I've had it with DH. Long. Sorry.

[MamaMolly]

Ugh! It is getting to the point where I suspect he is TRYING to stress me out. In the last week, he has:

Left his drinking glass on the floor, then not taken it away from DD when she picks it up and walks away with it. Of course she fell on it and THANK GOD she only got a tiny scratch on her arm when it shattered into 1000 pieces, but it could have been so much worse!

When asked by me to put an 8 inch screwdriver away, it turns out he dropped it into his computer case. On the floor. Unzipped. The same computer case DD has been pulling his papers out of for months. Guess what she was walking around with yesterday? Yup. An 8 inch screwdriver. Scared the shnitzel out of me! I got that one away from her without any harm done...except to my nerves.

He has 'warned' me that I need to move my jewelry from my bedside table because DD is getting into it. Well, it is the 'junk' jewelry, stuff I don't mind her playing with. But what does she pull out of HIS drawer on Monday? A bottle full of PAIN PILLS!!! From his surgery in November.

Last night he asked me if the stuff in the toilet was mold. Honestly I don't lift the seat much, and I did not scrub the potty this week. So I told him I guess it is mold. Now to his credit, he goes and gets the brush (out of the linen closet, way up high on a shelf) and does a 1/2 a$$ job swishing bleach around the toilet. BUT HE LEAVES THE BRUSH ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR!!! I'm so over it I closed the bathroom door and left it there. Let him figure out why I don't keep the toilet brush on the bathroom floor. DUH!

What KILLS me is that none of this is his fault. He isn't responsible because he 'forgot' he'd put stuff on the floor/in the bag/drawers, etc. So it isn't his fault DD has the stuff. WTF, so does that mean it is MINE???

Please, please, please, don't hold it against me when I smack him. Talking isn't working, he won't be reasoned with, and my stress level is over the top. I feel like I have to hold my breath all the time.

Ok, all done. It feels better to have it out, even though reading it is making me cry, literally, with frustration. Bless you if you've made it this far.

[karstmama]

oh, i'm sorry you're stressed. i have to say, your stress sounds reasonable to me! i hope you're able to take a breath & babyproof & husbandproof. he's acting a bit childish...

hugs to you!

[Ceepa]

Sounds like a very frustrating situation. Also sounds like you have to take matters into your own hands. Your DH isn't going to change right away so you'll need to get on your hands and knees yourself and travel around looking for hazards and then childproof them.

What matters most is protecting DD. When your Dh sees all the efforts you're making maybe he'll get the idea and be more proactive.

[ThreeofUs]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this - it sounds about as frustrating as it could be.

My DH is about as forgetful a person as possible - he's the ultimate "absent-minded professor". We had to have a months-long, very serious conversation about mindfulness when one has a child - that, unfortunately, had to range through "what does passive-aggressive mean" and "abdication of responsibility" before it got anywhere. (I swear I was on the verge of talking about divorce.)

ITA that you need to protect your DD as your first priority. What would happen if you talked seriously to your DH about that priority, and see how he feels about his responsibilities?

Anyway, I really hope things get better soon.

[LarsMal]

((HUGS)) Molly! I'd like to say I understand, but in my case *I* am the one who always seems to "forget" and does the sort of things your DH is doing!!! My DH is ALWAYS on me about leaving stuff around, including all of the things you've mentioned above! Except, not only did I leave the screwdriver out, I also left the screws within arms reach of my kiddos. I am such a scatterbrain these days I just don't think about stuff.

So, smack away! Give your DH a good one upside the head, and just to be fair- I'll have DH give me a whack when he comes home today!

At least now I understand his frustration and will do a better job of moving things! (I've never been good at the babyproofing thing!)

(I type this as my 2.5 yo is walking around stuck in the bath ring that he found under his bathroom sink. It just took me about 3 minutes to figure out how to get him out of it he was that stuck! A little shaking and shimmies, and a few tears, and he's free! At least it wasn't a "dangerous" object!)

[ha98ed14]

Sounds like a very frustrating situation. Also sounds like you have to take matters into your own hands. Your DH isn't going to change right away so you'll need to get on your hands and knees yourself and travel around looking for hazards and then childproof them.

What matters most is protecting DD. When your Dh sees all the efforts you're making maybe he'll get the idea and be more proactive.

Ok, I agree with this to a point. Yes, you need to be proactive about protecting DD, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES make this 100% your responsibility. You have one child, a DD. Your DH is not your DS. Don't treat him like one or let him get away with acting like one. DD is as much his child as yours.

I have had similar problems with my DH because he never wants to put anything away after using it. Like your DH with the screw driver and the toilet brush. He will take something out/off (knife, drill, butter, socks) and where he last had it is where it will lay. I have had some success by putting things in these terms, "When you leave things around after using them, you make more work for me. I am already responsible for cleaning and watching over DD. Please, do not make more work for me by making me follow you around and put away everything you take out. I have enough work to do with out that."

I think this message has gotten through because fortunately my DH really does not want to make more work for me, (i.e. he is not trying to stress me out) he is just, um, forgetful?, lazy?, doesn't care? Who knows? But my point is, don't give him a pass on this one because it is YOUR quality of life.

If you really think he is being passive/ aggressive (and the screw driver thing sure sounds like it!) confront him on it and ask him what other needs/ wants he has that are not being met that he feels the need to act like this? If this is more than just typical male-obliviousness-to-messes, then he is trying to send you a message. The problem won't get better until you figure out what that message is. My DH can be the same way if he is not getting something he needs/ wants.

You may have to resign to going around and moving the things, like the pill bottle, that DH just doesn't see, but there is no reason you should have to pick up his screw driver and the toilet brush he used. Good luck. I know it can be hard.

[trales]

How about getting a tupperware bin and putting everything he leaves out in it. Toilet brush, pain pills, screwdriver, etc. Store it up high, when he wants something, he can dig for it.

[MamaMolly]

Thanks everybody! I appreciate the sympathy and advice. I think if you guys had just agreed I smack him and go no further I'd have felt better, but it really wouldn't have helped me solve my problem. I'm going to cool off some and re-read, and then will put the ideas to good use.

Everyone has good points. DD's safety IS the priority, but her safety is not only my responsibility, it is a team effort. DH needs to wake up and pay some attention. I also need to figure out why DH is acting like this, and I agree that there are some issues lurking in the corners.

Thanks again.

[ShanaMama]

Ok, at this point I'm going to jump in with my .02. Keep in mind that not every parent is as aware and proactive as many of us BBB moms are. The examples you gave are pretty extreme but your DH might just be clueless. I often bring up ideas to DH that he thinks are way out. So though it doesn't sound like you're overreacting to me, it might sound that way to your DH. It might help to take into account your different personalities & parenting styles before addressing the issue. (And yes, sometimes I tell DH to just humor me even if he disagrees on the issue. But I do better once I've stopped trying to convince him to 'see the light'.)
Good luck!

[MamaMolly]

Ok, at this point I'm going to jump in with my .02. Keep in mind that not every parent is as aware and proactive as many of us BBB moms are. The examples you gave are pretty extreme but your DH might just be clueless. I often bring up ideas to DH that he thinks are way out. So though it doesn't sound like you're overreacting to me, it might sound that way to your DH. It might help to take into account your different personalities & parenting styles before addressing the issue. (And yes, sometimes I tell DH to just humor me even if he disagrees on the issue. But I do better once I've stopped trying to convince him to 'see the light'.)
Good luck!

This is very true. I think in part it comes from him not having to be with her all day and seeing what she can and does get into, and part because he delberately puts his head in the sand (thinks I'm overreacting). This is very much the case with DDs food allergies, although thanks to recent events he has *kind of* seen the light on that one.

But I also have to also agree with the diagnosis ;) of passive aggressive and abdicating responsibility. This has been building for quite a while in small ways, but I guess I'm really seeing it now that it is involving DD. I feel like I really have to stick to my guns about things with him because if I give him a pass or let things slide or pick up his slack he NEVER retakes the responsibility.

I just deleted a bunch of examples of his passive aggressive behavior because I realized as I was typing stuff out that I have a significant problem on my hands. I don't need to worry about his laundry list of stuff he does to aggravate me intentionally, I need to focus on why he is doing this stuff.

Ugh. I wonder if he even realizes what he is doing? He isn't a bad guy, I think he is unhappy right now.

Thanks again, mamas, for helping me to focus!

[punkrockmama]

Aw, big hugs Molly. Guys are dumb. My biggest pet peeve is when they just say sorry I forgot. Like that makes all the crap they did or didn't do A-OK. Like it's a pass.

I have to stop myself from yelling "Sorry doesn't fix it!". Someday I'm gonna bust that out on an ususpecting UPS guy or somethin'.

Ah, guess I really didn't help. All I can say is I hear ya and I'm sorry you're stressed out and worried. Hope it gets better soon.

[Nooknookmom]

I won't tell if you clobber him w/ a pool noodle. In fact I may borrow it when you're done ;)