Men! Again!

[tnrnchick74]

Ok, I have alluded to the drama with me and the boyfriend/baby's father. Well he has NOW decided (that I am 26 weeks pregnant) that he's NOT moving here and doesn't want an "active" role in raising him...AND he's alluded that he's considering petitioning for custody because our baby would have a "more stable life in NC closer to HIS parents". I told him to bring it on if that's what he wants...not that I think he has a chance at hell in getting custody!

AAAUUUUGGGHHHH

So I live kinda close to my Mom; I make decent $$..but the entire childcare issue as well as fighting him in court regarding child support, etc just has me really depressed. In the end us not being together will be better for the baby because HE'S CRAZY!!! I'm just tired of the drama.

I'm going to call our hospital's Employee Assistance Program on Monday and get an appointment to talk to someone.

[almostsane]

Where I live, you can go to DHR (Department of Human Resources) to get help with a lawyer, child support, and daycare. There are numerous income-based daycares in my area. They are good people, certified by the state, and have children attending that are not on the income-based plan. Hugs go out to you. I hope that you can find a solution/resolution soon.:hug:

[tarabenet]

Wait: he doesn't want an active role in the baby's life *and* he may want custody? Start documenting every contact you have with him. I just have a feeling there will come a day whn a good diary of all this stuff will be invaluable to you and your attorney. I hope I'm wrong, though. And, oh yeah: talk to an attorney. ASAP. Better to be armed with more info than you need than to wish you'd known to do XYZ sooner.

Good luck.

An poop on him for making this a diffcult time for you.

[tnrnchick74]

I will be seeing an attorney very soon. I doubt he will try to get custody, but he's trying to keep me upset. I have kept logs of every text message, every IM, every phone call, every email for the past few months as things were going downhill.

HE doesn't want to raise this baby but he doesn't want ME to either! Kinda funny...what a moron!

That's ok, I will do what needs to be done for the baby and be the best Mommy I can be. Maybe, one day, some REAL man will come along...if not, that's ok too.

My dilema now...I was going to do the nursery in "firefighter" themed stuff because "father" is a FF and that's what he wanted. Now I'm not sure that I want to look at FF stuff everyday and be reminded of him. The FF toys & clothing are ok...but an entire nursery decorated like that? What do you think? The bedding was a gift from my Mom - can be returned without offending her.

[trales]

I am sorry you have to go through this. I have a couple comments.

Get a good attorney who specializes in Family Law. As much as it sucks, you will have to deal with him for the next 18 years and he will owe you money.

See a counselor, as much as you think you can deal with the emotion of having a baby, being a single parent, fighting a custody battle, dealing with someone who likes to push you buttons, etc, there are things that you will need to talk about that you may feel more comfortable with a therapist than your family. After you have the baby, hormones and emotions will be running high, and it is better to have a lot of support in place than to find yourself needing it.

Good luck, remember, we are always here to listen.

[vludmilla]

\
My dilema now...I was going to do the nursery in "firefighter" themed stuff because "father" is a FF and that's what he wanted. Now I'm not sure that I want to look at FF stuff everyday and be reminded of him. The FF toys & clothing are ok...but an entire nursery decorated like that? What do you think? The bedding was a gift from my Mom - can be returned without offending her.

Yes, I'd return it. There is no reason to have a FF themed nursery anymore.

I also second the advice to see a good counselor, you will need strength, insight, and a strong sense of self to deal with all of the deficits in your son's father and remain a good mom to your son. He will need you to be balanced about his father, even when his father acts like an ***hole.

[tylersmama]

:hug::hug::hug:

That sucks that he's being such a jerk. Believe me, I have some experience with that, although STBX is being pretty decent as far as DS and child/spousal support goes. It's still not cool to have a child with someone and then decide that oops, that's not the life that you wanted. No real advice at the moment, just some support from one single mama to another.

:hug::hug::hug:

[kijip]

:hug: :hug:

Sounds like it is for the best.

Talk to a lawyer straight away. When the baby is born, get a custody order put into place. You need to cover your bases to protect yourself and your child from his dramarama. Don't leave it to chance.

You will be a great mama, and you won't have to worry about if your son will be allowed to play with dolls. :jammin:

Again, hugs. Take care of yourself.

[lizajane]

you wouldn't happen to live in VA, would you? my sister is a family law attorney in VA. i could send you her email. she also just had a baby this past summer, so she can totally relate to motherhood and the feelings that come with it.

[Melanie]

I'm sorry. You should very strong and I think you and baby will do great!

And yes, I'd dump the fire fighter theme. You don't need to stare at that at 3 am while you're rocking baby. Find something that will make you happy to see it!

[tnrnchick74]

Thanks everyone. He's definitely going through some sort of midlife crisis and having a baby at age 46 doesn't help.

I'm focusing on me, and my baby. And I decided to keep the ff bedding because *I* do really like it. I just had to really evaluate whether I wanted it, or whether it was JUST for him.

I did go and do some shopping today with my income tax return $$...things for ME and it felt REALLY good!

[schums]

Wait -- he's 46 and is acting like this???! I thought he was in his early 20's and was freaked out. Wow. Really time to grow up. You and the baby are WAY better off without him right now!

[tnrnchick74]

Wait -- he's 46 and is acting like this???! I thought he was in his early 20's and was freaked out. Wow. Really time to grow up. You and the baby are WAY better off without him right now!

Yep 46. And I'm 33. Kinda sad.

[maestramommy]

Yep 46. And I'm 33. Kinda sad.

:hug: You WILL be okay, you and your baby.

[ShanaMama]

See a counselor, as much as you think you can deal with the emotion of having a baby, being a single parent, fighting a custody battle, dealing with someone who likes to push you buttons, etc, there are things that you will need to talk about that you may feel more comfortable with a therapist than your family. After you have the baby, hormones and emotions will be running high, and it is better to have a lot of support in place than to find yourself needing it.

This is a very good point, ITA.
I'm sorry he's being such a jerk. From some of your previous posts it sounded like you pretty much saw this coming. Sounds like he really has some growing up to do (at 43!!) and your son might be better off without his father actively involved. You are already an excellent mom- just remember that you need to take care of yourself too. We're always here for you to vent.

[dcmom2b3]

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I had similar experiences, so I know all about the emotional roller coaster that his behavior puts you on.
As for advice, PLEASE, get a lawyer now, as others have recommended. He or she will be able to give you the skinny on the issues that BF is throwing around (custody, etc) and hopefully come up with a plan of action that works for you and your Bean.

Putting on my cynical hat here: If he continues to bother you then please consider getting a restraining order against him. His violation of any such order might have an impact on custody issues later down the road. I'm not saying that you should set him up, but you need to talk to a Florida lawyer. You deserve peace, and as a pregnant woman you REALLY deserve peace. See what a lawyer can do with his behavior. I can't say anything more on this.

Looking forward: under NO circumstances should you identify him as the child's father on the birth certificate. If you leave that blank, the issue of (legal) paternity will be in his court; he'll have to step up, and in doing so, make himself known to the child support authorities. Just think of yourself as a turtle -- now's the time to duck into your shell.

Big hug and all the well wishes in the world,

Mary-Helen

[JillSP]

Based on your description of what he has said--doesn't want to be involved but wants custody so he can provide a more stable life for the child near his parents--my bet is that it is his parents, not him, who would be driving a custody fight.

I worked for an appellate for years and not infrequently would see cases where it was clear that the parent "fighting" for custody was really a front for the grandparents who wanted their grandchild.

Just something to consider. And, in addition to getting a lawyer, do keep a record of exactly what he says to you regarding his intentions. Even better, ask him to communicate with you via letter or email so you have a written record in his words.

Finally, remember that even if he doesn't want to "be involved" in his child's life unless he gets custody, he is still responsible for child support. You don't get to "opt out" of your financial responsibility just because now isn't a good time to have a child.

Good luck.

[tnrnchick74]

Well maybe he is growing up a little. He said all those things just t oget me upset and to "win" a fight. I guess the good thing is that he's realizing some of these things himself...he also realized how he's taken out his anger over his ex wife's alcholism out on me. He has voiced how he wants to be a part of our lives and try to make our relationship work. I have been very clear with him that he needs to seek counseling & Alanon and get his issues from his divorce dealt with before we can have a healthy relationship. He agrees and has gone to an Alanon meeting already. Maybe there is hope...but my main priority is having a good, stress-free rest of the pregnancy!