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View Full Version : Can someone please offer to take my DD?!



ShanaMama
06-19-2008, 10:07 PM
I have no clue what I plan on doing with DD when I go to the hospital. Since I'm starting my ninth month... I think it's time to make some plans!
I really don't have close friends or family in my town. DH has two married brothers, technically I can ask one of my SILs. Both do not appeal to me for different reasons. One has three challenging children & currently seems a bit overwhelmed. She hasn't offered & I think it's a bit much to ask her, especially since she'll probably feel like she can't say no. The other is a strong minded daycare provider who doesn't have her own children yet. She has very strong theories on child raising, many of which I don't agree with. Nothing dangerous or terrible, but I kindof feel like my DD will be her poster child to try out all her strategies on & I don't really appreciate that. This couple is going through infertility & I just feel like so much attention would be focused on DD if she stays there. Constant talk about Mommy having a new baby, etc. I'd much rather have her stay in someone's house where she'll just blend in with the routine, go with the flow with other kids.
I have two friends that I'm thinking of asking, but I'm not sure if it's a huge favor to ask. One has 3 under 4 & actually loves having DD over because it keeps her oldest busy. She offered to have DD sleep over one night when I have the baby. I don't think she meant that as an offer to have her for 3 days when I'm in the hospital. I also think she has her hands pretty full & it's really a lot to ask.
The other friend would be ideal but they haven't offered & I am hesitant about asking. DH & the guy are pretty good friends & DD & their kids love each other. Me & the wife- not so much. Nothing wrong, just we really don't have a relationship other than family friends. Asking her to have my daughter for a couple of days is a big favor & I don't know how to go about it or if it's too much. DD is so comfortable by their house & they are a block away from her daycamp, so it would really be ideal. How do
I ask without putting my foot in my mouth?
I really wish I had a close friend around here, or one of my sisters. Someone I could just ask honestly & know they'd answer honestly.

SnuggleBuggles
06-19-2008, 10:17 PM
I'm sorry this is so complicated. :( I know I am one that would be happy to help if asked so I say just ask and see what happens. The worst they could do is say no.

2 thoughts though...are you having a c-section? Do you have to stay in the hospital for 3 days? It might make things easier if you came home sooner (I know I was happy to come home a few hours after my births but I know that isn't for everyone). Second, I watched a friend's ds for 3 nights when she had dd and she said in hindsight that dh should have just come home and slept there with ds. She said that dh slept terribly in the hospital and that made the whole new baby thing difficult. It might be easier to find daytime arrangements for dd and just have dh be with her at night. Just some ideas.

GL!!

Beth

Clarity
06-19-2008, 10:22 PM
My dd has never been to anyone's house overnight so I can relate a bit. I have a few months to think about it, but as of now, I'm absolutely planning on having her spend the day with her grandparents, but daddy will be returning home to her at night to get her to bed and be there if she needs him.
The only night he might not be able to be there is if I labor at the hospital overnight and then we'll need to have a grandma take her or stay with her.
If I were in your situation, I hate to say it, but I would a probably ask the daycare SIL. I know it's hard when you don't necessarily agree with some of her ideas, but unless she would provide an unsafe environment for your dd, I'd probably go that route. Your dd would have her undivided attention which isn't so bad...and might even be really fun for your dd....I've noticed my dd just loves loves the attention that our family pays to her. She just blossoms. And, you could ask her not to emphasize the new baby too much.
Just my thoughts...I know it's tough to make these decisions and you sound like you're in a tricky situation. Could one of your sisters be convinced to come for a few days?

Clarity
06-19-2008, 10:22 PM
My dd has never been to anyone's house overnight so I can relate a bit. I have a few months to think about it, but as of now, I'm absolutely planning on having her spend the day with her grandparents, but daddy will be returning home to her at night to get her to bed and be there if she needs him.
The only night he might not be able to be there is if I labor at the hospital overnight and then we'll need to have a grandma take her or stay with her.
If I were in your situation, I hate to say it, but I would a probably ask the daycare SIL. I know it's hard when you don't necessarily agree with some of her ideas, but unless she would provide an unsafe environment for your dd, I'd probably go that route. Your dd would have her undivided attention which isn't so bad...and might even be really fun for your dd....I've noticed my dd just loves loves the attention that our family pays to her. She just blossoms. And, you could ask her not to emphasize the new baby too much.
Just my thoughts...I know it's tough to make these decisions and you sound like you're in a tricky situation. Could one of your sisters be convinced to come for a few days?

bubbaray
06-19-2008, 10:46 PM
Yeah, I'd ask one of your sisters to come for a few days. Failing that, I'd probably go with the daycare SIL.

ShanaMama
06-19-2008, 10:50 PM
2 thoughts though...are you having a c-section? Do you have to stay in the hospital for 3 days? It might make things easier if you came home sooner (I know I was happy to come home a few hours after my births but I know that isn't for everyone). Second, I watched a friend's ds for 3 nights when she had dd and she said in hindsight that dh should have just come home and slept there with ds. She said that dh slept terribly in the hospital and that made the whole new baby thing difficult. It might be easier to find daytime arrangements for dd and just have dh be with her at night. Just some ideas.


Wow, I didn't even think about coming home early. I considered it with DD so there's no reason I shouldn't consider it now. I guess I'll play it by ear & see how the birth & recovery go. Not knowing when I'll go into labor I need someone to count on! It doesn't really need to be 3 days, though.

The reason I don't plan on having DH sleep at home with her is because he works incredibly hard during the summer. (He's a contractor) I'm not even sure he'll be able to take off the days I'm in the hospital. He will come with me when I'm in labor but may have to go back to work if I stay a couple of days. By the time he gets home from work he'll start heading to visit me. I don't want him to be responsible for DD also- just too much on his plate IMO. He is pretty flexible at work, so may be able to bring DD & come visit me in the afternoon & then go home & sleep with her. It's just very unpredictable.

ShanaMama
06-19-2008, 10:52 PM
Just my thoughts...I know it's tough to make these decisions and you sound like you're in a tricky situation. Could one of your sisters be convinced to come for a few days?

I wish! They both live out of the country. They won't even get to meet my baby for a good couple of months!

ETA: Just want to clarify that I meant no offense to couples going through infertility by my comments about the daycare SIL. Just that the love & attention are very concentrated in that house & I think it might be a bit much for DD in this particular instance.

mom2binsd
06-20-2008, 12:18 AM
I'm not sure if you stated it but has your DD spent any nights at either of the places you are considering..I mean overnight by herself...if not I really think your DH will need to rearrange things so he can be home at night with her...do you have a teenager/college student babysitter she knows who would be able to spend the days with her...get her dinner etc/bath so DH doesn't have all of that to do...(or could you get recommendations from friends and have your DD spend time with her in the next few weeks). I found after my second c-section I was feeling much better sooner (although my DS was in a NICU across town) but I know I knew to get up as soon as I could and I knew how to work through the discomfort better after having done it once.)

C99
06-20-2008, 01:00 AM
Has anyone asked what you are doing? I know I talk about that w/ friends w/o family in town.

The way I see it, you have two options: ask DH to ask his friend if DD can stay with them when you are in the hospital, or realize that it's only going to be for 2-3 days and ask daycare SIL to do it. Seriously, she's not going to screw up your kid if she amuses her for 3 days while you have a baby. And really, even if I took your DD, I'd be talking about the new baby, her role as a new big sister, etc.

Wife_and_mommy
06-20-2008, 01:11 AM
Has anyone asked what you are doing? I know I talk about that w/ friends w/o family in town.

The way I see it, you have two options: ask DH to ask his friend if DD can stay with them when you are in the hospital, or realize that it's only going to be for 2-3 days and ask daycare SIL to do it. Seriously, she's not going to screw up your kid if she amuses her for 3 days while you have a baby. And really, even if I took your DD, I'd be talking about the new baby, her role as a new big sister, etc.

ITA! Life as a mommy of two begins...accept the help available. Things will be fine.

Hugs! I know it's stressful but it will be okay.

kijip
06-20-2008, 01:43 AM
We have actually never offered to do this for friends but have been asked several times and always said yes with pleasure. Seriously, I would go ahead and ask your friends if that is what you prefer. If they say no, move onto daycare SIL without a second thought. You could see if people wanted to split the time up at all.

I will be having a friend watch T when I am in labor, because I would rather he have a playmate his age than be with relatives and no one his own age. I bet your friend who likes having your child around to play with her oldest would say yes without a second thought.

niccig
06-20-2008, 01:50 AM
Is there any any chance you DH can be around some of the time you're in hospital. I ask because I have looked after 3 different kids in our playgroup when their mums were in hospital. All the kids struggled with being away from home and their parents. One dad picked his son up as soon as he could, slept with him at home and then dropped him off to my house again for most of the next few days. Another Dad didn't turn up for 2.5 days, and I later found out that he had gone home to sleep on both nights while I had their child who was crying at night and had nightmares. I understand that he was tired, but his son was upset in a different house and eventhough I've known him for 3 years, being away from home and knowing mommy was in the hospital was just too much for him to handle.

Your DD could be perfectly fine, but it would be easier on her and on your SIL if your DH is around some of the time, so life is somewhat normal for her.

Anyway, that's just my experience.

ShanaMama
06-25-2008, 09:46 PM
Well, it's all worked out. As best as can be anticipated, that is. Daycare SIL & BIL will come over if we have to go in the middle of the night so we don't have to wake up DD. During the day she'll stay at DH's friend. DH talked to his friend first & he was totally cool with it. By the time I worked up the guts to call the wife she said- oh, I thought our husbands had it all worked out. We're watching your DD when you go to the hospital. No problem.
They are so chilled out & DD is really comfortable there. She actually played there after camp today. I am happy with the arrangement as of now & I can finally start preparing DD for where she'll be. Her idea of coming to the hospital with Mommy & Daddy to pick out a baby needs a bit of modification!
Thanks for all the input.