Disappointed in myself as a parent (long and need help)

[lmwbasye]

DH is deployed right now and has been gone since January. I would have thought that I'd be totally adjusted by now, but I'm really frustrated and floudering still. Every day feels like a scramble to get by and I feel like I'm failing as a parent.

I teach Kindergarten and by the time I get home with the boys it is nearly 6 o'clock. DS1 is hungry (even if I just gave him a snack) and even if I knew how to cook (DH cooked every night for us), I don't have the time. DS2 needs to be fed and he is in bed usually around 6:30. He really isn't doing a lot of solids now (he just turned 6 months and all but refuses them) and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. DS1 is usually roaming around downstairs or up while I'm trying to feed the baby and put him to bed.

By the time I get the baby in bed (hopefully, I've fed DS1 something quick at this point), it is time to get DS2 ready for bed....he is usually down by 7:30 at the latest. I feel like I don't get time with either child and the time I do get is rushed and unpleasant. I am drained and nearly out of patience at the end of the day and it doesn't help that the baby is not sleeping through the night still.

I am sleep deprived, barely feeding my children and pets (I feel like), my classroom is a mess, my house is a mess, laundry is not getting done and I'll have nights like tonight where I'm just soooooooooooo tired by the time I get the boys to bed that I can't even comprehend trying to get lunches and bottles ready for tomorrow, let alone any laundry, cleaning, lesson planning done.

I am so beside myself because I know I have this huge responsibility to my children and I can barely enjoy them at this time. I feel awful for them...it's bad enough to have their Dad gone, but I'm sure it also seems as if Mom has checked out too.

I don't konw how to get this all caught up and turned around and don't want to damage them for life. If I don't figure this out soon, this is going to be a looooooooooooooooooong year ahead of us until DH gets back.

TIA!

[bubbaray]

Is there a military wives support group??? Maybe if you had a babysitter one or two nights -- they could deal with getting each kid to bed while you do chores or visa versa.

Can you hire a cleaning lady or mother's helper????

I'd ask at the base. Aren't there usually support systems for families of deployed servicemen/women?

[lmwbasye]

Well, here is what I have done....

DH is on a special kind of team, called a MiTT team of 10 guys...they trained together at Ft. Riley and then deployed together and are staying on an Iraqi post. So there really is no unit to speak of and all of the spouses are spread all over the country. So reaaallllly alone here....no babysitter, no family around, no wives from a unit. That being said, I've contacted behavioral health to speak to a social worker (I wonder sometimes if I'm suffering from depression) and probably need to contact the Army posts near here to see what there is to help me. The tough part is that a lot of stuff is during the work day, so I can't make it.....tough even to find the time to call!

We hired a woman to clean the house every other week, so that is a help, but also a bit of a stressor to get everything "picked up" before she comes.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Laura, I just want to send you a huge hug and THANK YOU for your sacrifice. I am a SAHM and am so thrilled when DH walks through that door at 7 pm so that I can have an hour to myself. I am so very sorry you are having to do this alone right now.

[tnrnchick74]

I don't have any advice, but HUGS! Tell your SO thanks from a former military person myself!

Definitely talk to someone. You could be having VERY UNDERSTANDABLE depression issues. You are doing what HAS to be done.

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry. What a hard time and you must be worried about your DH as well. :(

My DH travels a lot, but of course thats nothing like being all alone for a year! But I find it really crucial to find a sitter. I need to have a few hours a week that are all my own that allow me to get some time to myself to refresh and recharge. Since you don't have family close by, you need to get yourself a support system. Everyone needs that, you can't be on 24/7/365.

Even if you don't get a sitter, maybe even a mother's helper would be something. Maybe there's an older girl at your school (a responsible 4th/5th grader) who can come over while you make dinner. Or maybe on a weekend afternoon while you do laundry and pick up.

I always find when I am really overwhelmed that making lists is very helpful. I would maybe start with a list of your biggest stresses and work on them in the order in which they bother you the most. If its meals, then start with that. Find simple recipes, make menus, meal plan, and do that. (Although I have to admit, when DH is gone, the girls and I eat pretty simply.)

Also, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Its OK for DS1 to amuse himself while you put DS2 to bed. That's the story of my kids life when DH is away. I mean what else can you do? Unless they are on the same schedule and share a bedroom, how else will it work? Amy used to go to bed before Sarah, so I would do that while Sarah chilled out downstairs by watching a show or coloring or looking at books before bed. Amy now stays up later, so *horrors* I put her in a PnP in front of the TV and turn on Teletubbies while I put Sarah to bed. I gotta do what I gotta do. There's only one of me.

Also, many 6 month olds don't eat a lot of solids. Solids are only for practice until a year. Sarah took to solids easily at 6 months, but Amy wasn't really interested until closer to 8 months.

And I soooooo hear you on the lack of sleep. Amy is now sleeping better, but she was a very wretched sleeper until very recently. That lack of a solid block of sleep is just wretched and wearing. Its a misery I don't wish on anyone. But that can make everything seem so wretched and hopeless. I thought for awhile I might be depressed and then I realized I was just horribly sleep deprived!!

Anyway, I'm not sure any of that was helpful, but I think the biggest gift you can give yourself and your boys right now is some time for you to be able to rest and recharge. You're burning out and you need help. It doesn't make you weak to say you need help.

[pb&j]

Wow, I don't know how I would manage in your shoes. That you get to work every day and take care of two kids is a testament to your strength and determination! Who cares if your house is messy and you eat take out?

As PPs have suggested, definitely look into making use of all the resources available to you. You deserve them - nobody can do this alone.

[npace19147]

Wow, I can't even imagine. I only have two and am frequently a screaming mess by the time DH comes home from work.

First of all, cut yourself a lot of slack. Kids are really adaptable and they will get through this just fine as long as they know you love them. You do not need to be perfect for them, you just need to do the best you can.

You say you don't have any family in the area, do you have any helpful family that could come for a visit to help out? Some family is more work than help, of course, so this only applies if it will help you!

Do you have any vacation time you can take to try and regroup a little? Even a day or two could help you nap, catch up, get a breather.

Try to simplify as much as possible. Lower your standards to just above where you'll get checked by the health department ;)

For food - mac and cheese for consecutive nights hasn't killed any kids yet! Maybe have a few easy meals you can make in bulk and pull out to microwave? One thing I find helpful is to make a big thing of brown rice and then add things like beans, cheese, whatever to it in the microwave.

Good luck, and hang in there!

[Jacksonvol]

Hang in there, kiddo. I second the thanks to you and your family for your service to our country and I'm truly sorry there isn't an FRG specifically for you. I'm with you on the getting home at 6:00 p.m. with no dinner ready and trying to deal with a child and feeling like I did not really get to spend time with DD before bedtime. Here are some of my strategies:

1. Cereal & eggs, not just for breakfast.
2. Anything in I can assemble in a slowcooker the night before, put in the fridge and start cooking in the a.m.. I put a package salad and bread and feel like I've hit nutritional nirvana. (Also, leftovers!)
3. Cleaning the house? Hee! The kitchen & bathrooms are clean. The rest is decluttered. Don't "pick up" for the cleaning lady. Sure, she may not be able to be as efficient, but you won't be as stressed.
4.New to the cooking thing? Southern Living has good ideas on their website. Everything is easy to do and is broken down into how much time to prepare.
5. Laundry can be theraputic. It is mindless. It also can be done on a "just in time" delivery system. Hey, if Ford doesn't stockpile parts, why should you stockpile clean laundry. Underwear first, and then anything without obvious stains and odors is a bonus.
6. Remember, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Take care of you first, (i.e. eating right, sleeping, talking to counselors, spending time with kids).

I'm so sorry this has happened to your family. I hope things will be a little less overwhelming soon, but its only been four months.

[purpleeyes]

Laura, I just want to send you a huge hug and THANK YOU for your sacrifice. I am a SAHM and am so thrilled when DH walks through that door at 7 pm so that I can have an hour to myself. I am so very sorry you are having to do this alone right now.

:yeahthat:

I also second the mothers helper idea-could some nice teenager from your neighborhood, who loves kids could come over and play with one of your DCs while you take care of the other one? I think time with you would be ideal, of course, but some good quality play time with someone who is fun, cares about your DC is good, too! :) Plus, you are more relaxed, so your time with him afterwards would be good. If no one in your neighborhood, perhaps someone from work could suggest a name? Or a colleague's kid? :)

How about doing some cooking over the weekend? Maybe hire that mothers helper again for a few hours so you can pull some stuff together that is easy to get out and reheat during the week? Real simple has some great ideas for make ahead meals (you put all the ingredients in freezer bags, pull it out when you're ready to cook and you're good to go!) Here's a good link: (scroll down to the plan ahead recipies section)

http://www.dinnersinaflash.com/resources.html

And..totally don't worry about your baby and solids. Mine is 7 months, I am home full time with a DH here and she still couldn't care less about apples or pears or cereal. :)

just some thoughts...hth!

[KrystalS]

I really feel for you, my husband is also military. He has deployed twice since DD was born and he is slotted to go again next year. It is very a difficult and trying time. I don't have a lot of advice because I've been lucky enough to have lots of family support while he was deployed. Do you live near an army post? There are lots of programs available. It makes it difficult because you don't have an FRG. My FRG set up a babysitting swap and we did free babysitting 2 times a week for each others children. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me, no one can understand deployment unless you've been thru it.

[megs4413]

I have absolutely no advice, but I wanted to say thank you for your sacrifice as a family and I'm praying that things improve for you. HUGS!

[mommy111]

Haven't had the time to read all the other responses, I'm sure you have some great ideas, but you're kidding us about feeling guilty, right? Because, between managing a job, a 6 month old and an older DS all by yourself, you're a super-hero in my book!!!!!!!!
I know most of us mommies are very reluctant to have anyone else do anything for us, but you need help. Can someone at least take care of chores such as cooking and laundry for you? Like maybe someone coming once a week and cooking and freezing a week's supply of food in individual servings. That would mean that older DS could help himself with food and that you would have more time to spend with him after DS2 went to sleep.

[Melanie]

I don't have hardly any advice, but you have to cut yourself some slack. All of the "problems" that you are having with laundry, etc., are just how it is. You are essentially a Single Working Mom of THREE kids, right now. Your house will not be perfect and your kids won't care. But you don't HAVE to feel guilty, too. It's one year. If the house is a mess with piles of laundry for a year, they'll be okay. What's most important is you being able to just be there for them. I canNOT imagine being a miltary wife with a deployed husband, let alone one who's also working full time. You are SuperWoman. Seriously.

I also have a constantly hungry child, she's not old enough for this but if it were my older one, I'd just keep a basket of snacks out on the table (or in a plastic container in the car). My car looks like a horrific mess of crumbs but we spend so much time in it, I just can't not allow them to eat in it. Kids + Low Blood Sugar = Terror.

I hope the resources on base can provide helpful to you.

Good Luck to You!

[lorinick]

You need to sleep. Try letting the baby cry through the night wait 10 to 15 mintues before going in. I have a 8.5 month old. He wasn't sleep through. I was told he should not be getting up to eat. He wakes but can now put himself back to bed. I feel much better. broken sleep takes a toll on you. Dinner my 7 year old's favorites are breakfast for dinner eggs, pancakes even waffles. Try skillet sensation where everything is in the bag meat veggies dinner done in about 20 mins. or less. Good luck! You'll get through this.

[KBecks]

Oh, you are in survival mode. I'm so sorry you have to tough it out like that.

I would do easy meals for the kids, really easy and don't worry about it too much.

I would also see if you can get a sitter or mother's helper to play with the kids now and then and help you catch a break once in a while. Just a couple times a month can help you stay sane. I found a sitter through the children's librarian who gave my name to some of her high school age volunteers. I would use your teacher network, because someone will know wonderful older kids.

I would think about slightly later bedtimes. My 21 month old goes to bed around 7:30 / 8 and my 3.5 year old goes to bed at 8.

Hugs and best wishes. It is perfectly OK to cut up an apple and a piece of string cheese and a few chicken tenders for dinner. Or even just an apple and cheese. Or an apple. I mean, you're in survival mode, do what you can .

[bethie_73]

You are in survival mode :)

First I only have 1 and DH has not been deployed since DS was born, so I am VERY lucky. But one of my friends is on her 3rd pregnancy, 2nd with DH deployed.

I used to be in charge of Family Support on one of my bases, and this is what I would suggest. Of course I can look at it logically because I"m not in the middle ;) so I hope something helps, and if you are doing it or if someone else suggested it... sorry.

First, can you make some kind of schedule? I know its hard, but if you get in the habit of doing the same things every night, sometimes it helps you get through the rough nights.

Second a mommy's helper is a great idea, I don't know how many people you know, but a little time to yourself will help you tremendously.

Third, I see you are in VA, there are alot of bases throughout the state. Is your DH affiliated with a specific one near you? Usually they have a "home" base nearby for training and annual stuff. They should have a Family Support section, made up of spouses. I know we would actively reach out to spouses whose husbands are deployed. We know how hard it is and its not just meetings, it is truly support. I watched kids, brought food, mowed lawns :)
anything we could do to help, especially in the beginning.

Please PM me if you have any questions, and heck if you are in the DC area I know alot of moms whose hubbys are deployed, we have a group :)

Good Luck, and don't feel guilty, it is really hard. :hug:

[JTsMom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with everyone who said to cut yourself some slack. You're in a very challenging situation, and I'm sure you are doing the best you can. My DH has been gone for 4 days, and I'm ready to rip my hair out, so my hat is off to you, no matter how you're getting through this.


Do you have anyone at all in the area that can help you, even for just a day? Maybe a fellow teacher has a teen looking for community service hours or something? Sometimes when you get really overwhelmed, if someone gives you just a tiny boost, it really makes a big difference in your outlook. If not, I agree with the others who said a mother's helper would be a great idea. You're only one person, and no matter how badly you want to, you can't do 8 million things at once. Do you have any extra things going on that you can drop? Any way you can make it home a litle earlier? I'd cut anything that isn't absolutely essential.

I also think if you can find even 2 hours a week for yourself, that might go a long way to saving your sanity. I'm a SAHM, and if I don't take a few hours a week to do what I want to do, I can't be as good of a mom as I'd like to be. It probably sounds counter-intuitive, but I promise it would be a good thing.

Cooking- that's easy! I'll bet a lot of us can help with that. It might even be something you and your 6 yr old can do together on the weekends, killing 2 birds with 1 stone. There are a lot of simple recipes that you can make, then freeze. A pp mentioned using a slow cooker, which is an awesome idea too. When you walk in the door at night, a healthy dinner is pretty much ready! Let us know if you need some recipe ideas. Otherwise, like Karen said above, eat stuff like apples and cheese, cereal, whatever! Dinner doesn't have to be an ordeal.

Housework- who cares! Most of us have trashed houses, but you actually have an excuse. LOL Throw out the trash, occasionally do some laundry, and turn a blind eye to the rest. Can you throw in a load of laundry before you go to bed, then put it in the dryer in the morning? If you do it every day, it will stay caught up. If it bothers you to have stuff everywhere, get some big baskets and through stuff in them. Bribe the 6 yr old to fold it. ;)

I would probably try to make the weekends mainly about the kids and relaxing. Ignore the house, and just go to the park or something. It'll all still be there on Monday.

Just survive. Deal with the things tht bother you the most, and try to let go of the rest. Kids are so resiliant, and I'm sure you think it's worse than they do. Thank you for your sacrifice. I wish you lived near me- I'd help you in a heartbeat.

[MamaMolly]

As everyone else has said, you are doing a GREAT job! You don't see it from your perspective, but from where I sit, believe me sister, you are doing a GREAT JOB!!

As I was reading your post I thought you sounded overwhelmed. I think part of the fatigue you are feeling is because it seems like there is so much to do. It also sounds like you are very hard on yourself and you want things to be just like when your DH is home. But he's not, and you need to realize that you have to give your self some credit and a break. IMHO, it would be a good idea to talk to someone who can help you put things into perspective.

Like I agree with the PP who said as far as laundry, do the undies first and then work out from there. For dinner? Cheerios or what ever cereal your older DC will eat. My sister spent a year of her life eating nothing but cheerios and green peas (by choice, she was a stubborn 2 yo) and is now an attorney. So cereal for breakfast won't hurt them!!

And a mother's helper would be a dream for you. Last night we went out for dinner and an 11 yo at a near by table sat and played with our 18 mo. DD until we were done eating. It was LOVELY. I got to use a knife and fork! Together in the same meal! Is there a student in your room with an older sibling who could help you out? Even to come pick up toys before the housekeeper comes or to play with your older DC.

About a zillion years ago before we had DD, my DH went into training for a new job for 5 months. I was alone and a MESS! I also taught school and once I started asking for help, people really rallied to do what they could. My room mom had her DH come over and change out a light socket, that sort of thing. Now is not the time your you to brave this out alone. Now is the time to lean on folks around you. They are probably happy to help, but don't know what you need or don't want to step on your toes so you've GOT to ask. Which is hard, cause you want to be able to handle everything all by yourself, but that just isn't a reasonable expectation for what is going on in your life right now.

Super big hugs, and know how very proud all of us are of your family!

[hillview]

HUGS -- GREAT JOB!!

First off get to a doctor or support group if you think you may be depressed. I am almost depressed reading your post. I have been on meds in the past and they do help esp through sub-ideal situations like you have right now. They can take the edge off. On the other hand you may not be depressed and just overwhelmed, who wouldn't be?

You should think about what a GREAT job you are doing! 3 kids? A job? Husband away? WOW. You go girl!!

Find a way to take care of yourself. Get some help, call a friend, go play and ignore dinner or laundry. Go out for ice cream for dinner. Have some fun. Think of this year as camping or some other insane adventure. All that matters is that you and DCs are getting through this. Laundry? Not an issue. No green veggies, well you win some you lose some. TV ... now becomes ok.

Things that work well for me when DH is away (for weeks not months!). Have projects for DS #1. He mixes flour and water. He cuts out paper with safety scissors. He scoops dried beans out. He can make a mess at the sink with water. All allowed when I am getting DS #2 ready for bed. Dinner is often eggs or PBJs. Whatever works and gets you to the down time you need. I am often better in the am which means no chores get done in the PM, that is my time and I toss laundry or dishes into the dishwasher in the am. Kids can wear dirty clothes.

Anyway. HUGS to you ... keep up the good work. And thank-you for your contribution to our country.
/hillary

[KBecks]

Find a way to take care of yourself. Get some help, call a friend, go play and ignore dinner or laundry. Go out for ice cream for dinner. Have some fun. Think of this year as camping or some other insane adventure. All that matters is that you and DCs are getting through this. Laundry? Not an issue. No green veggies, well you win some you lose some. TV ... now becomes ok.


And to keep things in perspective, your kids will more likely remember whether you are happy and in a good mood for this year than they will remember whether the house was clean or what they ate for dinner.

So yes, take care of yourself the best you can and don't be shy about asking for support.

[karolyp]

First off, I wanted to personally thank you and your husband for your service to our country. I am eternally grateful to you and your family for the sacrifices that you make for me and my freedom. I also wanted to send you some big huge hugs. I am sure that you are a wonderful mother and parent, you are just going through some extremely difficult times right now with 2 little ones and a husband on deployment. I can’t even imagine how difficult that it, but please know that you have my utmost admiration and respect.

Can I suggest a schedule too? Here are some things that I do that might help you. Every night after the kids go to sleep I do a chore (like one load of laundry – for example tonight I will wash DD’s clothes) and I tidy up a bit. I also tend to cook a lot of super easy meals – mac & cheese, grilled cheese, scrambled eggs. Oh, and the crock-pot is definitely my friend. I also try to double up so we’ll have leftovers the next night and I don’t have to cook again. There are a lot of easy meal ideas suggestions in this thread:
http://www.windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=232232
Or what picking up some pre-made meals from a place like dream dinners? Or cooking up a bunch of meals on Sunday? I’m also a sucker for the bertolli bag dinners – they are soooo yummy and easy too. While I’m cooking, I’ll let DD watch TV or get her busy with an activity like coloring. I also got a back carrier (onbuhimo) for my DS. I wear him while I’m cooking or cleaning and it has truly been a sanity saver. He loves it and I get stuff done! What about using paper plates, cups so you won’t have as much dishes to wash afterwards? Also, I like to clean on Saturday mornings – I’ll put DS in the onbu and put a movie on for DD and do a quick sweep of the house. While they are eating breakfast, I’ll wipe down the countertops. My lunch break is when I run errands. I don’t give my kids bath’s every night – and when I do – they get a quick bath together (heck I’m lucky if DD get’s her teeth brushed every night lol). I lay out next-day clothes for all of us every night too – as it is one last thing I have to worry about in the mornings. And I try to get all my bags, bottles, ect. ready too the night before. I open my mail right by the trashcan so all my junk mail gets thrown away promptly. I also am assuming that you take your kids to daycare? Can you ask them if there is anything they can do to help – like feed your DS1 a big snack before you pick him up to hold him over before dinner? Or feed dinner to DS2? Or change DS2 in pjs with a clean diaper and making sure that DS2 has had a potty break before pickup? Lastly, if you have a spare moment – there are some really good timesaving tips here: http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparenting/babyandpregnancy/articlebc.aspx?cp-documentid=6076769&page=1
Anyhow, I hope that this helps somewhat. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that you gotta do what you gotta do to get through this – and try not to feel guilty at all. I wish you all the best mama. Hugs.

[trales]

Since you are a teacher, do you have some sick, personal time accumulated. Can you take off one day a week for the rest of the school year, or even the rest of the year. One day a week might be enough to get you going. If the kids were still at daycare, you could do all the projects that keep the house going and make you more sane while giving yourself time to devote to them when they are home.

It would not be perfect, but it's not a perfect world and you are making a huge sacrifice having your husband deployed. It is time for the world to accomodate you a bit.

Stoffers mac and cheese and other frozen foods are out there for a reason, use them. What about devoting one day a weekend totally to the kids, take them somewhere for half a day, eat lunch out, you won't see your house, the kids will have a great time, you will be more relaxed.

Do whatever you need to do to make it to the summer. Then deal with the summer.

Feel better, and find someone to talk to. My DH is gone 14 hours a day, 6 days a week and I find a therapist really helpful, I can only imagine the stress you must be under.

[karstmama]

no suggestions, just want to add to the chorus saying 'hang in, you're doing fine, ask for the help you need because all of you deserve it!'

:)