My Mom at the birth

[jessejo28]

Hi all, I don;t know where else to ask this so please give me your advice. My DH and I were originally having no one in the delivery with us. After some friends suggested it is nice to have support for DH and in case he needs to leave for a moment, etc. We decided on my Sis bc she has medical background and won;t drive me nuts. My Mom will drive me nuts and is already very intrusive about the baby. She is totally depressed bc I haven;t asked her. 1) how do I tell her why I don;t want her there? 2) Is it mean of me to have my Sis but not my Mom? We are hypnobirthing and need a calm relaxed environment. Thanks bunches....5 weeks to go!! can't wait to meet my son! Jessica

[Wife_and_mommy]

If she won't add to your birth experience and you don't want her there, that's plenty reason not to have her there. It's not mean, it's reality. You can kindly tell her you want a private birth and leave it at that.

My mom showed up uninvited to my first birth. DH had to ask her to leave..wasn't fun for him but was necessary. For our second birth, I didn't even tell *anyone* we were having the baby. Just called after the birth. I highly recommend that route.

[traciann]

I had my mom at my daughter's birth, and I do kinda regret it. Its a stressful situation, and I can say that there were several times she got on my nerves. I know she was excited and she means well, but I think for my next birth I want her to stay out. I personally would not have your sister there if you are not having your mom. I think it would be easier to say i just want it to be me and dh. I personally didn't feel the need to have someone in the room with me at all times, and some of the time I wouldn't have had any idea if he was there or not!

[DrSally]

You are free to have whomever you want or don't want in there. If your mom is already intrusive, I would not want that extra stress. You can just say you want to keep the number of people in the room down.

[DrSally]

If she won't add to your birth experience and you don't want her there, that's plenty reason not to have her there. It's not mean, it's reality. You can kindly tell her you want a private birth and leave it at that.

My mom showed up uninvited to my first birth. DH had to ask her to leave..wasn't fun for him but was necessary. For our second birth, I didn't even tell *anyone* we were having the baby. Just called after the birth. I highly recommend that route.

That sounds like a great idea except we were hoping to have family watch DS during the babies birth.

[MontrealMum]

If she won't add to your birth experience and you don't want her there, that's plenty reason not to have her there. It's not mean, it's reality. You can kindly tell her you want a private birth and leave it at that.

My mom showed up uninvited to my first birth. DH had to ask her to leave..wasn't fun for him but was necessary. For our second birth, I didn't even tell *anyone* we were having the baby. Just called after the birth. I highly recommend that route.

I have a very similar story and recommendation. My dad showed up uninvited, and wouldn't leave even when asked. He would leave only to go sit in the hall, not the visitor's lounge. The nursing staff didn't enforce their own rules, and let him come and go at will, right until I was pushing. It has been very difficult for the two of us (DH and me) to get over having shared what should have been an extremely private family moment. This is your moment, with your family: your DH, and your new baby. You don't have to have anyone there that you don't want there. Trust me, the difficulty of soothing your mom's hurt feelings afterwards will not compare to having to get over your resentment over what is, in reality, a huge intrusion into a very private and special moment. We are also seriously considering not telling anyone about any subsequent pregnancies - or at least their due dates!

[Wife_and_mommy]

That sounds like a great idea except we were hoping to have family watch DS during the babies birth.

That makes it tricky. I had a good friend keep DD for the birth. She was aware of the mom issues. She actually kept dd for 2 extra days(we were home 12 hrs. after the birth).

It was fun to call mom/sis/friends to come meet the new little one. They had no idea I'd had the baby so were super excited to go to the birth center.

Do you have a friend who'd keep your DS? If you can think of anyone who might be willing, ask them. It's a rare occurrence and I'm sure they wouldn't mind a bit. Your DS will have fun as will theirs. It's a win-win. :)

[DrSally]

That makes it tricky. I had a good friend keep DD for the birth. She was aware of the mom issues. She actually kept dd for 2 extra days(we were home 12 hrs. after the birth).

It was fun to call mom/sis/friends to come meet the new little one. They had no idea I'd had the baby so were super excited to go to the birth center.

Do you have a friend who'd keep your DS? If you can think of anyone who might be willing, ask them. It's a rare occurrence and I'm sure they wouldn't mind a bit. Your DS will have fun as will theirs. It's a win-win. :)

Unfortunately, no. We've moved around a lot and just recently moved here to be with family in the past few months. I actually think most would respect my wishes, esp. if I said that I would call and let them know when to come, except a few more distant relatives that have a habit of "showing up" unannounced at these type of things. I plan on rooming in full time and Bfing, as opposed to my sister's births where both were in the NICU for quite awhile. Thus, I would be worried about random relatives walking in when I was trying to get a precious hour of sleep or in the process of nursing. I didn't have this prob when I gave birth out of state. Don't mean to highjack, but this got me thinking about my own situation. Montrealmom, I'm sorry you had to go through that!

[gatorsmom]

I've heard that it is often a good idea for the mothers not to be in the same room with their daughter when she is giving birth because it's difficult and stressful to see your daughter going through something so difficult. It's better to get an objective person to help.

Could you tell her that?

[steven888]

I feel a little differently about this situation. Sure, if your mother is ruthlessly annoying and belligerently causing stress and anxiety on the mother-to-be, then by all means, don't let her in the hospital room.
But personally, my wife and I would love for our immediate family members to want to come to the hospital to share in the special day. I don't believe too many mothers WANT to create more stress. I just believe that they just want to be there. As a compromise, set some ground rules before any family member can come to the hospital. The focus should be the comfort and destress of the expectant mother. If a family member forgets the goal, then you can ask them to leave the room, wait in the lobby ot just go home. As the husband, I wouldn't be opposed to enforcing any of the rules set, so long as everyone understood the consequences of stressing out my wife.
Ultimately, once the little bundle of joy is born, you will, on more than one occasion need to rely on those very family members that you may risk alienating by denying them a moment of joy. After all, think of all the things that your mother has done for you without once asking for anything in return. Can you imagine how you would feel when your little one finally has their own baby and doesn't allow you into the hospital to share in the moment. Just something to think about.

Of course, I'm not the pregnant one. I don't pretend to know how my wife will feel during that magical moment. If she told me to make sure so and so doesn't come to the hospital, I guess I will have to listen to the boss. :bowdown:

[kellij]

You obviously need to do what is best for you, but I think I would be crushed if my daughter didn't want me at the birth of her child. I definitely wanted my mom there. We're ridiculously close and so I guess I can't imagine having a different type of relationship with my daughter. Now, having my mother-in-law there, that's a different story! :)

My family was around when I was in labor with DS and then I had a c/s so they waited outside. For DD (2nd child) it occurred to me that maybe my mom could go in (I didn't even think of it as an option for a c/s). She and my DH were there. I loved it because she could focus on the picture taking and DH was able to exclusively focus on taking care of me. That being said, my mom said if we have another, she'd actually prefer not to be there! :) She thought it was way too stressful to see me like that.

[kedss]

I am fortunate in that my mother is a doctor, and she was present at DS's birth. We hadn't made any decisions beforehand about whether to have anyone else with us, but we called her as we were on our way to the hospital, and she was a huge help, did not add any stress at all.

This time, she is watching DS for us, so we will have to do it on our own. ;)

But, every family is different, and mothers to be should be able to decide who they want/need at their delivery, giving birth is stressful enough without feeling stressed out about who wants to be there.

[Gena]

We also wanted our delivery to be private, well as "private" as it can be in a hospital. What we opted to do was allow our parents (actually, my parents and MIL) to come into the room while I was in labor up until the pushing. This let Hubby take a break to get something to eat, freshen up, etc. My labor was 17 hours so he ended up needing a couple of breaks. We told everyone that once the pushing started, nobody but us and the medical staff would be in the room. Everyone respected this. My parents really had no desire to see me in such pain and were happy to stay in the waiting room. On the other hand, MIL was pretty vocal about wanting to be in the room for the delivery, but grudingly stayed in waiting room.

After the baby was cleaned up and had been examined by the medical team and I was made presentable, Hubby invited the grandparents in to come in and see DS.

This worked really well for us. Of course, it's four years later and MIL is still complaining about the fact that she was not in the room for the birth. I keep telling her she needs to get over it.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Steven and Kellij,

I agree with the sentiment. Personally, though, I am *very* modest. I'd have given birth w/ no one but DH if I'd thought it was safe. I had/have no desire for anyone who isn't necessary to be there as I experience labor half-naked and eventually push a baby out.

I love to attend births but would *never* impose my presence on someone who didn't wholeheartedly want it. I didn't want my Bradley instructor/doula at my ds's birth but she was essential as labor support so I laid aside my modesty. My midwife was more than willing not to call her assistant in when I asked to please wait as long as possible. It meant a great deal to me that she didn't show up until she was absolutely necessary.

I respect anyone wanting their entire family at their birth. I couldn't feel comfortable doing that. At my birth, it's all about *my* comfort. I know I'm not typical in this regard but they're my feelings.

[KrisM]

Steven and Kellij,

I agree with the sentiment. Personally, though, I am *very* modest. I'd have given birth w/ no one but DH if I'd thought it was safe. I had/have no desire for anyone who isn't necessary to be there as I experience labor half-naked and eventually push a baby out.

I love to attend births but would *never* impose my presence on someone who didn't wholeheartedly want it. I didn't want my Bradley instructor/doula at my ds's birth but she was essential as labor support so I laid aside my modesty. My midwife was more than willing not to call her assistant in when I asked to please wait as long as possible. It meant a great deal to me that she didn't show up until she was absolutely necessary.

I respect anyone wanting their entire family at their birth. I couldn't feel comfortable doing that. At my birth, it's all about *my* comfort. I know I'm not typical in this regard but they're my feelings.

Totally agree with this. I had a doula with DD and it was very odd to me to have her there. I can't imagine having my mom or other family member in the room with me while half-naked. I wouldn't relax at all.

OP - could you hire a doula and not have your sister there either? Maybe your mom would feel better if it was a hired professional instead of another family member.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Unfortunately, no. We've moved around a lot and just recently moved here to be with family in the past few months. I actually think most would respect my wishes, esp. if I said that I would call and let them know when to come, except a few more distant relatives that have a habit of "showing up" unannounced at these type of things. I plan on rooming in full time and Bfing, as opposed to my sister's births where both were in the NICU for quite awhile. Thus, I would be worried about random relatives walking in when I was trying to get a precious hour of sleep or in the process of nursing. I didn't have this prob when I gave birth out of state. Don't mean to highjack, but this got me thinking about my own situation. Montrealmom, I'm sorry you had to go through that!

Do they ever babysit your ds? You could talk with them. Tell them your feelings and have them agree to just say they're watching DS while you rest or something.

I didn't share *where* I was birthing so they wouldn't show up in addition so if you haven't shared that, it might help.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It makes birth planning much more stressful. Your family should be respecting your wishes. I know older generations can do things that make us uncomfortable even if they mean well. My mom actually said to me that she had a *right* to be at my birth. I love you, you're my mom but umm, no.:dizzy:

[hillview]

I think you have to do what you want to do here. I wanted it to be just me and DH. That worked well for us. When I got closer mom and dad went to visitor's lounge to wait and once we had DS they were invited into the room. I asked them to come back for a short visit during "labor" not pushing and they stayed for about 10 mins. I just told my mom it was something DH and I wanted to do together and she was ok with it. My sister wanted her in the room which was also fine with her.

HUGS and good luck!
/hillary

[LarsMal]

My mom hung around during labor, but when it was time for delivery I asked her to leave. DH and I had agreed that since his mom couldn't be there (out of state) my mom couldn't be there, either. Plus, it was about *us* and our new family, not my mom. Just as I was getting ready to start pushing she tried to nudge her way in, even telling the L&D nurse what to do. I could see the expression on DH's face and just had to step up and do what was right for us and made her leave. It was hard, especially since I wasn't in the mood or position to deal with hurt feelings, but it was what it was.

She got to come back as soon as DS was cleaned up and everything was fine. She might be a little hurt, but you need to do what's best for you and your birth experience. Just explain the situation to her and hopefully she'll understand. Tell her you'd love her to be around, just not physically present for the birth.

Hope she understands!

[cvanbrunt]

My DH and I were originally having no one in the delivery with us. After some friends suggested it is nice to have support for DH and in case he needs to leave for a moment, etc.

Do you have some reason to believe that your husband is going to need tremendous amounts of support? It seems like you are just creating stress for yourself by inviting or not inviting extra people to the event. My husband did just fine by himself. There's a bathroom in the labor room and we packed a box of granola bars for him.

[Ceepa]

Your mom will get over it.

When I unexpectedly went into labor with DS we didn't tell anyone until DS had arrived safely. It was such a stressful experience and I didn't want the added pressure for me or DH, and we always viewed the birth of our children as a very private moment.

Like pp said, your mother will have an easier time soothing her bruised ego while holding her grandchild later on then you might have getting over compromising your expectations for the birth of your baby.

[Twoboos]

Sorry this is so stressful! Everyone was banned from my 2 dds births. In my opinion, it's not a parade for everyone to line up and watch. :)

Could you blame the hospital/doctors? "Sorry mom but they say only DH and one other person, and they are really strict about it." Get the drs/nurses to give her that line too, if needed.

[kate909]

Have you talked in depth with your mom about the Hypnobirthing? Does she understand what it entails? I ended up have a c-section, so it didn't matter, but I was stressed out about telling both my mom and MIL that I didn't want them in the room for weeks before the birth. But, once they understood about Hypnobirthing and that DH and I wanted time to bond with the baby for a few hours after the birth, they were ok with it, they just asked that they were allowed to come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room. I was shocked to say the least at how cooperative they were, but they really understood the way we wanted to do things after I showed them my Hypbobirthing book. Maybe that would help?
Since I didn't get to actually have a hypnobirthing experience, I'd love to hear about yours after your delivery. Good luck!

[brittone2]

Personally, I'd probably skip having your sister and assume DH can handle himself, or look for a doula that is experienced w/ clients using Hypnobirthing. You could also have your sister wait in the waiting room sort of "on call" *in case* DH needs her, which may not be necessary.

With DS, we had a doula and we didn't need her for 95% of my labor (Hypnobirthing). She was great during transition though and I was glad to have her there. That birth was a hospital birth w/ a midwife. My labor was relatively short for a first time mom (6ish hours), and my parents pet sat, etc. until we called them w/ the news that DS had arrived. They showed up a few hours later. We had other guests the following day.

With DD, we were at a freestanding birth center. I used Hypnobirthing and Hypnobabies together. My parents came along to the birth center to be with DS (he was almost 3 and we weren't sure about him being in the room, etc. but he wasn't ready to spend the night w/ anyone yet at that point. I went into labor late in the evening and DD was delivered after midnight). I hung out w/ them a bit during labor (I showed up to the birth center 10 cm dilated so it wasn't that long). I didn't have my mom in the room with me when I actually gave birth, but they were in within a few minutes (at my invitation) which was nice.

I've had two very easy Hypnobirthing/Hypnobabies births. I'm not sure if we'll have a third baby, and there are no guarantees that that birth will be super easy like the first two. However, I'd consider having my mom in the room with me if there is a #3. I know it would mean the world to her. I would definitely have to explain my need for her to be kind of quiet though so I could focus on my hypnosis techniques. I think she could handle it.

I like having the intimacy of just DH and I, but now that I've done it twice and know how i've labored with both births, I think I'd be open to my mom being present. That's certainly not for everyone though.

Best of luck in your decision! Hypnobirthing worked beautifully for me with labor both times :) I hope you have a wonderful experience with it.

[MontrealMum]

To the OP, if you can get a doula at this point I would do that. You shouldn't have to have someone at your birthing if you don't want to. This is your time, your family. It is not about anyone else. If you think having a professional instead of your sister will soften the blow, I think it's a really good idea.

And you don't owe your parents for having raised you. You are not having this child, or any children, as some sort of guilted payback. Parents raise children out of love, they should not expect anything in return. If some parents did not parent out of love, their children still don't owe them a "seat" at an extremely private event. This is not a show, it's a private, intimate moment. If you, in fact, do want: parents, siblings, friends, whatever there - then, great - I think it's wonderful that some people feel that way. But the OP, and some other respondants, don't. It's all about the comfort level of the mother, not the partner. I wasn't personally so worried about the modesty aspect, though I certainly can empathize. Childbirth is an extremely vulnerable process. It requires trust, and faith. You need to make the situation such that you, the one giving birth, are comfortable.

It's also not something that someone who hasn't been through can possibly understand or relate to. Steven, I'm not telling you what to think, but I think you may find that your wife does not - or will not once she's given birth! - entirely agree with your sentiments. Maybe she will, it's hard to predict, but I think you may be surprised by the different experiences of men and women, and different opinions, feelings, reactions, which surround the birthing process. Just a little warning ;) , though, that the woman you know today, may not behave in quite the same manner, or espouse the same things once she's in the labor process. ;)

I think the situation is muddied, certainly by the problem of telling a parent you don't want them there, when they'd like to be, yet you still would like them to babysit your other DC. Things shouldn't be tit for tat, but they often are. And it is difficult to ask for, what is often a special favor, when you aren't offering the desired "favor" in return. I feel for you DrSally, because it's hard in a city with very little support system. I think if it was something I felt strongly about though, I'd ask whomever it was not to come, and try to find other sitting arrangements.

My DH and I certainly didn't think we'd ever be in the sitaution we found ourselves in. My father lives 1200 miles away, in another country, and simply showed up, after we had discussed what we, and he, wanted. He had agreed to wait for a call, or come at a later time (I was induced, so we were able to plan a bit). He simply ignored all this, and what he himself had agreed to, and showed up. We then asked that he wait at his hotel until we called him from the hospital, and he just walked up the hill and appeared in my hospital room. His being shown to the correct room was a huge breach of the rigid privacy laws here in Quebec, and we were completely unprepared for something like that. We too had been told that staff would enforce our wishes, that visitors had to check in, and that the one-person-in-the-room thing was a rule (or an effective way to limit visitors!) We never thought we would be dealing with such unreasonableness, or unpredictability since my dad has never acted that way.

I am actually quite regretful that I didn't have it out with my dad early on, on the day that I gave birth. If that made him mad, I really wouldn't have cared. I do love him and care about him, but I am an adult and have my own life, and family to take care of and watch out for. Many parents would respect that. I don't believe in love with strings attached and I don't do things out of guilt. This was truly part of the growing-up process, this realization, and now that I am setting boundaries in my relationships I am much happier. Ironically, we had no problems whatsoever with the 3 other parents (my mom, and the ILs) who are all quite meddlesome by nature. They were quite accepting and supportive of all our wishes surrounding DS' birth.

I don't want to make this about me, I just share this as an example. You never know how people are going to behave with respect to the birthing experience. Reasonable people become quite unreasonable. They can be demanding and forget to listen. Women may say they want one thing prior to the birth, and realize as they are going through it that they want something completely different. It is difficult to plan out your entire birth experience, so it's important to be quite open, communicate with your partner and medical practitioner, and above all else - speak up for yourself.

[SnuggleBuggles]

:yeahthat: ITA with Molly. I was just coming to write my reply to this thread but Molly pretty much said everything I was about to say.

Luckily no one in our families expected to come to the births so I didn't have to deal with this. I don't know where people even got the idea that they have any right to attend your birth.

I was really happy we hired a doula with birth #1 but in hindsight I know dh would have done great whether she was there or not. He tells me he would have, at any rate. :) Birth #2 I didn't really need anyone b/c I was very introspective. I would have hated having an audience. As it was I felt like a watched pot waiting to boil by my Dh and the times our CNM and nurse were in the room. I felt like I should be hosting them and since I got to the point that I didn't want to chat it was just annoying.

If you have people there then make sure you have a signal worked out to tell them to leave.

Beth

[maestramommy]

My mom and I are pretty close, but it never occured to me to ask her to be at the birth, and I think she would've been surprised if I had. For a while I toyed with hiring a doula, but in the end, I felt that I was fine with whatever happened as long as Dh was there. When it came down to it, all the support I wanted, I knew he could give me. My parents I asked to stay with Dora because she knew them well. As it turned out I went into labor in the middle of the night, so Dh's cousin pinch hit until my parents could get to our place. Knowing Dora was cared for by people I trusted freed me to concentrate on birthing Arwyn.

[niccig]

I didn't really think about it. My parents were already in town as DS was past my due date. They were in the room during labour, and I was fine with that. But then when I started pushing, my mum came back into the room and I was annoyed at first. But she helped DH to support me, and it was easier to push. She left the room before DS crowned, saying it was a time for just me and DH. I was surprised she left as my mother is bossy and overbearing. As soon as she heard the first cry, she was back in the room. By then, I didn't care and she stayed with me while DH was with DS.

I would really think about what YOU want and then do that. My situation turned out OK, and I don't resent my mother for being there, but it could easily have gone the other way. So work out how you want it to be and stick with that. Maybe just have you and DH there, and tell your mother and sister, that you will call if they are needed, but you want to be alone with DH. And have DH be the enforcer if anyone oversteps while you're in labour. Or you can do, but you may not use the most polite words to do so. At least, I know I wouldn't have been polite :innocent:

[Piglet]

YEah, I never even considered having anyone present other than DH (and even he was only allowed to stay if he didn't annoy me - fortunately he didn't). I am a private person on a good day, but I am insanely provate when I am remotely uncomfortable. Even when I am sick, I just want to be left alone. I appreciate any help that I receive when I am uncomfortable, but I don't have the energy to talk to people, maintain decorum, etc. Couple that feeling with the modesty issue (let's just say that I pushed DD while on all fours, with the hospital gown flapping in the breeze...) and you have a horrible recipe for labour disaster. Have faith in your DH and yourself. You do not need another person in the labour room unless they are integral to your success. Do not have a person just because they would be offended by not being there (and what kind of mom cares more about herself than about her daughter anyway?). I would also suggest a doula if you insist on having someone there. You eliminate the explanation that this family member passes muster but another doesn't and you get a professional helping you and DH.

[DeeEast]

For what its worth, I had both my mother and sister at the birth of DD and would have had them again for the twins except that they came too fast. This particular sister has been a nurse for over 30 years and she was an OB nurse for a long time, so she was kind of my "doula". My mother had never been present for the birth of any of her grandchildren and she was thrilled to tears to be there and still talks about it. But on the other hand, I knew that she wouldn't make me nervous or anything. She had 7 children of her own with no pain meds, so she knew the drill and just sat back and stayed out of the way.

[jessejo28]

Thanks for your story and input. I love my Mom but she is manipulating at times and I worry about just this thing happening. I am stickin to my plan though and not having her there after reading all these replies. I want it to be a special event for me and DH. Jess