UPDATED: Dance recitals and make-up?

[spunkybaby]

DD1 is in a dance class for 3- and 4-year-olds. They are practicing for the dance recital in June. Today I learned that they are expected to wear full make-up (eye shadow, eyeliner, mascara, blush, and red lipstick) for picture day, the dress rehearsal, and the recital.

I am floored. I think DD1 is too young to wear make-up. I had assumed that make-up would be optional and minimal (maybe some light lip gloss), and I sent the teacher an e-mail to tell her so. I don't expect the teacher to make an exception for DD1 (she said in class today that make-up is mandatory), so I will probably withdraw DD1, which is a shame since she is looking forward to being "on stage" during the recital. But I really don't think anyone should force me to put make-up on my daughter!

My personal mind is already pretty much set, but I just thought I'd ask the BBB to see if full make-up is the norm for everyone else's preschool dance recitals. Was I wrong to be surprised by this requirement? (I never participated in dance growing up but did some acting in high school/college, so I understand that make-up is the norm on stage, but just didn't realize it would be required for even the littlest dancers!)

TIA

ETA: Thanks, everyone, for all your comments. I really appreciate them, especially those who let me know that I'm not crazy to not want to put makeup on a 3-year-old. I received an e-mail back from the teacher today. It was a little rude but basically said that if I had a real problem with the makeup, then don't put it on my daughter. So I think I'll let DD1 finish out the year--recital and all--sans makeup and then we will look for a new studio or new activity for the summer and fall. Thanks again!

[Emmas Mom]

Well, it seems a little much to me & a bit ridiculous since you are PAYING for the class that they are making it mandatory. Our older DD was in a dance class where they had a recital & there were mom's who went all out but it wasn't mandatory. We had DD wear some sparkle powder on her cheeks & some pink lipstick but that was it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I have been to a few dance studios and the majority have required at least some make-up for the little ones. The worst was the one where the director/lead teacher dragged a 4yo on stage and made an example of her for the parents at the dress rehearsal and pointed out how she needed more make-up. My newest school doesn't require it at all.

Is your dd really looking forward to the show? If she is, I know you already have your mind made up but if it were me I would do the make-up thing this year unless you can find another dance school w/o this requirement. At this age the show is a big deal and some girls have been looking forward to it for a long time. I kow you didn't ask my opinion on it but I just wanted to throw it out there that you let her participate. Make-up isn't a huge deal. It's only for a few occasions. When I was little and had to wear make-up for my dance shows I thought it was the collest thing ever.

The more I learn about the dif't dance schools and schools of thought on the shows the more I know that I prefer the no make-up ones. I think that they others tend to take themselves too seriously. The shows should just be fun. While you want them to do well in their routine (to have learned something in class!) that shouldn't be the be all and end all. Some directors/ teachers do not seem to share that sentiment. I did tell the one director when I was an adult (during my 1st and only year there ;)) that I thought she needed to chill- it is just a dance recital (she was the one who trotted the 4yo on stage to critique her make-up).

Oh, I don't remember eye liner ever being required anywhere, even when I was older.

Beth

[egoldber]

Sarah was in a dance recital when she was 5 and they did makeup. They told us it would be tasteful and I thought it was. (The dance company did it.) It was some light eyeshadow, lipgloss and sparkly blush.

I can't imagine putting full makeup on a 3 year old?

[Pennylane]

I think that is crazy! My dd has been going to the same ballet school since she was 3 (she's almost 7 now) and this is the first year they have mentioned makeup. They suggested some sparkles and lip gloss. I would never have put it on her at 3, no way!!!

Ann

[khm]

My nieces, my step-niece and our neighbor have all done dance since they were very young. Makeup is "required" for all of them - three entirely different areas / studios.

The moms do the makeup, so my sister just puts it on as light as she can and lets the kids enjoy their special day. My sister highly dislikes it, but grits her teeth. ;)

We saw our neighbor girl come home from the recital last year (she was 4 at the time). She had makeup on, and up close it was pretty icky, but the pictures from where the parents sat looked fine.

We'd just moved in and my own 4 year old was just enthralled. She is now in the same class as neighbor girl, so I guess I'll be doing makeup here in a couple months.

It does seem unnecessary, but it seems to be the trend, unfortunately. I'm sure the three year olds at our studio will be in makeup, though I'm not sure.

I don't like it, but my daughter enjoys the class and the camaraderie, so I'm just letting it slide I guess.

[MontrealMum]

I have to say that I'm really surprised to read the responses here. Back when I was younger (over a period of about 20 years or so) I took classes at both a non-professional dance school, and a feeder school for a professional company (and many of the girls I danced with went on to have professional dance careers). At the fun, non-professional studio (for lack of a better word) makeup was encouraged for the older kids, and required for the performing company, but it was optional for the younger ones.

It was required for shows for the professional school, since it was professional, but IME professional schools don't have recitals. The youngest kids there were five, and there were very few that young. So, the division I see is: Professional=makeup, non-professional=makeup not required. Professional schools have *real* shows that people pay to see, not recitals for parents and friends, so the requirement of makeup makes sense. Recitals are just supposed to be a fun experience for the kids! I know makeup can be a fun aspect too, but to require it, AND humiliate a child for not doing it right is just the opposite of that.

I have to say that this must be a huge change, and it's an alarming one. Makeup does not belong on a 3 year old, and I think that you might want to steer clear of a studio that takes itself this seriously with children that young. That sort of mindset is likely to extend to teaching style, the "fun" aspect, and the general friendliness aspect of the whole thing.

I mean, for goodness sakes, it's not unusual for the kids in the baby class to get up on stage during the recital and while about half sort of do the routine, with the teacher whispering loudly and gesturing in the wings, one or two sit down, another pulls her skirt up over her face, and a few take off their shoes! It's precious to watch, and really it's just about giving them that opportunity to dress up and have a big deal made over them. It's about letting kids be kids - JMHO :)

[JustMe]

I think it is ridiculous that make-up is mandatory! Dd has only been in dance classes through the city, not through private dance companies, so I don't know what the norm is here. I would probably do what you are doing, as I would feel strongly about this issue as well. Its one thing to encourage it (which doesn't thrill me either), but to make it mandatory would be hard for me to accept.

[spunkybaby]

The moms do the makeup, so my sister just puts it on as light as she can and lets the kids enjoy their special day. My sister highly dislikes it, but grits her teeth. ;)

I wasn't in class today (my cousin took DD1), but my cousin and another mom friend who was there said that the teacher specifically said to put *lots* of eye makeup on because otherwise the girls will be washed out by the bright stage lights. Another mom asked if pink lipstick was okay, and the teacher said it has to be red.

The bummer part is that when I was looking for a dance class for DD1, I really tried to find one where the costumes etc. were age-appropriate and steered away from the most popular dance school in our area because I didn't like how the little girls were dressed for the recital. I received specific recommendations about this dance school and heard people say that the costumes were very age-appropriate. Unfortunately, I didn't think to ask about makeup...

[spunkybaby]

Is your dd really looking forward to the show? If she is, I know you already have your mind made up but if it were me I would do the make-up thing this year unless you can find another dance school w/o this requirement. At this age the show is a big deal and some girls have been looking forward to it for a long time. I kow you didn't ask my opinion on it but I just wanted to throw it out there that you let her participate. Make-up isn't a huge deal. It's only for a few occasions. When I was little and had to wear make-up for my dance shows I thought it was the collest thing ever.

She *is* really looking forward to the show. I know she will be disappointed that she can't be in the recital, and I feel bad about that. But I really wish the makeup requirement had been communicated much earlier in the year because *to me*, makeup on a little girl *is* a big deal. I don't want to set a precedent for her wearing makeup that early (and then asking for it on other occasions--right now, I just explain to her that makeup is for mommies). I also don't want to start focusing on "enhancing" her appearance. I want her to know that she is beautiful just the way she is.

[deborah_r]

Having no experience with this at all, I was originally completely horrified by the description of the type and amount of makeup required on 3 and 4 year olds. I still am a little. But with the mention of the stage lights and not being washed out, I'm wondering if there is a legitimate reason? I know nothing about stage lights and all, and can't totally convince myself that it would be important for little girls' facial features to not be washed out a little.

Maybe you could ask to see pictures from a past class to see how it looks?

[salsah]

I also don't want to start focusing on "enhancing" her appearance. I want her to know that she is beautiful just the way she is.

i completely agree with you. particularily since my mother drilled it into me that i am ugly and need all the help i can get. obviously she didn't use those exact words and that was never her intention but that was how i understood her comments about appearance. unfortunately now i can't go out w/o make up. even though i now know the truth, i still don't have the confidence to be seen w/o make up. when i am home sick and know that i won't see anyone, i *might* skip make-up but i feel really ugly w/o it (i actually can feel when i don't have make up on and it feels weird -- the make up feel is the norm for me.

anyways, before i get completely ot (we'll deal with my issues another time), i would be concerened about pulling her from the show because she is looking forward to it and she might not understand your reasons.

perhaps a middle ground: try to get an exception for the eye make-up on the basis that it is dangerous -- little girls rubbing their eyes, getting the make-up (which i assume is shared) in their eyes potentially causing an infection. as for the lipstick, give your dd a red lollipop just before the show. she doesn't need to know why and maybe no one will notice that she doesn't have lipstick on.

the most important thing is how you discuss the issue with your dd. explain the stage aspect (being able to see her from far away) and that it is only for stage / shows.

hth

[Melanie]

I would do the same as you. I think 3 and 4 is too young to 'require' make up for a school recital. Maybe you can invite the grandparents over and you and she can do your own recital and she can still get a fuss made over her?

ETA: I took dance for several years and was always surprised at the moms who'd tart up their toddlers for our shows. In our older classes we hardly wore any make up, and not to the level the little ones would. And this was way before the JonBenet days. I can't imagine doing that now. Of course it was a totally informal studio but I think if you don't mind your child looking "washed out," in her pics, that is your decision.

ETAA: I also danced competitively in teen years and I totally get we had to look like cheap whores to be uniform (LOL, can you tell I looked HORRIFIC in the colors they'd pick for the team?). But this is a 3 year old for a studio recital. I'm starting to look for studios for my Dd and now you've given me a new question to ask! Thank you!!

[misshollygolightly]

I am sympathetic to your situation--out of context, "mandatory" makeup on a young girl does sound absolutely ridiculous. I just wanted to point out that, having danced at several studios for a total of over 13 years myself (starting around your DD's age), makeup for performances (including semi-professional and professional ones, as well as the "for fun" end-of-year recitals) was always mandatory. There were three (fairly legitimate) reasons for this: 1) as a PP noted, it helps keep the dancers from looking washed-out under all those stage lights (this is one of the same reasons why male actors wear makeup onstage); 2) it helps accentuate smiles and facial features so they can be seen from a the audience; and 3) it helps give the dancers a uniform appearance (for example, all the girls wear blue eyeshadow and red lipstick, which was the norm at most of my studios, just as they all wear matching costumes). The idea is that dance has an element of stage-performance to it, hence the makeup. I never got the impression that the makeup was to increase little dancers' sex appeal, indoctrinate them in making-up, or anything else inappropriate like that. Anyway, you are completely within your rights to withdraw your daughter, and I'm very sorry that the dance instructor wasn't more accommodating, but I thought it might help to understand some of the reasons many studios require makeup. If you feel strongly about this, though (and it sounds like you do), you might also consider asking some of the other moms how they feel about it. If several of you voice complaints, perhaps the instructor will compromise by only requiring lipstick or something.

[MontrealMum]

You know, the more I think about this, the more it gets to me, and it's not even my child! You paid for this, makeup should not be mandatory if you disagree with it. If it were me, I'd talk to some of the other parents, and see if there were more families that were on the same wavelength. Then perhaps you might be able to approach the studio for a "dispensation" for more than just your daughter, and she could still perform and not feel like the only one without circus paint.

Also, yes, stage lights do wash people's features out, that's why you wear stage makeup, not just regular old makeup - however, your child is 3, and dancing in a local recital - not performing at Radio City (sorry, I don't mean to belittle what she's doing, I'm just trying to make a point).

IMO the only reason they want your kid, and everyone else's, to wear makeup is so that the pics that are taken can then be sold to proud parents and grandparents - Now if I'm wrong about that, I'm wrong, but I would not be surprised if you told me that it's the studio that arranges for the pics, and that they are sold afterwards. Poor pics of washed out kids don't sell as well. BTW, when I was dancing we did all our "posed" pictures beforehand, backstage, during the dress. Noone was allowed to do flash photography during the actual performance - as in many professional venues - it's very distracting to the performers. Just something to think about - but as a paying customer I'd be awfully curious as to the reasoning behind the makeup statute!

[s7714]

I don't particularly like seeing makeup on little girls, but since she's really looking forward to it, I'd probably go ahead and do it this time, but then try to find a new studio. Regarding your comment about not wanting her to start focusing on appearances, I'd just play up the makeup as being part of a costume and not to make her more pretty or anything. And if you decide not to do it, I wouldn't say that you didn't want her to do it because of the makeup, because that would probably just boost her natural curiosity towards the makeup issue.

I'd honestly make a lesson out of the situation--find pictures online or books at the library showing people with and without stage makeup so you can show how her how the over-exaggerated makeup is just so her face can be seen from far away. Goodness knows anyone who has dealt with stage makeup close up would be the first to say it doesn't make you "pretty" by any means!

I distinctly remember my mom putting makeup on me (I was 4 1/2 at the time) for a part in a christmas show because we were supposed to be dolls in a "toy store". I didn't think twice that it was to make me prettier or anything, I just thought it was to make us look more like dolls. I was actually more infatuated with the fact my stick straight hair was curled into ringlets and I got to wear a pretty costume than I was about the makeup!

[klwa]

I don't want to set a precedent for her wearing makeup that early (and then asking for it on other occasions--right now, I just explain to her that makeup is for mommies). I also don't want to start focusing on "enhancing" her appearance. I want her to know that she is beautiful just the way she is.

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about this. In my (very) non-professional dance company growing up make up was always encouraged, although I won't swear it was required. I remember being a tiny thing & having (RED!) lipstick, eye shadow, and blusher being put on by my "stage helper", an older friend my mom hired to watch after me behind stage so she could watch the performance. That said, I understood that it was a stage thing and hated to have it put on anyway. I never asked to wear make up in real life, even after I was old enough to without looking weird. And now, at 31 (almost 32) I still don't wear any on a day to day basis. Just explain the stage lights thing rather than telling her it's to make her "prettier."

[SnuggleBuggles]

She *is* really looking forward to the show. I know she will be disappointed that she can't be in the recital, and I feel bad about that. But I really wish the makeup requirement had been communicated much earlier in the year because *to me*, makeup on a little girl *is* a big deal. I don't want to set a precedent for her wearing makeup that early (and then asking for it on other occasions--right now, I just explain to her that makeup is for mommies). I also don't want to start focusing on "enhancing" her appearance. I want her to know that she is beautiful just the way she is.

I like what a pp said about making the make- up not about beauty enhancing but as just part of the costume. I think she will get that distinction.

I do dislike the make up on kids thing but I don't really see it as anything sinsiter or that would really cause any life long issues. I think it is just something silly to do for a night or 2. But, I know you feel strongly about it the other way. I hope you can find something that makes you and dd happy. :)

Beth

[khm]

I like what a pp said about making the make- up not about beauty enhancing but as just part of the costume. I think she will get that distinction.

I do dislike the make up on kids thing but I don't really see it as anything sinsiter or that would really cause any life long issues. I think it is just something silly to do for a night or 2. But, I know you feel strongly about it the other way. I hope you can find something that makes you and dd happy. :)

Beth

This is how I'm viewing it in our case. It's like Halloween, or the rare day we eat cookies for breakfast or waffles for dinner - it's not "everyday normal" and I don't feel like she'll expect that it is, it is done for fun on this particular day.

When our recital comes up, I'll play up the costume and the makeup as a Very Special Thing for today.

I won't say it makes her "beautiful", because it doesn't! ;)

Our dance teacher is a younger woman. She studied dance in college and has been dancing since she was a child. I think it is just the new "trend". She's not overly serious for the younger ages, but it is important that the girls have a uniform appearance, even in class. They all wear the same color tights, shoes, skirts and leotards. They all must have their hair up out of their faces. So, I think the makeup is going towards the uniformity "costume" aspect, not sexing up toddlers.

Selling or taking professional pictures isn't a part of our studio at all, so the makeup aspect doesn't play into that where we are at least.

[egoldber]

We just considered it part of the costume for the show.

I think you own personal use of makeup and how you talk about it in your home will have far more influence on your daughter's views of makeup and her appearance than what she does in a dance recital.

[tnrnchick74]

I danced throughout my childhood/college years. I even taught dance for awhile. "Mandatory" makeup was ONLY "required" for the older kids. Makeup was optional for the little ones. And by makeup I mean a little powder, sparkles/blush, and lip gloss. I even had our school director wash OFF makeup on some of the smallest girls because they had eyeliner, bright red lipstick on and she didn't want to set a precident.

I think eyeliner & mascara on a 3-4 year old is not only ridiculous but unhealthy. Their eyes are WAY too sensitive for those harsh products.

But the difficult decision of taking her out of the recital...well, I think I would have to show up with my child's makeup done by me and say that no more will be added or she doesn't perform. No school should mandate something that is dangerous and in my opinion ridiculous for that young a child.

[Ceepa]

Coming from a drama background I can say that without some color applied to the face, a person on stage is really washed out and it's hard to distinguish features well.

Putting the makeup on for pictures? Um, don't think so. But for practice and the performance, makes sense. It's not about turning your DD into a Bratz doll, it's about making sure the audience can see them better. But if you're more comfortable with a lighter application, ABSOLUTELY do that.

[AngelaS]

I agree that for one day, it can be costume. While I don't agree with the idea of 'tarting' up preschoolers, it is important that you can see their features from the audience.

I think you'll find that as she gets older and progresses in dance, that makeup will be the least of your worries. :(

[Kungjo]

DD #1 has been in dance since she was 2 1/2. This is her 4th year. The dance teacher told us that makeup was always optional for pictures, but that she would prefer makeup on the kids during the recital so they don't look so washed out by the bright stage lights. I would put makeup on her myself for the recital and skip the mascara.

I know that the teacher said full makeup, but if you get to do her makeup, you can at least control the amount that is put on. Tell her it's part of the costume and it's ONLY for this one day. If that's okay for you, I wouldn't pull her from the recital. Kids this age are so excited about stuff like this that it would be a huge disappointment for her.

[Pennylane]

I thought about this more last night and I think I jumped the gun on my answer. If it was my dd, I would let her do the recital. I would not want her to miss out and like a few of the PP's have said, it's part of the "costume" for the day.

I would draw the line though at eye liner or mascara though.

Ann

[californiagirl]

I don't like makeup on little kids, but I think I would go with it for this one rehearsal. It's part of a costume, not something to make you pretty.

Then I'd find another studio, because I don't think your average 3 year old needs to be part of a formal performance that requires stage lights!

[elektra]

Granted it was about 30 years ago, but when I did dance from age 3-10 we always had to wear makeup as part of our costume. We didn't have makeup for the pictures though. And the makeup we had was pretty garish too! The bright blue eyeshadow, red lipstick etc. But it really was just part of the costume. I never actually thought it was weird until I read this post! I guess for me, it wasn't any type of JonBenet type of thing- parading girls around in bathing suits for a pageant. It was just part of the costume for the performance, and it wasn't supposed to make us look "pretty".
I actually hated dance and wouldn't have minded if my mom told me I didn't have to do the recital! However, it sounds like you daughter really wants to do it and it would be too bad if she doesn't get to because of the makeup. I totally get where you are coming from though, in not wanting to set a precendent for having it be ok for your young DD to wear makeup. But IMO the dance thing is different and not as weird if it's part of the costume.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I think you'll find that as she gets older and progresses in dance, that makeup will be the least of your worries. :(


Oh my, what exactly does that mean, A?

To OP, I feel like you do about th makeup. My dd takes dance at a rec center so I don't foresee her needing to wear makeup. If I find out otherwise, I'll bill it as costume like pp's mentioned. My dd does like to put my make up on but it's more a dress up thing done occasionally.

I have taken issue with her teacher telling 3-5 yo girls to turn and shake their bottoms at the audience. It seemed like an afterthought and I don't see it as necessary or healthy.

[spunkybaby]

If you feel strongly about this, though (and it sounds like you do), you might also consider asking some of the other moms how they feel about it. If several of you voice complaints, perhaps the instructor will compromise by only requiring lipstick or something.

I talked to two other moms, and they feel similarly about the makeup issue but decided they would go through with the recital and just not put eye makeup on their daughters. They didn't want to confront the teacher. And I know at least one other mom had told me a few weeks ago that she was *not* going to put eye makeup on her daughter. I wasn't expecting the instructor to listen to my e-mail at all (one mom today told me that the teacher said yesterday not to bother showing up to the recital/pictures/rehearsal without makeup), but she did reply saying that if I had a real problem with the makeup, not to put it on DD1. Her reply was fairly condescending (she said 99% of her clients trust her judgment), but I think I'll overlook that. I will probably tell the other moms what the teacher told me so that they know they don't *have* to put makeup on their daughters either. Who knows? Maybe we'll start a new trend...

[egoldber]

Honestly, the makeup would worry me less than the teacher's attitude. There's no excuse for her to be rude or condescending.

[AngelaS]

Oh my, what exactly does that mean, A?

To OP, I feel like you do about th makeup. My dd takes dance at a rec center so I don't foresee her needing to wear makeup. If I find out otherwise, I'll bill it as costume like pp's mentioned. My dd does like to put my make up on but it's more a dress up thing done occasionally.

I have taken issue with her teacher telling 3-5 yo girls to turn and shake their bottoms at the audience. It seemed like an afterthought and I don't see it as necessary or healthy.

Having been to my share of dance recitals, I've been quite shocked by the amount of makeup on the little kids but that doesn't compare w/the style of dancing the older girls do or the costumes that the big girls wear. As my BIL once said during a recital, "Wow, they look just like the girls downtown at the 'gentleman's club'." (and he would've known...he was that kind of guy).

(And why do they call them gentlemen's clubs? Do real gentlemen go there?? I don't think so. )

[JustMe]

Good to hear your update. Sorry to hear you had to deal with some rudeness, but I am glad your dd will get to do the recital and you will not "have" to put make-up on her! I am also glad that someone stood up to them. They need to know that not all parents would accept that.

[brittone2]

I'm glad it worked out. I remember having makeup on (blush and maybe a tiny bit of eyeshadow?) when I danced as a little kid. It was a fun thing to do for a day.

However, I would be very annoyed if someone told me I *had* to put makeup on my DD. I think a dance teacher saying "be aware that stage lighting may wash out facial features, etc. A little bit of tasteful makeup may help minimize this if you so choose" would be okay. Demanding that all parents put full makeup on a young child is IMO very inappropriate.