Birthday Party Bitch

[ha98ed14]

So yesterday was DD first birthday party. It was fine. Nothing went wrong or really anything bad, except for the glaring obvious lack of people who showed up! I had food for 60 and probably 25 showed up. People who had RSVP'd "yes" AND that I saw at church yesterday morning and gave pre-printed directions to the park failed to show up. One family send their gift via another family and told them to tell us they weren't coming, but three families just never showed. I considered some of these people my friends and would have gone out of my way to make it to their party.

I know I sound totally hypocritical because just last week I was posting about how kijip needed to forgive people who cancel plans because we cannot know what their reasons are. And I will forgive these folks and move on. It won't ruin my friendships, but right now I am just hurt and disappointed that the people I felt close to did not show AND the people who did show up were not even really the people I felt close to. They were people who are in the same circle with kids the same age, so I invited them, but they aren't the families who are on the same wavelength as ours- those people did not show, even after RSVPing yes. So I am pissed.

And while I am here I also want to bitch about the obnoxious 6 year old boy who put down everything about my party. The food, the theme, what the pinata was stuffed with. What a total brat! He was so rude. He came up to me and asked me what the games were and what the pinata was stuffed with and when I told him what it was, he just told me how boring that was. And when I was seriving cake, he announced to me how he didn't want a plate or cake with butterflies on it. I don't even like his family, but I had to invite them because it would have been rude not to. They are friends with all our friends, even tho the mom and I could not be more different. She has 3 boys who are urchins and she will keep having them until her uterus falls out of her vagina!

Ugh I am so pissed. It is such a let down. I went all out, ordered favors off of etsy, paid a lot for them and gave away very few because barely any of the little girls I was expecting showed up. All that planning, all that food wasted, all the people I wanted to celebrate with us just didn't show. I AM NOT DOING ANOTHER PARTY UNTIL DD IS OLD ENOUGH TO ASK FOR ONE! Next year we will just have cake with the grandparents!

[gatorsmom]

I"m so sorry things didn't turn out for you. I just finished reading your frantic Lounge post about feeding 60 people and how to stretch your budget to do it. I think it is so incredibly rude for people to RSVP yes to a party and then not show. Same goes for people who do not RSVP and then do show.

I've been in the same boat where good friends didn't show up to a party and didn't call for weeks afterward. And when they did finally call they gave no indication of any kind of remorse. No apologies or excuses, nothing. I have to admit that it really soured me on them. I just felt like I was not important enough to them to make the effort and apparently they didn't have much respect for me. Kudos to you if you can forgive and forget. You are a much stronger person than I am.

[Bean606]

I am so sorry! I just posted in the Lounge to ask how things went! I have to tell you that people who don't RSVP or don't show up after they RSVP'd is my second pet peeve next to not sending thank you notes within a reasonable time after a party. I'd be really pissed, and not sure I could get to the forgiveness part as quickly as you have!

[ha98ed14]

I am so sorry! I just posted in the Lounge to ask how things went! I have to tell you that people who don't RSVP or don't show up after they RSVP'd is my second pet peeve next to not sending thank you notes within a reasonable time after a party. I'd be really pissed, and not sure I could get to the forgiveness part as quickly as you have!

Oh, trust me, I am NOT there yet! I am still pissed. And really my only reason for making all the efforts towards forgiving is because I have to see these people week in and week out at church. Those were the people I invited because those are the people we know who have young DCs. Many of the moms go to my moms-night-out group, which was started by a gal from church. I figure if it is church people, you are doubly damned if you don't make at least minimal effort to forgive and move on, LOL! But, I have til next sunday, so this week, I intend to be pissed off at them!

The funny thing was that all the 'sure thing' RSVP people who responded within a week of the invite never showed, and the people who initially gave tentitive yes, or a maybe, and LATER confirmed that yes they would come are the ones who actually came. It was when all these Maybes said yes that I started freaking out about feeding them all. Little did I know that the definites yes people would no-show.

Tell me that this *IS* different than a playdate. Because I feel like it is. I feel way more let down than if this was one of our many dates to meet at a park or a Starbucks. Folks from this group do at least one or both of those once a week or so. But this was the ONLY party I have ever had. We never have anyone over because our apartment is tiny, so this was it. I went all outl. Now I feel stupid.

One good thing tho, is that the people who did come did appreciate all the work that went into it. They commented on the food and the decorations, so I know I did a good job. Its just that none of the people I really like and wanted to be there came. It was this random assortment of peripherial folks and the lady with the bratty boy. Ugh.

[bubbaray]

Aww, that sucks. We had a similar issue with DD#1's recent 4th b-day and had to pay for extra kids (it was offsite at the YMCA, with a bouncy castle) -- who NEVER SHOWED! Grrrr.

Save the favors for next year.... Freeze what food you can. Eat the perishables (veggies, whatnot). Put the rest in your pantry. Try to throw out as little as possible.

You will probably want to have a party next year, just try to keep the numbers down. With DD#1's 1st b-day, DH got ahold of the guest list and we ended up with over 100 people. In our house. I never did get the thankyou notes out. hanging head in shame.....

For DD#1's 2nd b-day, we limited the guests to those with kids and I think there were 6 kids with their parents. Much more manageable.

Things I've learned here:

Buy only things that can be used for multiple birthdays -- plates, napkins, tablecloths, etc -- nothing with numbers.
Go easy on loot bags. People here go MENTAL and I really try to keep the cost down. Also, I try to put in useful stuff like Playdoh and not dollar store crap.
Don't worry about activities for kids esp. for the early age parties -- kids just entertain themselves and others.
Time the party so that you don't need to serve a meal -- mid morning or mid afternoon times, I only serve cake and have one fruit tray and one veggie tray for adults and kids.

For DD#1's 2nd birthday, I did a "craft" of putting stickers on a sandpail. That was the only "activity" and was also their favor. It would have been better for a 3rd b-day. Really, for a 2nd b-day, I don't think you need an activity at all. Just a birthday child, cake and a few balloons and you're good to go!

DD#1 totally got into her birthday at age 3 and for her 4th was VERY into it.

[ha98ed14]

Aww, that sucks. We had a similar issue with DD#1's recent 4th b-day and had to pay for extra kids (it was offsite at the YMCA, with a bouncy castle) -- who NEVER SHOWED! Grrrr.

How did you handle it when you saw the family next time? Did you say anything? I KNOW I am not the only person who ever had people no-show to a kids b-day party and I am not so self-centered or petty to let it keep me from being friends/ friendly with the people, but I am hurt. Probably because it was the first party I ever did, AND I want them to know that I am hurt. But maybe THAT is petty. I dunno. But I am using this thread to process my feelings which is good since I cannot process on my IRL friends since they were the ones who NO SHOWED!!!

[egoldber]

I'm sorry that happened. It stinks when people don't show for a party, which IMO is VERY different from a more casual playdate kind of thing.

I would probably want to know why they didn't come but I don't think any good can come of being accusatory. When I saw them, I would just ask "Oh we missed you on Sunday! What happened?" Ask it in the brightest cheeriest voice possible and they'll no doubt volunteer their reasoning.

I have had to deal with people blowing off older DD's party all the time. It stinks for summer birthday kids because so many people are on vacation or just plain don't want to come to a kiddie party on a weekend in August.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Btdt and it stinks. :( It was even worse because ds was 4yo and non one showed up. :( He wanted to host a cookie exchange during winter break from preschool. It was my 1st attempt at a large party because I always had kept his b-day parties small (X kids per X yo). Many said they could come and then the day of only one of his friends from outside of preschool came. Luckily he dtill had a good time and I tried my best to keep a happy face on for him. Inside I was very sad. We are trying a large class party next month and I am worried that the same thing will happen again. I'll be crushed for him if no one can come. I know that sounds extreme but I really will feel terrible because he has his heart set on celebrating with his whole class but in the middle of the summer I know some people won't be able to come.

I never did ask the no shows for ds's cookie party what happened. I admit that I kept my distance a bit more with the parents though and didn't go out of my way to set up playdates with them.

I am really sorry you had such a bad experience. Oh, and don't feel obligated in the future to invite people you don't like just b/c you think you should. It's your party. :)

Beth

[bubbaray]

How did you handle it when you saw the family next time? Did you say anything? I KNOW I am not the only person who ever had people no-show to a kids b-day party and I am not so self-centered or petty to let it keep me from being friends/ friendly with the people, but I am hurt. Probably because it was the first party I ever did, AND I want them to know that I am hurt. But maybe THAT is petty. I dunno. But I am using this thread to process my feelings which is good since I cannot process on my IRL friends since they were the ones who NO SHOWED!!!



I didn't say anything. Its happened for DD#1's 3rd b-day and her 4th. One family got the date wrong for her 3rd (NO idea how that happened, but whatever). It wasn't a huge deal for her 3rd (party was at our home and we hired a clown/magician, so didn't pay per guest, other than extra cake -- yum! -- and extra loot bags).

I was kinda ticked about this past b-day, just b/c we paid extra for more than 10 kids (we had Yes RSVPs from 16). I confirmed a week prior with everyone, b/c we had to finalize it with the YMCA. As it turns out, the max we could have at the Y was 15, so we paid for the extra 5 kids and figured at least 1 would not show. Well, 6 ended up not showing. I still have no idea why for 5 of them (1 was sick).

I dunno how to best handle it.

Oh, and about the whiny boy -- we had one of those at DD#1's 4th too. He is 6 and I heard him say to his dad: I'm not having fun, I'm bored, I don't like this cake, this pizza is gross, I don't like my loot bag, blah blah blah. He's super whiny. Here I was, hosting a rather nice facility party that was not cheap (about $400 for 15 kids, bouncy castle, pizza & juice -- plus we brought about another $100 of cake, fruit & veggie trays and loot bags). It *was* a Princess cake, but none of the other boys complained. I made sure the loot bags were gender neutral (Playdoh, Playdoh mats, bubbles, sidewalk chalk). The bouncy castle ROCKED. It was huge, had a huge slide, etc. I mean, even the bigger kids loved it. Heck, some of the adults went down it.

You just can't please all the kids. I think there will always be one dissatisfied guest, no matter how hard you try.

I have to do a lot of positive self-talk after parties. You do your best and that's all you can do. Hopefully, with a few years of therapy in their 20's and 30's, my girls will eventually see that I tried. J/K! Kinda....

[Ceepa]

That sucks. People probably thought because you were having an outdoor party with a lot of invitees that it wouldn't be a big deal if they didn't show, not considering that a bunch of people might think the same thing and also duck out. At the least these people were formally invited and owe you an explanation, whether you get one is another story.

And as far as the whiny boy, we had the same thing except at DS's first birthday party it was my FIL who openly said he was bored. Um, the party isn't for your entertainment, old man. :mad:

[Happy 2B mommy]

I'm so sorry. You went through a lot of time and work for so many people. I'm sure that some of the no-shows from your church will ask how it went. Perhaps you can say that it went well, but you were sorry so much food went to waste. Folks who didn't show may have good reason, but they do owe you an explanation and apology.

Oops, edited to add I hope your little one enjoyed herself. Happy belated first birthday.

[MontrealMum]

No advice or anything since we're a long ways from this situation, but just wanted to say how sorry I am, and that I feel your pain :32: The no-show RSVP thing I just don't get. Here's wishing you luck on processing it all, and being able to move on.

[kijip]

Well, you know I agree with you. :) I am sorry this happened to you. I really think it that people who are not going to come should send their regrets in advance. This is exactly why- wasted effort, wasted $$$, wasted food. Of course a b-day party is different than a playdate. Dinner parties and weddings *might* be the only things that are less acceptable to just not show up without reason and notice. I thought of our past discussion this weekend when I realized we had RSVP-ed to a party via my husband that I was not up to attending. We went anyways and left as soon as we could and still be polite. Later on the family called and said that they really appreciated we had come, because they had so many no-shows. It is an epidemic, I tell you! Sure people are going to get sick or *need* to cancel at the last minute sometimes but it happens SO often for SO many, that I really think it shows a lack of consideration for the hosts, the birthday child etc. Or maybe, between friends, not lack of consideration for the host personally but a lost understanding of the significance of being a guest and a host. Some people tend to think of themselves first *always* and that seems crass and rude to me. It is not that it is unforgivable- it is that I prefer to foster friendships with people who are highly considerate. I adjust my expectations for people I can't rely on, not carry grudges.

One bit of gentle advice- as a someone that plans events professionally I find that "show up rates" are much higher for fixed start time and end time parties. People see/hear come anytime between 3 and 6 and they MEAN to get there but realize it is 5:30 or something when they think of it and decide not to come because it is so late or whatnot.

I agree there is no purpose in approaching these people in anger, just know that when you invite them in the future that you can't assume all will come.

[ha98ed14]

Can I just say, I LOVE IT HERE! I can be me and all you wonderful mamas validate my feelings! If only there was a way to throw a Cyber-Birthday party...

Anyway, I have thought up a great for me to move on, something along the lines of "If you are nervous giving a speech, imagine everyone naked." So I am telling myself that all three families' kids came down with nasty bugs sometime between 10 AM at church and 3 pm. Somehow imaging their poor parents having to take care of their sick kids is easier to forgive than thinking my friends are just THE BIGGEST FLAKES ON THE PLANET!

Anyway, I do have a real question that I would like your feedback on. Do you think I would be out of line to email the mom of the rude boy and in a calm and nioce as possible way tell her that he was rude. I mean, he did not say these things when she was within hearing distance, so she may not even know. Although at one point, she did call him over, but still she may not have known.

His mom can be kind of clueless sometimes. I think the function of having a lot going on with three active boys. My reason for wanting to email her is because 1) He geninuinely offended me and I'd like an apology and an acknowledgement from his mom that this is unacceptable behavior, and 2) I am worried that he will go unchecked through his life and just say whatever comes into his head and because she is busy tending the babies, she will never hear it to correct him.

What do you think?

[karstmama]

i'm sorry this happened. i'm glad the basic party was ok, especially for the birthday baby, but sorry you were disappointed.

i'm a slow burn, sarcastic type of angry person. i'm trying really hard to not let that slide into being passive-aggressive. in a perfect world, i would tell those people, individually and in private, 'i'm not looking for your excuse or an apology, and i'll get over this and we'll be back to being friends, but you not coming to the party last week hurt my feelings.' in real life, i'd always *always* remember and have cutting remarks going through my head whenever i heard them say anything. anyway, if you think saying something would help you let go, do it. if bringing it up would just make you angry all over, let it go. :)

yeah, i'd say let her know if you can be calm & not come off accusatory. (not that you are accusatory here - you're not.)

[bubbaray]

Anyway, I do have a real question that I would like your feedback on. Do you think I would be out of line to email the mom of the rude boy and in a calm and nioce as possible way tell her that he was rude. I mean, he did not say these things when she was within hearing distance, so she may not even know. Although at one point, she did call him over, but still she may not have known.

His mom can be kind of clueless sometimes. I think the function of having a lot going on with three active boys. My reason for wanting to email her is because 1) He geninuinely offended me and I'd like an apology and an acknowledgement from his mom that this is unacceptable behavior, and 2) I am worried that he will go unchecked through his life and just say whatever comes into his head and because she is busy tending the babies, she will never hear it to correct him.

What do you think?

To be blunt, yeah, I think it would be out of line, especially to put it in an email. I don't think you can really expect an apology from a 6yo in those circumstances, certainly not a sincere one. If he does go through life unchecked, oh well -- he's not your son and not your responsibility. I think if you are coming from a place of "his mom can be clueless", its going to come across in your email/talk with her and that would likely offend her.

I would only email her if you want to discontinue the relationship with her/her sons.

I guess if you really can't hold back, you could do the passive/aggressive "Oh, did Johnny have a good time at the party? He kept telling me how bored he was and that he didn't like the food/cake I served." In the sweetest, most concerned voice. But, honestly, I would never in a million years say anything to the mom. And I'm really brutally direct, honest, and bitchy....

Besides, if you think she's clueless and you aren't close enough to her that you wanted her at the party in the first place, why care how her kids behave? Shrug it off.

But, I wouldn't invite them to your next party. If she says something, just tell her that her son was sooooo unhappy, you thought he wouldn't want to come.

Good luck!

[lizajane]

three people showed up for my 30th birthday party. three. 2 of them were my sister and brother in law who drove 4 hours to be there. it was humiliating. i empathize and i am sorry. everytime you see one of the no shows, say, " we missed you on saturday. i wish we could have celebrated with you."

[MontrealMum]

I think that it would really depend on your relationship with the mother.

That kid you're describing though ... he could be my nephew. The frustration, anger, and arguments we've had over this kid are legendary. I can't tell you how offensive and annoying he can be, and at 14 he's headed for quite a shock next year when he attends public highschool for the first time. I've said some things to his mom, and to my MIL, but not much, because that's the way DH's family is. Verrrry uptight and head-in-the-sand. If it was my family I'd say more, but if it was my family it wouldn't have been an issue in the 1st place. We are feuding with them right now (SIL et al) so it's now a non-issue, but if we weren't I'd be more vocal because of DS. I don't want my child exposed to that kind of behaviour. (he's ungrateful, impolite, completely disrespectful and just downright annoying - plus there's the jumping on the furniture - at 14!!!) Sorry, I digress...

If she's a very close friend, and you could do it in a casual, in-person manner, I might mention something. But I don't think I'd do it in an email - too hard to take out of context. I might lead with, "Oh, by the way.... your kid has some mouth on him" (sorry, I can't think how to nuance that more - that's still a little too frank probably.) If she's not a super close friend I wouldn't say anything - I'd just avoid them in the future, especially if the kid is so much older than your DD. It bites, I know, but it's probably not worth it.

[kijip]

Do you think I would be out of line to email the mom of the rude boy and in a calm and nioce as possible way tell her that he was rude. I mean, he did not say these things when she was within hearing distance, so she may not even know. Although at one point, she did call him over, but still she may not have known.

What do you think?

If she called him over, I bet she knows what he did, or at least knows some of it. I don't think you can touch this topic with a 10 foot pole. It will impact your friendship with her even if she stays friends with you (which many would not if their parenting or their kids were called into question). Like the pp, I am NOT a shy person lacking in directness, LOL. And there is simply NO way I would feel ok broaching the topic unless the kid was dangerous or in danger.

[egoldber]

I would say nothing. That 6 year old may be a rude, loutish brute OR he may just be a 6 year old. As the mom of a 6 year old, I can tell you that the average 6 year old has learned to be a very keen observer of the world (especially things of special interest, like birthday parties) but have yet to acquire the filter that keeps them from saying things out loud that should only be said in your head.

[ha98ed14]

Ok, Thanks Gals. I will say nothing. I'm probably just mad about the whole thing and would end up taking it out on this poor kid. But he WAS rude. And right now I feel like I cannot stand him. I don't value the relationship with his mother, but they are close friends of SIL (whose children are also RUDE so they keep good company together, I guess).

In true first time mom fashion with no experience with a child over 1 year, I would like to say that MY CHILD WILL NEVER ACT LIKE THAT! Lol!

[Globetrotter]

Oh geez, sorry to hear about the poor turnout, after ALL your hard work and agonizing!! I have one friend who is notorious for not showing up to parties, playgroups, you name it. It's so bad that we actually do a double take when she actually shows up. Do freeze/refrigerate the leftovers.

I know some people can't stand Evite, but I like it because it's in their face and they get a reminder the day before - I can't tell you how many times people have thanked me for the (automatic) reminder because they had forgotten or mixed up the dates. However, I suspect some of these folks wouldn't have come anyway, which is very unfair to you! I would just say, "Hey, we missed you at the party..." and see what they come up with. If you're lucky, at least you will make them feel guilty :innocent:

As for the boy, it's somewhat age appropriate to be brutally honest but I think it's up to the parents to teach him good manners. Don't take it personally because he's just being six. I wouldn't mention it to the mom because she most likely knows it and is either overwhelmed with three boys (yikes) or has given up.

[tnrnchick74]

I'm very sorry this happened to you! I guess I'm just a good old fashioned Southern woman...but when you RSVP you better darn be there! There has only been ONE time I was not able to go to an event that I had + RSVP'd for - and I was being rushed for an emergency appendectomy! I remember being in the ER, remembering about the party, and calling the person to apologize!

but that's just me...

As for the rude boy - if it bothers you that much and there is an opportunity to talk in person, I might do what others suggest "It was so nice of you and Timmy to come to the party. I hope you both had a great time. I'm sorry that Timmy didn't like the cake or the pinata, but I hope he found something he could enjoy!"

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. If we RSVP to a party and can't go, due to some extraordinary circumstance, I would call! I actually out-right forgot (mixed up dates) a few weeks ago. I apologized profusely. I feel horrible. I still brought a gift with more apologies. I can't imagine just no-showing without explanation and I hope I never can!

Yes, I think it's very different than a playdate!

[jal]

...
Anyway, I do have a real question that I would like your feedback on. Do you think I would be out of line to email the mom of the rude boy and in a calm and nioce as possible way tell her that he was rude. I mean, he did not say these things when she was within hearing distance, so she may not even know. Although at one point, she did call him over, but still she may not have known.

His mom can be kind of clueless sometimes. I think the function of having a lot going on with three active boys. My reason for wanting to email her is because 1) He geninuinely offended me and I'd like an apology and an acknowledgement from his mom that this is unacceptable behavior, and 2) I am worried that he will go unchecked through his life and just say whatever comes into his head and because she is busy tending the babies, she will never hear it to correct him.

What do you think?

I think you should get over it. It's a 6yo kid! More than likely, that was just his way of 'dealing' with a situation he possibly found boring (after all, how much 'fun' can a 6yo have at the birthday of a 1yo). But even more... if he is really as much of a brat as you are describing, his mother likely already knows and doesn't need to be told. Therefore, I don't see how confronting the mom can lead to any good. I only see it spreading more ill-will.



...
In true first time mom fashion with no experience with a child over 1 year, I would like to say that MY CHILD WILL NEVER ACT LIKE THAT! Lol!

BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY!!! Words like that are highly prone to coming back to bite you in the @$$. (As examples, DW said she never wanted to live "that far" away for and now we live farther, and she said she'd never drive a mini-van and now we're in the market for one).