When the right thing for your family hurts others

[Sugar Magnolia]

Has anyone dealt with this before? Making a decision that you and dh know is 100% the right choice for your family, but others (extended family) get hurt in the process? How do you deal with the fall out? How do you explain that you are not trying to hurt anyone, but keep your family safe?

A little background...my inlaws were coming to visit (there was a post in b!tching about it) but due to recent events involving my inlaws, dh and I do not think it is wise for them to come visit us while he is not here.

Mil is livid and not talking to us and who know how long this will go on for. I understand her feelings are hurt. But this choice was what is best for us. I am physical sick because of this.

Has anyone dealt with any thing like this?

[Rayray24]

I haven't had a situation quite like this, I have made the inlaws mad but they usually don't say much about it. I hope things get better and I'm sure they will cool off after a while. Maybe your dh could talk to them and let them know the situation? I hope things get better for you! Good luck

~~Jennie~~:yay:

[MontrealMum]

We have managed to alienate DH's sister and BIL by baptizing DS. Since she 1) is an atheist 2) lives over 2 hours away in another town, we didn't think that her wishes/schedule were as important as ours, the godparents, the church availability. She was extremely offended and left several b*tchy messages for us, and chewed DH out on the phone (which made him cry - it was very bad.) She was also angry that we didn't ask her to be a godparent.

Personally, I've had it with her (and DN, and BIL) over the years with all the stuff they've pulled (she is an amazingly self-centered woman), but my family deals with things differently - as in, they deal with things. DH's family is very head-in-the-sand, wouldn't mention s*%t if they had a mouth full of it. I would have no trouble telling her that I was not comfortable having an atheist as my child's godparent (I mean, hello?) and that the sun does not revolve around her. Unfortunately, pre-baptism fiasco, our deal was that DH was responsible for dealing with his family. Now, long story, but I deal with both sets of parents, and we don't speak to SIL at all. Don't know how long that's going to go on for (forever, I hope :) ) but it is tense with DH's parents, and I don't really like that aspect of it.

BUT, as the op mentioned, you have to do what is right for your own little family. DH has gone through a really rough time, and dealing with SIL made it immeasureably worse. This made my life miserable, and therefore this was not good for DS. We did what we had to. I am not concerned about who is right and who is wrong, but I stand by my decision even though it is sometimes uncomfortable with the ILs. I hope that you are able to come to some sort of internal peace as well :) Whether you achieve some sort of understanding with your MIL is another thing, but you should feel good, and happy about deciding to do what is right for your family. Just my 2 cents, but again, I'm pretty close to this right now.

[nov04]

Don't feel sick about this, they're the ones who are hurting you by behaving this way. You deserve to be treated well.

[ThreeofUs]

Yes, I have dealt with situations like this - and they hurt like mad. I'm so sorry you've had to make this decision, but believe you are right in making it.

All you can do is be firm (in yourself) that it was the right decision. I usually write out the decision-making process so that I have something to stop emotional problems. I know it sounds odd, but having a rational explanation written out helps me keep centered.

I also make sure others know explicitly that it was a difficult decision, but I had to do what was best for my family. I always say I'm sorry for any inconvenience, as that was not the intent, but reaffirm the reason. A friend of mine calls this "keeping on-message"! :)

Best of luck.

[MamaMolly]

We have managed to alienate DH's sister and BIL by baptizing DS. Since she 1) is an atheist ....... She was also angry that we didn't ask her to be a godparent. .

do what now? She's an atheist but wants to be the Godparent?? Clearly she does not know what a Godparent's job is, nor can I imagine that she has attended a Baptism/Christening. I mean, you promise to raise the child in the church if you are the Godparent. So she wants to be a liar as well as the Godmother? The woman is a nut.

And for the OP, yes, we have made decisions that are in the best interests of our little family that has hurt the feelings of the extended family. For instance, we are named as the guardians for our DN, but we did not choose her parents (my sister and BIL) to be our DD's guardians. Yes, my sister's feelings are/were hurt, but we did what we felt was in the best interests of our DD.

And for DH's work we have moved away from all the extended family (mine) and I never hear the end of it, especially now that we have DD. Sigh. But again, it was right for us.

Be brave, and find peace in your heart. You KNOW you made the right decision for your family!

Hugs!

[KBecks]

I would try and keep it in perspective that other peoples' feelings are their responsibility, not yours. And if you let them make you feel guilty, it's because you are allowing that to happen.

Hugs.

[SammyeGail]

I have BTDT so many times. The most recent was not going home this past Thanksgiving or Christmas, we were sure one of our twins had autism, waiting on DX and we didn't know what the drive would do to him (5 hours). He's on a special diet also (no dairy or wheat), I have a big family so I know someone would give him something. Jonas also does not do well in loud crowds in an enclosed place.

My mom was mad (hurt), I tried my best to explain it, I was so sick inside myself with his DX, it was all horrible. She told everyone that we weren't coming because Jonas would flip out at seeing everyone like a retard or something. That hurt SOOOO much. The deal was that the 'little' kids got presents, but to this day not a single present has been mailed to the boys.

This one is a few years old. DH and I have been married 10 years. He has 2 older children. We all hit it off great in the beginning. I adored his kids. DH was offered an awesome job opportunity and we relocated 6 hours away, but came back home at least once a month. His daughter would only see him for 4 hours. We would drive 12 hours for a 4 hour visit, and his parents lived in the same town as his kids, we stayed there, we were 20 minutes apart. Once a month turned into every 2 months, every 3 months, so on and so on. It got to where he was lucky of she would talk to him via phone every 2 months, it was always to say they had plans and didn't have time for him. DH's son, younger was very passive, the SD very dominate so SD wouldn't even put SS on the phone. She finally told him at the age of 15 the only way she would have a relationship with him, and let SS know he has been calling is if he divorced me or treated me like a 'second class citizen'. I'm no homebreaker, his wife filed for divorce and was remarried before DH and I ever met. Years went by, DH got activated and we were back in the same city as where his kids lived. He did get to see SS a few times, but then SD moved back home to go to college locally, giving up a full scholarship. They talked 2-3 times, then she decided she didn't want anything to do with him unless he divorced me or again, treated me like a second class citizen (she was really stuck on that phrase). I never even saw his children the year we were there, and they have never seen their little brothers. We never had a fight, an incident, anything. Its like SD decided she was going to get him out of her life. I ruined a relationship simply by existing. Yeah, I felt guilt for years and shead tons of tears, but no more. After saying that a second time, her not even seeing me in 6 years, rejecting my children---no more. His son's B'day is tomorrow, he'll be 17 and his daughters is next week, she'll be 21.

One of my sisters and I are not really on speaking terms. You can read my thread a few days back about me thinking my sister is crazy for leaving her kids to see a 'friend' to sort things out.


Family matters suck, but what DH and I say to each other all the time is 'Its just the 4 of us, that's what matters.'

Samantha
Noah and Jonas
29 month old twins

[Sugar Magnolia]

Thank you all for your kind words. I think I am more upset that dh is so hurt. I am almost to the point of being mad at him because she is manipulating him still. I know we will get through this, but it just sucks right now.

[almostsane]

:hug5: Hugs to you, I know this is a terrible situation. I hate to make any of our family mad, but have done so on numerous occasions. When DS was born, I would not let MIL keep him, because she was/is an alcoholic. If she came to my house drinking, she could not even hold my newborn. Did this make her mad? Yes, but I didn't care. The safety of my child comes first. She wanted to be in the delivery room when DS was born, but I said no. She stood outside the door, repeatedly knocking after she heard his cries, until I got the nurse to tell her that DH would come get her when I was ready for visitors. This also pissed her off, but I didn't care. I wanted alone time with DH and DS. The thing to remember is that this is YOUR family, not hers or theirs. What is best for your family is not always what everyone else wants, but that is too bad. They can do what they want to with their own family. Hope things get better for you, just keep praying and God will take care of it.:hug:

[ha98ed14]

Family matters suck, but what DH and I say to each other all the time is 'Its just the 4 of us, that's what matters.'

Samantha
Noah and Jonas
29 month old twins

I'm sorry that your role as step-mom has not been as smooth or easy as you would have hoped. Blended families are never easy; nevertheless, I feel the need to address your above statement:

Yes, you, your DH, and two DCs are a complete family unit, but you are selfish and your DH is neglectful if your really believe that you four are the only ones who matter. Yours may be a complete family unit, but your DH created a family with someone else and the 2 children from that family ABSOLUTELY MATTER!!! If your DH does not love and fight for those first two like her does for your two, then he is treating his first two kids like "second class citizens." The reason your step daughter is so keen on seeing you treated as a second class citizen is because that is how SHE feels she has been treated by her own dad. And yes, she blames you, even though you are not at fault.

It is impossible for a man to maintain perfect relationships with his kids. When they live in different households, it is even harder. I do not know your circumstances and why or how you made the decision to move 6 hours away from his first children. But I guarantee you that his children feel abandoned. Even if your DH had no choice but to move, his kids are still going to feel abandoned. Children do not see the why, they just see how it affects their lives. The reality is that their dad left town and was not present for their sports games or dance recitals or any of the daily/ weekly activities that made up their lives as school aged kids. Acknowledging their feelings and the reality of their pain rather than trying to excuse it or explain it away would be an excellent way for your DH to begin rebuilding the relationship between himself and his first two children.

Your role as a step parent is so, so hard. It is often ugly and difficult and even when something goes well, or you do something nice, there is often no thanks or affection that would be shown to a bio parent. Nevertheless, you have to keep trying because you are the parent, and by parent I mean that you are an adult in the life of these children who has power to shape their world-- the way they relate to their own bio parent (your spouse) and therefore ultimately how they see themselves. All of your attitudes, priorities, and actions influence how accessible their father is to them or whether his children even feel comfortable coming to your family gatherings. If you make it easy for your DH to give his time and money to his first kids, then he is that much freer to do so. You must do you best to do right by his children because you are the adult and therefore the one in the position of power. No, it is not easy; Yes, it is thankless. Welcome to parenthood.

ETA: I am the daughter from the first marriage, so I am speaking from my own experience. After many years of my step mom and my dad being together (they married when I was 8 and now I am 32), I have come to love and appreciate my step mom as a wonderful woman whose love and wisdom I have benefited from immensely.

[tmarie]

YES. My inlaws really stress me out and dh has basically let them know that when they visit they are welcome to come for 3 nights 3 days max (with the understanding it will be at a time when he can take a Friday off). I'm sure from a few comments FIL has made that it bothers them, but it is just the best thing for our family. Fortunately my MIL is very reserved, and doesn't dare make her son mad, so she has never picked a fight with us over it. I don't know what I'd do if MIL stopped talking to us over something like that...I'm the kind of person who would be sick about it too. I think it is very important for you to stick to your guns--with the full support of your dh--and set the boundaries now. You MIL has to find a way to understand--hopefully she will cool off. This is her issue, not yours. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice. Family issues are so hard....

tmarie
dd#1 5/05
dd#2 7/08

[SammyeGail]

I'm sorry that your role as step-mom has not been as smooth or easy as you would have hoped. Blended families are never easy; nevertheless, I feel the need to address your above statement:

Yes, you, your DH, and two DCs are a complete family unit, but you are selfish and your DH is neglectful if your really believe that you four are the only ones who matter. Yours may be a complete family unit, but your DH created a family with someone else and the 2 children from that family ABSOLUTELY MATTER!!! If your DH does not love and fight for those first two like her does for your two, then he is treating his first two kids like "second class citizens." The reason your step daughter is so keen on seeing you treated as a second class citizen is because that is how SHE feels she has been treated by her own dad. And yes, she blames you, even though you are not at fault.

It is impossible for a man to maintain perfect relationships with his kids. When they live in different households, it is even harder. I do not know your circumstances and why or how you made the decision to move 6 hours away from his first children. But I guarantee you that his children feel abandoned. Even if your DH had no choice but to move, his kids are still going to feel abandoned. Children do not see the why, they just see how it affects their lives. The reality is that their dad left town and was not present for their sports games or dance recitals or any of the daily/ weekly activities that made up their lives as school aged kids. Acknowledging their feelings and the reality of their pain rather than trying to excuse it or explain it away would be an excellent way for your DH to begin rebuilding the relationship between himself and his first two children.

Your role as a step parent is so, so hard. It is often ugly and difficult and even when something goes well, or you do something nice, there is often no thanks or affection that would be shown to a bio parent. Nevertheless, you have to keep trying because you are the parent, and by parent I mean that you are an adult in the life of these children who has power to shape their world-- the way they relate to their own bio parent (your spouse) and therefore ultimately how they see themselves. All of your attitudes, priorities, and actions influence how accessible their father is to them or whether his children even feel comfortable coming to your family gatherings. If you make it easy for your DH to give his time and money to his first kids, then he is that much freer to do so. You must do you best to do right by his children because you are the adult and therefore the one in the position of power. No, it is not easy; Yes, it is thankless. Welcome to parenthood.

ETA: I am the daughter from the first marriage, so I am speaking from my own experience. After many years of my step mom and my dad being together (they married when I was 8 and now I am 32), I have come to love and appreciate my step mom as a wonderful woman whose love and wisdom I have benefited from immensely.



Thank you for giving your step mother a chance.

I don't want to bring this in this thread, but you opened this door.....

When my husband said that, he was referring to when my family was mad at me for not coming home for the holidays. Also because of the fact that no one in my family understands what its like to have a toddler with autism.

sports games or dance recitals, lol....When we lived close DH asked about coming to sport activities, etc. all the time. SD would say she didn’t know her schedule. He did get to go to 2 of SS’s games. The children went to a small private catholic school, SS innocently told us once that SD was embarrassed her parents were divorced, that’s why she didn’t want DH around her school/friends. There was only one other set of kids with divorced parents there. I know that must have been hard on her going to a small catholic school surrounded by peers who’s parents were together.

As for the WHOLE SD thing, how dare you say its my fault, you don't even know me. Our move: My husbands career is very, very specific and his company was merging, he might be loosing his job so when he was offered the new one of course he took it, he had to. (6 months into his new job they had let go 75% of the staff at his old company) We knew 2 months before he started the new job and he told his kids as soon as he could face to face. Everytime they talked/saw each other DH tried to talk about it, do they have any questions? He does not want to leave, but he may loose his current job and he wants to be able to take care of them. If they want, he will come back every weekend, etc, etc. He tried all that he could, they seemed to understand, when he was married to his first wife they lived out of state 8 years. When they moved back 'home', it took him a year to find a job there.

His ex always said to him (she did it in front of me twice) that if he remarried she will do everything in her power to ruin his relationship with his children. Yes, she was remarried, but wanted both husbands. She had her new husband lined up before she filed for divorce, he was their real estate agent. When she found out my name she called everyone in the phone book with my last name and told them I was having an affair with her husband and breaking up their marriage. His ex called my mother telling her this, while she was remarried all along herself. My mother was called by 3 cousins, 2 aunts and 1 uncle all on the same day being asked WTH?. As soon as I heard I told DH and he called ex. She said yes, she did that, she was mad, but she was sorry now. My mother had gotten so upset my dad had to take her to the hospital later that night because they thought she was having a stroke. DH called ex the next day to tell her and she thought it was funny. Thats just ONE thing she did.

We had his kids the evening of Christmas the Dec before we moved (early Jan 2000). When we took them home ex came out to talk to DH. She said she wished she had never married her new husband, she was not happy, she wanted DH back. (this conversation had happend several times over the phone) He said he was happy and did not want to reconcile with her. I had gotten back in the car but could hear everything. She started yelling and sobbing, her husband came out, the kids standing at the door. Yelling that she wasn’t happy with her husband (um, he was right there) DH must divorce me, all sorts of stuff, this was so long ago I don’t remember it all but the cussing and screaming, her husband standing there with his head down, neighbors coming out, etc. I just sat in the car and didn’t make a peep, I think I was in shock. DH finally just got in the car and we drove off. Its was a great way for your kids to see you for the last time before you moved.

Then the police threats, if you come to the house I’ll call the police. You could hear her coaxing SD along in the back ground, SD saying she herself (age 11) would call the police if he came by. What do you about that!?! Have a police officer come at 6PM on the second Friday of the month to your ex’s house to document that your kids didn’t want visitation? I’m sure the kids would have never been affected by that……DH let things cool down and he got to see them eventually.

Several, several other things happened. DH tried his best, he DID. When his children are primarily with their mother, who are they most influenced by? How could DH defend/prove himself in a few hours a month? He showed so much attention to them and showered them with love, but it never mattered. If I were there I would ask them if they wanted me along or did it matter either way to them? Its ok with me if they want to be with their dad only, I could go visit my mother. Sometimes they wanted me along and sometimes they said it didn’t matter. We tired to read their body language and follow that.

Yes, something did happen when we moved, DH tried talking about it but SD would freak out. Whatever she felt, whatever her mother felt, DH couldn't get through to it. SS was very passive and just went with the flow, or tried blending in with the background. Poor little guy. DH never got to talk to him alone.

When the communication was very scarce, DH called every 2 weeks and left the mssg that he loved them, hoped they were ok, hoped they were happy and when they feel ready to see him please let him know. Every 2 weeks like clockwork. Should he have done it every week? Well, he did for the first few months.

DH did finally get SD’s attention when he said he had something very, very important to tell her. (My FIL had cancer.) She wrote him an email asking what. He told her he really needed to tell her this, not in an email, she said she wouldn’t call him back. He begged her to pls call him, she said no, so he told her that her grandfather had cancer via email. The kids lived in the same town as their grandparents, but didn’t see them either. She wrote back ‘oh, ok.’ That was it, she never wrote anymore. She called her grandparents once. My FIL had surgery about 3 months later to remove his left lung, SD did know about that, via email, but never called or visited her grandparents. He had a massive heart attack 3 days after the surgery and passed away. DH went to ex house, she actually came to the door. She said she would tell the children. The kids did come to their grandmother’s house 2 days later (we were there also) and stayed an hour, never mentioned their grandfather. SD kept saying she needed to get home, she had a lot of homework. They were coming to the funeral, but SD called DH an hour before the service telling him they decided they weren’t since their mother wasn’t coming.

It was a few months after that when she said she wouldn’t have anything else to do with DH unless he made her #1, and the only one, divorcing me or treating me like a second class citizen. She was 15, it was on her front porch. Dh said she wanted him to say ‘Samantha is a second class citizen’. He wouldn’t do it.

So years go by, he still calls every month with the same mssg, he loves them, hopes they are well and happy, if they ever wanted to see him just let him know. He began to leave mssgs asking ex, her husband, if they would call his work # after hours and leave a voicemail, just to let him know the kids are ok. Never happened.

I’ve had enough, if you still want to call me selfish, I don’t care. If you want to call my DH selfish and a terrible dad, I don’t care. I’ve been trough so much guilt and crap (from the ex) concerning his kids, but if they called tomorrow would both welcome them with open arms. I do still love them deeply. I have never said a cross word to either of his kids, I loved and tried to be very sweet to them. I always spoke kindly of their mother in front of them, as did DH, the ex started fights, saying horrible things, DH would just leave, a lot of times not being able to say good bye to his kids.

And if you’re curious, yes, he does and has always paid his child support, never late, and its not late because its garnished out of his check, we send the check ourselves.

Samantha
Noah and Jonas:love2:

[niccig]

Samantha, your situation with DH and his ex-wife, is something I've heard before. A friend married and her DH's ex of 7 years divorced got very jealous and created similar scenes and difficulties for everyone involved. I'm sorry you've been going through this, and I hope that maybe one day SD and SS will try to have a relationship.

[hbridge]

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS!!!!!

Family "politics" are the MOST difficult. You have been through so much and tried so hard! You and your DH need to know that you are doing things the best way you can and the ball is in the step-childrens court so to speak!

My family issues pale by comparison to what your DH (and you) have gone through, but having a sister who disappeared for a year or so and then later failed to invite ANY of her family to her wedding (she met her husband when they were both in my wedding). Compiled with DH's family that doesn't seem to care too much, I agree that families can be really hard.

Just remember, you can't change them. You can just keep trying the best you can and hope that someday you can establish some relationship. I have started to with my sister, but it's hard and there is still a lot of pain to work through.

As the children grow they may decide to come back into your life, but if not (and that's always a possiblilty), just keep the communication open on your end and hope for the best.

Again, lots of hugs! Enjoy those wonderful boys and know that you are doing all you can!

[bubbaray]

You gotta do what you gotta do -- YOUR immediate family, especially their safety, has to take priority. Period.

Family issues suck.

Good luck!

[dr mom]

Mil is livid and not talking to us

Well if it was my MIL not speaking to us, I'd be thrilled to enjoy the peace and quiet...but I hear where you're coming from, and I'm sorry your DH is hurt by the situation. Family politics are tough.

You have to do what's best for your own family, and as you said in the other post, that means not subjecting yourself to a visit when DH isn't there to back you up. You're not wrong for setting appropriate boundaries; it's just too bad that your in-laws can't accept them gracefully...

[Sugar Magnolia]

Cindy-you made me laugh. Actually, I have come to peace with how mil is acting. Fil is in a hospital, so he has no idea what is going on. Its a hospital where you can't have visitors or phone calls...

Dh and I are glad we were finally able to set boundaries with her and if this is the end of our relationship with mil, so be it.

Thank you all for your kind words. Its nice to know that others understand and would put their families above everyone else.

[SammyeGail]

Sugar Magnolia,

I just realized something! My step-children's spouses may have MIL issues like yours, lol!! Poor things!! SD, SS and their future spouses :(.

I do hope one day things between us and SD and SS will change for the better.

Samantha

[ha98ed14]

As for the WHOLE SD thing, how dare you say its my fault, you don't even know me.

Samantha
Noah and Jonas:love2:

Clearly, you misread what I wrote. I said that, Yes, SD blames you, even though you are NOT at fault.

I was not trying to accuse you of being "the evil step-mother." I was just trying to show you that ALL the children in your family matter equally. I'm sorry your DH's efforts to be in touch with his first two children have been rebuffed and that the first wife has made it so hard. It doesn't always work out that way. Maybe when SD has her own children someday, you can reach out to her based on your shared experience as mothers. She may see things differently after the birth of her own children. Good Luck.