move her w/o splinting..." BUT, I know I have to let my DD live her life and I have to let other people care for her. If I kept her by my side to constantly to try to keep her from ever breaking a bone I'd only succeed in prolonging the inevitable. I can't only focus on her when I have my younger DD, my DH, my life and me to take care of as well. I know there will never be anyone else out there who will watch over her like I do. I know there will be situations that I simply can not control and she may get hurt, even seriously, but I have to accept that.

I guess the point of this whole long winded spiel, is that throughout so many of your posts I see the underlying theme that you're immersed in your own little world trying to fight for everything to be perfect for your son. That's commendable. But I also feel like you're crying for help in a lot of the posts. When I read them I get the sense that you feel like you're drowning and aren't sure how to come up for air. I honestly think you need to take a step back. Refocus on your life as a whole. Refocus on the fact there are other people out there that are able to help care for your son. Sure they may not take as wonderful care of him as you do, but the fact of the matter is there are people out there, but you have to let them do the best they can.

As for finding people who are in similar shoes as you, have faith that they are out there. Is there a national registry or website of any kind for your sons condition? Often those have regional groups. Are there any Yahoo groups relating to juv. type 1 that you belong too? You could also try putting ads in local newspapers or on hospital/doctor's office bulletins boards seeking contact from those who have children with it.

Anyway, now that I've probably thoroughly pissed you off and will be spun through the ringers of hell for posting my thoughts... I hope you understand I'm just trying to offer an outside point of view. I do not mean to offend or hurt, only to help. :hug:

[janeybwild]

Anyway, now that I've probably thoroughly pissed you off and will be spun through the ringers of hell for posting my thoughts... I hope you understand I'm just trying to offer an outside point of view. I do not mean to offend or hurt, only to help. :hug:

Jenn, that was a lovely post. No ones burning in hell for that. it was thoughtful and heartfelt. I think you raise some interesting points for the OP to honestly consider. She may be mad, but that's what good advice does for you sometimes. I can't believe she would be hurt by such a thoughtful response especially from someone who comes from a similar, although not the same, position.

To the OP, huge :hug:. Is this something you could ask your SIL about? Not from an accusing point of veiw, but an "I'd honestly like to know what sort of vibe I send off that I'm not included in things like this". You may be surpised at her answer.

[gatorsmom]

Anyway, now that I've probably thoroughly pissed you off and will be spun through the ringers of hell for posting my thoughts... I hope you understand I'm just trying to offer an outside point of view. I do not mean to offend or hurt, only to help. :hug:

I think you did a very nice job of saying something that applies to ALL of us mommies. No matter WHAT is the unique situation with any of our children, we should all take a serious look at how much push people away for fear that they can't do something as well as we can. Well, NObody can be as good a mommy as we are to our children. But it's important for our children and ourselves to let people into our lives who want to and can help.

Bisous, as far as feeling left out, I know exactly how you feel. It really hurts. Please vent to us because WE ARE HERE FOR YOU.

[bisous]

Hey guys! Thanks for weighing in. I already felt a little better after posting which is why I always seem to come here. :)

I do need to find a group IRL so I'm just trying to work through networking. I know a few adults with Type 1 but no kids. Maybe that will change and that will be nice.

I don't really think that my friends tried to exclude me but who knows. I'm usually pretty thick-skinned and I do think that my son's care is the primary reason for the snub but I'm very sensitive right now, you know?

Jenn, s7714, no offense at all. I think you are absolutely right. I am totally hyperfocused on my DS and it is throwing my whole life out of whack. I seriously need a hobby or something. My mom even commented to me that since I graduated last May that I've been only concerned with the kids and I need to get some kind of perspective change. Your comments don't offend me in the slightest. I hope that from them I can regain my balance.

As to the online community? Maybe I'm just not committed enough there. I post but get no replies as I'm not "known" yet. Also, if you think I'm overly concerned with my DS' condition you should check them out! I'm kind of looking for a place to talk with people whose children happen to have a condition but not that the condition controls their whole lives. Ironic, huh?

Sorry for the long post. I really appreciate the comments and now feel guilty for being so whiny. It just gets tough sometimes. I actually feel like the BBB is the one place where maybe I DO fit in so it is nice to come here and feel safe.

Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. :)

[tylersmama]

First, major :hug: for bisous. That's got to be tough, and I don't really have any advice, just wanted to send you some support.

Jenn, I think your post was wonderfully written and a great reminder for all of us. I have a good friend who has kind of removed herself from our group of friends and I'm so, so worried about her. Her DD is a little "spirited", as they say and she's chosen to deal with it by not taking her anywhere where there might be a scene. Even though I really believe that the "scenes" that are happening are anywhere near as bad as my friend thinks they are (I know, it's always seems worse than it is when it's you and your DC). My friend has suspended her membership at the Y because her DD was having fits in the childcare. She dropped out of two classes that the rest of our group was taking. She has basically holed up in her house with her DD. I have told her that it's not healthy for *her* to become a hermit. She needs to do things for herself and get out of the house, or I'm really worried that she will slip into depression. A happy, mentally healthy mommy is a much better mommy!

[s7714]

Hey guys! Thanks for weighing in. I already felt a little better after posting which is why I always seem to come here. :)

I do need to find a group IRL so I'm just trying to work through networking. I know a few adults with Type 1 but no kids. Maybe that will change and that will be nice.

I don't really think that my friends tried to exclude me but who knows. I'm usually pretty thick-skinned and I do think that my son's care is the primary reason for the snub but I'm very sensitive right now, you know?

Jenn, s7714, no offense at all. I think you are absolutely right. I am totally hyperfocused on my DS and it is throwing my whole life out of whack. I seriously need a hobby or something. My mom even commented to me that since I graduated last May that I've been only concerned with the kids and I need to get some kind of perspective change. Your comments don't offend me in the slightest. I hope that from them I can regain my balance.

As to the online community? Maybe I'm just not committed enough there. I post but get no replies as I'm not "known" yet. Also, if you think I'm overly concerned with my DS' condition you should check them out! I'm kind of looking for a place to talk with people whose children happen to have a condition but not that the condition controls their whole lives. Ironic, huh?

Sorry for the long post. I really appreciate the comments and now feel guilty for being so whiny. It just gets tough sometimes. I actually feel like the BBB is the one place where maybe I DO fit in so it is nice to come here and feel safe.

Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. :)

I'm so glad I didn't offend you. I guess I just felt the need to say something because at one point not so long ago I felt similarly. Finally I had to take a step back and say enough. It was only then that I started feeling like I was getting control of my life back.

FWIW, I've found sometimes the people who understand the most about what I'm going through are simply those in similar situations, not necessarily the exact same. I don't believe in giving my DD the meds that many doctors think she should be on (for a variety of reasons too lengthy to go into). Most of the people I know IRL and online with our condition lean towards medicating, so you guessed it, I don't really feel like I fit in in some of those groups. However, I discovered when I sat down and talked with a couple mom's of kids with ADD/ADHD I know, they totally understood because they could relate with that aspect. So maybe looking for outlets pertaining to pieces of the puzzle can help you feel better about the whole picture, iykwim.

And please don't feel guilty about telling us about what life has presented you. That's the beauty of the BBB. We're a thousand open ears willing to hear your troubles. Granted the mouths connected to those ears may not always say what you want to hear ;), but at the very least we can try to support each other.

[MamaMolly]

Hugs Bisus,
And thank you for your timely post and Jenn's timely reply. I can't tell you how badly I needed to read both.
DD has some issues and DH recently admitted to me that he thinks I'm a little overworked about it, over focused. I'm too worried about leaving DD alone with anyone that I can't bring myself to get a sitter. :(
Anyway, thanks for the food for thought. It was a much needed meal!
Hugs to all,

[elephantmeg]

I'm surprised that there isn't a local hospital that has a support group for kids with diabetes. I work at a very small (primary) hospital that has one. I think I would talk with your ped and ask if there are other type 1 diabetics in the practice and if they would be willing to help facilitate starting a group, and maybe do the same with any other practices in the area or through the diabetes educator in the hospital. I know a lot of moms with kids who are for one reason or another chronically ill and from what I can tell they all feel the same way. It's hard to leave them anywhere because of the need to have a highly regimented day but at the same time the parents are burning out. Hugs to you and your DS!

[Fairy]

Bisous, I'm late to this thread, but I want to tell you that you DO fit in here. All respectful mothers and fathers ... and grandparents and aunts and caregivers ... are welcome here and fit in if they want to fit in. You most certainly do fit in. There's alot of support on this board, and I am just so sorry that you don't feel like you're getting that with the folks that appear to have left you out of the playgroup. I think Jenn's post was very well done, and I like the idea of calling a local hospital for a support network, as well.

I am incapable of letting things fester, so if it were me, I'd tell my SIL and/or any close friends in this group point blank -- kindly, but clearly -- how I feel about being left out and if there was a reason, would you please share it with me, because I need to understand, even if I don't like the reason.

But that's just me. I hope you find some resolution.

-- Fairy