Shy child advice

[wendmatt]

DD is terribly shy and uncomfortable in a new situation or with new people. I signed her up for swimming classes with one of her good friends and she said she wanted to go. Today was the first day and the teacher was very nice and calm and gentle but DD refused to get in the water, was shaking and crying on and off. I got her to sit on the edge and put her feet in but that was it. We talked about it and she promised she'd go in the water tomorrow and later at home she's crying and saying she wishes she hadn't made that promise and doesn't want to go back.
I don't want to be a cruel mother who forces her child to do something she doesn't want to do (she LOVES to be in the water, we went to the pool yesterday) but I want her to know that things are not always going to be with me and she will have to overcome her fears sometimes.
What to do? Should I keep going (it's every day for 30 mins for 2 weeks) and see if she gets used to it or let her not go back? It's so hard to know what's the right thing to do.
Thanks for any advice.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I don't know that my ramblings will help but I'll share them anyway:

I was your dd. It was painful for me to meet others and experience new things in general.

I've had to overcome my shyness as an adult. I've learned I have to be my own advocate and experience new things. Even if it's uncomfortable in the beginning, it's always been well worth the growth I've experienced as a result.

My DD was very shy as well until age 3.5. She's really come out of her shell and is able to speak for herself in situations that even I sometimes would rather not. It was a tremendous blessing to me to see her grow in this area because I never pushed her. She came to it on her own with my/dh's guidance.

IIRC, your dd is 5 or older so not a young toddler. This seems to me like a perfect opportunity for her to work on her shyness. I think I'd have a talk with her. Let her know you're nearby, she's safe, things are okay. She had a day to acclimate to class and tomorrow we'll start over. Yes, it might be scary in the beginning but once class starts and she's used to it, it won't be big and scary anymore. She'll have triumphed!:cheerleader1:


Hth. I feel her pain and am at the other side. The reality isn't as bad as our imaginations make it. :hug: to you both. :)

[mamabelle]

How old is she. This was my dd. We worked on preparing her for what was going to happen, what the expectations were and also, not pushing her too hard and validating her feelings. The harder we pushed, the more anxious she became and the more difficult things were for her. It seemed to have a lot to do with anxiety. When you go to swimming tomorrow tell her at breakfast that you are going, she is going to get there, change into her swimsuit and you will just sit with her by the pool until she is ready to go in. Tell her who will be there that she knows and remind of the teacher's name. If she does not go in, it is okay. She most likely will withing a few days. We did this with everything(you do not have go in but we are going to go anyway. You do not have to talk to any of the kids at the party but we will watch together an see what the kids are doing, you do not need to have a long conversation, you just need to say hello if people say hello to you....) Eventually she will have enough positive experiences that she will feel more secure. Like I said, my dd was like this and within a year she became a very chatty, friendly kid with new people and experiences. She still stands back a bit in the beginning but opens up quickly. People always comment on how outgoing and friendly she is! Underneath she is still shy but has developed the skills she needs to cope and engage.

Good luck!

[kedss]

I was shy too-

I would try taking her everyday, and see what happens. I would try not to make a big deal about how far she gets in the water, but praise her for going and trying. Try to emphasize the positives in taking lessons. :)

[DrSally]

It is hard to know the right thing to do. You did your best, I think, by finding a gentle teacher and signing her up with a friend. I was/am an introvert, and truly believe by experience and training that pushing too hard or in a way that makes the child feel she is not ok being the way she is is the wrong way to go. It only makes the child withdraw further and erodes confidence/self esteem. Some people believe that pushing is necessary or shy kids will never come out of their shells. I personally don't believe you can forcibly change temprement. I believe Phillip Zimbardo, past president of the American Psychological Assoc has done a lot of research on shyness and ways to intervene early to increase the child's social functioning early. I would look him up and see what you can find. He does have suggestions for working with shyness. I personally would keep offering opportunities and encouragement, but not push. She prob needs a lot of time to warm up. Maybe bring her to the pool every time, but tell her she doesn't have to put her feet in or even get wet. Then just sit by the side of the pool with her and wait and talk and see what she does. I remember it took the whole class for me to jump off the diving board, and when I finally decided to, the whole room of parents stood up and cheered.

[ThreeofUs]

Give her time and hook her up with friends who are doing these types of things. She'll decide to do them on her own - or not.

If you are really worried, see a psychologist with a specialty in early childhood, or just talk to an early childhood specialist. They can give you very gentle strategies to help you support your DD as she makes her way into the world.

As pp's said, some kids are just introverted. Give her time, space, and support to join activities.

[bubbaray]

My DD#1 is definitely shy and introverted (like me) and it drives DH insane (he being the extrovert). Even though she'd been in parent/baby swim classes since she was 5m old, when she started her first set of "big girl" classes, it was a disaster on the first day. Ours were weekly and by the next week she was better. We seem to have the same issue with every new activity, but she gets better as she is more comfortable.

[lablover]

My DS is shy and can have problems in unfamiliar social situations. I joined a neighborhood playgroup when he was around 9 months old and week after week all the kids played while my DS wouldn't leave my side without screaming. (He was in an in-home daycare since 3 mo and was okay there - I think because he started so young.) He wouldn't play with the other kids at playgroup at all but I continued to go and last September (right before he turned 4 years old - after over 3 years!) something changed (I don't know what) and he was like a different kid all of the sudden. He freely played with everyone and continues to enjoy going now. Same thing with soccer last year - it was a near disaster with him not wanting to be around any of the kids and my DH was out on the field with him the entire time. The second season (in September, when he seemed to change overnight socially) it was better. This year, his third season, he loves it. I try to continue to expose him to new social situations whenever possible. He can still get scared when he goes into a new situation but I try to be there with him and gradually get him more comfortable. I would get frustrated at times over the years when he would make scenes at things like birthday parties, but I grew up shy also and I know how hard and scary it can be. Lots of times I wondered why I even bothered taking him to certain things, but now I do think that continuing to expose him to those situations helped him come out of his shell.

I would continue to go to swimming but just take baby steps - like another poster said, just sit with her and watch and maybe put her feet in, and hopefully she will grow more confident and willing to participate as time goes on.

[elephantmeg]

I am a moderate intervert and DS is too and its hard. It takes him a while to warm up to ANYTHING. I left him at the babysitters (his 3rd time with this new sitter) screaming "mommy be right back". Just wanted to send hugs.

[Sopamanda]

was the shy kid. One of the few very vivid memories from childhood was that swimming teacher picking me up off the diving board and dropping me in.

Now I do not swim.

DS is in the same boat. I think the previous advice is fantastic and am doing that with DS. I hope he finds a gentler world than I did at that time. :)

[wendmatt]

Thank you all for your advice. She has definately come on over the last year and was great at preschool as she knew everyone and the teacher. We did go back to swimming and she sat on the side with her feet in but still refused to go in, wierd coz this morning she said "I love being in the pool" and I laughed and said ,"what about swim class?" and she said, "well, I love being in the pool with you!"
So DH and I decided to keep taking her but if she just sits on the edge for 2 weeks watching, so be it. I don't want to totally push her but I do want to expose her to different situations and she was fine today, so maybe she'll go in on the last day and maybe she won't! I REALLY hope school is a bit better as she has to go there!

[KBecks]

I think you're doing well to let her set her own pace and comfort level. I know it must be frustrating to watch at times but that's better than making her feel uncomfortable and pressured.

[mamabelle]

I think you're doing well to let her set her own pace and comfort level. I know it must be frustrating to watch at times but that's better than making her feel uncomfortable and pressured.


ITA. Swimming expecially is not an activity that will work well if forced and you are giving her what she needs and teaching her not to give up just because something is new and scary.

[dcmom2b3]

I think you're doing well to let her set her own pace and comfort level. I know it must be frustrating to watch at times but that's better than making her feel uncomfortable and pressured.

:yeahthat:

And she'll learn that it's okay to listen to/set her own comfort level -- an invaluable emotional skill for her to have when she's older and you aren't necessarily around.

MH

[ShanaMama]

And she'll learn that it's okay to listen to/set her own comfort level -- an invaluable emotional skill for her to have when she's older and you aren't necessarily around.

MH

This is exactly my thought. You are giving her security & teaching her how to deal with her emotions. IMO those things are more valuable than whatever she'd learn in swimming class this year. Even if she goes into the water on the last day of the class, don't look at it as a writeoff. She just learned something that was completely not on the curriculum.