When did you/will you talk to your kids about gay marriage, etc

[cdlamis]

I am big on equality and embracing all kinds of lifetsyles so my 5 yr old daughter has always known about gay marriage and doesn't even bat an eye about it (exactly the reason why we've openly talked about it from an early age).

My boss at work is lesbian and my daughters have met her partner. They were the first gay couple the my DDs have personally known. I didn't make a big deal about explaining the situation- I just discussed it with DDs so that they understood who they were meeting and to also drive home the point that all couples are the same- regardless of gender. A few days later, DD apparently brought this up to her friend at school. That little girl's mother (also my friend) was taken by surprise when her DD came home and asked about two women being married. Obviously, she wasn't mad at me or my DD but sort of surprised that DD already knows about this. For a second, I felt bad that my DD created a discussion that this mom maybe wasn't ready to have. But at the same time, I don't want to censor our own discussions.

So, my question is when/did you have this discussion? Thoughts about our situation? It has been on my mind A LOT and I'd love to hear your opiniions.

Thanks!
Daniella

[JTsMom]

I plan to do the exact thing you described- talk about it openly, from the start, at an age approprate level. As far as the situation with the other girl- I don't really have a great answer for that. If you had said to your daughter, "Don't talk about this with the kids at school." you would have been sending a message that there's something wrong with being gay, so what else could you have done, kwim? And even if you did do that, where do you draw the line? Can you assume it's "safe" for her to talk about- I don't know- say an unmarried aunt having a baby? Divorce? A pet dying?

I'm interested to hear what the moms of older kids have to say about this.

[lisams]

Just a few weeks ago DD asked some questions about marriage. It went something like this:

DD "Mommy, can two girls get married?"
Me "Yes"
DD "Oh good, me and A (a girl friend from school) are going to get married. Can three people get married to each other?"
Me "No, marriage is between two grown up people."
DD "Oh, well, I wanted to marry D and Adam (her brother) when I grow up. Can you marry your brother?"
Me "Well, no, but you and your brother will always be very close to each other."

I tried to just keep my answers simple enough to answer her questions. It kind of threw me off a little, though! I figure she'll ask more questions when she's ready, she seems to have no troubles coming to me with her many questions, lol!

ETA I think that it's important that no matter what your beliefs are, that children know about their world in an age appropriate way. I have a friend who has told her 6 year old that she will marry a man who goes to college and has a good job. She does not believe in gay marriage and has made it very clear to her daughter. I just worry about what she is teaching her daughter about tolerance among other things.

[LarsMal]

I also plan on talking about it openly with my kids. A very close friend of mine is a lesbian, and she's actually getting married next weekend! The kids were invited, but we're not taking them- for no other reason than I don't want to take two small kids to a wedding, any wedding!

As DS grows up and becomes aware of their relationship we'll just talk about it openly. I fully support gay marriage and same-sex parenting, and I want my kids to be open and accepting of it, too. So, I plan on always talking about it as if it is a completely acceptable way of living.

[citymama]

We live in the Bay Area so it makes that issue so much easier - one in 5 kids we know has 2 parents of the same sex. I like that at this early age (she's 2!), my DD gets the idea that a kid "has two mamas." But even so, it's clear that she thinks of a family as being like us: a mama, a papa, and a kid (or maybe 2 kids). Once she asked where a friend's dad was - I think she assumes that Eva may have 2 mamas, but surely she has a dad somewhere too!

I think the more they get exposed to different kinds of families, the more commonplace it is for them - don't be embarassed if your child brings it up with someone else, but do help her understand that many families are different from your own. You may want to read them some of the Todd Parr books for kids as well - "My Family" or "My Daddy" are both sweet in terms of making it OK to have any kind of family (one mom, two moms, mom and dad).

This is an important topic - thanks for raising it!

[californiagirl]

DD was at a gay wedding (in Germany) last year, when she was three. So, in our case, I guess when the wedding invitation arrived, but we just treated it like any other wedding. It did raise her hopes that she would get to marry me one day, but I'm still her mother, so she's settling for her best friend (who is male).

[MelissaTC]

We have been talking about it all along so he is aware.

[Happy 2B mommy]

Our church has several gay/lesbian couples and a few of them have kids. So, she'll grow up not only the idea of gay marriage but also gay families.

What I'm more concerned about is addressing that some people believe it is a sin and can be pretty hateful about it.

[egoldber]

One of my roommates from college is lesbian and we attended her wedding last year. Sarah and another little girl at the wedding played "here come the brides" after the ceremony. It was really cute. :)

Whenever Sarah has asked me questions about "do only men and women get married" I've said something like "Well that's usually what happens, but sometimes two men decide to get married or two women". She's never asked for more than that.

[s7714]

When my DD(s) ask, we'll discuss it. We've lightly touched the subject once or twice when they've asked the "why does that kid have two mommies/two daddies?" type thing. They haven't point blank asked if two women or two men can get married, but I don't think it's even crossed their minds that there's a chance they couldn't.

We prefer to stress the concept that people don't have to be married in order to have a loving family anyway--however we know more non-married couples/singles with children than we do gay families so that's a bigger issue for us.

[JustMe]

I am single and our friends have all different types of family structures! My naive dd doesn't even know that many people think there is one/preferred way to do things. So, in answer to the question, my dd knows about gay marriage, heterosexual marriage, being single, living with friends, living with someone, etc. but she has no clue that there are people who have issues with any of these things. I am not looking forward to the day she will find out (which will probably be soon as she starts elemenary school in the Fall...she goes to an all day preschool, but it is also diverse in terms of family structure), and I wonder if I need to somehow prepare her for this, but I don't know how.

[trales]

In our circle it is normal to have two women, two men, single parents, etc. We just want her to think that all you need are adults that love you and nothing else matters. All family structures are normal and perfect as long as the children are loved.

ETA: I think she is going to be more curious about the number of parents we know who wear sari's, hijab's, yarmuckles or speak other languages as we do not. Since we have such diverse friends I hope she is blind to the differences and embraces them as the norm.

[KBecks]

I think we'll probably discuss it whenever we end up encountering a gay couple. I don't know any gay couples but it's possible we'll meet some at school or other activities. I plan not to make a big deal of it.

[mum1day]

I've been very open about this for many years with my daughter and now my son. I think I may have even said Bert and Ernie were married. She has never thought twice about it, which warms my heart. A great book that introduces this topic is one that is in my own personal library: And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson is a fabulous and heartwarming book. I recommend it for every child to give them a rich diverse and loving understanding.

[StantonHyde]

DS's daycare teacher has been with her partner for at least two years and she and I talk about her partner. DS and DD have met her partner but they just call her the teacher's friend. We live in a state that can be rabidly anti-gay so I don't really want DS to bring it up to other kids in class, so I just have not discussed it. When he gets to kindergarten, he may very well have children of homosexual couples in his class and when he asks I will answer. I just tend to wait until he brings things up. He is kind of oblivious :ROTFLMAO:

[bubbaray]

I think we'll probably discuss it whenever we end up encountering a gay couple. I don't know any gay couples but it's possible we'll meet some at school or other activities. I plan not to make a big deal of it.


:yeahthat:

[kijip]

My brother is FTM and gay and partnered with a gay man. Toby was in their wedding ceremony before he turned 3. So we never really talked about it or needed to...it was just one variation of family from him from the beginning. Now that they have a daughter, it's the same thing. He sort of took it at face value, based on his classmates and his own family that some people have a mommy OR a daddy, some have a mommy AND a daddy, some have 2 daddies and some have 2 mommies. Essentially I believe that you only need to talk about it specifically if you have taught you child to believe that one thing is the norm to begin with. Since we never did that, it was never an issue.

We got the book Tango for our niece and for Toby each for Christmas. It is a cute story about 2 male penguins in Central Park Zoo that paired off with each other and tried to nest and ended up being given in extra egg by the zookeeper.

Honestly the biggest discussion we had to have was prompted by Toby wanting to know why his uncle, a daddy, could give birth to a baby. I had not planned my response in advance but I think I hit a home run with the answer. It addressed his question and laid the matter to rest. I think the only reason he asked (this was a few weeks ago) is because before my brother had his baby, then approx. 3 year old Toby was shocked to be told that boys did not have babies. He was pretending that the fold under his belly was the scar from where his baby doll had been taken out, like my c-section scar and him, LOL.

[cdlamis]

I am single and our friends have all different types of family structures! My naive dd doesn't even know that many people think there is one/preferred way to do things. So, in answer to the question, my dd knows about gay marriage, heterosexual marriage, being single, living with friends, living with someone, etc. but she has no clue that there are people who have issues with any of these things. I am not looking forward to the day she will find out (which will probably be soon as she starts elemenary school in the Fall...she goes to an all day preschool, but it is also diverse in terms of family structure), and I wonder if I need to somehow prepare her for this, but I don't know how.

Great point about discussing all sorts of family groupings! I guess I have focused on gay marriages since this is the first real, non traditional situation we have experienced first hand- which my DD was curious about.