long term affect of using a live in nannie

[shayne88]

Hello all , didnt know where to post this as the forums seem to be more for sundry type items..
first let me say I am a dad with a 2 year old boy and my question is about nannies.
I have been using live in nannies since my son was born but i am beginning to wonder if it will have any type of distancing affect on me and my son ie. deeper attachment to his Nannie.
In addition I would like to ask about discipline, I dont like it when my nannie chastises my son i feel it is up to blood family members, as far as i am concerned her job is to take him to school change his nappies and cook nutritious meals but she has a strong will and i think she isnt totally honest.
please i would appreciate any and all comments

Cheers
Shayne

[lorinick]

[QUOTE=shayne88]Hello all , didnt know where to post this as the forums seem to be more for sundry type items..
first let me say I am a dad with a 2 year old boy and my question is about nannies.
I have been using live in nannies since my son was born but i am beginning to wonder if it will have any type of distancing affect on me and my son ie. deeper attachment to his Nannie.
In addition I would like to ask about discipline, I dont like it when my nannie chastises my son i feel it is up to blood family members, as far as i am concerned her job is to take him to school change his nappies and cook nutritious meals but she has a strong will and i think she isnt totally honest.
please i would appreciate any and all comments

Cheers
Shayne[/QUOT E]
I don't think you should have a nanny it she can't verberally discipline the child. A nanny is not a maid just to change diapers and cook. I would never have a live in nanny. The child would surley be more attached to her. She there day and night.

[shayne88]

sorry i wasn't clear i didn't mean verbally i mean physically , if my son smacks another child the school often calls me to tell me about incidents recently,.
and yes as far as i am concerned she is basically a maid my sons maid but a maid none the less.

[Neatfreak]

I wanted to make sure that I understand this particular bit: Do you not like the way that your nanny disciplines your child, or do you not her disciplining at all?

I am not sure that it is appropriate not to have a caregiver enforce boundaries and standards. Wouldn't you be worried that your child will learn that certain undesirable behaviours are permitted when his nanny is in charge because her hands are tied?

[brittone2]

sorry i wasn't clear i didn't mean verbally i mean physically , if my son smacks another child the school often calls me to tell me about incidents recently,.
and yes as far as i am concerned she is basically a maid my sons maid but a maid none the less.


Hmmm...well that says a lot. This is the person you entrust your child's development and care to on a daily basis, but she's nothing more than a maid?
If I were to hire a nanny, an understanding of child development, an agreement about how to handle discipline, etc. would be at the forefront of my discussions with her. I wouldn't hire someone to spend extensive periods of time with my child that didn't have an excellent grasp on child development and how to stimulate, teach, and discipline my child (in a way that I agreed with).

ETA: So does your nanny spank? I certainly would not be comfortable with that in my own home, in any way, shape or form. If she doesn't know or practice alternatives to physically disciplining a child, I'd question how much child development, etc. she really understands. JMHO.

[lorinick]

I wanted to make sure that I understand this particular bit: Do you not like the way that your nanny disciplines your child, or do you not her disciplining at all?

I am not sure that it is appropriate not to have a caregiver enforce boundaries and standards. Wouldn't you be worried that your child will learn that certain undesirable behaviours are permitted when his nanny is in charge because her hands are tied?

I agree totally. And I think you should just get a maid. Nannies are not maids. Do you feel stay at home mom's are maids too? So your nanny just does the stuff you don't want to do? I don't think you know what a nanny does. I hope with the way you treat her that she doesn't treat your child that way. You should think about that.

[firstbaby]

Well, we have a nanny that lives with us, and she is responsible for the kids while we are working. It is 8 to 9 hours a day, and she is totally "in charge" of their well being and caring for them while we work. While the kids aren't more attached to her than us, they know they can trust her, she loves them and will take care of them. We also love her and trust her and treat her as a member of our family. I *personally* can't imagine thinking of her as a maid as she is primarily responsible for caring for our children and not objects and tasks around the house. In fact, I would prefer she not do any extras if it takes away from the children's needs. For example, if she is unloading the dishes while they eat lunch and she has already eaten, great. If she is trying to get the dishwasher unloaded and the boys need her, they are her priority. I also agree with a PP that said the nanny needs to be able to address any behaviour issues or your child will not see her as someone to be listened to and respected.

In my humble opinion, this nanny may not be the best option for you or your expectations of child care. If you feel that your nanny disciplines your child in a way that you are uncomfortable with, you should address that with her and agree on what the discipline approach is for anyone taking care of your child for consistency. However, if you are looking for someone to make meals for your child, make sure they are entertained but your child shouldn't be "too" attached to and can't address behaviour issues, you may be setting yourself up for bigger issues down the road. JMHO.

[brittone2]

I am not sure that it is appropriate not to have a caregiver enforce boundaries and standards.

I would not hire a nanny that spanks, etc. However, it is unrealistic to expect her to not enforce boundaries and discipline in any way at all.

[Tracey]

Yes, your child will bond with the live in nannie. It would be very concerning if he did not. If you change these nannies on him too much, he could wind up with some abandonment issues. She should be disciplining the child in the way that you want her to and you need to have a discussion with her. I'd get rid of her if you think she his hitting your son.

[kijip]

Honestly, this sounds to me like a rotten job. Being a nanny is harder than being a maid (or cleaning service). Much harder. It is harder still when the parents are not clear about their expectations on discipline with you. If you don't want her to enforce any rules and boundaries, you are possibly setting up a situation where the child learns to walk all over a hired helper. A pretty obnoxious thing to learn.

Yes a child will attach to any caregiver be it a parent or a surrogate like a nanny, sitter, daycare teacher, grandparent who is providing care daily. That is precisely WHY a nanny is in fact more than a maid...because they will be role models for your child and in many ways a big part of their early learning experiences.

You are the employer. If you are dissatisfied with your employee you need to tell her, specifically, what needs to change for you to continue to employ her. If there is a big violation of trust and you can't feel like she is honest etc you need to let her go. Typically, you would give notice or severance pay in lieu of notice.

[lorinick]

Honestly, this sounds to me like a rotten job. Being a nanny is harder than being a maid (or cleaning service). Much harder. It is harder still when the parents are not clear about their expectations on discipline with you. If you don't want her to enforce any rules and boundaries, you are possibly setting up a situation where the child learns to walk all over a hired helper. A pretty obnoxious thing to learn.

Yes a child will attach to any caregiver be it a parent or a surrogate like a nanny, sitter, daycare teacher, grandparent who is providing care daily. That is precisely WHY a nanny is in fact more than a maid...because they will be role models for your child and in many ways a big part of their early learning experiences.

You are the employer. If you are dissatisfied with your employee you need to tell her, specifically, what needs to change for you to continue to employ her. If there is a big violation of trust and you can't feel like she is honest etc you need to let her go. Typically, you would give notice or severance pay in lieu of notice.

I agree with you. A nanny is more than a maid. He treats the nanny like hired help. So the child will follow his lead. If she is the nanny there all day she should be treated like a family memember. I know nothing about this nanny. Seems as if he would treat any nanny the same. A nanny live in or not should be trusted and able to enforce family boundaries. You are entrusting the nanny with your most precious gift your chid. If you can't trust the nanny look for someone you can trust who can enforce family rules and you and your family can treat like a member of your family.

[shayne88]

yes well thank you all for your advise and comments all are appreciated i am new at this so i really am not to sure what the proper path is in order to ensure my son has a good and healthy upbringing.

[fortato]

I am so insanely offended by what you are saying...

I was a nanny for years before having Jack- and I would never tolerate being called a maid. If the family wanted a maid then they would have hired one.
A nanny is someone who cares for your child when you are unable to. CARE being the operative word.

If you have a problem with her discipline method then you need to sit down with her and draw out a plan of her responsibilities and what you expect of her.

And then I bet you're going to have to look for a new nanny/maid.

Ugh.

[daniele_ut]

Edited. . ..

[mamabelle]

I grew up with a live in nanny. She was like family to me and treated us like family. We understood that her rules and discipline wore non negotiable and we respected her. My parents always treated her well and like family. When I started school she did some housekeeping but otherwise she was there just for us. Both of my parents worked funny hours, dad was an on call doc and mom was a nurse with some later shifts. This worked very well for my family. My parents were respectful of bounderies and her private time and the same went for her. Other than meals, which we all ate together, she was rarely around when my parents were home. I loved her dearly and stayed in close touch with her until she died a few years ago, my dd even called her auntie, but I do not feel she ever came between my parents and I.

I think you have a few issues. You do not seem to have clear bounderies or expectations for her. You need to understand that she plays a role in your child's life (even if she lives out) and if you do not treat her with respect neither will your child. You need to make sure that she is not always around so there is some seperation and time for you to bond with your child. You also need a nanny who has a similiar attitude and approach to discipline as you do. Remember, you are not going to handle everything exactly the same way and cannot expect her to know exactly what you would do, my dh and I handle things differently but it is clear to the kids that we use the same approach and philosophy. You also need to expect and hope that your child will form a strong connection with a nanny. I do not expect my dc's sitter to love them as I do but I know she cares for them and they adore her.

Wether live in or out you need to find a caregiver who will fit well with your family and also adjust your attitude and expectations.

[DrSally]

If it were me, I would want my nanny to be like a trusted member of the family. Of course they are also an employee, so this can be blurry, but I think most successful nanny situations come from when the parents trust the nanny and the children are attached to the nanny. You will always be the mommy, but one great benefit of having a longer term nanny is that your child can attach to one caregiver rather than a series of people who come and go. Research tends to show that the former is better for a child's emotional development. I would really want the nanny and I to be on the same page as far as child rearing philosophy and discipline. She is acting as a proxy for you and your husband for many hours a day. I would not at all consider a nanny to be just a maid, let alone the kid's maid. She's doing so much more than that.

[AngelaS]

I was a nanny for one family for 7 years. I cared for the kids primarily and loved them dearly. Discipline was always the hard thing. When the parents were around but not paying attention to the kids, I would discipline, but they'd run to mom or dad who'd let them get away with things. Aaargh! That's SO insanely frustrating and I don't think the parents ever realized that. We had the same goals--raise respectful kids, but the means of getting there weren't always the same.

The kids were very attached to me. I was there for 10 to 12 hours a day. You want your child to be attached to the person that cares for them. It provides them with a solid foundation and a secure base to grow from. they NEED someone like that in their lives instead of constantly changing caregivers.

[fortato]

Edited....

[shayne88]

A troll !! now that is droll !!
oh feriae tunc sententia!!

[dcmom2b3]

Do you address your "nannie" in Latin? B/c that could be a problem. I've never met a female goat that's familiar with classical languages.


Dux femina facti.

[fortato]

a year of latin just to do medical translations didn't really help but...

Puteus Orator , meus amicus.

[christiedavid3]

Oh wow. I cannot imagine calling my kid's nanny their maid.

I was a nanny for many years and I treated the children as my own. The family and I had a very good relationship, I was a part of their family. I loved, fed, cleaned and disciplined the children. I was not responsible for cleaning the house. The children were VERY attached to me and we still (10 years later) have a close relationship. If you want a maid, get a maid, but don't expect that person to care for your child. Kids need consistency, love, nurturing, DISCIPLINE, and many other things to grow up to be responsible, caring adults. They do NOT need maids. A good nanny, who is allowed to have a brain and a mouth, can do wonders for a child's development.

For your son's sake, you need to really rethink your priorities.

[Melaine]

I didn't have a chance to read all of the comments, so I'm not sure if this has been addressed, but you said that you weren't sure she was completely honest.
WOW! That's a big red light! I was a nanny for quite some time and pretty much treated as a maid, but my employees could certainly trust me. You should be able to trust her, and if not I think you should just hire a maid.

[hillview]

Hi and welcome! Here are some thoughts:

i am beginning to wonder if it will have any type of distancing affect on me and my son ie. deeper attachment to his Nannie.

I think your son will always know you are his father. Of course he is developing a strong relationship with his primary care giver. I think this is typically very healty and great for your son.


In addition I would like to ask about discipline, I dont like it when my nannie chastises my son i feel it is up to blood family members, as far as i am concerned her job is to take him to school change his nappies and cook nutritious meals but she has a strong will and i think she isnt totally honest.

I think you have to be ok with your nanny disciplining your son. Your nanny should be doing this in a manner you are comfortable with and in agreement with. If you nanny is unable to do this than you have a nanny issue. It is unreasonable to have a caregiver who is with your son much of the time who cannot discipline him. Having said that your comment that she has a strong will is perhaps a concern if this means she is not able to do the critical things in the way you have asked (e.g. discipline, diet, activities, and safety). If you think she isn't honest this would normally be a deal breaker for any employeer and I'd suggest you interview some other nannies. That said you may want to rethink your expectations and what kind of caregiver you would like for your son. Perhaps you would perfer to find a way not to have a nanny and have family care for him.

Good luck!
/hillary

[shayne88]

Hillary
thank you for your comments at least they were not brutal but helpful.

oh and something i did not state is the fact that she is not a real "Nannie"
i really wish i could find one who has those qualifications but its almost impossible unless i were to import one.
in addition she has her own issues such as her daughter is participating in this years Olympics and wants here mother close and her boyfriend wants her to open a restaurant.
yet try as i might i dont find myself really caring about that as far as i am concerned she signed on to do a job which i made clear would not be the easiest as i am quite demanding of everybody who works for me.
In anycase all i really do appreciate all of your comments!

[boolady]

Hillary
thank you for your comments at least they were not brutal but helpful.

oh and something i did not state is the fact that she is not a real "Nannie"
i really wish i could find one who has those qualifications but its almost impossible unless i were to import one.
in addition she has her own issues such as her daughter is participating in this years Olympics and wants here mother close and her boyfriend wants her to open a restaurant.
yet try as i might i dont find myself really caring about that as far as i am concerned she signed on to do a job which i made clear would not be the easiest as i am quite demanding of everybody who works for me.
In anycase all i really do appreciate all of your comments!

So, essentially, you're saying that you hired someone who is not really qualified or right for the job and you want to know what impact that will have? I think regardless of the context, the fact that you hired them despite knowing this speaks for itself. That said, and I've kept away from this thread until now, I cannot believe that you would hired someone to care for your child on a full-time basis who you think is neither qualified nor particularly dedicated to the job. Of course that's going to have an impact.

I don't understand why you can't find a good nanny unless you import one. There are mothers on this board who have been nannies, teachers, babysitters, whatever term you prefer. There are also countless mothers on this board who have used nannies, teachers, babysitters, in-home childcare, out-of-the-home childcare, you name it, without having to "import" someone. They have all been or been able to find persons to care for their children's physical and emotional needs and do so with both affection and the appropriate level of discipline for the situation.

I agree. You should have high expectations of someone who works for you, particularly if they're dealing with your child; however, you made the decision to hire someone who isn't right for the job. You're talking about someone who is caring full-time for your infant. That is unthinkable to me.

A maid is not a nanny, nor should she be expected to fill the role of one, or vice versa.

[KBecks]

Shayne88, if you don't mind, what country are you in? I think a lot of this may be cultural differences, but I'm not sure.

I agree that if your nanny is not qualified to care for your child, then you've made a choice that is not right for your family. I think you need to think about what your son is worth, and use whatever resources you have available to give him what he needs. A child care provider is a very important role, and so yes, you should put quite a bit of energy and resources into finding the best caregiver for your family.

I also think you'll need to examine whether being demanding as an employer works for you. A parent-caregiver relationship works best as a partnership with trust and good communication and good treatment both ways.

Best wishes.

[boolady]

I also think you'll need to examine whether being demanding as an employer works for you. A parent-caregiver relationship works best as a partnership with trust and good communication and good treatment both ways.

This is a good point...if by demanding, you mean you have high expectations for their performance, I agree. If by demanding, you mean a traditional boss/employee relationship, then I think you may need to rethink that as Karen suggests, because this is not the business world. The roles will be different because the job requirement is very different.

[MamaMolly]

Hillary i really wish i could find one who has those qualifications but its almost impossible unless i were to import one.

I'm glad you found these boards! I think you will get a lot of perspective from the opinions expressed by the members because even if you don't agree with them, it is food for thought.

If you google your town and nannies or nanny finder you should have no trouble finding agencies who have many, many qualified nannies in your area. Going with an agency will help both you and your employee define the parameters of the job before any hiring is done. You will be satisfied that you have hired a qualified nanny, and your nanny will have a clear understanding of what is and is not expected of her.

And on a personal note: I hope you pay really, really, REALLY well.

[shayne88]

Yes the opinions here are very insightful and thank you all very much , really!!

As to where I am , China, so Nanny boards and the like are rather unavailable
here we and by we I mean most ex-pats tend to either have referrals or go to a domestic service provider to interview someone.
something most of you cannot understand is most lie and its nearly impossible to check ones references as the very nature of an ex-pat community means transience to the 2nd power.
In any case you have to rely on intuition and realize that often no matter what ones position in ones household may be the chances are very good they may only stay one year to six months.
In addition you are as one person stated dealing with cultural differences. wont bore you and don't want hate mail from (I am sure many of you have been here) American moms .

So I have sat my Nannie < Ayi down and had a heart to heart with her so I will give her untill the end of the month to see if there is any improvement, if not I will take my son on a vacation to thailand and let A dear friend and mother of two can sort out for me.

Again sincerest thanks to all of you
and a happy future fourth 'o july