circ DS1 and not DS2?

[megv]

Just wondering if anyone has BTDT. Tormenting myself over the circ question c DS2. I was hoping for a girl so I didnt need to decide, but we have DS2.

DS1 is circ'd. I never wanted to circ DS1 but I gave in to DH when we were discussing. Now he says he wants me to decide for DS2.

I really do not want to do it.

Do you all think it matters if DS2 is different than DH and big brother?

The age difference is 3 1/2 years, so yes they will see each other.

I have a few weeks to decide as baby was born at birth center.

[o_mom]

Here are some threads from MDC on the subject:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-452354.html

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-218406.html

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-537438.html

I can say that it really doesn't matter that they are different from your DH any more than having different color eyes or hair matters. The only comment mine have ever made is on the size difference.

If you really do not want to do it, please don't. Going against your instincts on something so permanent is setting yourself up for regrets (there is 24 page thread at MDC of parent who regret it). It can always be done later if your son chooses.

[Ceepa]

If you don't want to circ. DS2 then don't. You'll have enough fights over the years about equality and fairness because that's how siblings are (toys, size of cake slices, sitting in the airplane window seat, etc).

I doubt this will be an issue for your boys. Everyone's bodies are different anyway.

[mustangcobra44]

I think it's better to have both sons the same. For us it wasnt' even a question of doing it. There was no way I was going to leave a decision for my son like to that to have to face later in life. At a daddy-to-be class before our son was born one of the men mentioned he was fixing to have it done. You could feel a monumental groan/shudder/gasp of all the other men in unison. Just my 2cents worth.

[JBaxter]

I have 3 sons circ'd and if this one is a boy he will NOT be. I have done much more research and have decided it is not worth it. The circ rates in the US are going down and honestly boys dont stand around looking at each others penis. The excuse that dads want them to look like them is kind of off unless you grow it bigger( ok lets hope bigger) and have hair.

If you dont want to circ your son dont do it. Have your DH watch a video on HOW they do it it changed my DH's mind

[KBecks]

I wish I had not circ'd DS#2, especially. We circed #1 much for my husband while I was feeling a little hesitant, then I really did not want to circ #2, but went ahead with it because my DH wanted it and I was concerned about having one circ'd and one not.

Now with #3, we don't know the gender, but I will absolutely not circ if it is a boy, period. I will deal with explaining circ to the kids. It is perfectly fine to change your mind over time, and there's no reason to circ #2 if you don't want to.

Your DS1 will be OK, and your DS2 will also be OK.

With #2 I allowed myself to feel intimidated and afraid of having sons that didn't match, and I was worried about hurting my DS#1's feelings (when I should have only been concerned with DS#2's best interests). In hindsight I feel it was a terribly stupid mistake, and I can only recommend that you avoid doing that to yourself.

Best wishes for the upcoming delivery!!

[spanannie]

I have not BTDT, but if I were in that position, I would want both boys to be the same. My DS is almost 6 and I know that he'd definitely notice a difference if he had a big brother different than him, and this would bother him. Just my opinion; you have to do what is most comfortable for you.


Just wondering if anyone has BTDT. Tormenting myself over the circ question c DS2. I was hoping for a girl so I didnt need to decide, but we have DS2.

DS1 is circ'd. I never wanted to circ DS1 but I gave in to DH when we were discussing. Now he says he wants me to decide for DS2.

I really do not want to do it.

Do you all think it matters if DS2 is different than DH and big brother?

The age difference is 3 1/2 years, so yes they will see each other.

I have a few weeks to decide as baby was born at birth center.

[Momof3Labs]

I wish I had not circ'd DS#2, especially. We circed #1 much for my husband while I was feeling a little hesitant, then I really did not want to circ #2, but went ahead with it because my DH wanted it and I was concerned about having one circ'd and one not.

Now with #3, we don't know the gender, but I will absolutely not circ if it is a boy, period. I will deal with explaining circ to the kids. It is perfectly fine to change your mind over time, and there's no reason to circ #2 if you don't want to.

Your DS1 will be OK, and your DS2 will also be OK.

With #2 I allowed myself to feel intimidated and afraid of having sons that didn't match. In hindsight I feel it was a terribly stupid mistake, and I can only recommend that you avoid doing that to yourself.

This is pretty much my response to a "t", except that I'm not yet pregnant with a third.

DS1 - DH wanted to do it, I went along with it.

DS2 - I was very much on the fence, leaning towards not, and got talked into it (including by our ped and OB, who are otherwise pretty crunchy) since DS1 was circ'd. I regretted it almost immediately.

If there is a DS3, I won't let it happen.

[brittone2]

I honestly don't t hink it is a big deal for kids to be different from their brother unless you make it a big issue. DS is 4 and has yet to notice that DH is circ'd and that he has a foreskin. He has commented on the fact that he doesn't have hair (TMI) or the size difference, but has yet to even notice foreskin vs. no foreskin (and my kid is one of those kids that notices every little detail about everything in his whole life. He notices if my mom has new shoes, or if I have a pimple on my chin ;) ).

I have a boy and a girl, but when we were trying to decide about circing vs leaving DS intact, I did consider the "look like daddy" thing for a while. Someone pointed out to me that the presence or absence of hair is *far* more noticeable to a young child, and we don't really run around getting pubic hair toupees for our children so that they'll look like daddy ;) Of course, that is one of many opinions, but it really sank in for me at that moment that in our case, DS was *not* going to look like daddy (he would have a smaller penis and no pubic hair, whether intact or circ'd).

If I had two sons that had different looking penises, I would treat it nonchalantly. I would just say, it was something that at one time we thought was necessary and now know it *isn't* necessary, so we didn't. I honestly doubt there would be a whole lot more questioning. I've talked w/ a few moms that had two sons, one intact and one circ'd, and one or two of them had that conversation w/ their boys. The one that was intact actually seemed to feel badly for the brother that had to have surgery as a baby, kwim?

We accept that our children may have different hair color, different facial features, different sized feet. I think they are perfectly capable of accepting a not-terribly-obvious-to-a-child difference in penises. There are so many other features that are more obvious at all times.

If you don't feel it is necessary to circ the new baby, then I would not, personally. Doing it just so they "match" when you've already convinced yourself that it isn't necessary seems like it could possibly lead to regret. JMO.

There was also a recent thread on many docs moving toward loose circs that now look more like an intact penis. There are many kids that are now circ'd, and many that are left intact, and some with loose circs that may look more intact or somewhere in between circ'd and intact. I think in their lifetime variation on foreskins are going to be far, far, far more common.

[Ceepa]

Someone pointed out to me that the presence or absence of hair is *far* more noticeable to a young child, and we don't really run around getting pubic hair toupees for our children so that they'll look like daddy ;)

Oh, so we don't do that?

*quietly cancels order*

[brittone2]

Oh, so we don't do that?

*quietly cancels order*

ROFL! Well...you can do whatever works for yor fam, but around here we draw the line at the pubic hair toupees ;)

So crude, but that statement really resonated w/ me (maybe that demonstrates something about me ;) )when I was trying to decide if DS should be circ'd or not. It was my lightbulb moment for lack of a better description. Alas, I can't take credit for originating that statement though ;)

[megv]

thanks for all of the thoughtul input.

I really do not care about DS2 looking like Daddy; I was more worried about the distinction between brothers. Not even necessarily looking different, but having to explain to DS1 why we did for him and not DS2.

DS1 definitely has a loose circ, but the back-up OB who does the circs for the birth center is different, and the midwives have told me that he does not do the looser circ.

I have a week or so to decide, but I am feeling much more confident in my decision to leave him intact. I figure I have a bit of time to come up with an explanation for DS1.

[HannaAddict]

Hi,
If you don't want to do it, don't do it. :) There is absolutely NO, ZERO, NADDA, issue of "looking the same" with dad, brothers, or whoever. It is a non-issue, really. My son is not circumcised. Until I was pregnant with him I just blindly assumed he would be circumcised "because" and so did my husband. After looking at why it was done for non-religious reasons (same era as no breast feeding, etc.) and talking to our ped, we both decided not to. My son who is now four has NEVER expressed any interest in comparing penis styles to my husband or boys in his swim class when changing. He does say he wants underpants like dads (solid colors, no characters)! LOL. Your kids are different, they will look different in many different ways. When they are little their man parts won't look like much of anything in my opinion, and by the time there is any noticeable difference, I doubt they will be comparing them. If you are comfortable with not circumcising and don't have a "reason" other than "looking the same," then I would not do it. Even if you do it, there is no guarantee of them looking the same either, if you catch my drift. I guess the whole "looking the same" part was never part of our equation when we thought we would circumcise. We just thought we would because that is what people did in the 60's and 70's. Good luck.

[Melanie]

I think if you regret it, Ds2 can decide to circ later. It would be very hard if not impossible to do the opposite (seriously, google it, there are men who try to restore their foreskin at apparently great effort).

I think if they notice, early on when young the simple 'everyone looks different' (then give examples of how people you know do in hair/eyes/height/etc.) will work. You can save the philosophical stuff for later.

[brittone2]

thanks for all of the thoughtul input.

I really do not care about DS2 looking like Daddy; I was more worried about the distinction between brothers. Not even necessarily looking different, but having to explain to DS1 why we did for him and not DS2.



I brought up looking like daddy because IMO/IME, the comparative differences between a father and son are far, far more obvious than they are between siblings close to the same age. If most kids don't notice that their foreskin is different than their father's until they are older (or ever!), it is unlikely IMO to be a tremendously noticeable difference between brothers.

My 4 year old notices every little detail of everything, and as I said before, he really only notices daddy has hair and is much bigger ;)

Just clarifying as to why I brought up the "look like daddy" issue on a thread about siblings. IMO the difference between dad and son is far more noticeable. I doubt your DSs would realize for quite some time that they were different, especially if the older DS has a loose circ. When the time comes to discuss it, I'd start w/ everyone's body is different. If they want/need more info I'd just explain that at one time it was thought to be necessary and now we know it isn't medically necessary. Short and sweet and I doubt there would be that many followup questions.

Follow your heart and your research :) Best of luck.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My friends circ'ed #1 but not #2 or #3 b/c they decided it wasn't something they were comfortable with anymore. It has been a non-issue.

Beth

[Tondi G]

thanks for all of the thoughtul input.

I really do not care about DS2 looking like Daddy; I was more worried about the distinction between brothers. Not even necessarily looking different, but having to explain to DS1 why we did for him and not DS2.

DS1 definitely has a loose circ, but the back-up OB who does the circs for the birth center is different, and the midwives have told me that he does not do the looser circ.

I have a week or so to decide, but I am feeling much more confident in my decision to leave him intact. I figure I have a bit of time to come up with an explanation for DS1.

If you decide to go ahead and have your DS#2 circumcised you don't have to use the back up OB. If you are not happy with the style of circ-ing he does you can ask your ped for the number of a pediatric Urologist who can do it! I only offer another option not saying you should Circ. For what it's worth both my boys are circ'd and they are both on the looser side. my DH felt strongly about them being circ'd as he is Jewish. We also have some close friends who's son was not circ'd and he had to have it done when he was 5, it was MUCH harder for him later in life than it was for our little guys!

Good Luck... it's a tough decision to make.

~Tondi

[kransden]

Well, my brothers are in their late 40s and early 50s. My older brothers and dad aren't circ. but the younger is. It didn't give them any complexes according to them. So I think it doesn't really matter.

[new_mommy25]

Do they really notice the difference? DS is not circ'd and my nephew is. They run around naked outside in the sprinkler or the pool nearly every day. They have also taken hundreds of baths together. They are 18 months apart and never once have they noticed or mentioned the appearance of each others penis'.

[Wife_and_mommy]

My ds is circ'd but any future ds's will *not* be.

I'd also not use the OB if he's known for a tighter circ than you're comfortable with. It's not worth the potential problems if he cuts off too much.

ETA: This site was very informative in my reeducation on circ'ing: http://www.norm.org/whyrestore.html

[Jo..]

Oh, so we don't do that?

*quietly cancels order*

:ROTFLMAO: Sell it on swap. I'll buy it.

[candybomiller]

DS1 is circ'ed and DS2 is not. Hasn't been an issue yet.

[megv]

I cant thank you ladies enough...you have all really helped me to feel more confident in my decision. My instincts are really telling me no...I just needed a little encouragement to listen to them.

I actually think my biggest fear is all the guilt I feel that I caved in c DS1 and explaining why I didnt stand firm for him but I did for his brother.

Beth, I agree c your distinction btwn dad & sons; I just meant I wasnt concerned about that as much because they already are so different.

Now I just need to summon all of my powers of persuasion fo DH.

[KBecks]

Now I just need to summon all of my powers of persuasion fo DH.

Oh, but did your DH say he wants you to decide? Then just go for it! :)

I would refuse it in the hospital and leave it at that. Or, if it's not offered at your birthing center, then just don't make the appointment to have it done. If your DH comes to you, then discuss it calmly but be firm, there is no medical reason to do it.

Hang in there and enjoy your new little one!