View Full Version : How do other working moms handle this?
almostsane
04-25-2008, 05:19 PM
This is sort of a bitching post problem, but I would also really like some advice. I am a full-time working mom. Have a 3 yo DS and another one due in 2 weeks. I plan on returning to work when DS2 is 3 months old. I don't want to take more time off, nor do I want to be a stay at home mom. Here is my dilemma: How do other working moms manage everything? I have a lady that comes once or twice a month, depending on our finances, to clean the house. I mean really clean. DH does help some around the house, he helps fold and put away laundry, he will vacuum the house (especially now that I am preggers) and occasionally he will pick up the clutter. I sometimes feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. Why is it that we feel, as mothers, that we have to do everything? DH goes to work, comes home from work, sits in chair and will occasionally play with DS, then will go to play on computer until bedtime. He is fine with this. Why do I feel the need to clean/straighten kitchen, do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc. Why can't I just make myself sit down and do NOTHING? DH will tell me, sit down and rest, but I just can't do it. And get this, I don't even cook very often. DS is extremely picky, we are working on it, and most everything he eats takes less than 10 minutes to make. I normally don't eat supper and DH is happy with anything from a sandwich to a heated skillet dinner. It isn't that I spend a lot of time in the kitchen or anything. I leave the house at 7:00am and we get home around 6:00pm. DS is in bed by 8:00, but I feel like I never get to spend time with him, except on the weekends. I think back and remember when I was a kid, my mom did the same thing and I don't feel neglected or like I missed out on anything. I just hope my children will feel the same way.
maestramommy
04-25-2008, 05:31 PM
I'm sorry I don't know why this is. My mother started working when I was about 9, and I remember pretty clearly how things changed once that happened. Most of it was fine. I had to start dinner prep, and maybe we all had to pitch in nore on household chores. By then all of us except the youngest were old enough to do that anyway. But I know that my dad didn't really pick up any slack. My mom still had to do just about as much housework as she was doing before. We didn't have a cleaning lady, but we did have a teenager stay with us after school. It's not that my dad was a slacker, he didn't watch TV or play on the computer (or the equivalent:)), but he just didn't do much to help her out. I don't know why. When my sibs and I were babies and he was a grad student he took charge of sterilizing all the bottles and prepping the formula the night before, and I *think* he got us in the mornings. Once he started working he just worked all the time. 40 years later and that has not changed one iota. My mom is recovering from a lumpectomy and I've been going over there to cook for her and do a couple of other household things because my dad is just not dependable. He gets to working and totally forgets that people have to eat on time, or that they need help with something. Of course, my mom is also slightly to blame. She has always had exacting standards on how to do things, and if you don't do them just so, you're not doing it right. And she really needs a clean house. She was not supposed to be doing anything for 3 days after her sugery. The first day I visited what was she doing? Sweeping cat litter off the floor. I took over that and she went out to water the flowers! I vacuumed the house before she could do that, but the next day I found that she spent the evening mopping! And if she needs something to be done she just does it, then complains loudly about why he can't see that something needs to be done instead of just watching her do it. You see where this is going. My dad is like a lot of Dh's. They are willing to help, but they need to be told exactly what and when it needs to be done. Esp. if it's not something they are normally responsible for. I realized this with my own Dh, who is really awesome. In fact, he told me directly. It helps that we do communicate pretty well. My parents, sadly, have never really learned to communicate well, so after all this time they still drive each other nuts.
I think in your situation, your dh is tired, but he knows you are tired as well, hence why he keeps telling you to relax. Maybe you can let him know that a dirty messy house just really gets to you, and if he could just spend a few minutes with you each day to take care of one thing a la flylady, that would help a great deal. People would say that relaxing your standards will make life easier, but for me a dirty messy house just makes me postal and depressed. So maybe compromise and do a little each day instead of trying to make it perfect in one swoop?
ETA: just looked at your siggie. Maybe you're nesting!
cvanbrunt
04-25-2008, 08:44 PM
I know exactly how you feel. I have 2.5 yo and 6mo DDs. I work full time and wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, I had DD #1 while I was on sabbatical and had 5 months with her. By month 4 she was going to daycare because I was so crazy being at home. We too have a cleaning lady that comes every week and I still constantly pick up around the house and get miffed when DH is watching TV while I'm working. He's very helpful but he just decides the day is over and that's it. I always feel like my head is just above the water but I'm actually getting better about not caring. Part of it is that with two, there's even less time for anything other than childcare. There are moments when I start to get all resentful about working all day and coming home to my second job. But I remind myself that this is really a limited time when the girls need so much care. Until then, the house can just be less than I'd like for a little while. As hard as it might be, try taking hubby up on his offer of relaxing just one night next week. He really doesn't care what he eats and would probably enjoy spending even a little bit of time with you.
I think your original question is flawed. Working moms don't manage everything. We manage what we can, the best we can. If you put any more pressure on yourself then you are setting yourself for failure. Why do that to yourself? There are plenty of other people who will tell you what you are doing wrong! :)
So, off the soapbox. I'm going to make myself a bowl of ice cream for dinner and ignore all the crap on the dining room table. There's stuff on Tivo I've hoping to get to.......
ohiomom
04-25-2008, 08:59 PM
My DH just doesn't care. The house has to be a COMPLETE and utter disaster before he usually notices. He needs a ton of down time and if he doesn't get it in the evening, he'll just stay up later to get it and then is a sleepy grouch. It's not fair, but that is the way he is. He just needs it, end of story. I am barely treading water, too. I end up working a lot between 10 and 2 am after everyone is in bed, house is picked up somewhat and dishes are done and I'm still way behind with everything. Everyone assures me when DD2 is 4, it will be much better. Of course that means by then DD1 will be 8 and 1/2 way to 16! My standards have changed massively. I hope to get a cleaning person before too long, but if that doesn't work out, I'm just going to keep plugging along. I have several SAHP friends with equally cluttered, messy houses that are as tired or more tired than I am. Life is just plain busy and we need to choose how to spend our limited awake, non-working hours.
caheinz
04-25-2008, 09:12 PM
I don't do everything, and have no plans to even try.
I'm lucky in that DH is more than happy to do the cooking. Of course, that only works if he gets home before we (DS and I) do. We try to keep the house straightened up somewhat, but it's never spotless.
We need to hire someone to come in and do some cleaning, but somehow it's hard for us to get that started. Maybe when I'm home this fall...
I think we value time together and playtime more than cleanliness. It works for us.
Other things happen as they happen. Laundry usually happens on the weekend, as does grocery shopping. But the dog is walked every day (DH), we're all fed every day (I do morning, one of us does dinner), and DS gets bedtime stories every day.
We'd like to have more time sometimes, but we manage to get most of the things that matter done in a reasonable time frame.
Twin Mom
04-26-2008, 12:52 AM
Don't have time to respond to the thread right now but I did want to congratulate Cheryl. Welcome to the twin mom club!
galvjen
04-26-2008, 06:59 AM
Our house is similar: two young DC (1 and 3) and two parents working full time. We have a cleaning lady every other week to help maintain order. Things aren't ever perfect but we're happy.
My general strategy is to set aside 30-45 minutes each weekday to family/house stuff - laundry, putting away toys, clutter, bill paying, vacation planning, etc... I also cook all the meals. My DH does the majority of the dishes. Whatever isn't done in that amt of time waits for another day. I do 1 load of laundry every other day to keep the weekends manageable. Weekends I do a zillion errands while DH plays with the kids.
That said - I leave work by 4pm and my highest priority is to share an hour at the playground with my DC every afternoon the weather allows. We have fun, get dirty and tired, and the house doesn't become even more chaotic since we're out. We also walk the dog which is another chunk of time we're not creating havoc indoors. Both of these activities are dedicated time with DS without the distractions of household stuff. Especially my older DS looks forward to these times.
Jen
dhano923
04-26-2008, 12:07 PM
I have a 4YO and a 2YO and work about 45-48 hours a week. I went back to work when DD was 10 months old.
Here's what we do -- we have a cleaning lady (actually 2 ladies) come every Friday to clean the house while we are at work. That right there takes a lot of the cleaning burden off me and DH because they take care of the things that we would have to spend weekends doing. If I do laundry and leave it on the bed, they will put it away for me too. When I first went back to work, we tried doing the cleaning ourselves and realized we were grumpy because we were tired and the kids didn't spend enough time with us. I had a cleaning lady before DD was born so I told DH that we would cut back on eating out, etc and hire someone and he agreed.
I drop off both the kids and DH picks them both up. I make dinner, he cleans up. We tak turns on on the baths, and we both help put pajamas on and say good night. I do my laundry and the kids, he does his laundry and whoever remembers does the sheets and towels. We take turns picking up the toys or we just do it together. I usually get groceries but he will go to Costco or pick up things if we only need a couple items.
If your DH doesn't contribute to the maintenance of your home, you need to talk to him. He lives there too. There's no reason why you should have to do all the work while he sits and watches.
almostsane
04-26-2008, 01:59 PM
Wow, what a load off to know that other moms feel the same way I do. I want to clarify something though, I do not think poorly of DH, I think part of it is my fault. I learned years ago that I have to tell him what needs to be done, and most of the time, he will do it. Men just don't think or see things like we do. Well, most of the time. Anyway, this morning, I did some laundry and spent the morning outside playing for a couple of hours with DS. I just said to myself, no one but me cares about the house. It was really nice. I am now going to fold some laundry and then spend some time with DS when he gets up. I really think that my kids will remember the quality time when they grow up, not how clean/not clean our house was. Thanks for all of the advice and I think I will look into flylady.:)
karstmama
04-26-2008, 04:55 PM
a suggestion - see if it resonates with anyone.
if *i'm* working, *he* should be, too. in other words, nobody gets down time while the other stews and scrubs the bathroom.
this suggestion is from a book on cleaning by don (i think his last name's aslett). the basic thought is everyone who is able puts in the time to do the chores on the list. if i finish the laundry and you're still vacuuming, then i start dusting. then when you're done vacuuming, if dusting is the only thing not complete, you jump in with another duster, or if the bed needs making, you hop to that. then, when the list is done, everybody's free to do whatever.
this way, maybe you'd feel the basics were covered and if you felt like organizing your cabinets while he played on the internet, so be it. :)
kijip
04-26-2008, 08:58 PM
For me it is about expectations. Both expectations of myself and of my husband. I know what I can live with and what I can't as well as what my ideal would be and I aim for what I can live with, not always my ideal. I married someone I knew was hands on with house work and had similar views on what he wanted his day to day life to look like and be like. For me, I work mostly full-time and go to school part-time in a professional development program and my husband works part-time and goes to school full-time. We are busy to say the very least. But working together we have time to cook at home and keep a clean house. Some things we don't have time to do regularly. For example, we live in a mostly clean but largely undecorated house. I can live with it being undecorated but I can't live with it being dirty so what we can live without goes. I can tolerate a messy son's room or a jumbled mess of gardening tools and dirt in the garage but not a pile of junk in the entry way or a smelly fridge so the fridge and hall get cleaned first. We have a lot of time with our son - we are usually home together no later than 5:30, but often sooner (and home or not, on his 4 school days my son is with my husband or occasionally me after 2:15PM, sometimes just hanging out in the library or park). And we make time in the morning for family by eating breakfast together.
Preplanning is key for me. I don't have time to come home and think about what is for dinner...having a schedule and preferably having that dinner waiting in the crockpot is what I have time for. I don't have time to wake up and cook pancakes every morning, but I can wake up and know the plan is to toast some english muffins and scramble eggs. I don't have time to think about when I am going to clean this or that, I just know that currently on Sunday afternoons we run through the house deep cleaning for up to an hour until the place is clean (used to be me alone on Saturdays when he worked all weekend and before that it was us on Saturdays). I don't have time to sort through cluttered papers in the dining room and living room so I don't bring papers into those spaces...the mail gets opened over the trash in the office first thing when I get home and then we are done with it. It also helps to have less stuff to make a mess with. We resist bringing stuff into the house that we don't really want to live with...if we stop using something or our son stops planing with something it goes to live in the garage for a bit and then leaves the house via donation, freecycle or craigslist. This has helped over the time that we have been married keep things cleaner and cleaner. Less stuff, less mess potential. We keep things tidy during the week because we don't have the time to clean them if they pile up. So after dinner, the dishes are loaded into the dishwasher, the counters wiped down and the floor swept. Then we BOTH have family time followed by down time (or as the case may be study time, LOL). I know if sounds like it is out of a Women's Helpful Tips article in some magazine but we mini clean the bathrooms when we use them (wiping out the sinks after we brush our teeth for example). It is the small things that we each do that add up to allow us time to not stress about big messes.
Also, we both have the same expectations. We did not always have the same expectations and we do not always agree on how to handle new things that come up, but we come up with the game plan together. If I was unwinding on the couch while my husband dealt with everything or vice versa we'd go crazy. We each expect to have a some chores/house stuff and some downtime and we each get it. So we decide what we each expect in the way of how the house looks and feels and how we get our own things done (like leisure, studying, reading etc), reconcile the differences and go from there. Obviously it is not perfect, but it is what works for us the bulk of the time. Our capacity for housekeeping (which would impact our level of happiness) would be damaged tremendously if one of us was a perfectionist or trying to do-it-all and one was more laid back, ready to take downtime even if it was a mess in the house sort of thing. We each expect to get to do some of the things we want to do and also to do the things we just do because they gotta be done. It shifts too, when I am home in the summer more I do more around the house to get it ready for the busy times and when he was working weekends, I did the deeper house cleanings so that we could enjoy our time together without cleaning. And when my class has a big project or work has an event, he steps up and does more or we cut our expectations. One specific example- during his busiest week at school each quarter he studies most nights and does not have time to do the dishes or help clean. Well, I flat out refuse to do the cooking and then all of the cleaning afterwards all by myself because then I won't get much family time or fun time. So I made sandwiches and we eat off napkins that week or I order in. It'll drive me nuts to have to do it all, so I plan to have less to do that week.
wolverine2
04-26-2008, 10:24 PM
I am struggling with this right now, having gone back to work a month ago after DS 2. I am a bit of a natural slob anyway, but don't really like it, so the house drives me crazy and I just can't keep up, and dinner stresses me out. On top of that, DH is a SAHD, and I really feel like I still do most of the housework/cooking, although I honestly think he feels like he does just as much. I think he's just oblivious to what needs to be done. He spends incredibly quality time with DS's, which is great, but he can't multi-task at all and throw dinner at the oven while playing. We need to have a talk because he has got to start cooking dinner.
Anyway, I digress. What does work when I do it is pre-planning dinner. Also, spending 15-20 minutes cleaning up the kitchen after dinner (or something else if the kitchen is done). Things are just better in the morning if there's not a mess in the kitchen at least. We've had cleaning people on and off, but I find picking up for them stressful. :) I do want to get back to that though. I'm wondering if DH and I spend 15 minutes each in one room a day (we happen to have 7 rooms), if that might help keep ahead of the mess.
Sometimes I just forget everything and watch a movie, and that's ok too!
Good luck!
hillview
04-27-2008, 01:19 PM
DH and I both work ft out of the house -- well I work at home most days but am on the phone/computer 8-6. We have a cleaning person who comes every Friday. We share the load most of the time. We both sort of do whatever needs to be done (really NEEDS to be done, we have a ton of things that don't get done). No one really sits around very much. We are in sleep and work mode. DH will sit and read the paper or do a crossword on occasion. I am on this board on occasion. The rest of the time we are playing with DSs or doing chores or talking etc. One thing that I think really makes a difference for us is that we don't watch TV other than Red Sox games. DH gets totally absorbed by TV and he HATES it.
Sometimes DH is sitting there when I need him to be doing something so that DS gets to bed or something like that. I don't hesitate to tell him very directly what needs to be done so we can get DS to bed or get out the door etc. He doesn't read minds. :)
GOOD LUCK!
/hillary
JMarie
04-27-2008, 02:24 PM
DH and I both work FT outside the home, and we both help out around the house. He knows that I need just as much down-time as he does, sometimes more (he works nights, so he has his own time to himself when DS is in school. I have 45 minutes from when I get home until when DS gets home. No 'me-time'). He is mostly wonderful about helping around the house - he does all the laundry (though it may stay piled up in the laundry room all week) and he washes the dishes. Lately, he's picked up a lot more slack since I've been slammed with exhaustion and morning/all-day sickness. He's made sure the toilets stay bright and clean, because that's one thing that just seems to set off the nausea. Not an easy task when we have a 5 y.o. little boy who MUST stand to pee and has terrible aim...
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.