Hit hard this morning by a "Mommy Drive By"

[Pennylane]

I took my dd to the bus stop this morning and while waiting another mom said to me that I looked great, had I been working out. I said yes, I had bought an elipitical and was trying to do it everyday for 30 minutes. Another mom was standing there and said " Well, if I didn't have to work everyday,I could do that too"! My really good friend was standing there and just shook her head in agreement to what the lady had said. Now, I am a SAHM, but to 3 children and my DH works about 12-13 hours a day. When I do get the time to exercise it is after 8:30 at night or during the hour when they nap. It just made me so mad especially since my df did not say anything!!

Guess I should just let it go, huh?

Ann

[elephantmeg]

ugh that sucks. You are totally right-its harder as a SAHM! You go girl, they are just jellous

[JBaxter]

My answer is Yes its GREAT to be a "kept" woman.

[nov04]

Sounds like you're doing wonderfully. She sounds jealous.

Keep going!!!

[boolady]

ugh that sucks. You are totally right-its harder as a SAHM! You go girl, they are just jellous

I think it's awfully hard to say it's harder one way or the other-- I WOHM, and I can't imagine a night when I could exercise before 8:00 or 8:30 p.m., either. The drive-byer sounds jealous and tactless.

Everyone's situation presents its own individual challenges, and I give the OP a huge amount of credit for having the persistence to work out every night after working hard all day. Congrats on your hard work and the results!

[egoldber]

I would have just assumed that she was feeling yucky about herself and trying to justify why she doesn't have the time. I think this was definitely more about her than about you, KWIM?

[boolady]

I think this was definitely more about her than about you, KWIM?

Exactly! Well put.

[hillview]

I would have just assumed that she was feeling yucky about herself and trying to justify why she doesn't have the time. I think this was definitely more about her than about you, KWIM?

:yeahthat:

[Momof3Labs]

It wasn't necessarily the most tactful comment but at least for me, it is true. I work part-time, and due to the nature of my commute and my job, on the days I go into the office a workout is out of the question unless I do it at 9pm after the kids are in bed and I've had dinner. On days that I'm home alone with the kids (DH works 24hr shifts, so we also have long days), I find it easier to fit in a workout because my fitness center has good, cheap childcare. Other WOHMs might have the flexibility to fit in a workout before or after work, or during the lunch hour. Just as other SAHMs might not have the good childcare that our fitness center offers, making workouts hard with the kids.

We all have our challenges as mothers, and it isn't worth getting into the "my life is harder than yours" argument. No one wins in the end. Let this one go.

[ThreeofUs]

Take comfort that the other women thought you were looking great. Must have made the ones who made comments grind their teeth in jealousy.

After all, *you* are making the time to do what's right for you - and *they* aren't. And they just heard, in their faces, that it matters.

Disloyalty from your friend is, well, human nature. Chalk it up to experience.

[DrSally]

They just feel guilty that they haven't found time to workout. Regardless of your situation, it takes a concerted effort to do it! It's hard to think of a snappy response though.

[BillK]

I'm glad my wife is a SAHM and can find the time to work out. I love her little apple-butt!

Regardless - as others have said - everyone has different challenges to deal with and if you really want to make the time for something - you find a time to fit it in. If she "really" wanted to work out - she'd figure out a way. My wife runs for about 45 minutes every day on her treadmill in our basement while both boys nap - most days she doesn't have time to get a shower afterward and ends up "stinky" all day until the boys are back down at night and she can get her shower. Not the most favorable situation but that's what works for her and she deals with being stinky all afternoon so she can do it.

[Globetrotter]

She probably felt she had to justify why SHE couldn't work out.

She doesn't know your circumstances and, frankly, many of my WOHM friends don't realize what it's like to be at home, at least judging from their comments. It's not all fun and games and lunches with friends, especially when dh works long hours, as mine also does. I'm fortunate to belong to a gym that has wonderful childcare, and when the kids were really small that workout was often my only break since dh was hardly around. I was wiped out at the end of the day!

I agree with the PP who said there is no point playing the "My life is harder than yours." game. Truth is, it depends on SO many factors that there is no way to compare or point in comparing.

Kris

[bubbaray]

I have stayed at home on 1 year maternity leaves with both girls, then returned to WOTH. So, I feel "qualified" to comment.

Being a WOTH mom is by FAR more difficult logistically. There just aren't enough hours in the day. Things like scheduling dr's appointments, extracurricular activities for the children, running errands and shopping are all really difficult when you work more than FT hours and need to drop off/pick up from daycare at specific times and still get time to see your kids before they are in bed. Scheduling things like working out means that either work suffers or I see my kids that much less. I'm already up at 6am, though I suppose I could get up at 5am to get my workout in.

I don't think being a WOTH or SAHM is inherently better than the other. And, for *ME*, I prefer being a WOTH mom for a lot of reasons. But, I've found being a WOTH mom far far FAR more difficult logistically. When I was a SAHM, dr's appointments, mom/baby classes, working out, shopping and just spending time with the kids were all things that I was able to do a lot easier than I am able to do them (or not) now.

JMHO.

[Piglet]

For me, I find being a SAHM challenging for many of the same reasons as you find being a WOHM challenging. I have loads of "me" time at work - I can make phone calls, book appointments, go to the dentist on work time. When I am a SAHM, I have to find a sitter for any real appointment and work to schedule everything around naps and kid routines. Even working out is something that many people around here do on their lunch breaks - they grab their runners and hit the running paths. Our office even has shower facilities for everyone to use. The only thing that we have a hard time making time for is grocery shopping, so I have arranged my schedule so that I can take 1/2 day off to run errands. It has made me so much more sane to have a grocery day that isn't during a peak shopping time!

Back to the OP - chalk it up to jealousy. I remember I made a really dumb comment once when a friend of mine told me she was expecting her 2nd and I was in the midst of a year of unsuccessful TTC. She told me her news and the only thing that came out of my mouth (which I regret to this day), is "oh, you're due in August? I bet it will be really hot and uncomfortable". Dumb, huh? I was jealous and that was the only thing I could say to make myself feel better. It was the wrong thing to say out loud :(

[niccig]

I agree with Piglet about the difficulty of making an appointment and having to work out a sitter for DS. I'm not saying it would be any easier if I was working outside the home. But it's not as easy as some people think being a SAHM and organising things. One eg. I can never get my hair coloured. I can't do it during DS's preschool hours as the hair dresser doesn't open until 10am and I have to pick DS up by 11.30am. So either I have to do it on 2 separate days, which I can never seem to organize, or I just go for several months looking like a skunk with all my gray hair roots. Last month my hair was so bad, a friend told me she was taking DS for the afternoon so I could get it coloured and I felt guilty as she has 2 kids. Her DH is freelance and often has a weekday off as works on the weekend, so she told me it was easier for her to go to appts. My situation is complicated by DH's work hours, I can never rely on him to be home at a certain time. Another friend put her DC into preschool longer hours just so she could go to the doctor, dentist etc.

Oh, and I work out at 5.30am before DS gets up, so I can get things done during the 1 hour nap.

[Pennylane]

I did not mean to start a WAHM vs. a SAHM battle on this one. I think what made me so mad was that my friend just shook her head in agreement. She knows how hard I work at home with my DH gone all the time and how I have really been having to find this extra 30 minutes a day to fit it in. I just wish she would have spoken up.

Both her and the other woman are a little overweight so I am sure there are some feelings of jealousy there too but I know their work schedules and they would also have time to fit it in if they really wanted to.

Ann

[Piglet]

Don't worry - it wasn't a battle. It wasn't even a debate. I always like reading the different perspectives.

[StantonHyde]

I work PT. It is soooo much easier to workout then. I just leave the kids in day care an extra hour and run. Easy to do. (would not be easy if I worked longer shifts and had just barely enough time to grab the kids etc) When I am at home, I can go to the gym and do the childcare there, but it takes a big chunk out of my day. Soon, I will have to get up at 6 am because it will be too hot to run after 9 am. And then I have to worry about DH's schedule--is he home then?? So it is hard either way--but for me, MUCH easier when I am working--going to work is a break for me!

Kudos to you--if you want it, you make it happen :love5:

[bubbaray]

I obviously have the wrong job.

I work through lunch pretty much every day, year round. I don't take breaks, I don't talk to my coworkers, I don't exercise during the work day. I work. Its definitely NOT a break -- the furthest thing from it! I usually get home at 6pm and the girls are in bed at 7:30pm. If I exercise (and sometimes I do), I have only 30 minutes with them at the end of the day. If I exercise after they are completely in bed & settled, that would be at 8:30pm and I start getting ready for bed myself at 9pm. I would be waaaay too "up" if I exercised after 8:30pm, not to mention I don't feel safe running by myself at night. I definitely want to exercise, but to make it happen, I take time away from seeing my kids. That's my reality.

I'm exhausted enough as it is. My work is draining. My kids are draining. I can't imagine hauling my butt out of bed at 5am to exercise (and its still dark then anyway, so I don't feel safe running by myself), though I suppose I should feel guilty for that. I'm "on" from 6am onwards, getting the girls up, fed, dressed, lunches for daycare, getting myself ready for work, etc.. I'm considering a treadmill, but don't really look forward to getting up at 5am and losing yet another hour of sleep (in theory I'm getting 8hrs a night right now, but usually at least one of the girls wakes during the night and I have a horrible time getting/getting back to sleep, so I average about 6 hrs a night. I can't imagine how crabby I would be on 5 hours a night).

I know a few SAHMs IRL and they all whine about their children going to school and the early (um, between 8:30 and 9am for schools here) start time, plus how hard it is to pack lunches. I don't say anything, but I'd sure like to.... And, it would be a rather POINTED comment, if you get my drift.

I have zero "me" time and virtually never make personal appointments for myself. Just doesn't happen. I always figured out a way to juggle things when I was a SAHM.

To the OP, I'm sure you didn't mean to start a WOTH/SAHM battle or debate. But, really, that's what it boils down to. SAHMs don't seem to understand the issues that WOTH moms face, and the same for WOTHs.

[wellyes]

I'm home now with the baby. I can drop baby off anytime at the gym daycare and go workout. In addition, I go to Baby and Mom yoga twice a week. I have the luxury of time that a WOHM does not. This doesn't mean that SAHM is easier / lazier / better / worse / etc. etc. etc. It's not a mommy war thing, in my mind.

But yeah, if they REALLY wanted to work out, they'd find the time. I know very, very few people who are completely booked and overwhelmed. I know lots of people who complain about having no time while spending hours a day watching TV, chatting on the phone or, um, posting on message boards. I don't have anything against TV or chatting or boards - I'm a big fan of all those things. But having to sacrifice leisure to work out isn't the same as being so busy you can't work out.

[boolady]

I obviously have the wrong job.

I work through lunch pretty much every day, year round. I don't take breaks, I don't talk to my coworkers, I don't exercise during the work day. I work. Its definitely NOT a break -- the furthest thing from it!

I have zero "me" time and virtually never make personal appointments for myself. Just doesn't happen.

I don't know how to do it, but insert smiley holding sign saying "Yeah, that."

[Melanie]

Clearly she has some issues. They're hers not yours. Congrats on looking great!

[niccig]

I know you weren't trying to start the debate on who has it easier, because no one does. Everyone's situation is different. I've heard similar comments about how easy it is for me, and some things are, but others aren't. I mostly get annoyed with DH who expects more to get done that I can do with an active 3 yo toddler. It was much easier when DS was a baby, not so much anymore. Today my DH is going out to eat lunch with work colleagues and tomorrow's lunch he is seeing a doctor. Today I ate my lunch with a tantrum throwing child and DS comes with me to dr. appts.

[R2sweetboys]

To the OP, you go girl! :43: That's quite an accomplishment to work out consistently after long days with three kids and little help. You should be proud of yourself! I definitely think it's a matter of jealousy and insecurity on the rude woman's part. It would have been nice of your friend to stand up for you, considering that she knows your situation.(probably jealous too!)

And to this from a PP...
"To the OP, I'm sure you didn't mean to start a WOTH/SAHM battle or debate. But, really, that's what it boils down to. SAHMs don't seem to understand the issues that WOTH moms face, and the same for WOTHs."

Then why make this a WOHM/SAHM battle? I don't think you need to be so defensive here. It sounds like your work/home situation is very demanding as it is for many WOHMs. Other's work situations are more relaxed and they would consider it easier than SAHMing. SAHM situations also differ based on number of children, temperament of said child/ren, and a multitude of other circumstances.

The OP was not starting a debate about which role is harder. She has every right to be annoyed by the assumption that just because her job is in the home, it's easier FOR HER to work out. Clearly it's not. For her it's an effort to do it after the kids are in bed, just as it would be for you with your schedule.

(And now I'm going to get my jiggly butt out and run since I have NO EXCUSE!! :p )

[g-mama]

I obviously have the wrong job.

I think you do, LOL. If I remember correctly, you are a lawyer - am I right? So is my dh and he works like you do. Like a dog. I have to remind myself that that is the job, it's not his choice. My life as a SAHM is hard but I agree that even on my worst days, it's easier than his. The expectation is that he is always available, when the client needs him, he needs to be there. For some foolish reason, I thought when he made partner it would improve, that he would have more control. Um, no.

Then again I have a neighbor/friend up the street who WOTH while her parents take care of her three kids. She calls me from work and wants to talk on and on and on about neighborhood gossip and then tells me about all the shopping she did on her 2-hour lunch break and how she's surfing the net while we're talking....there are all kinds of jobs and that, too, makes all the difference.

[saschalicks]

I have stayed at home on 1 year maternity leaves with both girls, then returned to WOTH. So, I feel "qualified" to comment.

Being a WOTH mom is by FAR more difficult logistically. There just aren't enough hours in the day. Things like scheduling dr's appointments, extracurricular activities for the children, running errands and shopping are all really difficult when you work more than FT hours and need to drop off/pick up from daycare at specific times and still get time to see your kids before they are in bed. Scheduling things like working out means that either work suffers or I see my kids that much less. I'm already up at 6am, though I suppose I could get up at 5am to get my workout in.

I don't think being a WOTH or SAHM is inherently better than the other. And, for *ME*, I prefer being a WOTH mom for a lot of reasons. But, I've found being a WOTH mom far far FAR more difficult logistically. When I was a SAHM, dr's appointments, mom/baby classes, working out, shopping and just spending time with the kids were all things that I was able to do a lot easier than I am able to do them (or not) now.

JMHO.

ITA. Maybe the woman's tone was not the best and she could've said it a lot more tactfully IMHO. The fact that it takes my schedule, my DH's schedule and my parent's schedule to take the kids to any normal appts, just lets you know that some things are taken for granted, when it comes to "time". Like the OP said she can do her work-outs after 8:30 or at nap. Well, I don't have a nap hour and I start laundry, cleaning, picking up toys, paying bills etc at 8 PM so, I could never fit it in unless I woke up at 5 AM. However, OTOH if I really wanted to I could make it happen. KWIM?

Having said all of that, again, I'll say that the jealousy and the tone is very inherent in this case, and the OP should be offended b/c no one should say those kinds of things to each other. I commend all SAHM & WAHM openly. I think they have a much harder job then I do. However, my schedule just doesn't allow for the things that are allowed in their lives.

[Pennylane]

To the OP, you go girl! :43: That's quite an accomplishment to work out consistently after long days with three kids and little help. You should be proud of yourself! )

Awww, thanks Leslie!

I know that plenty of women have it much harder than me, WOHM and SAHM. I just know that I work really hard and for me to fit 30 minutes to exercise a day into my schedule was a big accomplishment for me.

Ann

[Mamma2004]

Awww, thanks Leslie!

I know that plenty of women have it much harder than me, WOHM and SAHM. I just know that I work really hard and for me to fit 30 minutes to exercise a day into my schedule was a big accomplishment for me.

Ann

...and GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is an accomplishment to fit in exercise and taking care of yourself, regardless of your "work" status. Keep it up and be proud of yourself!

[ha98ed14]

Both her and the other woman are a little overweight so I am sure there are some feelings of jealousy there too but I know their work schedules and they would also have time to fit it in if they really wanted to.

Ann

I just want to caution you against making assumptions about people's weight in relation to their exercising or lifestyle habits. Some people can work out all the time and still have a very hard time losing weight. It may take more exercise for them to lose a little weight than for someone else with a faster metabolism who will see results right away from a smaller amount of exercise. You just do not know what battle they are fighting, just like they don't know yours.

If you are thin, it may be easy to assume that those of us who are overweight are jealous of you. Usually we aren't. We are just fighting our own battle with ourselves and whatever patterns that have made us overweight and/ or our slow metabolisms.

But I agree, what that lady said to you was so NOT necessary, helpful or kind. No one's life is easy. Thin, fat, short, tall, one kid or three. We are all just doing the best we can. If your friend is close enough, I think you could say something if it will be eating at you.

[Pennylane]

I just want to caution you against making assumptions about people's weight in relation to their exercising or lifestyle habits. Some people can work out all the time and still have a very hard time losing weight. It may take more exercise for them to lose a little weight than for someone else with a faster metabolism who will see results right away from a smaller amount of exercise. You just do not know what battle they are fighting, just like they don't know yours.

If you are thin, it may be easy to assume that those of us who are overweight are jealous of you. Usually we aren't. We are just fighting our own battle with ourselves and whatever patterns that have made us overweight and/ or our slow metabolisms.



You are right, I should not make assumptions about other people either. My df would be the first though to admit that she does not like to exercise and has a poor diet. The other lady I really don't know about.

I am not thin, just what I consider normal weight for my body type. I do have to work at it though and watch what I eat. I don't judge anyone for their weight, I know how hard it is to get in shape and lose weight. I would never make a comment to her like she made to me though.

Ann

[C99]

Being a WOTH mom is by FAR more difficult logistically.

With all due respect, it's only fair for you to say that being a WOTHM is more difficult FOR YOU.

[heatherlynn]

With all due respect, it's only fair for you to say that being a WOTHM is more difficult FOR YOU.

:yeahthat:

[mamicka]

I know a few SAHMs IRL and they all whine about their children going to school and the early (um, between 8:30 and 9am for schools here) start time, plus how hard it is to pack lunches. I don't say anything, but I'd sure like to.... And, it would be a rather POINTED comment, if you get my drift.

I have zero "me" time and virtually never make personal appointments for myself. Just doesn't happen. I always figured out a way to juggle things when I was a SAHM.

To the OP, I'm sure you didn't mean to start a WOTH/SAHM battle or debate. But, really, that's what it boils down to. SAHMs don't seem to understand the issues that WOTH moms face, and the same for WOTHs.

I understand that your life is challenging. You seem to recognize that other moms don't understand how your life is, but neither do you recognize the challenges that the other moms might have themselves. I SAH but I don't feel that I have it any easier than a working mom, not even you. I could honestly say pretty much all the things you did about your schedule about mine (minus the daycare, which I provide myself). My life is different, yes. Easier, no. I think every mom has their own set of challenges & we need to recognize that even if we don't know the details.