View Full Version : super skinny friend complaining she's fat!
momof2girls
03-07-2008, 06:09 PM
I have a friend who is very thin. I mean 90 pounds at 5'5". I mean so thin people notice. I never lost about 10 pounds after the birth of DD#1. I KNOW I need to lose the weight. No one would mistake me for being thin. At least once a week she complains that she is fat. I don't know if she truly thinks she is fat or is looking for reassurance that she is, in fact, a rail. I just think it is kind of mean to tell me, the one who obviously needs to lose weight, that SHE is fat. That, in turn, must make me a whale. Anyway, these comments always make for awkward moments. What am I supposed to say? I keep telling her she is thin, but she keeps on telling me how fat she is. Should I just tell her, "Look, I need to lose 10 pounds, we all know that, please stop making me feel worse." I know her comments are not about me, but I do walk away feeling bad about myself. She is honestly the thinnest person I have ever known. What to do, keep telling her how thin she is?
almostsane
03-07-2008, 06:20 PM
I just posted on a weight issue earlier in the week. While I certainly sympathize with you, keep in mind that your friend may have a problem. At my smallest, I was 5'5" and weighed 105 pounds. That may not sound small, but I was 22 and could wear preteen clothing. Size 0 pants often had to be altered to fit. I still thought I was fat. She may need the reassurance or not, but something is not right there. If you are a very close friend, then offer up the advice that she may need to talk to someone about her issues. It took me years of counseling and a pregnancy to realize how much damage I had done to my body and that I didn't have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. I now realize how stupid I sounded when commenting to people that I needed to lose weight, but it doesn't change the fact that I actually thought I did need to lose. People with eating disorders are like alcoholics, you are always recovering and every day is a battle. Sorry, this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but I thought I would offer it up anyway. She probably does not even realize what she is saying.:hug:
momof2girls
03-07-2008, 06:29 PM
She did confide that she had a disorder years ago but is fine now that she is a mom. She says she was 15 pounds lighter back then. However, I know she could be lying and still have the disorder. I do sympathize though I cannot relate. We are not close enough that I feel I can bring up that personal a matter. When others hear her complain about being fat, they all tell her that she is so thin and that we all wish we were that thin, etc, etc. It just never seems to be enough praise and reassurance.
elizabethkott
03-07-2008, 06:55 PM
It must be frustrating to hear it over and over again. Especially if you feel like you need to lose weight yourself.
I agree with almostsane, though. It sounds like there may be something else going on there, especially if she confided that she has a history.
Eating disorders are such horrible things. I don't have personal experience with one myself, but I'm sure it's horrible to live with.
I feel your frustration, though. There are some people out there who don't have eating disorders who are just really needy and require that constant affirmation from others that yes, they are in fact x rather than y.
mshen
03-07-2008, 06:57 PM
how about just tell her that she does have a weight issue andshe's too thin. i don't know if it would help, but she sound like she's underweight. and if that doesn't work (which probably wouldn't), just tell her what you said in your OP, that her complaints are making you self-conscience and feel bad about yourself. sorry can't be more help. good luck with your friend!
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dr mom
03-07-2008, 08:48 PM
I have to agree with the PPs, I suspect her comments are much more about how she sees herself than how she views you. Objectively, you can see that she is thin, but if she suffers from an eating disorder or body dysmorphic disorder, she may "see" herself differently.
Most people are inherently a little bit self-centered anyway, and if she's struggling with an eating disorder, she's expending ALL her energy obsessing about what she looks like...so she's probably not looking at you at all, much less making judgements about your weight. Try not to take her comments personally, but view them as a symptom of her own insecurity - and be grateful that you are able to be comfortable in your own skin, and don't have to go seeking constant reassurance.
If she brings it up again, depending on how close of a friendship it is, you could either change the subject ("yes it's tough to lose weight, that must be very frustrating for you, Would you like some Bean Dip/How about those presidential primaries/Look, isn't that Tom Cruise over there?") or confront the issue head-on ("I've noticed you seem really concerned about your weight and I know that you have struggled with an eating disorder in the past; I wonder if that has been more of a struggle for you recently, and I am here to listen if you want to talk about it.")
lizajane
03-07-2008, 09:08 PM
i think eating disorders are akin to alcoholism. you don't not have one anymore, you are a recovering anorexic or bulemic. i don't know anyone who had an active eating disorder who was "cured" of food/body size issues after they started to achieve a healthy weight. it isn't that she used to have an eating disorder, it is that she has one. she needs counseling. she is crying for help. tell her the truth: "you complain of being fat when you are underweight. not only is your body image distorted to the point that i am concerned for you, but your remarks are insulting to me and others who wish to regain a healthy weight. here are some resources that can help you (from google search, etc.) what else can i do to help?"
and BTW, be careful what YOU say, as well. to say you haven't lost 10lbs of baby weight could insult someone who needs to lose a LOT more. i am not offended, as i am already at a healthy weight. but i want to return to MY healthy weight, which means i have 24 lbs to lose. and my youngest child is 3. so while your remark didn't upset me, i did notice.
Laurel
03-07-2008, 09:46 PM
yeah, ditto lizajane. she's not over the past eating issues, don't take it personally. i'd call her on it, but that's just me.
trales
03-07-2008, 10:07 PM
You might be damned if you do damned if you don't. If you say something about how tough it is to lose weight, she might get really upset. She could think along the lines of how would she know, she looks fine, she doesn't have my hips, butt, fat roles etc. If you tell her she looks too thin, she might get really offended, "how could she think that, doesn't she see my. . . "
I guess it would depend on how close you are and how you plan to approach her. I get really, really touchy when people mention my weight to me even if they are generally being nice and saying things like "You look great, the baby weight came off". What they don't know is the day to day struggle and battles that I go through at home and exhaust me. I can't really handle compliments or comments on my body.
I totally agree with Lizajane that is is not something you ever get over, and I think the approaches Dr Mom suggested could work really well depending on how close of friends you.
Good luck, it is a tough situation.
momof2girls
03-07-2008, 10:28 PM
Please forgive my ignorance on the topic of eating disorders as I never knew anyone who battled with one until now. My friend told me that she was 90 pounds. She is thrilled to be 90 b/c a few months ago she was 95 and, apparently, not happy with that. Again, I know this may seem like a stupid question to those who understand this better than I, but wouldn't the fact that an adult who knows she weighs the same as a 12-yr-old be enough to convince her that she is not fat? Just the facts of her age plus her height plus her weight would add up to her being a thin person. Additionally, I don't think she is necessarily ashamed of her body as she has shown me many pics of her vacation in a teeny bikini. Again, excuse my ignorance, but if I thought I was fat, I would not wear a teeny bikini, much less allow pictures of myself to be taken, and then go on to show them to people. I am sure many of you who understand this disorder can explain why this is and enlighten me. I really need an education on this one.
dcmom2b3
03-07-2008, 11:43 PM
but wouldn't the fact that an adult who knows she weighs the same as a 12-yr-old be enough to convince her that she is not fat? Just the facts of her age plus her height plus her weight would add up to her being a thin person.
But don't you see, she *doesn't* "know" that she weighs the same as a 12 yr. old. At least not the way that you do. That's not part of how she understands herself. You're trying to analyze the situation while assuming that you share the same basic way of thinking about it. But you don't, which is why her thinking has been defined clinically as a disorder and yours hasn't.
Each person's struggle with body image/eating issues is truly individual, but I think a recurring theme is that the body/image reality that the affected individual sees is waaaay different from the one that others see.
HTH,
Mary-Helen
Wife_and_mommy
03-08-2008, 01:22 AM
I'm not well-versed on eating disorders but have learned that the way they see themselves is *way* distorted.
MontrealMum
03-08-2008, 02:28 PM
I won't talk about the eating disorder aspect of this, but I would like to add that there are some people out there that are naturally super-thin. My mother is 5'11" and weighs 105lbs. tops. At her highest she was, maybe 120. My cousin (on that side) is 5'5" and I wouldn't be surprised if she weighs 90 lbs. since she's that much shorter than my mom. I don't know because I've never asked - I just don't think it's polite with so many women having so many hang-ups about their bodies. (just an aside about me: I take after my grandmother and am (was) average-sized, and worked hard to stay that way, still dealing with some post-partum issues here too)
Until recently my mom and her attitudes towards others' weight have driven me crazy because to anyone who isn't superskinny it seems like she just has it so easy. I won't go into all of this because much of it is wrapped up in my own difficulties in dealing with my mother, but I will say that she is often on the receiving end of people accusing her of being anorexic (she's not) and telling her she'd be *lucky* to be so (majorly twisted, I know). Also, she's a little self-absorbed, and has absolutely no clue what an average, healthy weight - take your pick of adjective here, I don't mean to be offensive, but it's difficult with this subject - is for someone her height. When I told her, pre-pregnancy, what I weighed (smack in the middle for someone my height, build and activity level) she was completely floored at how large the number was. Not only was it a huge amount more than her own weight, but she's not even on the scale for the range for her own height.
Now, I'm not saying you should do nothing, because it's making you feel bad and that's not good. It sounds like you're dealing with someone that has not only battled an eating disorder, but is genetically predisposed to be on the thin side regardless of said disorder. What you say to her depends on your level of friendship, but I don't think it would be amiss to tell her how her comments make YOU feel, if you are close and will be spending alot of time with her in the future. Others have offered advice about the eating-disorder issue, and said that this is about her, not you. You might be surprised, though, by her reaction if you told her how bad she's making you feel - she probably has no idea, and would not want you to feel that way.
momof2girls
03-08-2008, 03:09 PM
Thank you for all the continuing advice. After reading it all, I now think I should say something to her. It's amazing how all of your points of view have changed the way I have thought about it all. When I orginally wrote the post it was to vent about something that was getting on my nerves. Now I realize that maybe it is something about never fully recovering from her disorder, or, possibly, just a self-centeredness. I will likely ask her if she is ok as of lately as I am concerned that she thinks she is fat when she really looks so thin to everyone else. I know I am not the only one she mentions her perceived fatness to as she complains to anyone who will listen--those larger than her and some that are thin themselves. I see these other people walk away with looks on their face like she is nuts. Maybe she needs me to be frank, yet supportive of her. I just hope she doesn't get think I'm overstepping my boundaries. I guess if she was open enough to tell me she has a disorder, than she should be open enough to have me mention it to her. What do you think?
Thanks!!
almostsane
03-08-2008, 06:20 PM
To the original poster, I would like to say that I am very impressed with how you handled this post. I know that you needed to vent and sort of got bombarded with advice to see it from the other person's view. Kudos to you for attempting to see her side.
People with eating disorders, or the ones I know, fight a battle everyday, every time they put a bite in their mouth, every time they look in the mirror. I still have to tell myself every meal that I am pregnant, I am not only feeding me, but my child as well. I am not even an extreme case. I have seen women who literally write down EVERY bite of food that goes into their mouth, the calories, the fat content, etc. They will then exercise until they look ready to drop and then agonize over the fact that they didn't burn enough calories. It is just the way they are. Counseling helped me, but I will never be cured.
I have learned not to comment to anyone that I think I need to lose weight, as it could be/probably is offensive to someone who is obese or TRULY does need to lose for health reasons, BUT that does not change the way I see myself.
I so applaud you for taking the time to try to help your friend and learn about eating disorders. Be happy with yourself, love your body, and give yourself a break. Someone thinks your beautiful just the way you are.:hug:
lizajane
03-09-2008, 01:13 AM
Please forgive my ignorance on the topic of eating disorders as I never knew anyone who battled with one until now. My friend told me that she was 90 pounds. She is thrilled to be 90 b/c a few months ago she was 95 and, apparently, not happy with that. Again, I know this may seem like a stupid question to those who understand this better than I, but wouldn't the fact that an adult who knows she weighs the same as a 12-yr-old be enough to convince her that she is not fat? Just the facts of her age plus her height plus her weight would add up to her being a thin person. Additionally, I don't think she is necessarily ashamed of her body as she has shown me many pics of her vacation in a teeny bikini. Again, excuse my ignorance, but if I thought I was fat, I would not wear a teeny bikini, much less allow pictures of myself to be taken, and then go on to show them to people. I am sure many of you who understand this disorder can explain why this is and enlighten me. I really need an education on this one.
eating disorders are, most often, not about food, size or weight. they are about control. the women i know who recovered from eating disorders were extremely intelligent, very succesful in school, highly driven to acheive and often in situations in which they could NOT control things around them. one was in a very large family, perhaps trying to control herself in a family that had so many members, she couldn't control much about her day to day life. one was scared to death by a sudden life threatening illness that could have taken her father away from her. (her dad was ill. that wasn't quite clear.) one was the middle child of three who excelled at everything she did and felt the need to maintain perfection in all things without fail. (and had a very succesful older brother, i might add.) i have ONE friend who purged, but did not binge, and over-exercised because she wanted to be thin. BUT it is worth mentioning that she lost an older sister to a car accident and was smothered by her mother who both wanted to protect her youngest (of three, lost the middle child) and wanted to "help" her with criticisms like "people like us can't wear outfits like that." so while she wasn't a perfectionist/control "freak" she was in an out of control situation.
take a look at her life and see what she might need to control.
and ditto to PP who said you are awesome for listening to this advice when we could have been good listeners to your vent! sorry for butting in!!!
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