Big ole' whiny post about my grandfather dying

[JTsMom]

Let me start off by saying I know I'm going to sound like a whiny selfish person, but I have to get this out, and if I do it here, I won't take it out on my family....


My grandfather passed away yesterday. While I'm sad for my Grandma b/c her whole world is upside down right now, the rest of the story is I really did not like the man. Really really did not like him. Couldn't be in the same room with him kind of not liking. He was extremely abusive to my mother when she was little. I don't want to go into the details, but suffice it to say she has an enormous amount of baggage because of it. He was just a rotten person all around- mean to everyone, always miserable. As I've gotten older, my mom has shared more and more, and my dislke of him grew and grew until it hit this point.
My grandmother, who waited on him 24/7 for her whole life, is deaf in one ear b/c he punched her in the head when she was pregnant. This is the kind of stuff I'm talking about- and this is just one example- there are hundreds of those stories. Really, I get along with just about everyone, but I can't forgive this sort of thing.


His funeral is going to be in Pittsburgh, and my mom wants me to go. I'll do it b/c I want to support her, but I'm dreading it for a million reasons, mostly the one I explained above, but also:

1. I can't afford to take this trip right now. I can't afford last minute flights for me and DS (DH can't go), and I can't afford a hotel for 4 nights. All to go to the funeral of a man I despise. My parents offered to drive, pay for the gas and a place to stay, so I can't really complain, but now I don't have much of a say in anything. They want to stay in a cabin (it's my whole family (8 of us), so something bigger than a hotel would be nice, but said cabin has no A/c, no window screens, no TV, and one bathroom. For 8 people. It's supposed to rain the whole time. Now, b/c of a bunch of stuff that would take to long to explain, I have to drive. Gas is going on $4 a gallon.


2. DS hates hates hates riding in the car. It's going to be 11 hours each way. In 5 days. When we get there, he'll be bored, expected to sit through viewings and a funeral, and be with a ton of people with hardly any quiet time. This is a baaaaaaaad mix. No tv, minimal toys, and a cousin that takes everything he has a scares the crap out of him.


3. Did I mention DH IS not going?


Also, I've been working on a scrapbook for the funeral for 2 weeks straight now. I'm exhausted, DS has been spending way to much time in front of the TV, and nobody sends me the stuff for the book until I have a total breakdown on them. I'm ready to pull my hair out.

DS (probably b/c of the bazillion hours of TV) is in rare form. He is extremely whiny, and going through a screaming phase.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks for listening.

[maestramommy]

:hug::hug:In a couple of weeks this will be just another bad memory.

[elektra]

That sounds just horrible. I probably would just not go.
I should mention though that when my grandmother died, it was helpful for me to go to the funeral and release the bad feelings I had towards her. The issues I had with her pale in comparison to what you mentioned about your grandfather, but there were still serious issues nonetheless, and it was cathartic for me to go. I said a prayer apologizing, forgiving her and forgiving myself for alot of things too. Fortunately I didn't have to trek 11 hours to get my catharsis though!
So if you do end up going, hopefully YOU can get something out of it too.

[wendmatt]

Oh man, that really sucks. I don't know what I'd do in your situation. Prob say DD was feeling bad and so we couldn't do the 11 hr drive, DD would do terrible for that long too. Although I guess that's asking for DS to get sick! Hope it goes OK for you.

[kedss]

hi Lori-

I went to my grandmother's funeral in December, and I went only to help my sister,as she was hosting the family after the service. I still cannot bring myself to forgive her for the things she did, and sometimes, its not possible. So don't be too hard on yourself.

The hardest part was hearing what wonderful qualities she had. Not from a minister, as it was a quaker service, but from the people who really knew her, so that was what made me cry at the service.

but, it was good to see family i hadn't seen in years. maybe if you can find some closure for yourself, it would be worth it. DH stayed with DS, so I didn't have to deal with that, but it was a hard decision for me to go,esp since i missed DS's 4th birthday in order to be there.

[karstmama]

i don't have anything to say except i'm sorry for what you're dealing with.

[tarabenet]

Poor thing!

You are looking a bit peaked, dear. I think you may be coming down with something. Something contagious. Something that makes a long car trip out of the question. One of those nasty tummy bugs that has been going around, perhaps? You know, when that strikes you just have to stay home, close to your own bed and the lovely indoor plumbing you don't have to share with 7 other people!

OK, so it is a chicken's way out. But I would totally use it in your situation.

[AngelaS]

I'm sorry you're being weighed down with all this.

It would be good to see extended family I'm sure but if you wanted to put your foot down and say, "No, it's not going to work after all" you certainly have every right to do that too.

[elephantmeg]

is there any way to leave DS home? And enjoy 22 hours of alone time? I'm sorry for everything, sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.

[JTsMom]

Aww, thanks guys. You all are making me feel better- it was good just to bitch about it some. Tarabenet, you actually had me laughing out loud. :)

As much as I would love to suddenly come down with something (and believe me, I have been thinking about it), I just can't do it to my mom- she'd be so upset, and the whole reason I don't like him in the first place is b/c of what he did to her (well, her and everyone else), so I don't want to add to her stress, you know?

Plus, Jason just adores her (and she adores him right back), so I know that will be a good distraction for her. It's just hard- I don't what to say to her half the time about this stuff, and with the crazy cabin stuff, it's just adding to the stress. The stuff we do for family! I think I'm just going to try to make the best of it- maybe it won't be as bad as I'm picturing. At least Jason will get to meet a bunch of family members for the first time, and I might try to squeeze in a trip to the zoo or something, if the weather cooperates.

[JTsMom]

is there any way to leave DS home? And enjoy 22 hours of alone time? I'm sorry for everything, sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.


I would love to, but it's a couple day thing, and DH has to work. I figure we'll just take lots of looooooooooooooong walks. LOL

[egoldber]

I'm sorry.

My father sounds pretty similar to your grandfather, although his abuse was mainly verbal. When he died a few years ago it was hard for me to hear all the "oh you must be so sorry..." Well, actually I wasn't that sorry. I had made my peace with him in my heart several years before he died, but that still didn't mean I was shedding a lot of tears for his passing.

But I went and I did it for my mother. Funerals, IME, are not for the dead. They are to show support for the living. I would go even though it will be very hard.