Aaarrgh! Not cooperating at all....

[MMMommy]

This is a really long vent about something silly. I'm so frustrated I don't even know where to begin. DD1 has been in the same dance class for several months now, and she is in the second session of the class (I just re-enroll her every session--same teacher, often times the same kids in the class each time). First time around, she loved it. No problems at all. So naturally, I signed her up again b/c she liked the class so much. Second session starts, it's the first class. DD1 cries, refuses to participate, doesn't even enter the classroom. I try to reason with her, explain to her that everything will be fine, etc. Of course I lose my patience and get frustrated and angry at the same time. I feel bad about myself and about DD1's behavior. It doesn't help that a critical mom (let's call her "Critical Mom") says to me "I guess you have to just call it a day, take her home and show her who's boss." Meanwhile, other moms from the class are really nice and supportive and say that they have been there and understand completely.

Fast forward to the end of the second session. DD1 pulls the same stunt on the third to last class. DD1 is upset, refuses to enter the room, won't participate, etc. Makes a big scene. At this point, the class is preparing and rehearsing for their special show (with costumes and all). DD1's refusal to participate of course leaves another child out in the dust and without a partner for the day. That makes me feel horrible. Critical Mom gives her disapproving looks and stares. That's all she does. Stares with disapproval and disgust.

Dress rehearsal day, DD1 is excited and says she can't wait to participate. Of course, she acts up again. Stands in the corner of the stage, refuses to participate, but at the same time, she refuses to leave the stage. I tell her to come sit with me and just watch. She insists on being up there, but she isn't participating either. I try to remove her from the stage, and she screams and cries. Meanwhile, all the other kids are frolicking and dancing up a storm. Critical Mom is watching and whispering to another mom and giving her disapproving look and disapproving stare.

All in all, I'm frustrated, angry and sad about this. I know I shouldn't care what Critical Mom thinks. Critical Mom means nothing to me. But it still hurts and makes me feel like a failure. And, these episodes are just embarrassing. I end up feeling horrible about DD1's behavior, about the way I handle the situation, etc. Of course DD1 is the only one to act like this during the whole session. DD1 keeps saying she likes the class and wants to dance, wants to be in the show, etc. I'm upset b/c I'm not some stagemom who forces her kid to go to some class that she hates. DD1 insists on going to the class and gets upset when I drag her away. It makes no sense at all.

Meanwhile, DH thinks I am making a big deal and feeling bad for nothing. He offers no sympathy and doesn't want to hear about it. DH thinks I do nothing but complain, complain, complain.

The show is tomorrow. I was in tears last night about it all--about DD1's behavior, about my handling of the situation, about feeling horrible b/c of Critical Mom and her mean looks. I can only imagine what will happen the day of the show. Thanks for listening.

P.S. I already signed her up for the third session before the meltdowns occurred. DD1 said she wants to be in it, and her good friends are signed up. She has one good friend in the class already now (another reason why the meltdown surprises me). I already dread seeing Critical Mom, assuming her kid will be in it next time too.

[bubbaray]

OK, about Critical Mom. Nuts to her -- she means nothing to you or your DD. Who cares about her? Ignore her, she d/n exist.

With your DD, many might disagree, but my vote is for bribery. Talk to her about how much fun she'll have at the performance, how cool her costume is, how proud she'll feel when she's done. Ask her to think of what a great present would be that she can have if she does the performance. New dance shoes, new leotard, new toy, new book, new craft -- whatever.

I swore I would never use bribery, but it totally works. I draw the line at bribery with food or use to get them to eat, though. But, for other things it works. For example, we are currently having issues with DD#1 getting out of bed in the middle of the night and coming into our bed. We've been using reward stickers (3 stickers = surprise from the Dollar Store box), but its not working. So, I picked up a new pair of swimming goggles at the store the other day and told DD#1 that if she slept through the night and stayed in her own bed for the whole week, she could have the goggles and wear them for her swimming lesson on Saturday (tomorrow). So far, so good.

Good luck! :)

[tiapam]

I agree with PP about bribery, though I think it's ok to use food as long as there are no big food issues. I use lollypops and MnMs but I think going out for ice cream is an okay bribe too. I think that would be a nice reward for the whole family after the show.

About the class, can you just not be there? Then you don't see any of this and perhaps your DD will be just fine.

I think this is one of those times you have to ask yourself: Will this matter to me in five years? ten years? twenty years? No, you will have new challenges then. :)

About CM: Her comment was out of line. She is a pill. Pay no attention to her. Her daughter is going to be an awful teenager.

[JTsMom]

:hug: Your DD sounds a lot like my DS. It is hard. Really hard some days. Having someone like CM around certainly doesn't help the situation, it just puts more pressure on you, and freaks you out even more, which makes it even harder to be an effective parent. I totally feel your pain.

Did you happen to catch the post about selling our toddlers on ebay? Check out my first story there. The part that I didn't put in was after my toal meltdown, and the emotional torture I inflicted upon myself b/c I'm the worst mom in the world, EVERY SINGLE MOM (and these were mostly older moms who haven't had toddlers in years) I talked to about it laughed and sympathized, and said anyone who had a problem with the way DS acted was crazy.

They shared their own stories, told me not to put so much pressure on myself, b/c I can't control everything DS does, cheered me up in general, and told me to do my best at ignoring what other people think. Here I was thinking all of these women were silently judging me, but every single one was so supportive that it brought tears to my eyes.

Now, I'm not saying CM isn't really judging you- there certainly area few holier-than-thou moms out there, but I'd bet you anything that your DD's behavior seems a thousand times worse to you than it does to anyone else. If she thinks she is the world's most perfect mother, let her, who cares. Her daughter will probably turn out to be the biggest delinquent in high school. LOL

Here's another :hug: . Whatever happens at the recital, it is not your fault. You are doing the best you can!

[MMMommy]

It would be nice to be able to not be at the class, but I think that is what triggered DD1's very first dance class meltdown. I made the mistake of telling her in advance that I needed to make a Costco run. She thought I was abandoning her. Moms aren't allowed in the actual dance room, just outside. Which is probably better. But they doors are left open, so the kids often times peek out to make sure their moms are there and watching.

Thank you so much for your support. There are so many times (this situation being one of them), where I feel like I am a bad mom. I end up feeling so bad about myself and about my childrens' behavior. DH tends to give his opinion on how my parenting can improve, and I am not good with taking criticism. I just feel that when DH tells me what I am doing wrong, that DH doesn't understand b/c he isn't home with the kids like I am. He thinks my discipline is too lax and that my threats are empty. I admit, sometimes I just give in to the kids b/c I am beyond frustrated and it's the easy way out at times. But when he gives his opinion, I always think "easier said than done."

I know it is silly, but I just can't help but to wish Critical Mom's kid won't be signed up for the next session. I need to let her critical looks roll off my back.

The show is tomorrow. I think we can all guess what will happen. Cooperation on stage in front of many, many pairs of eyes? Doubtful. I'll report back on what happens.....

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your support.

[npace19147]

Well, you might be surprised! Our DD has some very shy tendencies, takes a dance class, generally loves going in. On the day of their recital she absolutely refused to go in with her class. Wouldn't sit with her group, wouldn't line up, nothing. DH and I were about to explode. At the very last minute she went on stage with the class, stood there like a deer in the headlights...and then hammed it up the whole time.

Totally unpredictable creatures.

[spunkybaby]

((((Hugs!)))) It's not just your DD...my DD has been hot and cold about dance class all year too. At this point, I can't wait for the recital to come and for it all to be done. I'm ready for a break from dance too.

Try not to let Critical Mom get to you. Just remember, you're a good mom :)

[MMMommy]

DD1 participated in the big show today with no fuss or problem. I am SOOOOOO relieved. She was rewarded with a big thing of cotton candy after.

[MMMommy]

I should have mentioned this in my earlier post, but on the day of the show, the teacher actually paired up DD1 with Critical Mom's daughter for partners. I was HORRIFIED. While every other mom has been sweet, supportive and understanding in that class, Critical Mom is the only one who has been judgy with her critical whisperings and dirty looks. And for DD1 to get paired up with Critical Mom's daughter minutes before the show started really got me worked up. So after they got paired up, Critical Mom actually came up to me and said "She's going to perform today, right?" I was livid. So the initial pressure of DD1 needing to behave and participate just tripled.

Thankfully, DD1 did just fine. But can you believe she got paired with Critical Mom's daughter????

[maestramommy]

Late to this, but I'm so glad your DD came through! I have no experience with this, but a friend of mine had a dd in dance class, a little under 3yo. Her daughter is really slow to warm up to new situations, and just wouldn't participate. Finally the mom told her if she didn't participate in dance class she couldn't see a movie they were planning to see over the weekend. The dd kept saying all week, "Mommy I participate in dance class." And she did! Did really well too. I think she was fine after that.

I think for the next session I would have a private chat with the teacher. Say since your dd's participation is spotty, not to pair her up with CM's dd. Say CM seems to take the class very seriously, and would be very put out if the pairing didn't go well, and might make a fuss. Just my two cents.

[elizabethkott]

So glad the performance went well for your DD!
You must be so proud!!!
:)

[tarabenet]

Good for your DD! Just remember, Critical Mom's turn will most certainly come. When it does, try to rise above the urge to treat her the way she has treated you. She doesn't deserve that much of your time or energy. You are more than welcome to laugh yourself silly in private or here with us, of course!