Why I &*^%&%# my in-laws!

[ha98ed14]

I love DH. His mother is a wonderful person, but I HATE competing with her to care for my OWN child!!! And it does not help right now that DD prefers everyone over me. Yes that is right. If you did not know that babies can be fickle, you would think that my own child hates me. Cries if I take her from Daddy. Clings to Nana (MIL) before she leaves. I am a poor substitute, but I guess I will do. DD *graciously* allows me to change her sh!tty pants.

The thing that kills me even more is that MIL is always asking why or how I do this or that- mostly what I feed DD. SIL (MIL's daughter) has a child (a girl) exactly a month older than my DD. Tonight she asked me what I was feeding DD because we are out of baby food. (DD still takes 5 bottles/ day, and I have plenty of formula.) So I said, mostly baby food, but I'm out. So MIL says, "Well, SIL makes DNeice cheese quesadillas." WTF? Sorry, I am not making my 1 y.o. a cheese quesadilla. She has 4 effing teeth. 2 top. 2 bottom. And even if cheese quesadillas an the bomb for 1 y.o.s, that don't mean I gotta make one for DD. She eats pees, carrots, veggies, apples, banana, Cheerios, and cereal just fine. Thanks. Apparently when SIL was at MIL's house this weekend, DNeice had pork chops too. Whoopi Do! I'm not ready for my kid to be a carnivore just yet. She has the rest of her life to eat flesh. Pardon me if I wanna start her out a little lower on the food chain. Ugh.

So why do I feel SO lacking. I don't really even like the way SIL parents, so I certainly don't mind NOT measuring up if she is the standard, but I STILL feel bad. Someone PLEASE tell me I am not a horrible mother because I don't do it like they do! Yes DD prefers them- her father, his mother. Hell, she would probably prefer SIL over me.

Btw, DNeice is SIL's 4th child. Yes. #4. So maybe, just maybe, we are coming from different places. SIL WANTED to be a mommy to 4 kids. Mine was a surprise that I am still getting used to. Yes, I am a reluctant mother. But I am this baby's reluctant mother, so lemme do it MY WAY!!!

[ha98ed14]

I wish there was a way to post this anonymously... DH and I had words because we came home from a movie tonight and his mom would not let me take over caring for DD. (MIL babysat so we could go to a movie, which was very nice.:))

She wouldn't let me give DD a bath/ put her to bed. MIL stayed after we got home and did it herself. Ok, fine. I backed off and let her do it rather than have a fit because MIL really is good with DD. But I was pissed about it, and about MIL's questioning me on what I feed DD. And comparing me to her daughter (SIL) who has a kid the same age as DD.

So now Dh went to bed mad and I am up and of course am upset because in addition to all this crap, my own baby is going through a "I prefer everyone and anyone to Mommy right now." What is this? I stay home with my kid all. day. long. I gave up a CAREER to be home with her. And she likes MIL better than me. How's that for a punch in the stomach. Ugh.

Someone please affirm me!

[kedss]

Hi-

I went through a lot of this when DS was 2 and a half, and the inlaws came to live with us for 6 months(course I didn't know it would be that long when they got here).

I feel like I'm still recovering from that experience, and it definitely kicked my a$$ for a while, as far as my self confidence as a mother.

To me, its not that DD likes anyone else better, its that she knows you will be there, and that the other folks who are around occasionally aren't always there for her. I hope that makes some sense. I'm also one of the few people that give DS some boundaries, and I know that he understands that.

I know our DC are far apart in age, but just try to breathe, and remember that "You are the mama!"

(BTW, my inlaws are now living in Iceland)

Big hugs

[JBaxter]

You may have to stand up and have a talk with your MIL. They next time she isn in care taker mode look at her and say.... Do you know how you make me feel when you do/say things like that? Do you remember when you had your first child an your MIL stepped in? Follow up with I love you but you HAVE to let me be her mother so please let me do it. IF you dont it will get worse and you will get more and more angry with her.

You may have to distance yourself from her for a while. Find ANOTHER sitter the more you rely on her to do things like baby sit the more she is going to feel like she has a right to do certain things.

[niccig]

Hugs... You are her mother and if you want to put her to bed, YOU put her to bed. MIL needs to learn to step back. Now, if you're Ok about having a break and not doing the bed routine, then fine. But MIL doesn't get to decide.

I'll post more later, I have 2 girls and DS for the day - ack, 3 kids, how do people do it.

We still need to have that coffee...I haven't forgotten, it's just been crazy busy.

[ShanaMama]

Nodding in agreement with pp. You need to set some boundaries. Is MIL trying to aggravate you by doing that or does she seriously not realize? I also think it's a good idea to get other babysitters as well.
FWIW I think all babies go thru a stage of preferring other caregivers to mom. Just know, when DD is running around & gets a scrape there will be no one who can replace your hug & kiss. It gets better! You might even miss being dispensable if your DD becomes super clingy one day!

[bubbaray]

The "prefering anyone to mommy stage" is one I'll well familiar with -- DD#1 went through that and, frankly, is STILL in that stage. Sigh. DD#2 is a mommy's girl. I haven't changed a thing, just different kids, different personalities.

As for the food part, is your DD 1? They don't *need* actual teeth to eat "regular" food. Look at people in nursing homes without teeth -- they can chew steak with just their gums! OK, not a pretty sight, but you get my point.

I TOTALLY agree with the PPs that you need to set boundaries and that sounds like its more of your issue. But on the food stuff, IMO, it wouldn't be a bad thing to try some "big people" foods. My dr encouraged me to have both girls eating a range of big people foods by 1 year. By age 1, DD#1 didn't want baby food at all. DD#2 liked baby food until about 14-15m, but got very little of it after 12m.

You don't "need" to feed your DD pork (I don't eat pork and neither to my girls). Technically, you don't need to feed a child meat, though you do need to watch their iron intake/uptake if you choose not to feed them meat. Neither of my girls like beef, and DD#2 is anaphylactic to fish (so we can't have it in the house) -- so they eat a lot of chicken and occasionally turkey. We also eat beans, though I've slacked off this lately.

You don't need to feed your DD a cheese quesadilla, though both my girls do like them (with refried or mashed black beans and cheese on whole wheat tortillas). DD#1 was eating them by 12m and she only had 4 teeth at 12m. You could add ground or shredded chicken, turkey or beef -- or skip the "flesh" altogether (we do). You can also add veggies. Sometimes I mix pureed veggies with the black beans and the girls never notice it.

Another hit in our house with DD#2 is whole wheat pasta (macaroni or rotini are her faves) with mixed frozen veggies (or just peas), cut up veggie dogs and a bit of shredded cheese.

Good luck!

[Ceepa]

She wouldn't let me give DD a bath/ put her to bed. MIL stayed after we got home and did it herself. Ok, fine. I backed off and let her do it rather than have a fit because MIL really is good with DD. But I was pissed about it,

Set boundaries, Mama! I don't care of MIL is Mary Poppins, if she's dominating your child and you're feeling resentful about it, then let her know that you'll be handling *your* child's care.

I understand being overwhelmed by a suffocating MIL, but the trend will continue (and likely worsen) if no one discusses the issue with her.

And yes, children's current favorite people can vary. Don't let that discourage you. ((hugs))

[ha98ed14]

Nodding in agreement with pp. You need to set some boundaries. Is MIL trying to aggravate you by doing that or does she seriously not realize? I also think it's a good idea to get other babysitters as well.

Ya know, I do believe that MIL just doesn't pick up on my signals of *when* I do want to take over because I am usually very happy to have the help and let her do things her way when she is babysitting. I reached this conclusion because MIL is genuinely a loving person. I don't think she has ever *tried* to make me feel small or inadequate. I think it is just that she has 12 years of watching her daughter (SIL) parent her 4 kiddos and SIL parents much the way MIL did. They are mother-daughter.

The other reason I think MIL just doesn't pick up on the signals I try to send is because DH says that even *he* can sometimes not read what I want to have happen with DD. We parent 50/50. In other words, he will function as much as primary care giver when he is home as I will. Sometimes we will bump up against each other because although we are 50/50, we have different styles. Most of the time I just let him do it his way, but sometimes I have a hard time saying, "No, I want to do it my way." IF I can manage to say that, he will usually go with what I want, but sometimes I have a hard time asserting my "primary care-giver" authority because I don't want to discourage DH (or even MIL) from helping because I really feel like I NEED the help. SO, I think that I may be the root of the problem. I am afraid of looking like a controlling psycho, so I let folks do it their way when they are the primary care-giver of the moment, but then I get upset when I *DO* feel a need to have it my way.

Do I have the right to assert my mommy authority on isolated occasions or do I have to let them do it their way if I want their help?

On the getting-other-sitters front: Ironic because I DO have a regular babysitter (not MIL) who comes from 11-4 Monday and Wednesday so I can go to class. Originally MIL was going to watch DD during this time, but then it didn't end up working out, so I had to find outside help. I would say MIL watches DD once every 3 weeks for an evening so DH and I can go out without the baby. It is a nice gift. My regular sitter couldn't do that because she has her own DH and a DS to care for in the evenings. Funny because my and the sitter don't rub the wrong way. I am happy to let the sitter do it her way, and on the couple things I am picky about, she does as I asks. But she and I have similar styles of parenting I think. Way more in common than me and SIL & MIL.

Anyway, I know this is rambling. Thanks for "listening"/ reading/ responding. I just felt SO low last night. It did not help that DH went to bed mad. He saw my perspective, but was also frustrated with me because, as he says, I send mixed signals and can't expect MIL or him to read my mind...

[bubbaray]

Do I have the right to assert my mommy authority on isolated occasions or do I have to let them do it their way if I want their help?




Well, I don't have help from M or MIL (both dead) or s-MIL (she's not interested) or a sitter, though I do have FT licensed in-home daycare for the girls. I have learned that I do have to let some small things go with daycare, but for the most part I get my way (mainly because I'm paying a kings ransom and am not afraid to ask). I actually can't think of anything I let go with daycare right now, but I know that I've had to relax a bit over the years.

I have definitely absolutely had to relax with DH. He actually does more child-related stuff currently as my job/profession is very demanding, plus I've been sick for for-freakin'-ever. He has a different style than me and has flat out told me that if I want him to do *it* (whatever that may be, feeding, bathing, whatever), I have to let him do it his way. On big ticket things (using prescription lotions on DD#2 for example), I persist. On smaller issues, I let him have his way.

Its a hard balance to strike, that's for sure.

[MontrealMum]

:hug: It's always difficult when you feel that your parenting choices are being questioned, especially when your DH doesn't seem to stand up for you, or agree, and when it's the in-laws. My parents are generally pretty good, and we tend to agree - but that's probably because my parenting style is going to follow theirs (and they're FAR from perfect) - this is mostly because that's what I know. That's probably why your MIL and SIL agree more - as well as having that mother-daughter thing.

While my MIL has been quite supportive and helpful, she's not *my* mom, and it's harder to be direct with her. We have the same conversations over and over and I don't always feel that she listens - food, pacifiers, teeth, footed pjs, sandboxes - sound silly, I know! - but, generally, I find that she's open to hearing WHY we do what we do, or that we might like to do some things differently. Part of it is that it's just been so long since she raised her kids (she's 76), and that SIL (who has one DS) is a complete wingnut (not that she agrees with SIL, she's just unaware of the new standards because SIL was off in left field). It's usually just that when I think she's criticizing, she just doesn't know the *new* ways, or thinks that she's helping. Because, really, she wants to be helpful, but she doesn't always know how. All that rambling to say - talk to her gently but directly, you may be surprised by her reaction.

And on the food front? I am in a mommy swim group with about 8 pairs, and the diversity of who eats what, when, is shocking. As is the diversity of advice given by the peds, families, friends etc. Do what feels comfortable for you, while trying to ensure that your DD is getting the nutrients she needs. We had quite a battle with the ped over meat as well (won't go into it here) - and I did a lot of research and am making up for the iron in other ways - hiding liver in yogurt, beans, spinach. DS is very picky, but will eat certain things, so I "hide" other things within them. Also, he really enjoys have "adult" food from my plate - so I do mash things up for him to try as long as they are things he's been introduced to (allergies in the familiy). He eats guacamole, cottage cheese, yogurt, fruit, and meat/sauces from my plate. I think it's the novelty that does it for him - but each child is different. One thing he really loves, and so do the other kids in the swim group - mashed avocado! The books all say banana, but avocado seems to be much more popular with the kids.

As Melissa said, you could try some more adult things at this stage (this is what we have done), but remember also that just because the cousin likes certain things, it doesn't mean that your DD will - or that she should. Try to take the advice with a grain of salt too - your SIL is on her 4th - people become much more relaxed as they do this for the 2nd and 3rd times. Your still on your first, and are likely to be more sensitive, and cautious - like me! I often have to remind myself to be less sensitive, and it is hard - but as others have said, you are the mama, and you are in charge :)

[ShanaMama]

The other reason I think MIL just doesn't pick up on the signals I try to send is because DH says that even *he* can sometimes not read what I want to have happen with DD. We parent 50/50. In other words, he will function as much as primary care giver when he is home as I will. Sometimes we will bump up against each other because although we are 50/50, we have different styles. Most of the time I just let him do it his way, but sometimes I have a hard time saying, "No, I want to do it my way." IF I can manage to say that, he will usually go with what I want, but sometimes I have a hard time asserting my "primary care-giver" authority because I don't want to discourage DH (or even MIL) from helping because I really feel like I NEED the help. SO, I think that I may be the root of the problem. I am afraid of looking like a controlling psycho, so I let folks do it their way when they are the primary care-giver of the moment, but then I get upset when I *DO* feel a need to have it my way.

Do I have the right to assert my mommy authority on isolated occasions or do I have to let them do it their way if I want their help?


I think this may be something you need to work on. You absolutely have the right to assert your authority, but maybe you should question is if that's a wise choice. You do want the help, right? It's always easier to have a paid babysitter do it your way than MIL, there are no emotions involved & she's your employee. But it sounds like you need to work on sending the right signals or better yet stating what you want clearly. We women are great at expecting everyone to read our minds & nuances. That expectation leads to lots of misunderstanding & disappointment. There is also a difference between MIL bathing the baby her way because you want her to bathe the baby & her bathing the baby when you really want to do it. Can you make a strong effort to articulate what you want without emotion. Like: 'I'd appreciate if you could babysit on x night & I will take over when we come back home.'
ETA: I doubt you will be viewed as a psycho control freak if you assert your preference calmly. You are swallowing your preferences more than you should be!
My SIL has similar issues with my MIL - I think because SIL has a harder time letting go than I do. (She is the DIL not daughter.) When we spend time there I try to let MIL do things her way as long as it isn't harming DD. I just try to relax my standards & 'not see' as much as possible. If she wants to give her candy, fine, as long as DD eats real food first. Want to indulge her a bit more than I would? Fine, that's what grandparents are for! But my SIL who is extremely rigid & structured & tied to a routine practically rations her kids' food intake. She is also extremely strict about bedtimes. She has a very hard time when MIL takes over. I think looking away & letting go has helped her alot. (We've had many discussions about this & I tried to give her some of these tips.)

One last thing in my long post! I feel very strongly that it's confusing for a child to get mixed messages from each parent. (I don't think it's such a big issue with other care providers that are not parents, like grandparents. I think kids understand different rules in different places.) DH & I are pretty neurotic about this- if one of us gives DD an answer she doesn't like she will often ask the other parent. We *always* back each other up. Even if I disagree with DH's answer, I will not contradict him in front of her. Once in a while I'll suggest a third option to compromise, but if it's a yes or no question, Daddy & Mommy are on the same page. Your DD is not old enough yet, but if you get in the habit of disagreeing in front of her it can send mixed messages. The last thing I want is my DD knowing that she can get something out of one parent & not the other.

[diegosmom]

Not the most mature way to handle this but I find it comic relief when my mother (yes, mother not MIL) gets overbearing is to give sarcastic replies with a straight face and serious tone. Ok, so it's childish but cracks me up. For example, what did you feed the baby. Tonight we gave him a little bit of steak and potatoes. He liked the steak but I think he prefers rice to potatoes. Like I said not, mature but gives me a giggle none the less. She usually leaves me alone (at least for bit) after that. Hang in there, we all go through overbearing and overopinionated people.