Have HAD IT w/ the MIL (long vent)

[kellyd]

I really don't know how much more I can take. My MIL is planning a HUGE (too huge imo) baby shower for me the first week of May. She's invited over 90 people which I think it TOTALLY nuts, but that's partly because she has a humongous and very close family. The problem with this in my book is that I am doing half the work, but not spending much money. I feel like a total spoiled brat for saying I shouldn't be doing any of this work... but that's how I feel.

So far done all the work for the invitations (bought, printed, assembled) she bought the stamps and mailed them
I designed the game books
chose the games
Chose all the food and will be helping to make some of it
Helped to pick all of the prizes for games that we've gotten so far, in a 5 hour long on my feet shopping trip w/ very few breaks - at the end of the day my feet were so swollen it was rediculous. I kept telling her we needed to stop and her remark at the end of it was... you're not going to make it to the end if you're like this already... NO LADY I just know when enough is enough so I don't get like this. It didn't help that I went for the 3 hr glucose test that morning so was crabby and tired already.
Wrapped all of the game gifts

Future plans for my involvement -
I have to finish helping her shop for game gifts
Wrap them
Make food the days before
Be there early to help set up (She's planning on it being a family bonding experience - her, her hubby, my dh and me)
Then I KNOW she's going to try to make me do clean up as well.

Every SINGLE time we go over there she finds something shower related for me to do. Yesterday I stopped for another invitation for my brothers fiancee and I was there for 3 hours - wrapping stuff and working on preparations

This shower is still 4 weeks away and I'm going to go NUTS before it happens.

I've tried to tell her I don't want to be involved this much she ignores it, DH has tried to tell her, she ignores him too.
Several of his aunts have offered to help her... she gives them piddly little jobs like make the brocoli salad or a jello desert and leaves all the big stuff for her and I.

I know DH is tired of hearing me complain about it, but he doesn't know what to do either. I was flipping out about it yesterday and we had a friend over... he tried to leave and DH said please don't leave me here w/ the cranky pregnant lady... it'll be over in a few minutes. Which actually made me laugh and then I was back to my normal cheerful self.

The day of my shower is going to be a LONG day - I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get through it w/o committing a crime. Hell I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get through it.

Please know I appreciate it if you've made it this far and please PLEASE know that I feel like an ungreatful wretch for even typing this. But I've ALSO been feeling like I'm going to explode!

[cdlamis]

Wow! You are not being ungrateful at all! A shower in your honor SHOULD be one of those times when you do nothing in preparation- especially a baby shower. I am so sorry that your MIL is making you do all this extra work -especially for 80 people. That is nuts!

Look at the positive side- you will get a ton of gifts! :)

Daniella

[sarahsthreads]

Wow, that sounds like a lot of work for your own shower that someone else (your MIL) is getting the credit for throwing. Does she have any other DCs, or is your DH her only? Because it almost seems like she's trying to have a mother/daughter type of experience. Then again, for all I know she has a dozen daughters of her own. ;)

And 90 people at my baby shower? I'd make DH go and stay home because the doctor advised me to limit my stress! :D

I guess I'm "lucky" in that I was on modified bedrest when both of my (small) showers happened with DD1, so I arrived at the party, sat in a chair, and had people bring me stuff all afternoon. And I was *still* exhausted by the time I got home. I think you and your DH need to sit down with your MIL and explain that you're very excited about the baby, and about the shower, and you really love that she wants your input and help, but she needs to take her sisters (the aunts) up on their offers to help a little more because you're getting too tired and stressed to enjoy it.

Good luck!
Sarah

[hbridge]

It sounds like you really need to slow down and get rid of some of this stress. Personally, I would just say you can't do so much and even "blame" the doctor if need be. Pick a few things that you think would be fun and that you would be okay doing and others just say that you can't due to exhaustion, swelling...whatever. This is a special time for you and your family, but you also need to take really good care of yourself and the baby. The stress that your MIL is inducing can't be good for either of you.

Good luck and try to enjoy these last months of pregnancy.

[elizabethkott]

Oh, you are SO not ungrateful, spoiled, or anything!!! The pregnant one's job is to sit back and gestate, for crying out loud! Certainly NOT running around for five hours with few breaks to go shopping for things that are not necessities.
I think your doctor has demanded that you slow down, or else wind up on bed rest the week of the shower. Now, we wouldn't want *that* to happen, now would we?
:D

[ritacheetah]

That's messed up. That's an insane amount of people for a baby shower. You shouldn't have to do anything but provide a list of people you want to invite and then show up. Make sure you put MIL to work after you have the baby. And hopefully with all those people you will have plenty of people offering to help - make sure you take them up on it and have them cook and clean for you afterwards!!

[KBecks]

Can you tell your doc and get put on bed rest? Seriously, you deserve a nap :)

[lizajane]

is she trying to spend time with you? like bonding time? i dunno. it sounds really weird to me that she has asked you to do ANY work for your own party. um, you are the guest of honor. you are supposed to SHOW UP not throw the party. it does sound like she wants to be with you in some way. that is my offical positive spin on her lunacy. :)

i think you REALLY need to say, "oh my gosh, i just HAVE to go lie down. i am dizzy and nauseated all of a sudden!!" next time she has an unaccceptable request.


oh- almost forgot- my MIL had a shower for me with 60 people and i was shocked!!! BUT, we got EVERYTHING we needed!!! there is a major silver lining, here. :)

[Ceepa]

You are not a spoiled brat. As the mother-to-be you do NOT need to "put in your time" setting up the shower. Sounds like it's more about a celebration for MIL and her grandbaby.

I'd get through this episode, but be certain that MIL doesn't start overstepping boundaries in the future. You are the mama. At this point I'd figure out your L&D plans. Be careful she doesn't invite herself and her closest friends/family to the hospital. :P

[lizajane]

double post

[kellyd]

Thank you all so much for your posts! and the validation that I'm not an ungreatful brat.

I think I'm going to have to call one of DH's aunts and beg for assistance. There has to be something that SOMEONE can do to stop her.

As far as bonding... it's a good excuse IF we didn't do things together ALL THE TIME!

Drawing of lines needs to happen. We had made it clear to her that she was welcome during labor but delivery is to be all about us PERIOD. Saturday when we were out she made a comment about being willing to hold my leg so I didn't have to hold them myself. I told her that wouldn't be necessary because the nurses and DH would be in there for that part. I doubt she heard me tho... selective hearing you know?

[firstbaby]

I would have to make some snarky comment like "I hope you help me this much when we throw you a birthday party" :)

[MontrealMum]

Wow, I've never heard of a shower that big. That's coming close to the numbers for many weddings even. And I've never heard of a shower where the mother-to-be has to help (and I'm the last of all my friends to have a baby, so I've heard it all) It's hard to guess motivations, and I'll give your MIL the benefit of the doubt - this *may* just be some super over-the-top bonding, but all this stress is not good for you, your relationship with DH, or your family in general. And now is when you're going to be getting sleep and rest - for the next 6 months at least. You're going to need it - stock up now.

You've had your DH talk to her, and she's ignoring other offers of help from her own sisters, so I agree with pp that you need to get subversive with her. You're having contractions, your sugar levels came back high, you have hypertension ;) ...read your pregnancy books, talk to your doc, and pick something! Just don't let the woman see you at the mall if you're supposed to be on "bed rest". And I would definitely plan your L&D and the first weeks home NOW with regards to who is allowed/invited to be where - it sounds like this is not a woman to respect boundaries, so you need to agree on them with your DH, set them, and be firm!

[maestramommy]

Just wanted to add to the chorus. You are NOT being a spoiled brat, esp. with all the work you doing! 90 people is insane. And her reply about you not making it to the end is just:32: I would just tell her flat out that you are too exhausted to keep this up, and if she pulls that same remark tell her you'll worry about THAT when the time comes, but for now you need to rest. End. Of. Story.

And I totally agree with pp about setting boundaries, esp. concerning L&D and anytime immediately postpartum.
ETA: I just saw your post about L&D. Since she "didn't hear" you, work it out with the nurses ahead of time that when the pushing starts, only Dh is allowed to stay.

[deborah_r]

I thought the only "job" the mom-to-be has concerning a baby shower is to show up.

I don't really get how a baby shower works though. It's always seemed to me that the mom-to-be isn't supposed to know about it or plan it or anything, but people always need to ask who to invite and stuff. I dunno, it's always confused me.

I don't think you are supposed to be the one putting in all this work. You're supposed to show up, open presents, eat, socialize and go home happy. Definitely no cleaning up afterward. Good luck!

[niccig]

Sounds like my mother, she has no boundaries and doesn't even ask. She'll just put things in your lap to do or say "we're doing such and such". Learn to say No and as loudly as you need to and keep saying it. It also helps if you already know what you want to do, as if there's a vacuum she'll expand to fill it. It's easier to say No, when you already have other things planned.

[kellyd]

I can't even believe that it gets better than what I've already vented about.

Today I called her and told her that a friend of ours was sending a present to her house since she wasn’t sure of our address. It is NOT a shower gift… Well she called to tell me she had gotten in, but has already hidden it and we can’t have it till the shower. Please tell me what gives her that right? I am so INCREDIBLY done. I hit my limit. I’m so stressed out and frazzled that I’m crying at work… This happened an hour ago and I'm still getting weepy over it. How is that a good thing.

It's times like this when I REALLY miss my mom. She'd NEVER let this be happening.

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug: Your Dh needs to put on his big boy pants and put his foot down with his mother. He must know some way of forcing her to listen. In the meantime, just focus on the baby, and think about how you will feel when you're finally holding him/her for the first time. :hug::hug:

[niccig]

You call her back and you tell her that the present is not a shower gift and you will be coming over after work to pick it up. No buts, no maybes. It's addressed to you, it's your package, you can open it anytime you want to.!

[Ceepa]

Whenever you are supposed to see MIL next (to drop off party supplies or meet for lunch) state clearly ahead of time that you will be picking up the gift your friend sent "as it is not a shower gift." This is a good time to practice speaking in absolute terms in a confident voice to MIL. It's a small hurdle, but it will give you some momentum.

(hugs)

[tnrnchick74]

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know FIRSTHAND about baby shower drama! But to have to WORK for oyur own shower is RIDICULOUS! You should be sitting in a chair with your feet up...NOT shopping for favors, etc!

And I TOTALLY agree with the others - now is the time to put your foot down about your MIL and her overstepping her boundaries. If your DH won't do it, you will have to. She should like a piece of work!

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

Send dh over to get the gift your friends sent, after all it's his mother. I also highly agree with the pp's about finding something to get you off the hook. Tell her you've developed high blood pressure,dialated just slightly and the doc wants you to take it easy. SOMETHING! Girl just pick something ;)

[karstmama]

here in eastern nc we don't play games at showers - not bridal, not baby.

so everyone has permission to say 'i want my shower like they do in eastern nc!'

that would have saved you a bit of effort! ;) anyway, hugs to you. my mama does the 'expand to fit' thing, too, but is a bit better than your mil at hearing 'no'.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Did you ever ask her if anyone threw her a baby shower? I'm thinking there's something driving this behavior. Do you have any ideas what it might be?

[kellyd]

The only thing behind this behavior is a total need to control and set limits for EVERYONE in her family. (not just the 4 immediate members but her brothers and sisters too) I never let her make the decisions for us, but do usually go along as long as it's not in direct conflict w/ something we want. But now, it's like she thinks I've gone soft in the brain since I'm pregnant and she is totally taking advantage of my not wanting to rock the boat. I have felt up to this point that she is HIS mom and as such his responsibility... He has a few days to figure out how to deal. Until then... I'm perpetually sleeping if she calls, and I am NOT calling her. Maybe by constantly telling her I'm asleep she'll get the picture that I'm overly exhausted... but I doubt it!

DH and I talked last night, I told him that he does NOT want me handling this... because it WILL be explosive. Since we're already going to have one explosive battle when we talk about labor and delivery and her lack of being involved. He's going to think on it and decide the best way to explain to her that she's got me doing too much. He thinks that she's under the impression that I'm enjoying all of this stuff we're doing... he's probably right, but why hasn't she bothered to ASK me instead of informing me w/ no hope of me getting out of it?

[maestramommy]

:bighand: Good for you! It's a beginning.

[kellyd]

So until we figure out how to deal with this DH came up w/ that I need to give him the high sign to get me out of there when enoughs enough.

Last night we were invited to dinner. We all had a good time chatting and even chatting about the shower. then it was 9:10 and I was tired... I told her we needed to go and she kept talking. 10 minutes later I look over at DH and he's SLEEPING! Please tell me how he's going to get me out of there if he's sleeping. finally at 9:45 I extracted us and we went home and to bed.

I have to laugh about it... but I also get to rub it in :D

[amconwa]

Wow, kellyd, you sound a lot like me. I hope you guys figure out a way to get out of finishing the work for the shower. You don't want high blood pressure. :( Showers are supposed to be fun, not a PITA. (Can I write PITA on this board?)

If it helps, I sent out an email to all of the future grandparents (it was really just aimed at my MIL) about our expectations for the L&D of our son. She seems to get really upset when her expectations aren't met (I have realized this); so, I wanted to let them know what we had planned for our birth. I wrote it really nicely and said our birth instructor suggested telling people what our plans are because she'd seen lots of disappointed friends and family (this is true). I did it over email because my MIL has a history of being histrionic and temper tantrum-ish, and I let myself feel responsible for her behavior. It was nonconfrontational that way. It worked.

Sometimes, I think family members think they have to throw big things like this as a show of....I don't know what. My MIL threw a "couples shower" that was really more like a big, backyard party. It was nice, but I think she did it because no one else offered to throw anything for us. (My SIL is 35 and lives at home, claiming to be broke. I dunno.) Typically, mothers don't throw the showers of any type, but since SIL wasn't able, she threw it and put SIL's name on the invites (which SIL did object to but MIL is similar to your MIL, I think. Just pushes on through regardless. Real problem with boundaries IMHO). My point is this: what would people think if my side of the family didn't host anything? It's also a show of what "she" can do. I think there's insecurity involved, too.

Sorry for the long post. I don't mean to project my experiences onto you. They just sound so spookily similar. I agree that your DH needs to handle this: maybe something along the lines of "I'm a little worried about my wife. I think she needs more rest, etc." Good luck. HTH.