the BF strikes again!

[tnrnchick74]

I have shared the saga with the BF (FOB) several times here. I SHOULD just cut lose and never speak to him again....except that he IS the FOB.

The issue now...
I'm on bedrest for preterm labor. I have been for 2 weeks. I'm not going to get paid for most of my maternity leave now because I'm on bedrest until I deliver. BF/FOB isn't the most reliable at "helping" in ANY way. He CLAIMS he's going to "take care of everything" when he comes.

HIS plan is to come a couple of days before the scheduled c-section and stay for a month...during which time HE gets paid. Yeah, he SAYS he's going to pay my bills, etc while I'm not able to work. BUT in the same breath he reminds me of all HIS bills.

I've asked him several times what he's going to do if the baby arrives sooner than the scheduled c-section date. His reply - cross your legs and tell the baby he's not allowed to come out until May 27. :shake::irked::banghead::47:

The MAIN problem NOW! I'm in a LOT of pain. I live by myself. My mother lives over an hour away. I can barely walk because of back pain, leg muscle spasms, and hugely swollen feet/ankles. I'm having to be on bedrest, do my shopping, laundry, care for the dog, do all the household chores AND worry about $$ issues. I cannot do it anymore. I can barely walk to the bathroom by myself. I can barely bathe myself. I can barely wipe my own butt by myself without crying out in pain.

So, I explicitly and directly tell BF/FOB that I need him to come this weekend, even if it means he doesn't get ot stay until the baby is 4 weeks old. I need help now! I. REALLY. NEED. HELP. NOW. I. CANNOT. DO. THIS. ALONE. ANYMORE.

Yeah, I can move in with my Mom...but I would be sleeping on a crappy mattress, living out of a suitcase, and not be home to deal with mail/packages/etc. And its not fair to my Mom for me to force myself on her home life. (Yeah, I'm probably too independant for my own good).

BF/FOB responds to my PLEAS for help by laying on a guilt trip! A BIG TIME guilt trip about all the things he THINKS he's done. Reality is that my MOM set up the nursery, decorated the nursery, bought a LOT of the stuff in the nursery, helps me as much as she can with household stuff, and has done EVERYTHING the FOB SHOULD do (except provide the sperm!). And I KNOW my Mom would love nothing more than to be in the delivery room...

The way I look at it, being in the delivery room is a privilege NOT a right. And honestly, my Mom has gone above and beyond. Does this make me a horrible person that I HOPE the baby comes early so HE can't make it in time?

I just sent him an email, basically stating that if he's not here by sunday to not bother coming. I just wish he would either stop his games & be a man/father or fall off the face of the earth and stop making my life miserable!

Thanks for listening to yet another segment in the crappy BF/FOB chronicles!

[kedss]

what an A$$!
I'm sorry he is being such a jerk, and he has no right to be in the delivery room or in the same neighborhood when yourDS is born.

big hugs!

[Wife_and_mommy]

Wow....

Strong hugs. I hope you let your mom stay with you for the delivery if you're comfortable with it. It sounds like she will be a huge part of your ds's life. :)

[Melbel]

I am sorry to hear that you are so miserable and pray that you feel better soon. You have come so far, and the day when you will hold your sweet baby boy is just around the corner. As for your BF, it sounds as though he continues to disappoint you on many levels. To preserve my sanity, I have learned to lower expectations with those people who have a tendency to disappoint. There are close family members from whom I expect absolutely nothing, and perhaps every now and then, they may actually come through for me, even in some small way. Preganancy in a stable relationship or marriage is not easy emotionally, physically or financially. In two separate households, your expenses will be much higher, similar to a divorce situation. You will face additional challenges, but the key is to do so with as much grace and dignity as you can muster. Hang in there! Even though BF is not there for you in the manner you expect, it does sound like he is at least trying on some level. How many FOBs take off an entire month of work? I will be lucky if my DH will take a full week off of work with a CS, 6 and 8 year old at home and little to no help from my family. While I would like more help, I also understand my DH's work demands. Is it possible for your mother to come stay with you until the baby is born? You would certainly be more comfortable in your own surroundings, not to mention, closer to the hospital if anything were to happen before your scheduled CS. It sounds like your mother would be a great comfort to you. As for the delivery room, I think you should have whichever person there who would bring you the most comfort and joy, regardless of whether that is your mom or BF. Finally, even though you are so MAD, and do not appreciate his weak attempts at humor (the close your legs comment), I do not think that ultimatums are productive. You will need his help, and he will be a part of your DS' life even if he disappoints you. Your DS will need a father figure in his life. Instead of focusing on those who disappoint you (BF), try your best to focus and be thankful for those who have not (friends, your mother, etc.). By adjusting expectations and focusing on positive things, you are bound to more easily survive these next 12 days. If your mother is unavailable, perhaps you could have friends check in on you more frequently. Finally, it sounds as though your pain levels are unusually high and perhaps it warrants a call to your OB for some relief. I wish you well.

[tnrnchick74]

I understand what you are saying about adjusting my attitude and perspective to the situation. But he's NEVER done what he said he was going to do. He manipulates the situation until HE gets what HE wants. And I've allowed him to do this until now.

He claims to care about me, but when I NEED him he refuses. He's allowed to take up to 12 weeks of FMLA, but chose to only take 4 so he "wouldn't blow through all his PTO time". He lives over 800 miles away and has had every opportunity to move here since FEB - and he choses not to.

He has bought 2 items for the baby. 2. That's it. And he has complained about EVERYTHING that I have bought. He complained about the pattern of the pack n play and swing that my coworkers got me (a pattern that I picked out and registered for) THEN complained that I spent too much time with my Mom setting things up and NOT talking to him. He only wants to come to meet his son - he doesn't care about me, my needs, or my discomfort. What he doesn't understand is that my pain and stress now affect the baby now as well. If he were here to take a load off of me, then it would be better for the baby.

Is it such a horrible thing to WANT the FOB to be here to take care of me now? I feel like I'm being used as a surrogate - he only will care when the baby gets here.

I'm not making ultimatums to him - I've told him what I expect and I've told him what the consequences of his actions will be. He makes the choices. I make the choices that are best for me and the baby.

He has the emotional depth & maturity of a slug. And he is the most selfish person I have ever met. Why did I stay with him? Well, I guess I hoped that one day he would start doing what he said he would do...to fulfil the promises he has made. And everytime I get dissappointed. I jsut don't have the time or the energy to BE dissappointed anymore.

So I get to move all of my stuff to my Mom's tomorrow to stay for an undefined time. I wish she could move in here with me, but she is still working...and my house is over an hour away from her job.

At this point the only thing I expect from the FOB is child support. He's not going to do anything that isn't mandated.

As far as the pain and limited mobility - I've been to the hospital and my OB many times. There is nothing they can do about it except for me to take tylenol and rest as much as possible. It has to do with the position of the baby putting extreme pressure on my nerves. I've tried yoga, massage, warm baths - nothing helps.

[kijip]

What a total ass.

Do you have friends that would move your bed to your mother's so you will be more comfortable (if there is space for it)? Just a thought!

[bubbaray]

He has the emotional depth & maturity of a slug. And he is the most selfish person I have ever met.


I'm really sorry you are going through this. And, I in NO way condone his behavior.

But, you and he are going to have a baby together. Even if he isn't *present* (physically or emotionally), you will be forever connected to this guy. You really need to make peace with that. Can you rise above his behavior and find a way to include him in the birth and PP period that works for you and him?? The PP period is rough enough. You won't need extra stress. Maybe there is a way he can help you that will work for him too -- and once he handles that, maybe he can cope with more responsibility??

I completely "get" why you are upset with his behavior -- I would be too and I think most moms would be. And, I think coming here to bitch so totally healthy too.

Good luck!

[tnrnchick74]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. And, I in NO way condone his behavior.

But, you and he are going to have a baby together. Even if he isn't *present* (physically or emotionally), you will be forever connected to this guy. You really need to make peace with that. Can you rise above his behavior and find a way to include him in the birth and PP period that works for you and him?? The PP period is rough enough. You won't need extra stress. Maybe there is a way he can help you that will work for him too -- and once he handles that, maybe he can cope with more responsibility??

I completely "get" why you are upset with his behavior -- I would be too and I think most moms would be. And, I think coming here to bitch so totally healthy too.

Good luck!

I am trying to make peace that he will have something to do with this child's life...that we will have to interact as adults. He's making these choices that have to be HIS way. I have family/friends lined up to help me PP. But from everything he's said it's "his" way or "no" way. Why am I the one who is supposed to meet HIS needs right now? What about my needs? What about the needs of this baby?

And I can't trust him to do what he says he's going to do. For all I know he will get a wild hair and NOT show up...or decide to stay for a day or so, then get bored. If he had shown any evidence that I could trust him to do what HE says he's going to do, it would be different. I'm just tired of his lies. I'm tired of the drama. I have too much stress in my life right this second.

I won't keep him from his child. If he chooses to come here after the baby is born, I will make sure he has opportunities to see/interact with his son. But *I* don't have to depend on him to care for me...my feeling is that if he's not willing to care for me now when I REALLY need him, then I can't count on him to care for me AND a baby. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[bubbaray]

Am I wrong for feeling this way?


Not at all. I'm just sayin', I think you'll find things a lot easier if you just accept that he is the way he is, KWIM? I mean, if he's not steppin' up to the plate now, I doubt he ever really will in a meaningful way. I'd guess that you're just gonna have to accept that and move on.

[tnrnchick74]

Not at all. I'm just sayin', I think you'll find things a lot easier if you just accept that he is the way he is, KWIM? I mean, if he's not steppin' up to the plate now, I doubt he ever really will in a meaningful way. I'd guess that you're just gonna have to accept that and move on.

Thanks - I think that's the point I'm getting to. He's going to do what he's going to do. I am going to have to focus on me and the baby. If he's doing what he says, great...but I can't plan based on his promises. Anything I get from him (financial or emotional) is just icing on the cake. At least I have good friends and a wonderful family to help me.

:hug:

[Wife_and_mommy]

I'm sitting here in tears for you...I can't imagine the stress you're going through in what should be the happiest times. I don't know what else to say except I'm so sorry.

[niccig]

A friend's DH sounds similar to your BF. They divorced when her son was 4, she said she could only handle one child not two and he said he wasn't ready to raise a child. But my reason for mentioning this, is that the Dad was involved in her son's life but he's very unreliable. If he said he would have the son on a particular night/day when she needed to do something, she always had somebody lined up as a backup. If the Dad came through, great. If not, the back-up was ready so she could still plan her life. It sounds like you may need to do something similar, and it sounds like you have support from famiy and friends. Bed rest is awful, and I'm glad you're going to your mother's house, so you're not alone.

[tnrnchick74]

thanks everyone - it's nice to have a "safe" place to come and vent. I know what needs to be done, but haven't been strong enough to do it. Its too close to the wire - he's had too many chances. I need to think about Parker and I and do what is best for us. If he gives any support, great. If not, *I* will have taken care of things.

Now back to the thank you notes, packing to go to Mom's, and laundry! But first a nap!

[elliput]

From an outside reader of following your saga, it has become very obvious to me that the SD (sperm donor) is not interested in being a father to this child at all. His demands that things be his way or the highway are telling me that he wants you to say "hit the highway, jack". If he was really interested in being a father to your child, he would have already been doing the part.

Please just tell him he is welcome to come at his leisure to see your child. Let him know that you are beyond thinking of your son as his also, because this is how you will need to approach the situation for a very long time.

This is my gut feeling about your situation and I felt it best to be very blunt. Please know that I intend my words to help you come to peace with it.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[MamaMolly]

First this: :22:

Your DC may have a flake for a dad, but he's got one helluva mommy! And FWIW DH didn't 'clue in' much until way after DD was born. I got a lot of the really stupid and IMO hurtful 'jokes' from him, he flaked on what were big things for me, wouldn't let me set up the nursery, buy stuff, I could go on but I won't! ;) I'm not saying I've been in your shoes or that I know how you feel, I just want to offer up that it took DH a while to get into this dad thing. As time has gone on (DD is 20 mos) he is getting better and better but he doesn't take the same things seriously as I do. And Fatherhood for Dummies and other fatherhood books might not hurt FOB either.

I agree with the PP who are trying to help you accept FOB for who he is: DCs dad. A jerk that is full of faults, totally not the way you want him to be, but DCs dad none the less. You are RIGHTFULLY angry with him but what is important is how you react to it. You cannot I repeat CANNOT change him. You can take care of yourself and your DC and decide how you want to deal with him.

And do you ever wonder that he might enjoy getting you wound up? Isn't it a little flattering to his ego that he can push your buttons so effectively? It would be an interesting experiment to see what he'd do if you just started treating him like a slightly crazy relative that is is better to ignore. Try to look at your interactions with him as an outsider would. Is he baiting you? Fishing for reactions? Pushing buttons? He sounds very manipulative (not following through, stringing you along etc) and I think it is time for you to turn the tables.

He doesn't like the patterns you choose? Fine. Tell him to ship you the things he'd prefer and you'll happily return the others. (Ok, so we all know he won't do this, so you win by letting him have his own way but actually getting yours!)

He wants to be there for the delivery but you have legitimate concerns that he won't show? Fine. Make a plan with your mom that he'll be there (IF that is what you want) but if he doesn't show will she please be with you. Arrange it ahead of time to take the sting out for you and mom.

See what I mean? It is like what one of the PPs said, always plan for a backup so if/when he flakes on you it doesn't really have an effect on you or DC.

Courage, dearheart. You are almost there, and you will feel soooo much better when your little one is here.

[tnrnchick74]

Well, its over. He's pulled the manipulation tactic one last time. His excuse for why he can't come now is $$. But when I ask him exactly what bills of mine he's going to pay - he says "We'll have to see". THEN he tells me his parents gave him a big check to "help out" with the baby. I said GREAT! Put it in my account and we can use that to pay MY bills. Of course he spouts off with every reason in the world why he can't possibly do that.

THEN THE KICKER - he tells me that he's got a new job lined up. that he's quiting his old job and will start his new job and won't have any vacation time for 6 months BUT its making TONS more $$. I told him that he's effectively chosen money over me and his child. That's fine. BUT he states that he wants me to move back there so "we can be together". HELL NO.

It's just another one of his manipulation tactics. I have no clue if there is $$ from his parents; if there is a new job; I don't know what the truth is anymore.

But I said the words FINALLY "I do not believe that this relationship will be successful. I do not believe this relationship is healthy and I chose not to continue it".

Now he's calling my phone a million times to "try to work something out". There is nothing to work out besides the child support and visitation situation. I HOPE he's got a great new job...our child will need the $$!!

I'm upset. I'm crying. But I also feel a huge weight off my shoulder.

[elliput]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[bubbaray]

Hugs. This too shall pass! Soon your DS will be here and none of your FOB's crap will matter at all.

[karstmama]

oh, honey, i'm sorry you're having to deal with this sh!t - it ain't good at any time, but now is particularly poor timing!

you've gotten great advice, it sounds like your head & heart are in the right places, and i think you're doing appropriate things. stick with it - children need limits, especially when they're about to become fathers.

for your pain - have you tried hands & knees or knee-chest? maybe that will shift him a bit.

cosmic hugs!!

[niccig]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I don't want to add more to your stress, but have you spoken to a family law attorney re. custody/child support etc? I don't know the legalities, but I'm thinking in the worst case manipulation scenario, you don't want to be blindsided by legal issues. I know you've got so much going on now, but talking to someone so you know where you stand will be much easier to do now rather than when you're sleep deprived and looking after a newborn.

Through all of this sh!te, keep thinking of Parker and what you need to do for him and yourself.

[tnrnchick74]

Thanks again everyone. For everything. For just even reading this saga.

I've researched custody/child support "stuff" here in FL. And I have the contacts for the state child support enforcement department. It's just going to take time after Parker's born.

I've asked him NOT to contact me anymore and to respect my need for low-stress relaxation during these last few days/weeks. So far he's complying, but I will turn my phone off if necessary and stop checking email also.

It will help being at my Mom's. I think I just need to eat something, crawl into bed, take come OB approved meds, and cry for awhile.

Reality sucks.

[MamaMolly]

THEN he tells me his parents gave him a big check to "help out" with the baby...

... I have no clue if there is $$ from his parents; if there is a new job; I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Have you considered getting in touch with his family? They will be Parker's grandparents and can go a looooong way in helping you. No matter what you think of his parents, they have shown that they are trying by giving FOB $$$. I have a distinct feeling they'd be none too pleased that FOB is using the money for something other than the baby. Perhaps you can call them to thank them for the kind gesture and mention that, given the situation, it would be best, in the future, if they would put it in an account in your name (and you can add Parker's after he is born).

Now they are going to want to know what the situation IS, and you can take the high road and say that you certainly don't want to badmouth their son, but that FOB is having some 'new daddy' issues. When they want more give them the example that he has told you he isn't sure he'll use the money they gave him to help with your (and Parker's) bills. Explain that not only is the lack of financial help really stressful, FOB's behavior, his undecidedness, is really causing you a lot of stress. I an NOT suggesting that you 'tattle' or give them gory details or a laundry list of their son's shortcomings. Matter of factly state the case that anything they'd like to do to help with Parker is greatly, sincerely appreciated, but it is best if they come directly to you.

You need these folks on your team and believe me honey, 99% of grandparents WANT to be on your team. Grandparents are GOLD. My FIL was a pure jacka$$ to me for 8 years before I had DD. Nasty ugly called me fat kind of mean, and now he has sincerely changed his tune. And Grandma is a heck of a babysitter!

Let them know that you think friends and relatives will probably send money when Parker is born. Ask them to help you set up an account for all those checks that will be coming in. Ask them to put any future money they'd like dog-eared for Parker's needs into that account. You'll even be willing to provide recipts to show that you are using the $$ for Parker's needs. (Which include room, board, diapers, and what ever it takes to keep his Mommy functioning and happy!)

You might end up with some really great help. Plus I think you have decided for now to step aside from FOB and concentrate on not letting him play with your brain for a while. This is one way to have your needs addressed but it doesn't need his hand in it.

And if he has a hissy? SO WHAT????????? Big whoopie doodle.
:22:

[Ceepa]

Hugs to you. Your situation sounds awful.

At this point I would find every way to stay independent from this man and even his family as far as emotional and financial support. Then you can let them be part of DS's life in a more healthy way that is more on your terms once you and DS are settled into newborn life together. I would strongly discourage you from involving his parents -- introducing guilt or loans -- although they are DS's grandparents. It only entangles you with FOB's life more. You need space and confidence that you can raise this baby in a way that feels right to you. I know the money is tight and you feel awful. Hang in there. Once the baby arrives FOB needs to kick in child support and should be a part of DS's life if he wants to be a reliable person to his son; these are legal matters that can be arranged through the court without telephone battles between you and FOB.

Do you have anyone who can help you on a regular basis once DS arrives?

[Ceepa]

double post

[MamaMolly]

I would strongly discourage you from involving his parents -- introducing guilt or loans -- although they are DS's grandparents.

Oh geez, is that what my post sounded like? I was shooting for pretty much the opposite! This is what I get for typing while tired.

What I meant to suggest was that the Grandparents could be a good source for help right now, mostly emotional but also financial, which the OP has said she really needed. I thought that maybe by going to them directly she could work on building a relationship with them outside or away from FOB. Reaching out, you know? I didn't mean to imply guilting them or anything. And I certainly wouldn't suggest taking a loan. Loans are big no-nos IMO, especially from family!

No matter what you decide to do, it will be the best thing for you and DC. You are a great mom! Best wishes!

[tnrnchick74]

Well, I'm still pregnant..still trying to hang in there. I'm at the point that I do miss the BF - I miss the things that were good. And I actually caled him yesterday - and we cried and cried, but I help my ground about him not coming. He claims I'm not "allowing" him to prove to me that he can be a good father. I maintain that he hasn't done any of the things that a father is supposed to do up until now, so why should I allow him to come during a VERY stressful time in my life "just to prove to me". I SHOULD have complete trust that he will do what he says he will...but he's never been able to prove it to me. He just doesn't see the difference.

The sorry thing is that I DO love him...and I would love for him to BE the father & partner he claims he can be. BUT I can't handle the stress of the "unknown" right now - days away from giving birth & recovering from a c-section.

And I feel like a horrible person for not allowing him to come for the birth. He says that it will be too hard to even see pictures of his son. I WANT to share things with him, maybe as a way to make things up a little bit, but I can't allow him to come. There is too much anger, too much distrust, too many broken promises. I told him that if he wanted to come before I headed back to work, that we could work something out - but I can't trust him while I'm in such a vulnerable position.

I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep...

[Melbel]

First, congratulations on making it past 37 weeks. What great news for you and baby Parker! Just a couple of thoughts that hopefully will be received the right way.

It is critical to keep in mind that there are two separate relationships at issue here: (1) your relationship with BF; and (2) your son's relationship with his father. I understand that you are disappointed with FOB and do not trust to have him in your life right now. As for relationship #2, father/son, I do not know that it would be best for this relationship for FOB not to be able to come at all. In your PP, I envisioned the debate between having your mother vs. FOB there, was referring to presence in the OR for the birth itself (only 1 person allowed for a CS). I did not realize you were contemplating excluding him altogether. The birth of your son is an important time for FOB to bond with your son. This is a moment that simply cannot be duplicated. As such, I would think long and hard about excluding him at the birth, or otherwise, with respect to the baby. Is it in the best interest of your baby to exclude FOB? Really? Even if FOB disappoints you, does such disappointment trump the potential relationship between father/son, even if the father is far from perfect? I guess what I am trying to say is not to let your anger re. relationship #1 prevent or hinder relationship #2. KWIM? I grew up with divorced parents. Although my father was far from perfect (and boy did/does my mom let me know it even though he is now deceased), I appreciated that he at least tried in his own way, and that he made me feel loved. On the other hand, I resent my mother for always trying to bad mouth my father. It really sounds like FOB wants to have a relationship with his son, even if he is not doing so in the manner you would like.

As for the birth, could FOB stay in a hotel or something? This may draw a line between your expectations: he is encouraged to be there for his son, but you have had enough of his disappointments.

You alone will have to make this choice. If you think through it very carefully, filtering out the personal hurt and physical pain you are now in, you are less likely to regret your decision later.

Good luck with everything.

[tnrnchick74]

The problem is that if I allow FOB to come for the delivery he will DEMAND to be in the OR. There are serious issues between him and my mother (he threatened her once; she tried to break us up many times) and if he's around then she will not help me...and I do need her as I can't trust him to take care of me without the added stress, etc. I'm in a catch-22 situation. He COULD come and stay at my house, as I will be at my Mom's. But I won't be able to drive and he's not allowed at my Mom's house...ever. So in order for him to be able to see his son, I would have to go to my house (somehow) and that would put me in the position of him taking care of me and ruining the relationship with my Mom.

I can't win either way.

And if he comes, he will be begging me to allow him another chance; putting on the pressure and guilt trip...things I do not need.

And the sad thing is that I WANT him to be able to see his son, to bond with his son...but I do not see a safe (mentally of physically) way for that to occur. My mother will NOT be in the same room as him, and I can't say that I blame him.


The only solution I see is for him to wait until closer ot the time I go back to work (and am living back at my house again) and he comes for a visit. It's not ideal, but at least then I will be a little better prepared mentally & physically to deal.

[gatorsmom]

Oh my gosh- you poor thing. I know the pain you are talking about- I had it with my first baby and it is agonizing to say the least. Come here and vent all you WANT!

As for the FOB, try to understand that men just don't get it. My husband is a great father and a very intelligent man, really he is, but unless he is actually forced to go through a day with 4 children, he doesn't get it. My dad is 69 yo and has 2 grown children. He doesn't get it either. Welcome to motherhood. Other mothers are the only ones who will ever understand all the conflicting emotions you feel, the new, strange bodily experiences, and the utter joy of having this experience (that joy will come, I promise).

But, in the mean time, it sounds like you need help. Can you talk to your doctor about being put on bedrest in the hospital? I'm not sure what your insurance situation is, but if you explain to the doctor that you are on your own at home, maybe he can put you in the hospital for the sake of your pregnancy? Then have your mail forwarded to your mom? Just brainstorming here.

I would say that if you have no support group of friends, you should consider joining a local church. The network of mothers there or grandmothers could really help you. Don't be afraid to ask! Sometimes that's not so easy- I know, I had a hard time accepting help after my twins were born- but it could help you AND another person by letting them into your life. I know so many grandmothers at our church whose children and grandchildren live out of state and were tickled pink to help me out.

HTH. Lots of p and pt coming your way!

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. Do you have a post-partum doula or 'night nurse' on the backburner just in case he flakes again? If not, I'd call around now! And if you are going to BF may as well call the LC's now, too. Something that is just an annoyance in your day now, may feel downright overwhelmingly impossible to do once baby is here. Maybe even see if a doula would come now to help you. I can't imagine being on bedrest and keeping up with daily chores! You are a strong woman!! Just think, having a newborn might seem very easy after this!

I think you need to set some "new daddy" ground rules now, too, while you are at it. If you don't want any talk of getting back together while you've got a newborn at home, tell him now. Tell him you will have enough to deal with that if he can't put that on the backburner you can't handle him being there and then maybe follow it up with a reminder that you do want him to be there.

[tnrnchick74]

We had a long talk yesterday. He doesn't agree with my decision to keep him away from the birth, but he understands how much stress I'm under and I THINK he's respecting that.

I also made it very clear that I DO understand his hurt about missing the birth, that I WANT him to bond with his son, but that my needs and the baby's needs are wrapped together for a bit as I recover. He's trying to work out a plan to come visit when I head back to my house (about 2 weeks post c-section). That way, he can visit, but I won't "need" as much help. I should be able to drive some (if my previous abdominal surgeries are any indication) so the stress of me being dependant on him for everything AND take care of a baby AND deal with the "us" stuff will be lessened.

Until that point, I'm at my Mom's house...though my Mom and my aunt are really smothering me. My aunt refuses to let me have ANY alone time. She even wants the baby monitor turned on while I'm going to the bathroom! Just in case! HELL NO! I am NOT a child and there is nothing "wrong" with me - I'm just having a baby. I'm keeping the baby monitor turned OFF until such time as *I* decide that I need to turn it on.

My aunt also wants to go to my OB appointment on thurs. Ok. fine. But she's made comments about being in the exam room. I told her that she would be in the waiting room. She seemed hurt. I explained "I don't go to YOUR GYN appointments and sit in the room while they do your PAP smear, so what makes you think you get to be all that up-close and personal with MY VAGINA!!!". That worked. She's bringing a book. :)

VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA - yep - it pretty much clears a room when you say it that way!

Anyways, I'm learning a LOT about setting boundaries, standing up for those boundaries, and telling those who don't agree with MY personal boundaries to take a hike!

[karstmama]

yay for you! love the va-jay-jay card!

[SnuggleBuggles]

I really wish you the best of luck with everything you are going through. (((Hugs)))

Beth

[Melanie]

Anyways, I'm learning a LOT about setting boundaries, standing up for those boundaries, and telling those who don't agree with MY personal boundaries to take a hike!

Good for you! Those are important skills for a new mother to learn, you are in a unique position to get some practice early!

[kmak]

I just heard the greatest quote. I'm posting it here because it made me think of this thread.

The quote is from a woman, but it can be interpreted gender-neutral for you great men out there that read the BBB.

"When dealing with men who are romantically interested in you, simply ignore EVERYTHING they say. And, just pay attention to what they do."

[tnrnchick74]

Thanks everyone for the support! And I LOVE that quote!!!

Quick update on my situation: saw my OB today. I'm 38.3 weeks today, c-section scheduled for Tues. Even though I've been having REALLY strong contractions for 24 hrs, he refused to check me and wouldn't hear about doing a c-section early. Baby's HR is good, my uterus is holding up. He says that all checking me would do is give me false hope of going earlier than Tues and unless my water breaks (or other complication) he's not going to section me early. I was a little dissappointed because I'm so OVER being pregnant!!! I REALLY wanted to jsut get the show on the road.

BUT I do have to trust that he's got my (and my baby's) best interest in mind...and baby looks great; I'm just the one who's miserable right now!

Of course my Mom is upset because it would be "more convenient" for me to have the baby today or tomorrow. And her plan is to take me out ALL weekend long. Again about boundaries - my back hurts, I'm grouchy and feel like crap...NO MOM I'M STAYING IN BED. If its inconveninet for you to be here when Parker is born on Tues, then you don't have to come!

And being an RN, I REALLY don't want to be in the hospital during a holiday if possible. I know what kind of care my baby would get if necessary on my unit (NICU) and it would be great...but I also know that L&D is short staffed and REALLY busy on holidays. That's ok. I will wait until Tues. What's 4 more days at this point? UGH.

[ShanaMama]

Glad baby's doing well. Hang in there- you are so almost there. Have you thought about what a great mama you're gonna be? You've already been through so much & are so devoted to Parker. He is gonna be one lucky little guy.

[tnrnchick74]

Glad baby's doing well. Hang in there- you are so almost there. Have you thought about what a great mama you're gonna be? You've already been through so much & are so devoted to Parker. He is gonna be one lucky little guy.

Thanks for the support! I need to hear that sometimes! I have waited to have a baby for a LONG time - a 5 year struggle with infertility and was told I would NEVER get pregnant. It hasn't happened the way I THOUGHT it would, but I've found that the important things in life rarely occur as planned!

I just can't wait to meet Parker. He's my miracle!