Laundry is not optional

[niccig]

DH is supposed to put the laundry on, I put it in the dryer later in the day and we fold at night. THere's only 4 loads of clothes (whites, darks, coloureds and DS's clothes). I do the towels and sheets.

He doesn't do the clothes. I have enough underwear for nearly 2 weeks and I always run out. He says to stop nagging and buy more underwear, I tell him to do what he said he would. Today I told him that cooking isn't optional for me, I have to do it, he replied not all the time as we sometimes eat out. But we don't go for a week or two without me cooking.

I'm done. Is it petulant of me to not cook his dinner (separate to DS's) as he's making regular chores be optional? There's a whole lot of stuff that I want to opt out of then.

Nicci

[MontrealMum]

I don't think it's bad at all for you to want to stop doing your "chores" if he won't do his. It's his house, and his mess too. You're not *his* mother.

DH and I have lived together for nearly 11 years now (some married, some not), and I'll tell you when we first moved in together it was a complete disaster. He never did anything (we both worked) and the place was a pigsty. When I stopped doing any cleaning in order to make a "point" it never mattered because most guys just don't see dirt. I was constantly frustrated and angry. I finally found that if I "assigned" him certain things to do (and you have to pick the ones he'll actually do) - he did them, and I felt better. It's not even about being equal I think, but about feeling used. When you're both working (especially then) why should the woman do all the household chores just because she's the woman?

I am more relaxed and absentminded now that DS is here, but here is how things are divided in our house: DH does ALL the laundry and the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher). If he wants something ironed he does it himself. That is the one thing I refuse to do! I do everything else, which encompasses everything from basic cleaning, all the cooking to extras like putting up/taking down the Xmas tree, and I do almost all the childcare.

Now, I know most guys would not go for this, many of my IRL friends are astounded by our arrangement - the rest have cleaning ladies LOL. We set things up this way a long time ago and I rarely have to nag him anymore. The one thing that works, especially regarding running out of panties or bras...threatening to just buy more. My DH is VERY frugal so this lights a fire under him. Obviously this will not work for you, so you need to figure out your own DH's motivating factors :)

The key is finding something that your DH will actually do every week - whether it's equal to what you do or not. Just that they're doing something makes you feel so much better. I tried getting mine to do the bathroom and kitchen but that never worked, and he used all the wrong cleaning products/tools in the wrong places too.

[Twoboos]

I say, do your own laundry and DS's, along w/enough towels for you. Leave DH's stuff. Then HE won't have any clothes, and you can shrug and tell him to buy more.

But, I'm in a bad mood today. :)

[KBecks]

I say, do your own laundry and DS's, along w/enough towels for you. Leave DH's stuff. Then HE won't have any clothes, and you can shrug and tell him to buy more.

But, I'm in a bad mood today. :)

That's what I was thinking and I'm not in a bad mood.

I'd also consider skipping dinner prep once or twice during the week, let him fend for himself with a bowl of cereal or he can make his own grilled cheese or something.

Really, you need to have a calm, mature talk about the fact you both are responsible for keeping the house running, too and how you can work through this together as a team.

[niccig]

I hear you about having a discussion, but I wonder at the mature level required. He's nearly 40 not 14, yet it escapes him that things have to be done on a regular basis even if you don't want to do it. I don't like cooking every single day, I hate having to come up with an idea to make. It just has to be done.

It takes 5 mins to put the washing on - it's all presorted into a 3 section laundry hamper and he leaves the house through the laundry room. What doesn't help is that many other DH's do absolutely nothing and their wives pay for full-time or part-time help. Even if we could afford that, I wouldn't want to.

I'm not cooking dinner tonight - I'm getting a cold and I've got a paper to finish. He'll either get take-out on his way home or order in at work (they can order in if they stay late). So, I'll have to think of a way to get my point across, if he still doesn't get it.

[lizajane]

i finally had to tell DH that he had to do his own laundry for a while. i wasn't even being ugly about it. i just had (have) too much on my plate and that was one tiny thing i could let go of. and so he took over his laundry. and he NEVER DID IT ON TIME so he always realized at the last minute that he didn't have something he needed. i ended up taking it back over, but i HIGHLY recommend you start doing YOUR laundry and let him do his on whatever schedule suits him.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I saw an neat thing in Real Simple a long time ago. Make a list of all the things that need to happen on a regular basis to make your home "work." Some might be weekly, monthly or quarterly. Sit down at a relaxing time with the list and you both take turns "claiming" chores that you like or don't mind doing and can fit into your day/week. You may have to end up dividing up the ones no one wants, but maybe you can both decide to hire outside help, take turns, make a deal or something creative for those last few.

We tried this and it works really well for us. I totally think DH got the worst stuff and he thinks I did!

[trales]

I do all mine and DD's laundry and household laundry. DH is responsable for all his own laundry. When he runs out of underwear (he has 3 weeks worth) or dress shirts (2 weeks worth), he does 3-4 loads of his laundry. He works 65 hours a week, I have offered to do his laundry if . . . he takes all the pens and kleenex's and change out of the pockets and put them in the laundry basket not on his closet floor. He has never taken me up on my offer.

Our arrangement works well for us.

[JillSP]

Could you switch your husband's laundry responsibility and make him in charge of taking clothes out of the washer and put them in the dryer? And then, set the kitchen timer to go off at the same time the washer will stop?

I thought of this because my husband was home today and I put a load of wash in dryer and set the timer on the stove (like I do for me) and asked my husband to take the stuff out of the dryer when it went off because I had an errand to run.

When I came home, not only did he have the load I put in the dryer sorted and folded, but he also had dried the load I had put in the washer and sorted and folded those close, too.

(Lest you think my husband is a saint, when I came home at noon, there were still breakfast dishes all over the kitchen which would have driven me nuts but as I had made him move a major appliance out to the curb for recycling at 8 this morning, I thought I should let it go.)

Sometimes men (and women) need really specific instructions and reminders. Should we "have" to give reminders? No. But if we want something done, we have to figure out what we need to do get it done.

My secondary advice would be to sit down with your husband and discuss a compromise solution on laundry because the current situation isn't working for you.

[niccig]

Thank you ladies for understanding. We didn't talk, we had a fight - yes, not very mature of either of us. We did discuss it later. We're going to sit down this weekend and sort a number of things out. We both have different expectations and comfort levels. I want more things planned out esp. finances and he's more laid back roll with the punches. So, the laundry was a cover for a bigger issue in that we deal with things differently. We're going to work out a family approach that we're both comfortable with. This difference wasn't much of an issue before DS, but now with more to do and less time, the tension has been increasing.

As for the laundry - I expect the laundry to be done every week, DH thinks when the bags look full anywhere from 10-14 days. I know his mum didn't teach him that, a hangover from long ago college days probably. He was actually surprised when I said weekly. Sheesh. He's agreed to do it every Monday and in return asked me to go shopping as 2 pairs of jeans and 2 tired pairs of sweatpants aren't enough to get to the next wash. Hopefully, this is the last fight about laundry and I'll just have to do gentle reminders that he's falling behind with the agreement. Also lesson learnt to clearly spell out time schedule of house jobs.

[KBecks]

You may want to share with him that it's pretty easy to do a load every other day or so instead of doing it all at once. It works well for me. My laundry bakskets are about the size of one load, so when they start to get full, I do it. It takes practice to get into a good routine.

[niccig]

You may want to share with him that it's pretty easy to do a load every other day or so instead of doing it all at once. It works well for me. My laundry bakskets are about the size of one load, so when they start to get full, I do it. It takes practice to get into a good routine.

I tried to tell him this, but he wants to try all in one day. So, we'll see how that goes, and when it looks like it's too much, I'll suggest it again. It's how I did it when I was doing the laundry.