Mother's Day Drama and other Holidays while I'm at it

[MacMacMoo]

Mother's day is around the corner and we have the issue of oh no now what! His sister who has been married for the past six years and been hosting a duel mother's day for her mom and her mother in long for "as long as we can remeber" since somepoint in their engagment has invited me to take part since well his mom will be my mother in law. We on the other hand got married this year and so we have none of the "how it use to be" to help us out. I don't mind the inlaws and the inlaws inlaws but at the same time what about my mom. We all live locally so distance and time isn't an issue yet will be next year when me and the hubby and baby int he making move to another state.

however, my mom wants is her kids to come over for a nice littel brunch... which well just so happens to be around the same time as when the mom's day thing at SIL is starting up. so what to do? Send the hubby to his mom's first and meet up with him? make it all dramatic and have him come with me to my mom's little brunch? How do we deal with this?

and what about the other holidays? how did you juggling the whole first few years of well it's thanksgiving here and christmas there and swtich. how do you decided whose house to go to the first year of it all? or make the call you are even going to someone house and not just staying at your own?

I guess boundries are becoming an issue. His side is more demanding and plans each holiday no matter how small weeks in advance were as my family is spur of the moment. so i have been getting caught with okaying something early one but conflicts later arrise. I dont' want my family to feel left out but more over I want to feel that in the future we can have an us holiday and not have to get focesed into the "well that's how it use to be."

Yelp!

[purpleeyes]

Oh, this is tough. Fortunatly, its easier for us b/c my family is here and DH's is about 4 hours away. The easiest way for us was to split the holidays-we do Christmas in our own home,and then visit DH's family later on in the week. We always to Easter at my MIL's house so she has a big holiday with the kids, too. It was something we had to work out!

I would say this mother's day that you try to fit in both if possible, since they are local.

But in the future maybe you could host something for everyone? :) SOmetimes I wish my MIL was closer, it would save on the b!tching if we could just head over to her house for dinner sometime, KWIM?

[caheinz]

You and your DH need to decide how you want to spend your holidays. Figure out which are the most important to you and your family, and ask him to do the same.

Then you split them up. The first year, you just try to split as well as you can. If anyone gets upset, just remind them of the last/next holiday that will go their way. After the first year, you will have a precedent, and you can either continue as you have, or switch which family gets what (you might need to do that with the really big ones on both lists -- for instance, if both families place an emphasis on Christmas Eve).

It'll be easier if you and your DH are on the same page. And don't be afraid to set your own precedents. If SIL does a Mother's Day brunch for her mom/MIL, why don't you do brunch with your mom, and then take MIL out for a nice dinner later?

[traciann]

just wait until you have your own children, that always makes it more difficult. I agree with pp. You need to look at what you and dh want to do, and not feel obligated to do what always has been done. It best to start setting your traditions now if at all possible.

[klwa]

Sounds like it's SIL rather than MIL who's making life difficult? If so, get DH to talk to his mom and explain that YOUR family has something going on at brunch, and that you'd love to take her out for supper. That way you're still seeing them all, but on yoru own terms. let me tell you, it's very important to have your own terms. Or, ask your mom if you can do a supper arrangement instead of brunch. I've got to talk to DH to see if we can take his mom out for supper either that day or the Friday before, so I can go spend that weekend with my dad.....

[AngelaS]

Decide your boundries now. If you want to go 'every other year' to each family, great. That works for many people.

But don't forget about your family --the one of you and dh and any future babies. Someday you'll want your own traditions that don't involve traipsing all over for every holiday.

My dh insisted he and I spend Christmas Day by ourselves the second or 3rd year of our marriage. I was resistant at first, but now that we have our own kids, I'm SO thankful that Christmas Day is our holiday! :)

[misshollygolightly]

Balancing family visits is always a challenge, but it really can be done! My husband and I live far away from both sets of parents (which automatically limits the time we can spend with them), but one thing we've found to be really helpful is to always make sure that we have some definite plan to visit each of them in the future, and that they know about it. What I mean is this: if we won't be seeing one set for Christmas (or Mother's Day, or whatever), we go ahead and make plans to spend time with them say, over summer break (or, in your case, you might make plans to take your mom out for lunch and a pedicure the week following Mother's Day, if you won't see her ON Mother's Day). The key for us is just having a definite date we can tell our families, so they can look forward to it and *know* they'll be seeing us (even if it isn't for six months!). This is more helpful (and realistic) than trying to make sure we spend the exact same amount of time or holidays with each set, and it also gives them something to look forward to. Our folks just want to know they will spend time with us--they don't necessarily care whether it occurs over a national holiday. In fact, visits are usually more relaxing and fun when they don't overlap with big holidays!

[karstmama]

these suggestions aren't so much for 'small' holidays like mother's day, but might help with the big ones.

first, have a chat with your dh. find out *exactly* what holidays, meals, etc are celebrated in their household. for instance, i was surprised that thanksgiving to my ex's family meant supper. in ours, it was always lunch. so, since our parents lived about an hour apart, that made tgvg easy. well, easy on the travel, tough on the tummy! ;) also, christmas eve supper and christmas night supper were the big meals for them, christmas lunch for us. some holidays might easily split, easier than you might have thought.

when i was growing up, tgvg was for daddy's side (he was one of 7 sibs) to all get together, and christmas was for mama's side (since we were the only grandkids on that side & they actually gave us gifts, not cards. not that i blame daddy's parents - they had 19 grandkids!). so you might find 'natural' splits among the holidays, as well. or, of course, you might switch back & forth a few years.

either way, as long as you've done your best to be fair & try to include what's really important to all sides (including your new family! if that means staying home or hosting, then great!), relax the best you can & let the chips fall where they may. someone's gonna be disappointed - that someone would be disappointed if you never saw him/her or if you lived with them, they're just always gonna be disappointed. it is his/her problem, not yours.

[Melanie]

Well, for most holidays, in general, we luckily have each side celebrating ones from different religions. For those that overlap like Thanksgiving we do an every-other-year thing. Mother's Day we usually get together with my mom, but if we go to a restaurant we'll invite MIL, too. She works Sundays so that gives us a fairly easy 'out.'