WWYD?? Unreturned Baby Clothes...

[Bens Momma]

I'm in need of advice on how to handle this situation...Please advise me so I don't completely loose it!
Last year when my sis had her baby I sent her a bunch of baby clothes with the clear understanding that she would return them if/when we had another DC. I was happy to share some things as we share similar style/taste in clothing, and I also put in some new outfits (that I didn't expect back obviously) of various sizes as a gift to the baby. She color coded things people lent her by putting a small dot on the tags so she'd know who gave/lent what. I sent her two batches of stuff over the past year and kept my own list of what I'd sent. Fast forward to a few weeks ago when I asked if she could return things when she came to visit this week. I named specific things that I really wanted back and then asked for anything that her DC had outgrown or that they didn't plan on using/didn't like. I'm not expecting but have SIL & BF with new babies, and would also like to generate some $ by selling some stuff as things are tight for us right now.
She only brought a handful of things with her (and several of them aren't even ours :irked:) and then proceeds to tell me that she let her Nanny take a bunch of stuff for her DS to wear. Her "It was so cute to see her DS wearing X, and it's nice that another child could wear it!" Me "Uh, yeah." (didn't have the guts to say what I really wanted to! :banghead:) They live out of state & I don't even know her Nanny! Sis has tons of $$ and she probably never even put DN in our clothes, but I was being nice and she DID ask to borrow out of season stuff for a trip they took this winter. WTF!?! I want our stuff back and maybe I'm a witch but I'd never lend someone elses things. There are 2 outfits that were favs (I'm kicking myself for even lending them) but I told her from the beginning that I wanted them back to put in DS "special box." How should I handle this, what should I say to her? Because I'm not expecting I think she wonders why I even care about getting the stuff back, but I'm POed!
This has been a horrible 2 weeks for numerous reasons and this was just the icing on the cake! Please help me before I go insane!

Momma to 2 ACTIVE DS :bouncy::bouncy:

[DrSally]

I understand your frustration. I would never lend out clothes that were leant to me, unless the original lender said they didn't want them back at all. This is really careless and toughtless, she doesn't seem to get that you want them back. My sister and I share clothes and are always really good at giving stuff back. My mom had a problem with lending clothes to her SIL and I remember as a kid hearing her gripe about not getting the special dresses back. Some people are not considerate about these things. Maybe print out the list you have for her and let her know that you really would like them back? If she doesn't follow through, just never lend to hear again!

[hillview]

Does your sister know my sister?

Sigh

This is hard. I have similar issues. My sister is just like this. I have accepted it and adjusted ... I'd
- ask for the items you really want back and tell her you are planning to do a quilt or something with them
- assume the other stuff is gone and not lend again

HUGS!!
/hillary

[ThreeofUs]

Maybe print out the list you have for her and let her know that you really would like them back?


I'd print out the list and tell her you're worried about getting these back - and you need them.

If she waffles, just state that you loaned these clothes to her with a clear understanding of getting them back, because you don't have the money to buy them all over again.

If she doesn't or can't return them, she has at least been told of her responsibility. Unfortunately, you'll have to just eat it and never loan her anything again.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I'd send her the list and ask her to round up the clothes you need back most.

I have a sister and friends I don't lend to because they don't take care of/ return them. It stinks to be helpful and be taken advantage of.

Hugs.

[Bens Momma]

Thanks for the support and ideas! It does totally suck to have your kindness taken advantage of! I don't think she did it on purpose, but like I said they are quite well off so buying clothes is no big deal for them. And there's really no excuse in my book when it's other peoples things. Lesson learned about lending, but my guilty conscience always gets the best of me and I think people will think I'm selfish/b*t*hy for not giving or lending them stuff. Will it look petty if I give her the list of stuff or should I just ask for the few things that I REALLY want back? Should I do it before she leaves or after she goes home? I won't lend her stuff again, but how should I handle this issue with others?...I kind of feel soured on lending/sharing!


Thanks BBB Mommas!
Momma to 2 ACTIVE DS :bouncy::bouncy:

[egoldber]

I would just approach her and tell her honestly that you were counting on getting these clothes back. She probably can't at this point, because she probably loaned them out, gave them away or lost track. You having the list should help.

I never loan anything out with the expectation that it will come back. I also never accept "loans" of clothes. I'm happy to get "I'm soooo done with kids please take these off my hands" but not loans. If someone tells me its a loan, I just say no thanks because I personally would not be able to keep track and don't want the stress. If I think that might cause hurt feelings, I say thank you and never ever use those clothes. I just store them and give them back after awhile.

[bubbaray]

I never loan anything out. Period. I had someone borrow a (nice) skirt in university and return it with a cigarette hole in it, so never again. I've had coworkers and friends ask to borrow baby stuff/clothes and I've turned them down.

I also don't have a sister.

But, I don't understand why she can't get YOUR clothes back from her nanny. That makes no sense to me.

Send her the list of what you lent her, clearly tell her you kept track and you know that she color coded things. Tell her you want every last piece back. I personally wouldn't let her keep even the things you don't care about -- better you loan them out to people you know or sell them.

JMHO.

PS -- in a lousy mood today, which may reflect in my attitude here, LOL!

[KBecks]

I think you should call her and let her know that you didn't get everything back, email her a copy of the list of things with the items you received back checked off, and ask her to look through her stuff and please return anything else she has that she might have missed.

I'd let her know that you wanted to get all the clothes back and you are disappointed she gave your things to her nanny without asking you first.

Then, you can decide if you'd like to ask for money to replace the lost clothes or not. By looking at your list you should be able to come up with a value based on used / resale prices. I'm not sure I would do that, but I might if we needed the money. You could look at your list and say, there are X number of items that we didnt' get back and those clothes would be worth about $Y then ask her if she would send you a check for the missing items.

In the future, keep your stuff. :)

Good luck and I hope it works out.


ETA: I don't loan out things that I care about getting back, and in the future, I'm not going to take offers from people who even push things on me that they want back. I don't want to take special outfits from anyone! A friend gave me her son's Christmas outfit and I gave her back the shirt and vest a long time ago but kept the cords. I think I have the right pair of tan cords to return to her (after my son wore them a lot), but I think it's a better plan not to risk a relationship over these special things. I think she meant for us to USE what she gave us, but John wore those cords a ton! I also prefer not to store things, organize things, etc. etc. that are not mine because it's hard to keep track of all the stuff! I have two bags of maternity thigns that I didn't ask for, were just kind of dropped on me, but I am going to have to return. I am thinking of not even opening one bag and just storing it in the basement rather than deal with the fuss.

EATA: Have the conversation NOW, while she is still visiting, hand her your list of items, and make your request to get the rest of the things back. I think it's fair to ask her for $ as an option if she doesn't have the stuff, because it gives her an easier out if she's just not kept track or doesn't want to have to deal with figuring out all the pieces. And I think it's important that you at least ask her to make it right. Then if she doesn't follow through, write it off, forgive her, move on and never lend anything again, lesson learned. But I think you owe it to yourself to ask for what's yours and let her know the matter isn't settled right now.

[DrSally]

Thanks for the support and ideas! It does totally suck to have your kindness taken advantage of! I don't think she did it on purpose, but like I said they are quite well off so buying clothes is no big deal for them. And there's really no excuse in my book when it's other peoples things. Lesson learned about lending, but my guilty conscience always gets the best of me and I think people will think I'm selfish/b*t*hy for not giving or lending them stuff. Will it look petty if I give her the list of stuff or should I just ask for the few things that I REALLY want back? Should I do it before she leaves or after she goes home? I won't lend her stuff again, but how should I handle this issue with others?...I kind of feel soured on lending/sharing!


Thanks BBB Mommas!
Momma to 2 ACTIVE DS :bouncy::bouncy:

I say give the list to her before she leaves so you can discuss it in person. Put a star by the items you would really like back the most, but don't just limit it to those. She really owes you all the clothes. Then, if she gives you some of the clothes, incl. the ones you really want, that might be the best resolution given her apparent lack of detail-orientedness.

[ThreeofUs]

I agree, just give her the list now and tell her honestly that you need the clothes back. I know you want to be nice about it, and you *can* be. But there's no call to be a doormat - your sister just sounds oblivious to your needs. Make sure she understands.

And I don't lend anything, either, unless to someone with whom I have a "mutual assistance" pact that includes respecting each others' things and ownership (within reason). Everything else I give away.

[traciann]

I think at this point I wouldn't expect to get the clothes back, and I wouldn't mention it again. I don't think that clothes are worth fighting about and possibly hurting/straining a relationship over. If she asks to borrow anymore clothes I would say that you have already given them to someone else to borrow, and leave it at that.

[kijip]

I think you are within your rights to insist she get what she can back. I can't imagine lending out something I was loaned. That is crazy. I usually prefer to buy things from people than borrow so I don't have to keep track of what is what.

[vonfirmath]

This is one reason I don't want to take borrows of clothes, nor would I lend out clothes.

I would be so stressed every time my kid wore them, in case they got messed up in a way I could not wash!

[jk3]

Substitute friend for sister and I've dealt with the same situation. I never lend anything out anymore if I even think I'll want it back.

[C99]

I don't know what I would do, but I can tell you that unless these clothes are super high-end (Oilily, etc.) and/or in excellent condition better brands (janie & jack, hanna - unlikely after 3+ wearers), they aren't going to fetch enough that it's worth ruining your relationship with your sister over.

[lizajane]

i loan all our clothes to my best friend, who uses them for her kid 1 year younger than mine. then she gives all of them back AND her clothes for my 2nd kid to wear, 1 year younger than hers. then i give HER back all of them for HER 2nd kid to wear, 1.5 years younger than my 2nd. now, the problem is that my sister has a baby 2 years younger than mine and he is big and my best friend's son is small. so they are about the same. so now i can't loan best friend anything else because my nephew trumps my best friend's son (my Godson.)

but my point...

i give her my stuff which she gives back AND gives me her stuff. maybe you should tell your sister that you want to use all HER stuff, too and you will give it all back and then maybe you will get everything back, or at least enough to cover what you are missing.