Infertility Pity Party

[BeachBum]

Well I'm having a pity party today. I even baked cookies and everything. :)

We've been trying to get pregnant for a year + and recently started seeing a RE. This past month we did Clomid and IUI (artificial insemination). I started spotting and had a negative HPT. I know my period is on its way.

It is just such a let down. I really want another child. DH and I both hear the clock ticking. The emotional roller coaster is just so hard. Early in the cycle I'm just so full of anticipation and excitement and daydreaming about "what if" and how happy I will be....Then there are days like today, where I can't stop thinking about how to be happy if we don't get another. How long should we keep trying? What types of treatment should we try? How much money can we spend? (No insurance coverage) My mind is just working overtime....

I'm just a big ball of emotion. I guess I'll go eat another cookie....

[HIU8]

I did IUI for DS and DD. DS suprisingly took only 2 tries without clomid. DD took 5 tries with clomid and injectibles. Hang in there. It may take a few tries but it can happen.

Your RE will guide you as to whether to get more invasive than the IUI. DH and I were all set to start IVF if try 5 or 6 didn't work (at the recommendation of our RE).

Now I would like to start trying for DC#3, but the expense is an issue as is our ages. I feel lucky to have been able to have DS and DD as it is.

HTH

[tnrnchick74]

HUGS! The emotional rollercoaster is normal. I did infertility treatments for 5 years and 2 years of IVF with NO success. I got pregnant naturally, not trying. I don't say that to make you feel bad. It was a miracle.

But what you are experiencing is completely normal. Infertility SUCKS. ITs ok to feel WHATEVER you feel. I used to get SO angry after each negative HCG beta. And those stupid nurses who call to tell you...once again...that you are not pregnant. Don't EVEN get me started!

It took me over 2 years to come to terms with the "fact" that I was never going to have my own, biological child. Hearing those words from the RE was the HARDEST thing I have ever experienced. I resented my sister-in-laws who had NO problem getting pregnant WHENEVER they wanted...then called me to complain about EVERY pregnancy symptom.

So bake and eat those cookies! Have a glass of wine (if that's your thing), do something NICE for yourself. Its ok to feel however you feel...do NOT feel guilty about whatever emotions you feel.

[bethie_73]

It hurts. It took DH an I a long time, multiple rounds of Clomid, then Clomid and IUI then inj and IUI. DH and I were finally successful, and have a beautiful boy. That said we are only having 1. I can't get back on that roller coaster again. Its really hard, and it really sucks.

Eat your cookies and have a relaxing night. Sometimes it takes a while, and the financial stress doesn't help, I know there is not anything I can say to truly make you feel better, but HUGS.

[JTsMom]

:hug: Cookies always help.

[elephantmeg]

just sending hugs. My MIL tells me that the reason DH loves red velvet cakes so much is she made one a month when AF showed up (I think it took her a year to get pregnant for the second time-she had no problems the first time). Hoping for you that your wishes come true soon!

[hellokitty]

{{{HUGS}}} I was lucky that clomid and progesterone worked for me w/o having to get into IUI and IVF. However, I had issues with multiple m/c due to LPD. It took two yrs of ttc for me to get pregnant with my first, and then we were so freaked out that it would take another 2 yrs to get pg again we started to ttc again when baby #1 was less than a yr old and got pg w/o any help and on the first cycle. Go figure. If I would have known it could happen that quickly, I wouldn't have spaced my kids that closely.

Going through infertility problems sucks. I was very depressed during that period of my life, and did a lot of crying and felt a lot of anger. The worst part is that when you go through infertility, it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant and then you run into annoying ppl who give you stupid and annoying advice (who of course never went through infertility) and fertile myrtles who insist on giggling and telling you that their BF or DH take one look at them and they get pg. I swear I was ready to start punching ppl in the face who told me to, "relax and you'll get pregnant" or "adopt and you'll get pregnant, that ALWAYS happens." I really hope that you get that + soon. I also think that your feelings are completely normal and there are many of us here who have been through infertility who understand what you are going through. It's hard to hang in there. I was part of a small group of women who found one another on a m/c support board and we eventually branched off and began our own, smaller support group online. Those women helped me so much through those rough days of ttc, testing, etc.. We even met up for a girls wknd together IRL, and it was great. If you can find a support group online with other ladies going through the same thing, it helps tremendously. I find that ppl who have not been infertility just do not understand what it is like and even though they don't intend to do it, they often end up making you feel worse or end up being very annoying if you try to talk to them about your infertility issues.

[tnrnchick74]

I find that ppl who have not been infertility just do not understand what it is like and even though they don't intend to do it, they often end up making you feel worse or end up being very annoying if you try to talk to them about your infertility issues.

I TOTALLY agree! People who had no problem getting pregnant, realy and truly mean well...but they don't get the frustration, anger, jealousy, and depression that occurs...that is normal to feel. Support groups are a god-send.

[lizajane]

i do not have a BTDT story to share, but i am very, very sorry you are having such a rough time with such a great challenge. i wish you the best of luck and will offer my prayers. :hug:

[ShanaMama]

I haven't BTDT but I feel for you. It must be hard in a way to be on here where so many women are pregnant and don't stop talking about it (myself included). :hug: Hope things start looking up soon.

[sarahsthreads]

I have BTDT. DD#1 was three years of trying, tests, REs, etc. DD#2 is on the way, and is the result of our first Clomid/IUI cycle after about a year of trying on our own. We were shocked that it happened so quickly the second time, but I agree that the roller coaster sucks.

I honestly think infertility is worse the second time around. You know what you're missing if it never works. Plus, I felt like I was failing DD in a way too every month, because I wasn't able to give her a sibling.

On days like you're having today, I listed all the positives I could think of to having just one child - and I found that there were many.

Cookies, though, sound like another good way to handle it. ;) I hope you're feeling better soon.

Sarah

[elizabethkott]

No BTDT.
But ((((hugs))))
And I am questioning your choice of baked goods.
Don't you know by now that I recommend a minimum of two cupcakes in remotely dire situations?
This requires at LEAST five.

[MamaMolly]

Oooh, can I come to your pity party? I'll bring some brownies. Really good homemade brownies! With marshmallow filling between the brownie and the frosting.
It took us 8 years of testing and specialists to find someone who knew what they were doing to get DD. Part of our problem was that we move a lot, part of the problem was that the Drs were stupid and insisted on starting from scratch over and over and over again.
One DOCTOR actually told me to relax!!!! Hate to tell him this, but me relaxing has NOTHING to do with DHs sperm count!!!!
I get sooo angry at the drama and trauma we went through so needlessly. DD was worth it, but still...
Anyway, super big hugs coming your way. I know how it is and it stinks, stinks, stinks. :hug:
Now DH wants to try 'the old fashioned way'. So we are and have been since DD was about 9 months old, but I recently put my foot down and told him I'm going to a specialist in May if his way doesn't work before then.
Cookies are a really good idea at a pity party. And I'm having a gin and tonic with my cookies, because when I was preggo and breast feeding DD I couldn't, and it is NO FUN to go two years without gin and tonic. With lime.
Big hugs, honey bunny!

[kijip]

:hug: from someone that has been there. It is really hard. It is sadness and anger and worry all rolled into a big ball. Please take care of yourself and each other. Your family can get through this.

[tarabenet]

Infertility does suck. It is a horrible rollercoaster, and I'm very sorry you are on it.

I in no way belittle or write off your frustration, anguish, worry and all the myriad other sufferings at all -- they are serious and painful and no one deserves to be in the middle of this grief. You are wise to find the little things that help you keep going through the hard days. Enjoy your cookies. And go play with the beautiful baby that you do have, and keep dreaming of the day you give her a sibling. But if anyone actually thinks it is worse the second time around, I'll be happy to trade places. There is no "worse" with infertility. There is no "better" either. It just all sucks. I hope your ride on this rollercoaster ends with absolutely wonderful news very soon. Very soon. Hugs.

[kijip]

There is no "worse" with infertility. There is no "better" either. It just all sucks.

This is it exactly.

I got so tired of the implication that having 1 child already made it hurt less which is a common misconception about SIF. But conversely, primary infertility and the dumb stuff people say is no better. Sucks all the way around.

[sarahsthreads]

There is no "worse" with infertility. There is no "better" either. It just all sucks.

You're right, you know, and I wasn't thinking when I posted last night. For me
*personally* the emotional roller coaster was worse the second time, but it was just awful all the way around. (Where's the foot-in-mouth smiley?)

No matter what, infertility sucks.

Sarah

[erosenst]

I'm so sorry. Infertility, whatever the form, does suck.


DH and I both hear the clock ticking.

I can totally relate to that. DH and I got married when I was almost 42. Fortunately, my OB was very familiar with "advanced maternal age" (read: old) patients. Four months after we were married, we arrived at our RE with all testing done for both DH and me. (It could have been even sooner - it was my decision to take a couple of months "off" after getting married before starting the testing.) To shorten a longer story, we were successful on our first attempt at IVF a year after we were married.

You don't mention HOW loudly the clock is ticking - but if you're over 35, please have a plan in place of how you're going to move forward. Most RE's now believe that people will be successful after three attempts at IUI. If they aren't, it's time to move on. The only reason I'm sharing this (and hopefully not being too intrusive) is that, if age/time are an issue, I'd strongly consider doing injectibles, not Clomid, so that time doesn't go by more quickly than necessary.

If you'd like more information, or the link to a great bulletin board for those dealing with various forms of infertility, please feel free to PM me.

Until then, hang in there...and enjoy the cookies :).

Emily

[BeachBum]

Thanks so much for the support. I really needed it. :)

It is just one of those things that is really hard to talk about with other people. I'm not keeping my struggles a secret, it's just that none of my IRL friends can relate. They just don't understand how badly it hurts, and how it consumes my thoughts.
There are a bunch of really great things about having an only. I totally get why people would choose it. But, it just isn't what I want. I want another child so badly that I can taste it.

Thank you all again for validating my feelings. It just helps to be reassured that I'm not selfish and that I can get through this one way or another and be ok. I just keep hoping that it's the happy way....

[MamaMolly]

There are a bunch of really great things about having an only. I totally get why people would choose it. But, it just isn't what I want. I want another child so badly that I can taste it.

Yup. I'm right there with you. Every day I look at DD and I tell God 'just one more'. She is my heart. My sister and I are so close. I really want DD to have a brother or sister to share life with.

I totally agree with the PP who suggested you make a timeline and a plan. Like I said earlier, I'm just biding my time until May. It is an arbitrary date, but I needed to have some ending/starting place. I guess in a situation where I feel like I have no control, it gives me something to do :) .

I also agree that the BBB mamas are such a great support. None of my mama friends IRL had fertility issues, so it really helps to have shoulders to lean on who have BTDT.

Best wishes and big hugs,

[sadie427]

I'm so sorry. I'm actually having miscarriage #3 today, so I relate. We had a BBB TTC board that was just closed down, but if you think we should resurrect it, or if you just want to commisserate, PM me. Take care of yourself.

[Ceepa]

All I can do is send you good thoughts, prayers and lots of hugs so that's what I'm doing.

((((HUGS))))

[tarabenet]

You're right, you know, and I wasn't thinking when I posted last night. For me
*personally* the emotional roller coaster was worse the second time, but it was just awful all the way around. (Where's the foot-in-mouth smiley?)

No matter what, infertility sucks.

Sarah

Sarah, I knew you didn't mean it "that way". I just wanted to make sure you knew it too. ;) And that others remember too, for that. Many hugs. No two was around it, it just sucks. And it really sucks that there are so many who know that first-hand. Stay well!
Benet

[hez]

Just wanted to send an extra set of hugs your way.

My advice is to stay on top of getting to a diagnosis so you can make an appropriate plan, if that's really what you want to do. The doctors aren't as emotionally invested in YOUR fertility as you are. There are times things end up unexplained, but even knocking items off the list as being 'normal' is better than not checking them at all, and definitely better than letting a doctor assume they're normal for whatever reason (previous pregnancy being one reason they'd make that assumption). Just my two cents from experience... :hug:

[BillK]

We went through 5 unsuccessful (and uninsured) IVF's before turning to adoption. I wish we'd have turned to adoption after the first failed one and not spent all that money and emotion in 4 more. Our final diagnosis was "unexplained failure to conceive" - not a very satisfying diagnosis after all of that. I hope things work out for you - infertility just sucks.

[bubbaray]

Oh, many many hugs to you!

We went through nearly 3 years of IF, with unexplained IF the final diagnosis. Our first round of clomid/IUI, I got PG with DD#1. Second round of clomid/IUI I got PG, but m/c'd. Third unmedicated/IUI, I got PG with DD#2.

My RE will do a max of 4 clomid cycles per lifetime. When I did my first cycle, he said he would do 6 clomid cycles, but after 4 without success, there wasn't great odds of the extra 2 cycles being +ve. By the time I did cycle #2 (the m/c), he wasn't doing 6 cycles anymore, just 4. He does two, then you're on a TAB cycle, then 2 more. After that, move on to injectibles/IUI or IVF.

Personally, I found the key is to find a dr and clinic you like. My RE was my 2nd, I didn't really like my first one nor the clinic. So, I basically demanded that my GP refer me to the 2nd clinic, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the second clinic. Not all glitzy and in the chi chi offices of the 1st, but more research oriented and affiliated with a university (and, BTW, the first clinic in Canada to to IVF). It was seriously the best decision I/we ever made.

I'm not sure if we will do another round. I keep saying no, but we'll see. I find the drugs take a huge toll on me and I'm not sure I want to do another unmedicated IUI.... I'm feeling rather like a dozen eggs that were best before last week, IYKWIM.

I'm not sure how "far" we would have gone. IF isn't covered by insurance here, so its 100% out of pocket for the procedure (and neither of our Rx plans covered the meds either). Strangely, its more expensive in Canada than in the US (at least compared to what my US friends have said).

I highly recommend finding a support group. I have an IF support group online and they have been my lifeline through all of this.

IF sucks.

[MamaKath]

(((Hugs))) I am in the major wishing/wanting another mode lately and can really relate to wondering how to be happy sometimes if I don't have one. I also wonder many days on how far to push the whole thought of more. I only wish that dh felt even remotely the same way. I guess that is a seperate gripe for me though. I can certainly relate though to how you are feeling! Hang in there...