MIL in Labor room... What do i DO!!!

[kellyd]

Ok, let me start out by saying I am VERY close to my MIL. She is a wonderful, caring, kind person! So not the adjectives used to describe many MIL's out there. However I still don't want her in L&D w/ us. I thought we had covered this FOREVER Ago by telling her we were good with her coming in while laboring for short periods of time. but the majority of our labor we want to be us, and the doula, she would be in the waiting room if she needs to be in the hospital at all. Period end of story!!! Come to find out she still thinks she's going to be there for the entirety just because she's been there done that w/ several sister in laws. She thinks her son can't possibly get through this w/o her. I say her son is a lot stronger than he's being given credit for, and of course now he's starting to doubt his own abilities because she's saying how SHE thinks he'll react.

No way no how I'm sorry not happening! But how do I explain that w/o completely crushing her. I really don't want to hurt her feelings. But I also don't want to sacrafice my vision, and wants for my own labor for her. Dh is totally on board w/ me btw. He and I have BOTH discussed this with her, both together and seperately. It's just like now she's forgotten!

Also, we're not due until July... so this means I have months to stress about this situation, because well... that's just the type of person I am.

[almostsane]

:hug: So sorry you are having to go through this.:hug:
My MIL is/was thinking the same thing. She stayed in the delivery room right up until the OB ran everyone out with my first DS. Then she stood outside the door and knocked to be let in after she could hear him crying. I finally asked the nurse to go tell her we would come get her when she could come in.

This time, she has mentioned to DH and me a couple of times that she would like to be in there. She didn't get to be in the room when her daughter gave birth, nor with our other SIL, but she thinks I might let her. DH told her that he really didn't think I would go for that. You know what? HE IS RIGHT.

You might just gently talk to your MIL and tell her that the birth of your child is a very private time. That you don't want everyone in there seeing your WOOHOO and that maybe she could come in just after the baby is born. If that doesn't work, you can always tell the nurse to ask her to leave. They are used to dealing with that kind of stuff.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Your dh should let her know kindly but firmly under what circumstances you want her there, if at all *esp.* if you're planning an unmedicated birth. You'll lose your modesty without realizing it--not a good thing for a modest person.

My mom showed up to the birth center for dd's birth. DH had to kick her out. She knew full well she wasnt' invited and showed up anyway. I didn't call her with ds until after the birth. It wasn't worth my sanity.

My SIL had twins last week and my MIL called and sounded a bit arrogant when she said, "Oh, we're just here in the room talking." So not my cup of tea during childbirth.:ROTFLMAO:

[SnuggleBuggles]

For me the birth is a totally private event that I only want to share with my dh. Luckily family was supportive of that POV. If they weren't, I might be tempted to forget to call. :) Of all the times in life that you could legitimately be too distracted it would be during labor.

The nurses are supposed to be great about kicking people out for you. I know one mom said that if she asked the nurse for some green jell-o that was the code for "kick these people out!" They play the bad guy for you.

GL! It would be best if you and your dh just tell her that you are well prepared for the birth, have a doula that can help guide dh and that you appreciate her offer.

Beth

[Melarina]

This is such a personal decision. We didn't even have anyone at the hospital until after DD was born - it was just me and DH - and for us, that was the right choice. It really depends on what you want, and since you are the one having the baby, you should be able to make the rules! It shouldn't matter what other people want - you have the baby, you get to choose the circumstances, along with your DH. It is great that he is supportive. Let us know how this works out.

[geochick]

We told our nurse (privately) who we wanted in there the whole time and who we only wanted in there for a few minutes. She took care of it. She told the extended family that she needed me to concentrate and relax, and that she'd appreciate it if only my mom and my dh were in the room. She went for them and told them they would have a 5 minute visit from time to time. Tell your nurse from the get-go what you want. Ash him/her to help you out. Your doula should be able to handle this too. Talk to him/her about it now.

[EXPECTINGMAY]

Geeze, I hadn't even thought about MIL wanting to be there. We didn't talk about it yet & I am due 2 mos from today!!! I hope she doesn't want to be in labor room for more than 10 min @ a time. I would honestly only want my DH, mom, sister & oldest niece in there for long periods of time.

I would be quite firm w/your husband about making it clear to MIL that childbirth is very private & that you may not be comfortable having people in there continuosly. I am very much like you where I will stress over things to the point of exhaustion & honestly it's usually a waste of energy and sanity b/c things usually work themselves out.

GOOD LUCK:)

[jgriffin]

It is really hard to know how you (or your husband) will react until you're actually there, but I think you'll find you will both be a lot stronger than you could imagine. It's your l&d, so it is completely up to you to decide who you want to be there. I agree with the other posters in asking help from the nurses/midwives if it's still a problem that day. I would just keep being firm about your feelings and wishes whenever the topic comes up (which, hopefully for your sanity/stress level, won't happen too often before you're due!)

GL!

[bubbaray]

She thinks her son can't possibly get through this w/o her.


Um, what is there for *him* to get through? You're the one who's PG and you're the one who either pushes the baby out or has the c/s....

If she's not there to help YOU "get through" the labour, then she shouldn't be there or should be there only briefly.

JMHO

[elektra]

Jeez. I am like you in that I also have a MIL who is wonderful. However, there is no way I would want her or even my own mother in the room. Stay strong! You deserve to have whatever you want that day. I would probably just talk to my husband and come up with a response for the next time she mentions the delivery room. Then just tell her, in whatever way you and DH designed your response to be.
And then I would just try not to worry about it until your delivery comes. I think it should be up to your DH, and then the nurses if need be, to regulate on that day, and kindly let everyone know they need to stay out.

[katydid1971]

Have you thought of not calling her until after the baby comes? If you don't need her to babysit another DC or anything I don't see why you can not just "forget" to call her. "In all the excitement we didn't call from home and they wouldn't let us use the cell once we were at the hospital." I know everyone has different wants and needs when they are giving birth but I am happy that it has only been DH and I at that moment, its the kind of thing that you two can share and it will always be special to you both. BTW my SIL and her DH didn't have anyone in their room for a whole hour after giving birth. They wouldn't let in her sister or her mother and noone knew if it was a boy or girl until they let people in. They loved having an hour and just Mommy, Daddy and Baby time. I think that is such a cool idea I tell all my PG friends about it and a couple have put it into their birth plans. Its like the only thing in my birth plan. :) Oh and my DH is a total wimp with blood and stuff and he had no problem "getting through" labor, remember YOUR the one in pain, NOT him!!!!!! It should be the birth experience YOU want not you MIL.

[ritacheetah]

I'd sick the doula on her. Isn't that one thing they are there for? Kind of a "patient advocate?" She could just tell her "now is not a good time" or whatever?

Good luck. It's great that you are close you your MIL. I can't think of one person I'd want around less than my MIL. In fact, she was visiting (so she could watch DD1) when my water broke. My contractions didn't start until RIGHT after MIL went to bed. Go figure...

[KBecks]

I think you need to tell her that you know she is excited and appreciate her support and attention, but you want privacy for the birth.

(Invite her to be at the hospital and if it's too much for your DH he can leave the room or go sit in the corner for a minute.)

Tell her she's welcome to wait in a waiting area at the hospital and you'll be happy for her to see the baby as soon as possible (meaning as soon as you feel comfortable and settled) and tell her she's going to be a wonderful grandma and that you are so happy that you are family.

Best wishes and good luck! If she's a great person she'll totally understand and not bug you. But you need to be clear in communicating what you need.

[Clarity]

I like Karen's suggestion. It's caring, but firm. You shouldn't be stressing about this at all. This is YOUR birth - what you say goes. If dh doesn't like it...he can wait out in the hall with his mother.

[Davids-Coco]

From someone with MIL issues... Have someone else do it, and not your DH... they are wimps. The nursing staff and doula are there for you. If you have to, then have them remove her with after 5 minutes or what not. But, this is about you.

Mine actually wasn't allowed at the hospital at all. So I understand. Just set out the rules in advance and tell your doula ahead of time.

[candybomiller]

Blame it on your doctor. They're used to it.

[brittone2]

Be respectful but firm. I always felt like it was something for just DH and me, and I never invited MIL or my mom directly into the room. With DS, my delivery went quite fast so I just called my parents when labor started (they were dog sitting for me), and then when DS arrived. They came an hour or so later, which I was fine with. MIL and SIL came that evening.

With DD, I invited my parents along to the birth center (delivered at a hospital w/ DS). I considered having my mom in-room, but in the end things went quickly and she wasn't there until DD arrived. My parents did hang out at the birth center with DS, and came in minutes after DD arrived. That was what I was comfortable with.

If we ever have a 3rd, I might consider having my own mom in room. MIL would never want to and I wouldn't be comfortable with that even if she wanted to LOL.

I have major issues w/ my ILs. It has gotten better, but DS and DD are the first grandkids in their family, so they've had issues w/ overstepping boundaries many times. My parents have many other grandkids, so I think they have learned a lot about when to back off ;)

I find sometimes it is necessary to draw firm boundaries with MIL. Polite, but firm. If you don't start with this, IMO, you could be opening up a can of worms for once DC arrives. Hopefully she's the type of MIL that will respect those boundaries and things will be smooth sailing. Birth is so personal and such an intimate experience...I don't think you should feel obligated to share that experience w/ anyone other than your DH.

I got along pretty well with my MIL until my kids came into the picture. She stirs up my inner mama bear ;) IMO setting boundaries in a polite fashion is paving the way toward a healthy inlaw/grandparent situation in the future.

[babystuffbuff]

BTW my SIL and her DH didn't have anyone in their room for a whole hour after giving birth. They wouldn't let in her sister or her mother and noone knew if it was a boy or girl until they let people in. They loved having an hour and just Mommy, Daddy and Baby time.

That is *wonderful*. What a special time to just bond as a new family.

I agree with Karen's suggestion - make your wishes clear, but also emphasize how much you love and appreciate your MIL. I am the same way, I adore my MIL and she is a wonderful mom and grandma but there is no way I would want her in the room with me during labor. I wouldn't even want my own mom there (and she's the one who'd raise more of a stink about being kicked out!).

Good luck! :)

[JillSP]

My MIL is wonderful, a PNP, and I believe she has been there for the births of almost all of the other grandchildren expect for mine.

The issue was never even discussed because she is very laid back and I think her attitude is that if someone wants her there, she will be there, but she doesn't "have" to be there. With my first though, I did have some concern that she might expect to be there, so I always joked that unless you need to be there for medical reasons, if you weren't there for conception you don't get to be there for the birth.

I really don't understand this whole thing about having grandparents in the delivery room. If the mom affirmatively wants someone there for support, that is one thing, but this whole idea of turning labor and delivery into a spectator event is just something I can't get my head around.

If you don't want her in the delivery room, I would tell her this. No sane person would think you were being unreasonable. Indeed, if she throws a fit, I might ask her if her mother or MIL attended any of her deliveries.

[ahrimie]

i've heard of moms not calling their moms or MIL until after the baby was born ;)

i thought it was weird when i first heard of it... but now that i'm preggo with my first, i totally understand the need and want of a private moment or two.

[hillview]

I think I would let MIL know ahead of time so she has reasonable expectations and so that you aren't stressing. Depending on your relationship you or DH could tell her (or SIL or someone like that) that you are so excited she will be at the hospital (if this is what you want) and that you know you are super crazy for planning so far ahead but this is what you are thinking would would best, she can come in when you are laboring early on assuming there are no issues etc. and then once you are starting to be in pain you really just want DH and doula there as that will keep you able to focus etc. I would make it all about you and not at all about her if you KWIM. Then once you have the baby doula or DH will rush to go get her (ish) :)
/hillary

[deborah_r]

To offer a slightly different perspective...I never would have thought I would want any other family besides DH in the delivery room with me, but with my second DS, circumstances just kind of worked out that my mother-in-law was there and DH and I discussed and asked her if she wanted to stay. I am so glad I could give her that gift, because I know she was just so incredibly happy to be there. She said she had given birth 4 times, but that this was totally different. This was a VBAC for me, so I was just so happy not to be having a c-section, I really didn't care who was there!

I actually had read on a message board a couple weeks prior when someone was discussing this very issue, and someone said "why wouldn't you want to share such a special gift with someone if you could?" It kind of changed my thinking on it, and I am glad that it did.

But to the OP, if you are sure you do not want her there, I think the other posters have given you plenty of advice so it should work out. Good luck!

[Tondi G]

With my 1st I didn't want my MIL is the room either..... that was until we were a the hospital and I was working through contractions. My Dad actually arrived when I was just getting ready to push and he was the one person I couldn't handle having in there. He waited outside and it ended up being... DH, My mom, My sister, my best friend, and MIL in the room. It could have been in a freakin classroom at that point... I could have care less... I just wanted the child OUT!

With my 2nd it almost felt wierd just DH and I and the doctor and nurse. BUt it was a lot laster and family was there not long after DS arrived!

Hope you can get through to your MIL if it is truly what you want!

~Tondi

[lisams]

I would just tell her in a kind and gentle way that it'll just be you and DH in the labor room during delivery. Then tell her where you would love to have her involved: I'd love for you to be the first grandparent to hold baby, I'd love for you to stop by during early labor to bring food for DH, I'd love for you to be the one to call the rest of the family to share the wonderful news, I'd love for you to come to the hospital when we're checking out so you can watch over the baby while we do all the paperwork, etc! As long as she knows she's wanted and needed and involved somewhere, I'm guessing she'll take it OK.

Sounds like you have a gem of a MIL - maybe make sure she knows how lucky you feel to help smooth things over.

[geochick]

Another thought...

Have your dh do all of this. It's totally his responsibility! Have him tell his mother than he and you aren't sure yet how you'll respond to labor. You're having second thoughts about people in the room. Have him tell her that she and your mom or whoever are welcome to wait in the waiting room, and you'll send the doula for her when you think you can handle it, but it will probably only be for a few minutes. That way, she knows from the get go that she's invited to the waiting room - not for a front row seat!

Don't you worry another second about it. Tell dh what he needs to tell his mommy. If he can't handle that much, too bad. Have the doula stand at the door. You're the pregnant one, now go put your feet up and have a chocolate! MILs need to be told bluntly sometimes...by their sons.

[kedss]

I know I wouldn't want my MIL in there, either. :)

But my mom was there with us when DS was born, and we asked her to be there, he is her first grandchild, and our relationship was never great, but we knew it would mean a lot to her, and she is a doc, so it was great she was there. Our relationship is much better now, by the way, LOL. ;)

I think you should make it plain to her what your feelings are, and do it soon, so you don't have to stress about it.

big hugs

[citymama]

Poor you. My MIL was at the other end of the country when my DD was born, but my mom was staying with us to help out after the birth. She did so much for us during that time, and was with my sister during her labor. In short, I didn't have the heart to tell her she couldn't be with me when I was in labor. I wished I had done differently. The most stressful part of my labor was not the dropping blood pressure or unmedicated labor, but having my mom worrying all the time, pushing me to go to the hospital before I was ready, pressuring me to get an epidural, calling people with horror stories about my labor (yes mom, contractions without an epidural are painful - that's really not a horror story - but I don't regret it for a moment!). Arrrh. That said, my mom was a saint during the weeks after DD's birth and did SO SO much for us; I'm forever grateful to her for it!

If my mom or MIL or anyone besides my DH wants to be with me during labor the next time (if there is a next time) - FORGET IT. I'm going to make that abundantly clear. If it's hard for you, let your DH talk to his mom - consider it his labor pains! Good luck!

[Melanie]

Don't call her until after baby arrives. ;)

[Melanie]

I actually had read on a message board a couple weeks prior when someone was discussing this very issue, and someone said "why wouldn't you want to share such a special gift with someone if you could?" It kind of changed my thinking on it, and I am glad that it did.


Because there are some people who would negatively affect the new parents just by being there, and first and foremost it is their and their baby's experience. I'm glad yours did not, but that's my answer to the message board's question. :)

ETA: To clarify the only family that arrived in time for Ds' birth was MIL, but she waited in the waiting room content to be the first person to see Ds after us. Then when he went to NICU she came into labor room to stay with me. She commented she can't believe they hadn't cleaned up the floor yet or whatever. *eyeroll* They were about to move me to my more permanent room and I'm SURE they'd clean it after. Let's just say it reaffirmed our decision that she wait outside. I wouldn't have wanted my mom to be there to have to see me in pain, but I guess that is for a different reason. Plus she's not into the whole 'birth' thing and finds it gross that Television depicts it at all. LOL. She did end up being at Dd's waterbirth so she could take the photos, from far across the room. LOL. MIL was not invited to visit until we were home.

[niccig]

My parents were in and out of the room, and I made them leave for all exams, epidural etc. At first, I didn't want my mother back in there for the active labour, but she came back in when I started to push, and I was annoyed at first. But then she helped DH hold me up and that was easier for me. So, I was glad that she did come back in. She left before DS was born, so it was just DH and I for that. It worked out fine that way. She came back in as soon as she could, and I didn't mind that as we had discussed that she would stay with me and DH with DS if they needed to take him anywhere. They didn't, so we were all in the room. My Dad waited until the dr. was finished with me before he came back in.

I would work out what you want before hand, and let all parties know, especially the doula and nurse as they can run interference if need be.

[hellokitty]

Just don't call her until you've had the baby. Make her the first person on your list to call and make sure she knows that, since it does sound like she is close to you. The problem is that moms and mils sometimes get so excited about wanting to be there for the actual birth, they can be really sneaky if you call them before the baby has arrived.

My mom was there for my first birth, she got there an hr before my so was born and I was fine with that, she had her midwife license when she was a nurse in another country, so it's not anything she had not seen before and well, I don't feel the need to be that modest in front of my mom... she's seen it all, kwim? My mil on the other hand is a whack job and kept bugging me YEARS before I even thought about having children that she wanted to be present for the birth. FTR, I can't stand my mil and I'd rather have a stranger present than my mil present for a birth, b/c that's how much I can't stand her (she's the type that would make some nasty comment about how she can't believe I was all sweaty or something while giving birth). Anyway, when I finally arrived at the hospital, I was about 4cm dilated, my stupid DH wanted to call his mom to let her know I was in labor. I kept telling him that I did not want him to call her until AFTER the baby was born, but he insisted. My mil and fil were both at work that day, so I figured, well, at least they won't show up until after work. It turns out that my mil and fil both somehow got excused from work early, so they could see their grand baby. They arrived within 45 min of me having my son! I was pretty mortified, b/c that was pretty close (they live an hr away). I did not even get a chance to get settled into my room, they showed up before the nurses had even had a chance to move me into the postpartum room (yes, our maternity ward is outdated). I was exhausted and looked and felt like crap, and there were mil and fil with their hands out, wanting to hold the baby. I did think it was kind of funny though, b/c the nurses had my baby in the nursery to weigh him and clean him up, etc., so they ended up having to wait. However, in the meantime, my mil proceeded to annoy me, not give me any privacy (I would have thought that she'd get the hint that when I needed to pee behind a curtain it was her cue to step into the hallway), picked an argument with me about my choice not to circ my son and then would not leave until my parents came (my dad couldn't come until after he got off from work, I had the baby around 1:30pm, my parents didn't get there until 8 pm, I was stuck with mil in my room for almost six hours by myself!), so she hung around ALL day and complained about my parents being too slow to get there (GRRRRRR!). It was so annoying and I probably should have went off on her over being so inconsiderate. Worse yet, they would not leave the room when I was trying to BF my son for the first time and it was a very unsettling experience to have my mil two inches from my face telling me, "you're not doing it right," yet she offered no useful advice (she bf'd two babies). When I had my second son, I threw it in my DH's face about what a horrible experience it was that his mom tried to be sneaky and make it for the birth, and then proceeded to annoy the crap out of me, so he waited until a few hrs after I had the baby to call them to give me a chance to regroup and enjoy my baby! It went so much better the second time around.

So, my advice would be, just NOT to call your mil (or any other family members you don't want there) until AFTER the baby has already arrived, and depending on how far away they are from the hospital, you may want to give yourself some time to rest before getting a slew of visitors. I also agree with the other poster about your mil being worried about helping her son through this. When your DH has to push an 8 lb baby through his penis, then I would say, "yes, mil, you can be there to be help him through it."

[kellyd]

WOW! What awesome advice!!!! I do want to add that I think I would feel differently if my own mom was able to be there. I lost my mom almost 7 years ago. Baby is actually due two weeks before what would have been her 51st b-day. If my mom was still around I probably wouldn't care. But honestly... she's not and at a moment when I know I will WANT my mom I don't want MIL horning in... kwim? There are times when I feel like she's trying to take my mom's place, and that's not something I can handle. My own mom knew how to handle me when I was stressed, and in pain. My DH knows how to handle that situation. My MIL... she can handle her boys... doesn't really know the first thing about what to do w/ me. It's also really important to me that my grandmother be the first other than DH and I to hold the baby because she was the first to hold me so this is as close as I'll ever get to my mom having a first w/ the baby. MIL will be there for so many things in baby's life, we only live 10 minutes apart so she'll have all KINDS of baby time, whereas my gram and my whole family live over an hour away and don't do a whole lot of visiting.

Last Feb I had outpatient surgery to remove some cysts. MIL was invited along to keep DH occupied, before the surgery when they let themcome back... what she was saying did NOTHING to help calm me. I know labor will be no different as far as her ability to keep me calm. She's the type who has to know and share w/ all involved EXACTLY what is going on... I'm the type that if I have questions I ask, but just leave me to deal w/ what's going on in my own head!!! Don't volunteer your own experiences because we're two different people so they are different and I don't wanna hear it.

I don't know... I think I'm just stressing over things that don't need stressed over at this point. Does any of this even make any sense?

[elektra]

Perfect sense!
I posted earlier about just telling her she can't come in. However, not calling her will totally work too.
My labor actually went so quickly once we got to the hospital (I labored at home as long as I could), that DH honestly did not have time to make calls. I think he called our parents right before it was time for me to push, no sooner.

[niccig]

It makes total sense. And you just wrote how you want it to be. You want YOUR grandmother as your mum can't be there. So that's what you tell DH, MIL, doula, nurses etc. And make it very clear that you will be VERY angry if anyone muscles in on your grandmother.

I would sit MIL down and tell her now, if she's disappointed, you can say you understand, and then REMIND her of your mother. Something like you know she'll be excited etc, but as you mum isn't there to experience it, you will take the first few minutes with just your grandmother so the two of you and baby can remember your mum, and then other family will be allowed into the room. I would also do it, rather than rely on DH as he might not be as straight forward with his own mother.

[tarabenet]

I was once told by a Hypno-Birthing trainer that each additional person in the labor room extends the labor time by at least 30 minutes.

I have no idea where this info came from or how reliable it is. It could be a total load of crap. But who cares? I say use it. You have now read it at a parenting site on the internet. LOL!

If you don't want her in there, stand your ground! This is not something she gets to decide, no matter what her other DIL experiences may be. It isn't even something DH gets to decide. You are the only one who has the right to say what extra people will be around while you go through this intense and deeply personal experience.

[o_mom]

One other thing is to let the nurses be the bad guys. At our hospital I had to sign a consent form listing every person I wanted present for the birth, even DH - if you aren't on the list, you don't come in. Additionally, HIPPA prevents them from even telling her you are a patient there unless you sign consent. If she calls, they will have no record of you being there without that consent. Afterward, just say 'Oh, we were so busy we didn't have time to call'.

FTR - I wanted nobody I knew except DH there.

[lizajane]

i am sorry. i know this is a really hard situation. i realize you will risk awkward-ness, but this is not an area to mess around. you need to flat our tell her. you have to do it. DH won't. don't count on him. (at least, my DH wouldn't do it.) tell her in a very polite but VERY firm way... "i think we have had a misunderstanding and i want to be sure we clear it up before the baby comes. i would really like for you to come see us in the hospital, but i feel like i need to be completely honest with you because you are very special to me and i know we can talk to each other frankly. i really want the birth experience to be for me and DH only. i realize this is different from our other family members experiences, but i feel strongly about having our baby together, just the two of us and our medical team. i have always imagined it that way- just me and DH- as the baby enters the world. not to mention the embarrassing parts of labor that i can't even imagine yet! i know you would love to be there and i would never want to hurt you. but i need to be sure that communicate my feelings to you now so that there isn't any confusion later."

[lizajane]

I actually had read on a message board a couple weeks prior when someone was discussing this very issue, and someone said "why wouldn't you want to share such a special gift with someone if you could?" It kind of changed my thinking on it, and I am glad that it did.


as another poster said, this is a beautiful sentiment. but in this situation, there is not a gift available to anyone but me and DH. my sister was so in love with her baby, she could hardly stand to let go of him to let other people hold him! i was bummed, becuase i wanted more of him, but it was HER baby and SHE got to decide. and that is how i feel about labor and delivery. i didn't want ANYONE i knew except DH in the room. dr, nurse, anyone else from the hospital, fine. but this event was about US and OUR baby. i did not want anyone taking DH's attention away from me and baby. i didn't want anyone saying things that would annoy me. i didn't want anyone up in my bits and pieces that we all exposed but DH. i wanted this event for ME and DH and that is all. the end. period. and my births, prior to the epidural, were extremely painful. having someone else around would have seriously driven me off the edge.

[saschalicks]

I know you've gotten some amazing advice but let me just say it simply.

Your baby your rules! You cannot and should not let another person's expectations of what it should be like for you cloud how you want it to happen.

DH & I were very clear. You can beint he labor room while I'm laboring, but once it's time to push EVERYONE out! That's what we wanted and that was that.

I think if you very nicely let her know what you want then you have nothnig to worry about. GL!

[s7714]

I'd find out what your hospital, doctor and doula's opinions are before saying anything else to your MIL. Some places don't allow more than a certain number of people in the room with you during delivery to begin with. (And even if they don't have such a restriction, there no reason you can't tell your MIL they do.) Both my hospital and doctors said they wouldn't allow any more than two friends/family members in the room during delivery.

[deborah_r]

as another poster said, this is a beautiful sentiment. but in this situation, there is not a gift available to anyone but me and DH. my sister was so in love with her baby, she could hardly stand to let go of him to let other people hold him! i was bummed, becuase i wanted more of him, but it was HER baby and SHE got to decide. and that is how i feel about labor and delivery. i didn't want ANYONE i knew except DH in the room. dr, nurse, anyone else from the hospital, fine. but this event was about US and OUR baby. i did not want anyone taking DH's attention away from me and baby. i didn't want anyone saying things that would annoy me. i didn't want anyone up in my bits and pieces that we all exposed but DH. i wanted this event for ME and DH and that is all. the end. period. and my births, prior to the epidural, were extremely painful. having someone else around would have seriously driven me off the edge.

Yep, I know. I'm not saying everyone should let anyone who wants to come and watch them give birth...I was just glad I had read that and opened my mind to it a bit, because it worked out fine **for us**. We were not bothered by my MIL's presence - if we thought we would be, we would not have invited her to stay! My MIL does so much for us, I was happy in **our situation** that DH and I were able to give her that experience.

With 25 or so responses of how to keep her MIL out, I thought I might throw in our story for a diffeent perspective (others offered their stories of how they kept people away, besides just giving specifics about what the OP should do).

[purpleeyes]

WOW! What awesome advice!!!! I do want to add that I think I would feel differently if my own mom was able to be there. I lost my mom almost 7 years ago. Baby is actually due two weeks before what would have been her 51st b-day. If my mom was still around I probably wouldn't care. But honestly... she's not and at a moment when I know I will WANT my mom I don't want MIL horning in... kwim? There are times when I feel like she's trying to take my mom's place, and that's not something I can handle. My own mom knew how to handle me when I was stressed, and in pain. My DH knows how to handle that situation. My MIL... she can handle her boys... doesn't really know the first thing about what to do w/ me. It's also really important to me that my grandmother be the first other than DH and I to hold the baby because she was the first to hold me so this is as close as I'll ever get to my mom having a first w/ the baby.

Oh my gosh, this just JUMPS out at me, first, I am so sorry for your loss. :hug:
Reading your post, I really hear how important it is for you have family time, alone without her. You truly NEED, not just want that...
I say that someone needs to communicate with her in no uncertain terms that she cannot be there until YOU say it is ok. If your DH won't do it, then you may need to, but it will be SO worth it during/after the labor, it will be worth any feelings of discomfort right now.
Good luck!! Please keep us posted.

[DrSally]

That's tough considering that you do have a great relationship with her. I guess she heard what she wanted to and assumed being in there "a little bit" means as long as she wants, which is the whole time. I would try to find the most tactful way you can to let her know your wishes clearly. You don't want to do something you're not comfortable with for YOUR L&D. Also, let the nurses know and they can play bad cop if she still doesn't get it during the actual event. You don't want the added stress during the actual delivery.

[squimp]

The way I see it is that the birth is perhaps the first of the many, many times that you as a parent have to step up and make the right decision for your family. So gently tell her that you would love for her to be waiting outside and that she will be one of the first to see your child, but please let you go through the birth with your DH and grandmother.

I am so sorry about your mom.

[Ceepa]

My blood pressure is spiking just reading everyone's experiences with ILs. We didn't want anyone with us when DC were being born. Definitely no one during delivery except DH. In fact, our families live out of state and we didn't have any of them visit us until a week later.

Maybe give MIL a special task like being the one to call other friends or family from the hospital once the baby has arrived? Something "official" without being in the deliveryroom.

[cvanbrunt]

WOW! What awesome advice!!!! I do want to add that I think I would feel differently if my own mom was able to be there. I lost my mom almost 7 years ago. Baby is actually due two weeks before what would have been her 51st b-day. If my mom was still around I probably wouldn't care. But honestly... she's not and at a moment when I know I will WANT my mom I don't want MIL horning in... kwim?

Unfortunately, I do know you mean. My wonderful mother and my niece and nephew's amazing grandmother died 6 months after DD#1 was born. As a matter of fact, she died two years ago today (I just noticed that). When DD#2 was born, I thought it might be a bittersweet event and it really was. I was surprised how hard it was for me in the days after the birth when it became so real to me that Lucy was never going to know her grandma. Thankfully, my ILs are not really involved in our lives so they weren't an issue. But it was a really a special time when my dad met his second granddaughter. It will be for your grandmother as well. You can't worry about MIL feelings that day because you and DH will need to be taking care of your well-being.
I don't mean to be Debbie Downer because the joy of the event outweighed the sadness, easily. But there were tough moments. So really, wait to call MIL until you, hubby, and grandma have had the time you need together.

[mom2chloe]

The way I see it is that the birth is perhaps the first of the many, many times that you as a parent have to step up and make the right decision for your family.

I think this says it all. Doesn't matter if it's your parents or strangers... as a parent, you have the right, privilege, and obligation to make the right decisions for YOUR family.

[rlu]

With my 1st I didn't want my MIL is the room either..... that was until we were a the hospital and I was working through contractions. My Dad actually arrived when I was just getting ready to push and he was the one person I couldn't handle having in there. He waited outside and it ended up being... DH, My mom, My sister, my best friend, and MIL in the room. It could have been in a freakin classroom at that point... I could have care less... I just wanted the child OUT!

With my 2nd it almost felt wierd just DH and I and the doctor and nurse. BUt it was a lot laster and family was there not long after DS arrived!

Hope you can get through to your MIL if it is truly what you want!

~Tondi

I had planned to just have DH in the room with me but ended up with DH, my mom and dad(!) and MIL in the room. Frankly, all I cared about at that point was to just get DS out safely. My folks and MIL stayed out of the way, just hung out (I think my dad almost passed out, not where he wanted to be but couldn't get out in time).

It's totally up to you, just adding my .02 since it went so much better than I thought it would.

[mommy111]

Don't stress, if you're getting a doula, that's what the doula is there for. Strict no MIL instructions. Otherwise, make a birth plan, discuss with your OB, make sure the nurses know and they will hustle everyone out of the room. And I would indulge in a little bit of strategic forgetting, there's no way MIL knows about the labor unless you tell her, right? And if DH is on-board, whose to tell.

[DarcyD]

I would say stick with what you want, but be as diplomatic as possible.
My MIL was there for the birth but stayed in waiting room, as requested. I'm just not that close to her, and really didn't want anyone in there! But I guess she was really sensitive about it, and when I later asked her to leave whenever I was trying to breastfeed (no one else in my family had ever done it), she got really upset! She didn't seem to understand that I needed privacy and quiet, and chewed me out while I was still recovering in the hospital from an emergency C.
Needless to say, this did HUGE damage to our relationship that has taken years to fix (still not 100%).
So, just make very sure that you make clear what you want repeatedly and long before you go into labor. Another good idea is to have your husband really pushing this, saying that he really wants to be just with you, he's capapble...etc. If it comes mostly from him, she'll forgive it a lot faster than with a DIL. Also easier if you have same rules for both sets of grandparents.
BUt STICK TO YOUR GUNS!!!! This day needs to be what you want.