WWYD if she were your friend? (long)

[happy2bamom]

I have a group of 3 friends that are trying to lose weight and we offer each other support through a blog. One of the 3 friends has lost over 35 pounds in 7 weeks! In comparison, I have lost a whopping 4 pounds. (We started out around the same weight) She is my friend and I am happy that she is committed to her program and losing weight, BUT... I am so sick of hearing how none of her clothes fit anymore (and that I can now have them because they are HUGE on her), how much weight she loses every day, how skinny she is getting, etc... I mean we can't have a conversation without her talking about how great she looks and how easy this diet is for her. She brags that she forgets to eat her points during the day so every night she has cookies and soda so that she can get all of her points in.

So, I want to be supportive of her success, BUT it is difficult when I am struggling EVERYDAY to not overeat. I am working as hard as she is at this diet and have almost nothing to show for it. It is so frickin frustrating.

To be fair, she is a very sweet and caring person so I don't think that she is doing this as a slam at me. I just think that she is so focused on herself that she can't begin to put herself in my shoes. I don't want to be confrontational with her, especially if this is my own baggage that I need to deal with. At the same time, I've been distancing myself from her b/c I get so frustrated talking about how fabulous she looks!

How would you handle it?

[khm]

In my limited experience, she's NOT slamming you or bragging. She's just..... in that weird zone where she doesn't realize that she's hurting you by talking about her success. You might have to gently broach the subject and tell her that you are thrilled for her. But, could she maybe try and see things from your side re: offering you clothes, etc.

And, honestly, maybe this isn't the diet for you. I tried and failed miserably at the WW Points. I need need need to watch my simple carbs. I have to. I know this, I've lived and learned this many times. But, I got caught up in the Points and relished eating things that were good points-wise, but bad for ME. I ended up feeling bloated and heavy and cranky after a month. And, I felt so darn hungry, and I missed cheese. ;)

So, I went back to cutting out simple carbs and boom. A whoosh of water weight loss left me feeling downright svelte within a week. I know it is just water at first, but man, it sucks to carry it around just as much as if it were fat! I am no longer hungry all the time. I'm focusing on enjoying the things I can eat and trying not to miss what I can't.

That might not be your issue at all, but I thought I'd toss it out there.

I think you just need to be honest with your friend. She's really just in that foggy haze right now. Don't let it hurt your friendship.

[deannanb]

The first thing you need to remember that unless supervised by a doctor losing 37 pounds in 7 weeks ins't healthy (unless waaaaaaay overweight) If she is eating cookies and drinking soda - then something isn't right.

A healthy amount is to lose up to 2 pounds a week -

so as long as you are being healthy, losing 4 pounds is a great job!

If she says something about her weight I would just say something like "good job." and leave it at that.

As hard as it might be, distancing yourself is probably not a bad idea.

Good luck with your weight loss! Remember how long it took you to put it on - it will take you just as long to take it off.

[gatorsmom]

A few thoughts. First, I suspect that 35 pounds in 7 weeks is NOT healthy and when she goes off the diet some of that weight may come back. I could be wrong about this, but it seems like a lot in a short amount of time. But, honestly, I'd keep that thought to myself. I also think that her comment about eating cookies and drinking soda at night sounds like her eating habits aren't very healthy. Is she trying to lose weight or improve her health?

I'm sure it is hard for you to be supportive, but based on those 2 comments, I predict that if you wait it out, her weight loss pattern is going to change. Those are DEFINITELY sour grapes comments, though. I wouldnt' repeat those to your friend. Just adding those to help you get through this time.

She sounds like she is just very happy. and yeah, maybe she does want to lord it over you a bit. But you know how fantastic you feel when you lose weight. Especially when it's so dang hard. Grin and bare it for a bit. You would want her to do the same, wouldn't you?

[salsah]

The first thing you need to remember that unless supervised by a doctor losing 37 pounds in 7 weeks ins't healthy (unless waaaaaaay overweight) If she is eating cookies and drinking soda - then something isn't right.

A healthy amount is to lose up to 2 pounds a week -

so as long as you are being healthy, losing 4 pounds is a great job!

If she says something about her weight I would just say something like "good job." and leave it at that.

As hard as it might be, distancing yourself is probably not a bad idea.

Good luck with your weight loss! Remember how long it took you to put it on - it will take you just as long to take it off.

excellent advice.

loosing 35 lbs in 7 weeks while drinking soda and eating cookies every night might not be a result of successful deiting but rather an indication that something else is going on. since she might not appreciate you bursting her bubble by telling her that she may have a serious medical condition, perhaps you can suggest that, in the spirit of getting healthy, all of you see you dr.s for a physical / routine tests (cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.). it is a good idea for all of you and if your friend's drastic weight loss is a problem, her doc can address the issue with her (hopefully she has just suddenly been blessed with super high metabolism).

as for your weightloss, remind yourself that everyone is different and you are doing a great job. stick to it and focus on the goal of getting and staying healthy (not the numbers on the scale). good luck!

[dr mom]

A few years ago at the height of the carb-avoidance crazy, DH and I went on the Atkins diet together. During the first two weeks, I lost a pound, and I was hungry and irritable all the time. DH lost ten pounds in the first few days, and he complained that all his pants were too loose. He decided that he could only stay on the diet for a month "because otherwise I'll lose too much weight!"

When I gently suggested to him that maybe he was losing water weight and not actual poundage, he was terribly offended, so I let it drop. (But I must confess, I was also secretly pissed that I was on the exact same diet, eating the exact same food, and he lost a boatload of weight and I lost...one pound.)

I don't think it's realistic or sustainable to lose more than a pound or two a week, as the PP's suggested. 35 pounds in 7 weeks is...unusual. Long-term weight loss requires a permanent committment to healthy eating habits (not cookies and soda) and regular exercise.

Maybe instead of focusing on the data and the poundage, you could suggest changing the emphasis of the blog so that every day each person says something to encourage the other members - not just in weight loss, but in a committment to healthy living? Everyone will lose weight at a different rate, so comparing results isn't really meaningful...but you can all choose to make lifestyle changes, and talk about new strategies for eating healthy, how to avoid dietary pitfalls, and incorporating exercise to help with overall fitness and burning calories.

Bragging about how "easy" it is to lose weight is NOT supportive! And I think it's ok to tell your friend that, in a gentle way, while also suggesting ways that you could all support one another better as friends.

[geochick]

I'd use humor and tell the truth through humor...

"Wow, <insert name here>, I can't believe how well you're doing, and I love hearing about your success, but I'm feeling kind of like a Butterball over here...you're going to have to tone it down or you'll be responsible for my therapy bill."

[megs4413]

my mom and I are going through this right now. I started a diet/exercise routine about 6.5 weeks ago. My mom started back in January. She has lost 1lb total...I have lost 21. I didn't realize talking about my successes was hurting her feelings, but then I got really angry that she couldn't just be happy for me...I can't change the fact that she's not seeing the same results.

So, in my opinion, these are YOUR issues that you need to work through...try just being happy for her, but let her know that you're sensitive to some of her remarks because I know she doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't mean to make you feel discouraged. Just be there for eachother...that's what you were trying to do in the first place, right?

And on another note, if this diet isn't working well for you, maybe you should try something else that might be more geared toward what your individual body needs...

[shilo]

i think most of what i'm thinking has already been said. but i just want to add, that for _me_ the first 'diet' i've ever been successful at in my entire life (and i'm talking since puberty here) has also been the slowest one. i say 'diet' because really it was more of a lifestyle - taking care of myself, eating more nutritiously and exercising regularly for the first time, ever. dieting stinks, but a lifestyle choice, that's doable. give yourself credit for what your hard work has already accomplished!

i'll tell you numbers, but only to illustrate that the rate you're loosing weight at is just fine! everybody's body is different. mine is what it is, slow metabolism, big hips that hold onto every last fat cell and all. i took off 60 lbs between sam's pregnancy and this one, and started this one about 20 lbs. lighter than sam's. but that took me 2 years, 6 months and 14 days, with the majority of that time being the last 20lbs. even if you take the total weight and divide it by the total weeks, that's _less than half a pound a week_. i had many months where i only lost a half to one pound in the entire month. so all that to say, stick with it. turtle power to you - the tortoise sometimes wins the race (or in this case, winds up healthiest) in the end. focus on you - you're doing great!

lori

[KBecks]

I'm honest with my friends. I would say, I'm totally happy with you and impressed with what you're doing, but it's hard for me to hear about your success because I'm struggling. Can we talk about other things when we get together?

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

This is me and DH! He started a diet a week after I did and he has far exceeded my weight loss. I am completely jealous. He is really excited about his weight loss and not at all trying to rub it in. He is just genuinely happy. Yes, I still make backhanded comments back to him but I know it's not fair. I am trying really hard to not go with my first instinct and rather congratulate his progress and hardwork. He's not being mean about it, it's just my insecruity.

Just know that your friend is excited and this is her way of letting you know. I do agree that 35 pounds is 7 weeks is ridiculous though. She might want to consult a doctor and see if something else is going on because that might not be healthy.

[egoldber]

I agree that 35 pounds in 7 weeks is pretty excessive. But if she had a LOT of weight to lose (like in the 100 pound range), exercised a LOT and made major diet modifications, then I can see it. But sustained weight loss like that is not really very healthy.

Its interesting, 4 years ago, DH and I did the South Beach diet together. He lost a lot more than I did a lot faster and I was very jealous. Two pregnancies later, I had gained back some of what I lost, but he had gained back all. About 8 weeks ago, we started a new plan for healthy living and eating (working out 6 days a week and eating healthy) and I have lost 10 pounds and he has only lost about 4.

I am pretty happy with myself for losing that 10 pounds, but I am trying to keep a lid on it because I don't want to discourage him or make him feel bad. He has challenges that I don't have (he travels a great deal for work and has lots of business meetings that include food).

Anyway, thats all a long way to say that maybe your friend is just lucky right now. I would try to be happy for her and know that regardless of your weight loss, you are making changes that will make you overall a healthier person and thats a good thing. :)