Sticky family situation , WWYD??

[Pennylane]

My first cousin is planning on getting married next year. I don't talk to her hardly ever, maybe once every year or two, she is my mom's brother's daughter. Growing up, they never sent me or my siblings b-day cards, gifts, etc. But since she was an only child, my mom (her aunt) always sent her gifts, cards, etc. She is very spoiled and her parents think the world revolves around her, 24 and still lives at home, etc...Her mom has been promising to make my older dd a dress since she was born, my dd is almost 7 and still no dress.

Anyway, my cousin called me last month(first time I've spoken to her in a year and a half) and said she was getting married next year and could my 3 dc be in her wedding. I said that would be tough, I didn't know how the kids would do since my youngest 2 are both 3 and under but if she wanted them to do it I would try. Well every year we go to the beach the same week in May. This year we went ahead and booked the house for 2009 too because they offered us a discount. When I came home I emailed her just to see when her wedding was and turns out it is on a day that we are at the beach. I told her that we would be at the beach that weekend, that we do it every year, the same week and I was sorry that we would miss the wedding.

She sent me back a response saying how disappointed in me she was and how family should be more important than a beach trip which we can make anytime, etc, etc....

I just don't feel any obligation to do this wedding. I have never been close to her or her family and I really would just rather go to the beach!

Sorry this is so long. I just don't think she has the right to try to guilt me into this. My mom agrees with me but my father this I should go ahead and do the wedding. WWYD?

Ann

[hillview]

I'd go to the beach. Sounds like more fun and you did it fair and square (booked it before you knew her date). HAVE FUN!
/hillary

[amandabea]

I'd go to the beach and have a great time. If it was that important to her, then she would have told you when the wedding was when she called to ask if your DC could be in it -- or maybe she just thought by telling you it was in 2009 you would clear any potential personal conflicts with her in advance for the entire year. I don't mean to be catty, but it seems that was just another example of how things revolve around her.

[Bean606]

I'd want to go to the beach, and would if my parents weren't around, but there is no way my parents would be OK with me missing a family wedding for a trip to the beach, and I would feel obligated just for the sake of my parents, not for the person's wedding. I am surprised, though, that the person who asked for your children to be in her wedding didn't tell yo the date when she asked!

[buddyleebaby]

Would going to the wedding mean you would have to miss your whole vacation? Or is it close enough that you could just miss the day?

[gatorsmom]

Well, hmmm.. did you tell her that you would do the wedding BEFORE you booked the beach trip? My only thought is that maybe she asked that your children be in the wedding first and when you said yes, she counted on that and started to plan around your children. You don't say in your post how much time had elapsed between when you told her you'd try to be in the wedding and when you emailed her to find out the date of her wedding. I think the amount of time that passed makes a difference here.

As far as feeling obligated to be in the wedding just because she is family, I wouldn't feel obligated at all. If this beach trip is something you had planned before she asked you to be in the wedding, I'd be apologetic that the dates didn't work out but that's about it. It's not like you will lose a close friend over this, kwim?

Besides, you would probably have to purchase the outfits for your children to be in the wedding (unless they are boys) and those wedding outfits can be expensive!!

[maestramommy]

Go to the beach.

[miki]

Beach! Beach! Beach!

[Laurel]

For me, the deciding factor would be how big a deal this would be for the rest of the family. Will this impact your mom's relationship with her brother, are your grandparents going to be involved, etc? Honestly, no vacation would be worth an extended family rift for me.

Another factor to consider (I admit that if it were me it would be major because I care too much about what others think- YMMV) is her going around telling people you agreed to be in the wedding party and then decided you'd rather go on vacation. Without knowing what kind of cousin she has been, it would be easy for others to think you were the one being selfish, unfortunately.

On the other hand, if the only relationship affected will be the one with your cousin- I say go ahead and enjoy your vacation!

[SAHMIL]

I am going to say hit the beach! It would have been nice of her to communicate to you when she was planning the wedding. However, she can always say you didn't ask, but I think that this was an honest mistake.

[Emmas Mom]

I'd probably go to the beach too but....is it at all possible to switch the week of your beach trip? Is it going to cause conflict in the family between your Mom & her brother? How far away is the wedding from where you guys live? In the end it's still your call. I have cousins I never speak too & really could care less what they think of me & my family (not that we're on bad terms, we're just not close).

[KBecks]

My first cousin is planning on getting married next year. I don't talk to her hardly ever, maybe once every year or two, she is my mom's brother's daughter. Growing up, they never sent me or my siblings b-day cards, gifts, etc. But since she was an only child, my mom (her aunt) always sent her gifts, cards, etc. She is very spoiled and her parents think the world revolves around her, 24 and still lives at home, etc...Her mom has been promising to make my older dd a dress since she was born, my dd is almost 7 and still no dress.

Anyway, my cousin called me last month(first time I've spoken to her in a year and a half) and said she was getting married next year and could my 3 dc be in her wedding. I said that would be tough, I didn't know how the kids would do since my youngest 2 are both 3 and under but if she wanted them to do it I would try. Well every year we go to the beach the same week in May. This year we went ahead and booked the house for 2009 too because they offered us a discount. When I came home I emailed her just to see when her wedding was and turns out it is on a day that we are at the beach. I told her that we would be at the beach that weekend, that we do it every year, the same week and I was sorry that we would miss the wedding.

She sent me back a response saying how disappointed in me she was and how family should be more important than a beach trip which we can make anytime, etc, etc....

I just don't feel any obligation to do this wedding. I have never been close to her or her family and I really would just rather go to the beach!

Sorry this is so long. I just don't think she has the right to try to guilt me into this. My mom agrees with me but my father this I should go ahead and do the wedding. WWYD?

Ann
You've already made up your mind about your plans, so now it's up to you whether you're going to allow yourself to feel guilty about it or not.

I think you are spending too much time keeping track of who gets what and doesn't get what and thinking she's spoiled, etc. I think that's a negative/bad attitude, it's judgmental, and a waste of your time. I mean, get over the dress for your daughter from your aunt, and that has nothing to do with your cousin. In fact if you think your cousin was spoiled and raised poorly, that's more to do with your aunt as well. But so what?

It sounds like you don't like her, so then you've made the right choice to skip the wedding. Now it's her problem to adjust.

I think you could look into the possibility of changing your beach week and see if it's do-able. That would be a nice thing to do. If it can't happen, then so be it. I also think it would have been nice of you to check with your cousin on dates before committing to the beach. I think she has the right to be sad that you won't be there, that's fine. I think what you did was you said you'd try, but it doesn't sound like you put much effort into trying to have the kids be able to be there. That's why you might want to look into changing weeks if it's possible.

If you do not attend, and it sounds like that's what will happen, I would send her the nicest card and gift that I could find that was in my budget, and wish her every happiness in life, and mean it. I would also work to let go of all baggage and negativity about your cousin and aunt. And have a nice, guilt-free vacation.

[ThreeofUs]

I'd go to the beach. It is only reasonable that you should go ahead with planning your life when you had no other information. Your cousin did not show consideration for you, so the onus is not on you to be there.

[bethie_73]

Besides, you would probably have to purchase the outfits for your children to be in the wedding (unless they are boys) and those wedding outfits can be expensive!!

Just an FYI my 2yo DS was in a wedding last month and we had to rent a tux... it cost $160 the same as DH's so if she has a son she may not be off the hook.

As for the trip. If you can change the date with no cost it would be nice. But since you go the same week every year, if she was close to you at all she would have known this, and unless there was NO other date (DH and I had only 2 days we could get married) if she really wanted your children involved, she would have arranged it.

[Pennylane]

You've already made up your mind about your plans, so now it's up to you whether you're going to allow yourself to feel guilty about it or not.

I think you are spending too much time keeping track of who gets what and doesn't get what and thinking she's spoiled, etc. I think that's a negative/bad attitude, it's judgmental, and a waste of your time. I mean, get over the dress for your daughter from your aunt, and that has nothing to do with your cousin. In fact if you think your cousin was spoiled and raised poorly, that's more to do with your aunt as well. But so what?

It sounds like you don't like her, so then you've made the right choice to skip the wedding. Now it's her problem to adjust.



I guess I have already made up my mind about it. I have actually spent no time over the past 25 yrs keeping track of who gets what. I always thought it was really nice of my mom to treat her so well and try to make her feel special since she was an only child.

That being said, I just feel like all the sudden her and her mom are acting like I OWE her this after no one in her family has ever made an effort to be in my life. Which has been fine with me and I have no hard feelings about that at all!! Honestly!

I do like her, but I just think she really just wants to "use" my dc because she wants a couple of cute kids in her wedding.

Ann

[KBecks]

I do like her, but I just think she really just wants to "use" my dc because she wants a couple of cute kids in her wedding.

Ann

I think that's totally true, she probably wants kids in the wedding and you have cute kids and are family. I'm sure she doesn't see it as using you, and she probably likes you and your family too.

You have no obligation to attend the wedding and so... have a great time at the beach!

[Pennylane]

I'd probably go to the beach too but....is it at all possible to switch the week of your beach trip? Is it going to cause conflict in the family between your Mom & her brother? How far away is the wedding from where you guys live? In the end it's still your call. I have cousins I never speak too & really could care less what they think of me & my family (not that we're on bad terms, we're just not close).

The rental company gave us a nice discount to book that far in advance and the down payment is non-refundable. I told her that,but she still thinks I should cancel.

I spoke to my mother about it before I emailed my cousin and my mom said to go to the beach and not worry about it.

Ann

[1964pandora]

Ann, I would go to the beach and try not to give it a second thought.

I think your reaction to the situation is entirely reasonable and practical. I wouldn't respond to her email about being disappointed with anything other than something like I'm sorry you are disappointed. I'd hate to even use the words "I'm sorry," because you haven't done anything wrong. I would just keep your responses firm and brief. You can't control what other people think, so I would not worry at all about what she tells people.

Susan

[Pennylane]

Ann, I would go to the beach and try not to give it a second thought.

I think your reaction to the situation is entirely reasonable and practical. I wouldn't respond to her email about being disappointed with anything other than something like I'm sorry you are disappointed. I'd hate to even use the words "I'm sorry," because you haven't done anything wrong. I would just keep your responses firm and brief. You can't control what other people think, so I would not worry at all about what she tells people.

Susan

I have not intentions of responding to her last email.I don't want it to turn into some type of email war of words.

Thanks everyone for the help! I think I made the right decision.

Ann

[thomma]

Go to the beach and let the rest go. The only person in this world that can guilt me into doing anything is my mom...and yours has already let you off the hook. As far as I'm concerned, you're good to go! :)

Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[Ceepa]

I'd still go to the beach but if you're concerned about any tension in the family because of this issue I would call her and reiterate your situation. Not acknowledging her last e-mail isn't really reasonable for a delicate family disagreement, IMO. Regardless of your relationship with her she was disappointed that your DC couldn't be in her wedding (for whatever reasons).

[Pennylane]

I'd still go to the beach but if you're concerned about any tension in the family because of this issue I would call her and reiterate your situation. Not acknowledging her last e-mail isn't really reasonable for a delicate family disagreement, IMO. Regardless of your relationship with her she was disappointed that your DC couldn't be in her wedding (for whatever reasons).

You are right, whatever the reason she wanted them in it, she is probably dissapointed. I guess her last email just made me so mad, especially when she says we'll have plenty more years at the beach, etc. I just don't know what I would say if I did reply. I jus have a feeling it would keep on going. My mom is going to talk to them when she visits and try to explain everything.

Ann

[nov04]

Your cousin can't expect you to commit to her wedding when she didn't give you a date to commit to. And she'd know you went to the beach each year. Sounds like she expected you to work around her date. She has no right to guilt you into it imo.

Have fun!!!!

[Tondi G]

I want to reply like everyone else and say "go to the beach". But I am trying to put myself in her shoes. If I had family when I got married that had small children I would have wanted them to be in my wedding. My god children were in my wedding and it really made it special for me. I think she is just disappointed and was envisioning something on her wedding day. It probably makes her sad to think that a trip you make every year to the same place is more important to you then the wedding of a family member. In her mind I am sure she is thinking "hey, I'm only getting married ONCE in my life"! There is only ONE opportunity for your children to be in Her wedding.

Just playing the devils advocate here. It's a personal decision and sounds as if you have already decided to stick with your beach plans! I hope she comes to understand your decision and gets on with her wedding plans!

[Pennylane]

I want to reply like everyone else and say "go to the beach". But I am trying to put myself in her shoes. If I had family when I got married that had small children I would have wanted them to be in my wedding. My god children were in my wedding and it really made it special for me. I think she is just disappointed and was envisioning something on her wedding day. It probably makes her sad to think that a trip you make every year to the same place is more important to you then the wedding of a family member. In her mind I am sure she is thinking "hey, I'm only getting married ONCE in my life"! There is only ONE opportunity for your children to be in Her wedding.

Just playing the devils advocate here. It's a personal decision and sounds as if you have already decided to stick with your beach plans! I hope she comes to understand your decision and gets on with her wedding plans!

You are right, I'm sure she had it all planned out...How cute it would be to have all my kids in her wedding and I am sorry to disappoint her. On the other hand, I am not willing to change this yearly vacation(that my family really looks forward to) just so a cousin that I very rarely speak to can have cute wedding pictures.

If it was on a date that I could do, then I would. I would spend the $600 or more that it would probably cost me and bring my family to a wedding where we know no one, not even her fiance!!

Ann

[marit]

I know you've already made up your mind, and that everyone else on the boards agrees with you, but...

I would go to the wedding.

You are right that she is spoiled, you are right that she was trying to guilt you into coming and that is not nice. She probably wants you there just so she could have 3 little cute children dressed up fancy for the ceremony or whatever.

But since you're the adult (not her) I would try to leave out all "calculations" of who sent gifts to whom. You are hurting yourself by comparing and getting angry at that (they were obviously not emotionally available to think about anyone else but themselves - their loss, not yours).

My husband and I moved here from Israel 7 years ago. All our family is back there. I wish I could participate in happy family events!. I also think it is very important to have a strong family connection, it's important to teach that to your kids.

Just my 2 cents... (since you asked :) )

[KBecks]

One other thing to consider (although I think I've already talked too much) is if the kids will enjoy the wedding. Your cousin may have thought she was being inclusive and reaching out to your family via the invite, and what 6 year old or 7 year old girl wouldn't love to wear the fancy dress, you know? Of course, we all know that being in a wedding, etc. is a PITA, totally, but the bride doesn't realize that and it could be a neat experience for your kids.

How firm are those beach dates / contract? It may be worth a call to check.

I don't want to sound like I'm pressuring you to go, because I think it's fine either way in the end.

[1964pandora]

I may be in the minority, but I didn't get the impression that the OP was seriously keeping track of past slights, etc. and that formed the basis for her her decision not to attend the wedding.

I got the impression, from the examples she used, that she was just trying to describe the people she was dealing with and the kinds of annoying things they sometimes do. I really didn't get the impression that she was deciding not to go to the wedding out of spite. Just my take on it.

Susan

[Pennylane]

I may be in the minority, but I didn't get the impression that the OP was seriously keeping track of past slights, etc. and that formed the basis for her her decision not to attend the wedding.

I got the impression, from the examples she used, that she was just trying to describe the people she was dealing with and the kinds of annoying things they sometimes do. I really didn't get the impression that she was deciding not to go to the wedding out of spite. Just my take on it.

Susan

Thanks Susan,what you said is exactly true. Like I said in a pp I don't hold any hard feelings toward her at all. I was just trying to explain the type of person I am dealing with. If I did not have these plans, I would do it. But we take one vacation a year as a family and everyone really looks forward to it.

I did call the rental company and since we booked so far in advance and got the discount it is non-refundable.

So unless she changes the date of the wedding, we'll be at the beach.

I did ask my older daughter if she wanted to do it and she asked if other people would be there, LOL. She is pretty shy!

Ann

[traciann]

another one who would pick the beach in your situation!

[StantonHyde]

ummm--we are talking about 2009 here??? I understand the need to plan a wedding well ahead--I had 7 months and lots of people have a year. But seriously, how big a deal is it to replan your flower girls/ring bearers??

One of my bridesmaids and her daughter dropped out. I was pissed because she said she couldn't travel (she was pg) but she traveled with her family and she was/is a very close friend. And gosh golly, somehow the wedding went just fine with one less bridesmaid and flower girl.

Your cousin will be fine without your children--she has PLENTY of time to find someone else!!

[saschalicks]

You are right, whatever the reason she wanted them in it, she is probably dissapointed. I guess her last email just made me so mad, especially when she says we'll have plenty more years at the beach, etc. I just don't know what I would say if I did reply. I jus have a feeling it would keep on going. My mom is going to talk to them when she visits and try to explain everything.

Ann

Sometimes not saying anything at all is the most poignant message you can send. Or even a response like: I'm sorry you feel that way. Simple and ends the conversation.

I fear that the relationship you have w/your cousin is the relationship my children will have w/my DH's bro's kids. I send them cards and gifts for everything and my kids get nothing. I want them to feel love from our family, but in the end my kids may feel the way you do. If there's no interest on their part why should you make them a priority. GL!

[casey0729]

if your cousin feels you should cancel anyway even with a non-refundable deposit (did you tell her that?) that speaks volumes about what kind of person she is. And you may have to shell out more money for outfits for the DCs, getting to the wedding, PLUS gifts? I don't think so.

Get yourself to the beach and park it. Don't forget the sunscreen!