Evil boy at Picture People! How would you react? (semi-long)

[elektra]

So what do you do when another child is being mean to your DC?

So I took my 13 mo DD to Picture People today to get some photos taken. It was my first time there, but I am now familiar with the drill- take pictures, wait for them to mock them up, select what you want, pay, wait for them to print.

So during one of the waiting times, I was walking around the store with DD and there was also a 4-year old boy walking around while his mother was waiting for her pictures or whatever.
Here are some of the things that came out of his mouth, speaking to DD:

"This is my most favorite balloon and YOU can't have it" (while waving it in front of DD)
"If you try to take my balloon I'm going to hit you."
After DD fell while trying to walk in her new shoes and I commented to the other mother how they were a bit big, evil boy says, "if I had big shoes, I would fall into you and hurt you". WTF?

It made me so sad and furious to hear this little brat talking to my daughter this way. I had read a post earlier about how it's better not to be passive/aggressive by talking to or scolding a child that is not yours. And you should instead address any problems you might have to the parent instead. However, I totally regret not saying something to this kid. At least, "that's not a nice thing to say". I can't be 100% sure, but I don't think his mother actually heard him say these things. I am seriously still upset about it. I don't think I'll be holding back in the future, especially as DD gets older and actually understands what's being said better.

It's so funny because I totally had the aforementioned BBB post in my mind while I was in the studio! But I didn't really see the benefit of walking all the way over to the mother and explaining how her son was saying mean things to my daughter. It would have just been weird. I will never see this person again. I really think I should have just addressed the kid directly, since his mom was not close by.

I'm probably overreacting to some degree at least, but it was the first time someone was so mean to DD! I guess it's gonna happen.

[Melanie]

I would just try to keep my child away from him. Maybe take a walk outside. I know that place is tough with all their waits and promises of 'one hour' when it really means 'more than an hour until we print the ones you don't want then you have to wait again until we print the ones you do want.'

I think it's one thing to go up to someone else's child like in the post you referred to, and another if an unattended child is seeking out your Dc to be mean. I might have said something like "let's go over here, Dd. I'll bet we can find you a balloon to! (or some redirect)" or "Oh, I hope you wouldn't fall if your shoes were too big! That might hurt you," "She's just a baby, she might try to take your balloon because she doesn't understand. Don't worry, I'll make sure you will get it back." I guess I'd try to address his actions and ignore the threats of violence. As disturbing as they are, you will likely never see this kid again so I'd just try to keep things cool while you're stuck there. Now if it was some child you will have to be around more often then I might address it with the parents.

[citymama]

Ugh, that is awful. Sorry about your experience.

We had a similar incident at the playground last week (the 4 yr old kid we dealt with was more bratty than evil - chased 2 yr old DD and poured sand in her hair, then started to pick a pretend fight with her and say aggressive stuff - his dad said NOTHING!). Since my DD is 2, she could pick up on the aggression and was upset by it, but was clearly confused about what was going on. In this case, I just moved us away from there. Honestly, there have been other times I've instinctively reacted in a protective way and said something to the kid, especially if s/he was being physically aggressive.

It's not just about this experience, but realizing our innocent little ones are going to be dealing with this by themselves alone in a few years. I don't really know how to deal with it. I've been singing "Don't you push me down" (wonderful Woody Guthrie song about a kid telling his friends not to bully him) to DD and it has made both of us feel a little better!

[KBecks]

I would speak to him directly and tell him those are not nice things to say to people. Then I might talk to his mom about if he's going through a phase right now.

[KBecks]

It is TOTALLY different if you are talking to a child because that child is being mean to your kid, and talking to a child because they are just doing normal kids things. Don't be shy about standing up for your child and shutting down inappropriate behavior.

[ThreeofUs]

It is TOTALLY different if you are talking to a child because that child is being mean to your kid, and talking to a child because they are just doing normal kids things. Don't be shy about standing up for your child and shutting down inappropriate behavior.


ITA - especially if the parent is not intervening.

I figure my job is to protect my child and to ensure he is not abused. If another child is saying mean/awful/objectionable things to my child, I do not allow it to continue. I say something, as gently as I would to my own child, usually focusing on what's wrong with the behavior and that it is not acceptable.

If the parent is there, and not taking an interest, that's just too bad. It's my job to be there for my DC.

I don't do this very often, but I have to say I have never had a negative reaction from a parent.

[hillview]

I would if possible remove DC from the situation. If that wasn't possible or practical I'd ignore most things but the "hit you" comment would cause me to without thinking look him in the eye and say firmly "we don't hit" and redirect him to his parent "oh, I think your mommy wants you/is looking for you."
/hillary

[SnuggleBuggles]

I haven't had a chance to read all the other replies but I agree with Melanie, especially this bit: ""She's just a baby, she might try to take your balloon because she doesn't understand. Don't worry, I'll make sure you will get it back.""

Beth

[jal]

I try to use these sorts of moments as teaching moments to my children. I point out to my children how this other child's is behaving badly and an example of what they should NOT do. With any luck, the parent is within earshot and "gets the hint".

[elektra]

Thanks for the comments. I think they will help me just let this go, and stop thinking about it. The whole thing was just frighteningly bizarre though. I mean, my daughter is only 1! She was not even capable of provoking the boy.
I am glad I didn't get outwardly and upset at the boy, saying something like, "What did you just say?!?!?" in an angry voice or something. Since the mom was not nearby (in her defense, after being in the place for 2 hours, it's not an easy task to deal with everything while keeping your child right by your side), I definitely should at least told him that he wasn't being nice.
I did try to just direct DD away, and walk somewhere else, which was really the only thing that was in my control that I could do. That did work to some degree, but the boy kept seeking us out.
Anyway, it's over and I do feel better prepared for the next time!

[JTsMom]

:hug: It's hard when someone says something mean to your baby. I think what he was saying was kind of bizzarre- makes me sad for him b/c I wonder what is going on in his life that makes him say those type of things.

I was one of the people who complained in the other thread, and I totally agree with pp's who said this is an entirely different situation. The situations described in the other post were mainly ones where the buttinsky wasn't directly involved. Once it involves your child, all bets are off!

[dr mom]

Part of raising our children is teaching them how to stand up for themselves. Now obviously your 13-month-old DD isn't in a position to do this for herself yet, but you can begin modeling for her how to handle conflict with other children. If another child is bullying DS, I speak up for him: "DS doesn't like it when you take his truck, he is not finished playing with it, he says it's my turn now" "DS doesn't like to be called names, he says don't talk to me that way" "DS doesn't like to be chased, he says don't chase me."

By doing this, I'm trying to do several things: stop the problem behavior, empower DS to speak up for himself, and give him the vocabulary to do so.

Or, you can try my mother's patented "mafia" approach...when a much older and bigger child was chasing and repeatedly trying to hurt my terrified DS at a children's playground last month, she got so angry that she got right in the bully's face and explained that if he touched DS one more time, she was going to break both his legs. I can't recommend that strategy, but I will admit that the bully steered clear of my child after that.

[Melanie]

Or, you can try my mother's patented "mafia" approach...when a much older and bigger child was chasing and repeatedly trying to hurt my terrified DS at a children's playground last month, she got so angry that she got right in the bully's face and explained that if he touched DS one more time, she was going to break both his legs. I can't recommend that strategy, but I will admit that the bully steered clear of my child after that.

OMG. LOL! I'm totally picturing a grandma taking on a 9 year old right now. That's definitely an unusual approach.