"Just watch, DD1 is going to be in for a shock!"

[sarahsthreads]

So several (older) relatives & family friends have commented to me that my 3.5 year old (who's as independent as they come) is "too attached" to me, and that she's going to be in for a shock when the baby is born. (Um, a shock? Gee, it never crossed my mind that her ENTIRE WORLD WILL BE TURNED UPSIDE DOWN!) They've joked that DD is going to want to run away and isn't going to know what to do with herself, etc. Because, you know, that's really funny, joking about how my daughter is going to hate me and want to run away.

They also are convinced that I won't be able to parent two kids without showing "partiality" and "favoritism".

Um. OK, why are we even starting to judge how I parent two kids before the second one is even born yet? And do they seriously think I would "favor" one child over the other? I mean, of course sometimes the baby's needs will have to come first, but sometimes DD1's needs are going to come first too. That's not favoritism, that's triage. Everyone's going to get the short end of the stick at one point or another - mostly me and DH, I imagine - but I'm fairly certain we're not the first parents in the world to have more than one child, and I don't think it generally scars the older (or younger) sibling for life...at least, I don't remember ever hating my parents because they forced me to have two annoying little brothers...

So, instead of criticizing my hypothetical future parenting, perhaps offering helpful tips about how to keep a preschooler happy and occupied while juggling a newborn's needs might be more constructive? Or maybe offering to take DD1 to do something fun, or hold the baby for an hour so I can do something fun with DD1?

Grrr. I'm sure these "warnings" are just going to get better and better over the next several weeks.

Sarah

[JTsMom]

:hug: Some people just can't stand to say anything nice. I'm sure it will be tough at times, but I know it will also be wonderful.

[tnrnchick74]

:22: Funny story from my childhood. I was 2 when my closest brother was born. I was ALL excited...until he came home. Yes, my world was ROCKED. I was the oldest, so NOT used to sharing ANYTHING. And this little "thing" didn't look ANYTHING like me - he was small, squirmy, and had RED hair. Even the dog and the cat were scared!

SO - I decided to sell him. I went door to door (in those days everyone in the neighborhood were close friends and there weren't the problems of kids being snatched, etc. It was the 70's - ALL kids "ran the neighborhood"...even at 2!) and offered my brother for sale. No one took him!

SO then I made the rounds and offered to GIVE him away - complete with his stuffed animals! I got a fw cookies and pats on the head for being so darn cute.

When THAT didn't work, I broke open my piggybank and took my $$ (I think it was about 25 cents) and offered to PAY someone to take him. One of my caring neighbors (I'm sure tired of being bothered) called my Mom and told her what I was doing.

I got home, brother still not sold or otherwise distributed...and my Mom was FURIOUS. She told me that I was in BIG trouble. So I ran away! I packed my suitcase, my teddy bear, my lovvie, and started walking. My Mom stood at the door laughing.

And when I rounded the corner I got scared...and told my Mom that I would come back home JUST for tonight.

It WILL be ok. you WILL figure out how to parent YOUR 2 kids!

[Melanie]

I think it shows they're miserable or jealous and it makes them happy to think of others suffering too. I don't know why, but that's my guess. I was scared to pieces to have #2 (and thus the age gap). Then fantastically surprised with the ease that Dd joined our family. Some woman from my mom's group says, "Well you know it's only going to get harder." Why on EARTH would you say that to a woman with a newborn? What would POSESS someone to do that?

I don't get it but I'm taking them all as lessons to remeber how NOT to act!

And guess what? Ds is very attached to me, too. And then he became attached to his new baby sister.

[lisams]

Don't you love the positive attitude people have?!!! Seriously though, it may rock her world a little bit but there is sooooo much good that comes with being a big sibling. I know it has made DD grow in ways I never imagined, well me too. I don't get why people who think a child is attached to their parent will have a harder time dealing with change - hello - it's that attachment that makes for a secure child. DD was very attached when she was younger and she has been awesome with her little brother. As a matter of fact, she's very sensitive to his needs. Don't let the party poopers get you down!

[deenass]

My boys are one week shy of 4 years apart - so almost the same as yours will be - and you know what - 4 years is a GREAT age difference. My mother was CONVINCED that my oldest would explode when the baby came - he'd be jealous - he be angry - he'd be spiteful - they'll never play together blah blah blah ...

You know what - he LOVEs his little brother and has from day 1. DS1 is able to actually understand that he has to wait if I need to attend to the baby (and he's THRILLED to watch tv if I need more than a minute to do it!)

I never had to rush him out of his baby stage for the new baby and he LIKES that he is OLDER and gets to do things that the baby can't do.

I'm not knocking anyone for their choice to have kids closer together, families have to do what works for them. BUt I do think that you will find your older child's transition is a lot easier that what others "predict" for you.

[ShanaMama]

People just don't think, do they? When I get comments like these I tell myself they aren't trying to be malicious. They are just clueless how terrible they sound. Time to start blocking them out. You know this was the right choice for your family, and although you might have some turbulence, your DD will adjust just fine. Believe it or not, she might even be happy to be a big sister & have a sibling.
ETA: Why not try to think of a great comeback about how excited DD actually is? I have no suggestions, but maybe others do.

[maestramommy]

I dont' know why people say brainless stuff like that? Maybe they think they're actually being funny????:32:

[sarahsthreads]

OK, that's a pretty darn funny story! I'm impressed that you remember something like that from 2 - I can barely remember my brother coming home at 3. According to my mom, all I wanted to do was take care of him. She could just be remembering only the good parts though.

Sarah :)

[sarahsthreads]

Why on EARTH would you say that to a woman with a newborn? What would POSESS someone to do that?

Because these are the same sort of people who tell you all sorts of horror stories about several-day-long labors and births with bad outcomes. Some people are just mean.

Good to know that (nearly) 4 years isn't a bad age gap! (Not that I can go back and change it at this point!)

Sarah :)

[sarahsthreads]

Thanks, I know that a sibling is a gift - even though my two little brothers were annoying little creatures when we were growing up, they're pretty fantastic guys now. And they're the only ones who can truly understand just how strange our parents are. ;)

Sarah

[tnrnchick74]

OK, that's a pretty darn funny story! I'm impressed that you remember something like that from 2 - I can barely remember my brother coming home at 3. According to my mom, all I wanted to do was take care of him. She could just be remembering only the good parts though.

Sarah :)

My Mom repeats the story EVERY chance she gets! I DO remember running away, and vaguely remember going door to door...but my Mom thinks its the cutest story!

[sarahsthreads]

BUt I do think that you will find your older child's transition is a lot easier that what others "predict" for you.

Oh, good, because I was actually thinking it was going to be a relatively easy transition. DD is beyond thrilled that she's going to have a little sister. And I know it will be very different and a huge adjustment once that little sister actually comes home, but DD's got such a loving "little mama" personality that I think she'll probably be a little *too* helpful.

And I'm sure DD will be only too happy to watch a bit of TV sometimes when I need to do something with the baby that will take more than a couple of minutes. The kid would watch TV all day if I let her. (And I so let her today. I couldn't keep my eyes open. At least it was mostly stuff on PBS.)

Sarah :)

[sarahsthreads]

Yeah, see, I can't imagine that they're really trying to be malicious, because these are mostly people who will be related in some way to this baby, and in all other ways seem to be excited that there will be a new baby in the family.

And I could tell them until I'm blue in the face that DD can't wait to be a big sister, but they all still maintain that she's going to be really upset once the baby comes home.

I don't know, I guess I just have to be polite and smile and just ignore them from now on. It's just going to be a long few weeks...

Sarah :)

[MommyAllison]

Ugh, I'm sorry. FWIW, my DD is very, very attached, she's also still nursing, so I was definitely getting those comments before DS was born (a friend told me that she would try to kill DS - thanks so much!). DS is 3 weeks old now, and of course there was a transition, but it really has not been bad, and she has always LOVED her baby brother. When he cries, she tries to comfort him (and is surprisingly good at it!), and if he doesn't calm down, she tells me "Mama, he's crying, you need to hold him/feed him".

Honestly, what do people think is helpful about their warnings to you? The baby is coming, your DD will adjust, just like millions of other kids have done! Do they want us to say "You're right, I should have been a totally detached parent for the last few years so that DD wouldn't care that she has to share my attention now" ?