How do you channel your DC's anger?

[supercalifragilous]

We need to find a way to channel DD's anger; she doesn't deal with it very well but I don't want her to bottle it up, either. She's almost 5 y/o.

Last night, she got mad at DH and ripped up her book. (Thank God it wasn't a library book, but still...) Plus she holds grudges for a really long time - there's been many a time she's gone to bed super angry b/c I refused to give her a Band-Aid/glass of water/read another book while she's stalling to get to bed. We have a pretty strict routine so I don't know where all of this is coming from.

I'm at a loss at what to do. I probably can't control her going to bed angry/holding grudges aside from sticking to the routine we always do, but I'm worried this will spill over into other things, like school. Also, I'm glad she's not holding in her anger, but how do you teach them to channel it?

[brittone2]

Ideas I've read/heard or tried personally:
angry dance-big motions to get out big feelings

depending on your comfort level, stomping feet, jumping up and down, etc. (some kids IMO really need that physical release...they just need it. So gearing it toward a more appropriate form is at least a step in the right direction, and as they get older I'd gradually focus on alternatives)

draw a picture about how angry you are

Comfort corner (ideally learning to anticipate a meltdown before it happens and teaching DC to go their own their own). www.gentlechristianmothers.com has a sticky on their gentle discipline board about this I believe.

I wouldn't worry about her being upset because you drew a boundary. I think that can be normal and healthy. I don't think you can stop her from having big feelings.

I'm not sure if that is what you are looking for? I am sure the GCM website would have more suggestions. I haven't been there in a long time, but that site has so many ideas.

I also highly recommend introducing ideas from books like Playful Parenting (maybe verbal play...like saying "I'm so angry I could stomp on a giraffe!). Modeling this kind of stuff might be helpful.

I think some kids respond better to physical alternatives, some to having more words. We do a lot of reflecting feelings and just letting DS get out his upset rather than trying to stop him from crying. "It is hard when we can't xyz. You really wanted to. You feel disappointed." Helping them label their emotions is a valuable lesson IMO.

Also giving them what they want in fantasy. This works pretty well with DS at times. He may still cry, but I think it honors his feelings and makes the upset a little more tolerable. Let's say we are driving by the local ice cream shop. DS wants ice cream. We tell him not tonight. He cries. We do a lot of "when we go next time, what flavor will you get? What kind of cone?" We then might do some silly talking, like what kinds of ice cream would be yummy together? What kinds would be icky if we mixed them together? What flavor do you think sister will like when she gets older? "

I'm not saying this stops him from being upset or crying, but it does seem to tone down the tantruming or tears sometimes.

[s_gosney]

We're having issues with this too and it's starting to freak me out. I just keep repeating to myself that this is normal and "this too shall pass." I think that Beth's ideas are great (as usual ;)). Some other things we do is talk a LOT about emotions and read books about them, etc. In fact, just the other day dd refered to "Glad Monster Sad Monster" when she was angry with me and said "I am the red monster! I want to hit you!" to which I replied "I can see you're really angry right now. I won't let you hit me. You can hit this pillow instead." and it actually worked! Who knew? :)
Also, I really like the book Dealing with Disappointment by Elizabeth Crary (sp?). I need to reread it as I think she has lots of good ideas. There are some very good threads at gcm on that book that would give you kind of the cliffs note version if you'd like to check those out.
Good luck!
Sherri

[lizajane]

we say a lot of things like, "it is ok to be angry, but that is not an ok way to show it."

so if schuyler is mad and he throws a toy, i tell him, "i understand that you are angry. but you cannot throw toys. throwing is not an acceptable way to show your anger. you may be angry and you may use your words to tell me that you are angry. but you cannot throw."

schuyler was upset about something on the playground the other day and he started to do something inappropriate (i can't remember what...) and i told him that what he was doing was not ok. then he started to madly run in circles. so i then cheered him on, letting him know that running (outside) was a GREAT way to let out what he was feeling.

you can also choose a item, like a stuffed toy, that she is allowed to bite or shake or "use" to get our her aggression.

we have not had to do anything like the anger toy, because anger is not really our "issue." ours is just maintaining body control, so when angry, we have to find ways to teach schuyler to control his body. but similar to your anger issues in that he has physical reactions to his emotions.