The invasion of the neighborhood children (long story)

[ShanaMama]

I have never been so popular in my entire life. We bought this house in September & basically took the most overcrowded & neglected house on the block & made it into a beautiful home. One of the things I liked is that there are many families with many children on this block. However. The kids are obsessed with us. We are something of a novelty because we have only one child (everyone else on the block has several) and we keep doing new things to the house. I understand it's interesting. I am actually thrilled that all the kids want to play in front of my house because I am comfortable letting DD play out there alone if she's in my hearing distance (I check on her every 15 seconds...) I can even handle the audience while we plant flowers, go swimming, color with chalk or basically any other activity.
But man, don't these kids have a life? Some of them are downright annoying. When I pull into my driveway & am instantly surrounded it ain't fun. Especially because DD was sleeping in her carseat & I have many packages to take in. I do not need your whiny voices waking her up or telling me that you know what I bought. Thanks, so do I. I just have no patience for other people's children when I'm exhausted. It's hard enough having patience for my own!
Oh, and last is best! What's with the knocking on my door every minute? I haven't yet parented a 5 year old, but how assertive do I need to be? No, you cannot come play here until further notice. If my daughter is perfectly happy to play outside I have no intention of entertaining the neighborhood in my living room. I have told one particular child multiple times every day that we will invite her when we are ready to have friends over. And running into my house when I walk inside for a minute does not amuse me. I said please stay outside & I meant it. I have limited patience and don't plan to use it up enticing you to get out of my house. Am I doing something wrong here?

[Neatfreak]

Ugh! I would be as frustrated as you are if I were in the same situation. Has mentioning the issue to the parents of these kids helped at all?

[bubbaray]

That would drive me nuts.

Be direct and short. As in "Go home. I am tired. Go home now. Thank you." Shut the door/garage door.

I think you'll only have to do that a few times.

[bubbaray]

Oh, and I'd do consequence. "If you run into MY house again uninvited, you can not come play here EVER again."

[Wife_and_mommy]

Oh, my. They'd drive me nuts too.

If they've not learned, you need to teach them they may not control you. Let them know when they're stepping on your toes. You must be kind but firm, very firm sometimes.

Let us know how it goes. I have a 8-9 y.o. neighbor that accosts DH every time he's around. The kid literally waits outside our garage door waiting for it to open... He once rang my doorbell 8 times continuously to "tell" me a ball was in my yard, then proceeded to try to walk through my house to get it. Uh, no.

You have my sympathies!

ETA: You know, I feel bad for kids who are so starved for attention but there do need to be some limits set. My DH is a bit of a pushover with him but I know what kind of trouble the kid would get into(his dad is really harsh) so I set the limits and leave it at that.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Holy lack of manners, Batman! There is no way that I would let my ds be a pest like that. Where are these other parents??

Beth

[bubbaray]

Yeah, I'm betting they "pick" on you guys because all the other families in the neighborhood have kicked them out, LOL!

[ShanaMama]

Truth is, when I think about it a bit more most of the kids are curious but well-bred. Don't mean to sound obnoxious, but you can kinda tell their parents have taught them about manners and boundaries. So they'll ride over on bikes, check out what we're doing, and head back out around the block. There is one family in particular that seems to have some other issues as well, and those are the kids that get on my nerves most. The children are always unsupervised (the 7 yo looks after the 5 yo who's responsible for the 3 yo). The few times I've seen the mother she's looked very out of it- almost drugged. She cannot keep up a normal chit-chat conversation with me. I don't want to step on her toes if she's just overwhelmed and I also hesitate to be too harsh on these kids in case there really is some kind of neglect at home. I'm keeping my eyes & ears open but don't want to jump to any conclusions. So I guess I just have to keep dealing with these kids for the moment...

ETA: Just to give some perspective: the neighborhood kids in question range in age from 3-10. Most of the parents allow the kids to play outside alone as the older siblings keep an eye on the younger and the parents check on the kids every so often. I have no problem with that. It's just this one family that has no parents in sight, ever, and the children lack basic social skills and boundary awareness.

[bubbaray]

If there *is* neglect at home, a professional needs to deal with it. Not you -- you will soon have two children to tend to. IMO you need to set the boundaries now so that the hooligans aren't ringing your doorbell at naptime. Really, someone else's children aren't your responsibility.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Maybe there is a way to make it so they know they are "outside friends" vs "inside friends." I know that is weird but in my neighborhood growing up there were lots of us that played in the alley or yards together but we never went into each other's houses. I am not sure why? I guess it was so that all the parents could just look out the window and keep tabs on their kids? We could schedule playdates but not just disappear into a house when we were supposed to be playing outside. So, maybe you could suggest something like that to these kids? Just rambling...

Beth

[ShanaMama]

Yeah, I'm betting they "pick" on you guys because all the other families in the neighborhood have kicked them out, LOL!

:ROTFLMAO: Too true! I really need to learn how to be a mean Mommy!

[ShanaMama]

Maybe there is a way to make it so they know they are "outside friends" vs "inside friends." I know that is weird but in my neighborhood growing up there were lots of us that played in the alley or yards together but we never went into each other's houses. I am not sure why? I guess it was so that all the parents could just look out the window and keep tabs on their kids? We could schedule playdates but not just disappear into a house when we were supposed to be playing outside. So, maybe you could suggest something like that to these kids? Just rambling...

Beth

Well, I have already made it quite clear to my DD that she isn't allowed to go to anyone's house unless she asks me first and we clear it with the parents. The kids do go into each other's houses at times. IMO most mothers are happy to have the kids outside and out of their hair. It's usually a neighbor who says "let's go to your house now" rather than the kid just wanting to go home.

[jerigirl]

I don't really have any advice here since DS is almost 2 and we haven't quite gotten to playing with the neighborhood kids yet. But your comment on the constant knocking on the door reminded me of what I read in my May issue of FamilyFun. (Free subscription- Thanks Bargain forum!!! ;) ) A family made a "do not disturb" sign for their front door that said ""X" and "Y" are not able to play right now- maybe later". The kids' friends knew when they saw that- not to knock on the door. Maybe you could do something like that for your door for when the neighborhood kids want to come over...

jeri

[HannaAddict]

It sounds exhausting but I would hang in there and try and be compassionate, especially to the kids you have some concerns about. It would be no fun to be a seven year old in charge of a five year old, and so on and I'm sure whatever positive attention they get from you will be something they may pay forward one day. My mom was the mom who was nice to the neighborhood kids who didn't have a good home life (no mom, single dad with alcohol issues). They knocked on the door a lot, greeted her car when she pulled up, and hung around until my mom fixed dinner.They were outside the norm of various two parent families on our street. The other families were from a variety of denominations and they were all awful to that poor family, judgmental, rude, and just plain unkind to the kids. (The dad had problems but the kids were decent kids.) But my mom was kind and loving and giving. And, I am ashamed to say, I was was jealous and upset at any attention she gave them. And they remembered my mom and the attention. When my mom died, I received the nicest card from the now adult little girl on behalf of her and her brother, it makes me cry even thinking about it. She remembered my mom taking her to see The Nutcracker at Christmas after she had been placed in foster care (with my aunt and cousin). It was my ticket, I did not get to go since my mom couldn't afford to take both of us and had explained to me that this little girl didn't have anything. I was sad and hurt then (probably nine or ten years old). But now, as an adult and a mother, I can only hope to be as patient and kind to a child or person that needs it as my mom was to those kids.

Kimberly

[ha98ed14]

Maybe there is a way to make it so they know they are "outside friends" vs "inside friends." I know that is weird but in my neighborhood growing up there were lots of us that played in the alley or yards together but we never went into each other's houses. I am not sure why? I guess it was so that all the parents could just look out the window and keep tabs on their kids? We could schedule playdates but not just disappear into a house when we were supposed to be playing outside. So, maybe you could suggest something like that to these kids? Just rambling...

Beth

This was totally the rules at my house when I was a kid. And the other rule was that I was NEVER EVER to have anyone in our house if my mom was not home. (Yes, she left me home alone to go to the store when I was 9 or 10. SHe would take my younger sister.) So I have a vivid memory of a little girl I played with as an outside friend wanting to come in my house when my mom wasn't home. Anyway, now-a-days I don't think I will be letting DD go anywhere where I have not met the parents first and we have a confirmed drop off and pick up time. DD is years away from playdates, but I don't intend to let her roam the neighborhood like we did. It just is not the same world anymore. When we were kids, no one talked about the pedofile who lived down the street. Maybe people didn't know. Now we know because we can look them up online

[karstmama]

kimberly, that's lovely. you had a special mama.

[gatorsmom]

It sounds exhausting but I would hang in there and try and be compassionate, especially to the kids you have some concerns about. It would be no fun to be a seven year old in charge of a five year old, and so on and I'm sure whatever positive attention they get from you will be something they may pay forward one day.

Kimberly

I agree with this. My mom was always kind in this way too. There was a girl who lived next store who's parents didn't give her much love or attention and she was always at our house. She was a few years older than me and my brother and so she wasn't our playmate. She would just come over and sit and talk to my mom. I can remember my mom spending hours at her kitchen table talking over coffee or soda. It really made a difference in that girl's life.

I think that if you are kind, people will flock to you. Of course if there is really serious cases of neglect or harm then professionals should get involved, but my feeling is this: each of us has a responsibility to make a real effort to help the less fortunate people in this world (especially children) in any way we can. Why are so many in society so quick to shove it off onto the "professionals" shoulders?

So often all a child like that needs is for someone to compliment something about them to make their day. sometimes life is in the details...

[C99]

I agree with this. My mom was always kind in this way too. There was a girl who lived next store who's parents didn't give her much love or attention and she was always at our house. She was a few years older than me and my brother and so she wasn't our playmate. She would just come over and sit and talk to my mom. I can remember my mom spending hours at her kitchen table talking over coffee or soda.

Agree with both Lisa and Kimberly here. My mom was also the mom that my friends would talk to when they were having problems w/ their own mothers. Made it hard on me when I was having problems with my mom and, like Kimberly, I was upset and jealous of the time my mother spent on those other kids. But it's part of what makes her a good mom now and a great grandmother.

Plus, as the mother of a 5-y/o, I can tell you that they *can* be incredibly annoying and they don't have strong social cues yet. So just because you tell him/her to go away now doesn't mean that they won't try again tomorrow...or in another hour!

[ShanaMama]

I think that if you are kind, people will flock to you. Of course if there is really serious cases of neglect or harm then professionals should get involved, but my feeling is this: each of us has a responsibility to make a real effort to help the less fortunate people in this world (especially children) in any way we can. Why are so many in society so quick to shove it off onto the "professionals" shoulders?

So often all a child like that needs is for someone to compliment something about them to make their day. sometimes life is in the details...

I agree with the pp about making a difference in a child's life, and I hope that one day I can be the adult who does. At this point in my life, however, I am spread pretty thinly. I honestly need to 'ration' my attention & love for those that are my responsibility. If I felt there was true neglect or abuse going on I would certainly do something. But I am really unsure, I think this mom just comes from a different culture and is having some adjustment troubles. (For all I know, she can be a wonderful mom & just has a very difficult 5 yo!)
I do have a knack for giving meaningful compliments and positive attention to kids. The problem is that this causes them to flock to me even more. A child who is truly needy isn't going to be satisfied by my little bit of attention. They will just cling on to me, hoping for more- which I am unable to give.
I took off from work one day last week because I hadn't been feeling well the night before. After a pretty relaxing day I picked up DD and sat outside with her planting flowers. I had tons of energy & patience for her & our large audience. Had I arrived home from work and picked her up from school as usual, I never would have had that much patience and inner calm. The joys of WOH. But that's a whole 'nother rant!

[belovedgandp]

I feel you pain.

We live on a cul-de-sac that has been great for driveway gatherings and having fun neighbors. There were times when the overly friendly neighbor kids got on my nerves in our before kids life. But they were always polite. I'd just tell them it wasn't a good time.

Those neighbors are just 4-8 year olds learning their boundaries. My boys are now 4 and 1. Formerly the youngest of our 10 houses. They got lots of attention. We built a swingset and we had kids out our nose for three months and it was beginning to drive me crazy. Soon the older kids get bored and go back to their own things. We set some limits. Like the backyard is fine, but not on our deck.

But, now we have ONE OF THOSE families. They moved in last September and it has not been fun. We're the most senior family in the cul-de-sac so we've seen how the dynamics have changed over time. These kids are 3, 5, and 7 - never supervised outside and do not listen. I alternate between having them drive me crazy and feeling horribly sad for them at the same time.

Our answer was that the rules had to change for everyone. We had four neighbor girls ages 5-9 who played in our backyard without a problem - sometimes with my son, lots of time when we were out. Their parents weren't necessarily with them, but they were around (in the garage, on their porch, at least close by). After catching the two younger boys tearing up my flower bed and taking rocks out of the fountain (again, and again), the new rule was only playing in the backyard when my son was outside with them.

I hated being the "mean neighbor" but it had to be done for us. I told the kids the new rule and then also talked to all the parents. I had to make it consistent for all the kids. The older neighbors got the slant on the real reason because of the behavior of the kids and understood because they are all seeing it - dropping bikes in driveways, walking into house, not moving out of the street.

So, basically, I'm sorry and good luck.

[ShanaMama]

Our answer was that the rules had to change for everyone.

This is what I've been doing. I certainly don't want to make different rules for the annoying kids only, but I feel bad that I need to be so strict with the well-behaved kids, too.
When DD & I were planting flowers she participated with me, 'digging' with her shovel & putting the flowers into my hole. One of the sweet little girls asked me if she could have a turn. Normally I would've said sure. But I knew that would mean I have to give every kid a turn. So I told her that only our family is planting today & she can ask her mother to get flowers for her. But I felt bad about it. Unless I'm being paid I am NOT entertaining every kid on the block!