Anyone helped their parents move after 40 yrs in a house?

[american_mama]

Can anyone share their experiences helping their parents sort and move from a house where they've lived for 40 years? I'm sure my parents aren't unique: they are pack rats, they have gotten increasingly disorganized over the years so stuff is stashed in random rooms and places, they have no experience moving and underestimate the work, they have health issues that seriously limit their stamina to sort, much less bend, lift, carry, etc.

How do you help your parents sort through all the stuff? How do you help them relinquish their emotional attachment to stuff that is junk or is never used? How do you get them to break a habit that is counter-productive to moving (in my case, it's my mom the consummate grocery shopper continuing to buy food on super sale and add to the, no joke, mini grocery store she has in her basement and the jampacked second freezer.)

My parents have many friends their age who have made a similar move recently, and I wish they'd ask their own friends how they did it, but they don't. So I thought I'd ask MY friends, so to speak.

[belovedgandp]

No great advice, but I understand. My parents moved five years ago from the home they had lived in for 30 years. There's just a lot of stuff. My mother is pretty good, but my father is horrible. He's a saver because he might need it someday. Even when he gets rid of something, it's a major effort to make sure it's properly recycled, sold on e-bay/craiglist, or donated. Drives my mother crazy because each individual item takes forever to be parted with. She'd pack it all up and drop it at Goodwill.

What you're describing is the people/emotional part of why I cannot be a professional organizer. I've had so many friends say I should start a business or offer my services, but I just don't like people enough or have enough tact to not tell them they are being stupid and to let the junk go.

I haven't read it yet, but I'd be curious to see if Peter Walsh's "It's All Too Much" would give any good info. Or something else along those lines.

Good luck!

[bethie_73]

I tossed it... all. The difference is my Mom had just passed away, so my Dad was willing to part with stuff.

First you should know it takes a long time, and that there usually is something important with in all the cr@p. It took me 3 days after the funeral to make any type of dent.

Are they downsizing? Because, if they are you may need to put things in piles (keep, toss, donate) and try to have them keep in mind that there is not enough room for everything, so they really don't have a choice. The first move when my mom was still alive, I just tossed stuff. She really didn't notice because there was so much stuff. But things that were not worth keeping, I got rid of on the down low.

Good luck, and I hope there are some better ideas out there.

[khm]

I second looking into Peter Walsh's books or show appearances. He's often on Oprah. If you can find some of those shows, they ARE enlightening. I'd bet your parents won't think they are "as bad" as the other families are though.

It will be frustrating. It just will. I think you need a mantra, for you and for them! "You haven't used this in X years, let someone else benefit from it...." "It's just STUFF. Don't let it weigh you down."

[egoldber]

We faced some of this when my father passed away 3 years ago. Their house was crammed full of stuff from over 40 years of being pack rats. My mother is also not in great health and not very mobile, so it was hard.

In our case it was easier because my dad was actually the one who wouldn't allow things to get thrown out, so once he died, mom was gradually able to let stuff go. She didn't move (although I wish she would) but was able to finally let a lot of things go. They still had broken toys of MINE from when I was a child. I mean jeepers.

I'm not sure what age your parents are, but mine were children during the Depression, so they grew up with the mentality that to throw anything away that you might use was practically a mortal sin. It was hard for them to let that go.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My brother joked that arson would be in order...

Good luck with the task. I don't look forward to having to do it. Luckily my mom has been making a bit of progress getting rid of stuff. Well, she does think it is progress however she buys new stuff toreplace it almost instantly, I swear.
Beth

[Bens Momma]

I listened to Peter Walsh's "It's All Too Much" as a book on CD. He does have some great suggestions and ways to give yourself a new "mentality" of how to look at your stuff and how to declutter, so this might help you help them. I inherited the pack rat mentality from my mother, and I often "hear" Peter's voice/sayings in the back of my head as I continue to work on decluttering and before I consider buying something new. My parents sound EXACTLY like yours and I dread the day that we have to clean out their house after 52 years of accumulating! I think it has something to do with their generation living through very hard times where you didn't have much, saved, and learned to re-purpose just about everything. I've helped them sort some small areas of their house already. Here are some things that worked on a small scale with them:

-just throw out things that are clearly "junk" without asking. In most cases they've forgotten about them or will never miss them. Example: my Mom saved old plastic flowerpots to re-plant in, there must have been like 30 of them! I thing she'd forgotten about them and she was never going to use them. I set aside 4 of them and put the rest in the recycling bin!

-tackle it one small area at a time

-organize it like they do on "Clean Sweep" with a container for throw away, give away, sell, and keep.

-since they don't get around, bend, pick-up very well; Put things (a little at a time) in a box for them to sort through as they sit at a table or in a chair.

-with your Mom's food, obviously throw anything that's expired! Then see if she would feel better about donating a good portion of it to a local food cupboard. Many are very low on food right now and she might feel better about parting with it if she knows it's going to help someone, not just be wasted!

*Hopefully they are downsizing and will realize that they can't take it all with them!



Good luck and keep smiling!! Believe me I know it's hard from being on both sides of the clutter!!
Momma to 2 ACTIVE DS :bouncy::bouncy:

[Bens Momma]

I'm not sure what age your parents are, but mine were children during the Depression, so they grew up with the mentality that to throw anything away that you might use was practically a mortal sin. It was hard for them to let that go.

:yeahthat:

[karstmama]

we packed up my grandparents' house - oy. 30 years of butter tubs and mayo jars, and it just got better from there...

i second the 'cleen sweep' idea. i wonder how it would work if you did a room or closet or half an attic or whatever a week. totally clear out the (living room, breakfast area, porch, whatever) except for some chairs. bring everything in from the (back bedroom, under eave storage, hall closet). go through twice - first time anything that anyone wants to keep goes in keep, and there are toss and sell and charity piles. then go through the keep pile again and be ruthless. want to keep your wedding gown? what's your real motivation? could you frame the beading in a shadow box with a wedding picture? could you have the fabric made into a ring bearer pillow to be the heirloom? could you give it to a toddler for dress up? have several plastic bins or a very small tarp, and everything to be kept from that area needs to fit on that space.

also, something peter said that resonated with my s-i-l and best friend, both hoarders & thrift store mavens, was to be sure you're keeping what's important to the real you, not some fantasy you who makes homemade cookies with cookie cutters and frosts them with pastry tips. if the closest you've been to a cookie in the past 5 years is the grocery store aisle, get real & get rid of them.

[DrSally]

No, but I can only imagine when the time comes. My mom loves to garage sale. She has the room for it in the house we grew up in, but not if she were to move. Have you seen that show where they help horders clean out their house? THey sort into "donate, keep, and trash" piles. There was one show where this guy wanted to hand shred each of his bank statements from 20 years, and they had to tear him away to get back to business.

[KBecks]

I don't have experience but did see my DH's grandparents downsize to an apartment. They had an auction, a big one, to unload things they no longer needed, and they moved to a very small apartment, so they knew they had to sell a lot of things. They are practical people. They were farmers and it's common to do auctions. I think having a professional auction company help also helped them a lot, even with moving things etc.

I think maybe have them consider the space they are moving to and what will fit, what they use the most, then see if they will sell the rest in order to raise some cash for their future.

Good luck.

[sarahsthreads]

also, something peter said that resonated with my s-i-l and best friend, both hoarders & thrift store mavens, was to be sure you're keeping what's important to the real you, not some fantasy you who makes homemade cookies with cookie cutters and frosts them with pastry tips. if the closest you've been to a cookie in the past 5 years is the grocery store aisle, get real & get rid of them.

Yeah, I'm dreading this too, because I tend to keep too much cr@p and it's definitely genetic. My mom admitted she still had the chia pet from our previous house (the last time they moved was 17 years ago) in the basement because my youngest brother loved it so much. We won't go into their self-storage unit, which - no joke - has not been visited or opened in at least 5 years.

But I also need to take the advice to keep things that are important to the "real" me. I have wedding gifts I've never loved, or even liked - picture frames with no pictures, crystal clocks, etc. - in boxes since DD was born (we put all the knick-knacks away to make room for toys!) and I can't imagine ever putting them back on the shelves. But I feel guilty getting rid of them because they were wedding gifts, kwim?

I guess if I were helping my parents pack up and move I'd probably suggest that they take an evening off to have a nice dinner/date/whatever, and I'd sneak in with DH and my brothers and try to make a big dent in the obviously non-sentimental stuff for a few hours. But since my mom and I are like two peas in a pod, I think she'd be grateful for that - I know I would! YMMV...

Sarah :)

[kransden]

Does a move after 33 years count :) ? What worked for us was to have mom and dad not help for the most part. We had them work in a different room. We also had another sibling sit with them while another cleaned. Start with the least used room and work from there. Try not to let them see what you are getting rid of. They'll say it's still good! (I am not talking family heirlooms here folks!) Butter tubs and other @#$ went to the Goodwill or the dump. Some of my mother's crafts went to the local senior center (mom can't exactly hook rug anymore). Useful items were distributed to the kids or the parents kept them. Expired food was taken by us to "eat" and was dumped on the way home.

For the food, have your mom take an inventory while you are working on the rooms. Then have her plan some dinners with her stash.

You may have to be stealthful. We secretly got rid of tons of things behind my parents' back. Some people may disagree, but we had no choice. How many twin size sheets sets do you need when where you are moving has only 2 double beds? They were still good, but for who? I am sure someone at the Goodwill was happy for them -same for towels, old clothes etc.

I know this is hard, and people may disagree with our methods, but when you're dealing with this sort of situation, drastic measures are needed.

In the end, the only thing my mom missed was some of her yarn. Even though she kept over 100 (yes 100) skeins, she was missing some colors.

Good Luck!

[tarabenet]

My advice? Rent a dumpster. And have some friends help. They will be able to help you go ahead and toss the borderline items.

My experience was not with my own family, but DH's. When his aunt died, his mom was the sole heir and she wasn't competent to handle the affairs, so DH and I did. DH's grandparents had lived in the house since the 30s, and then his aunt stayed on after her husband was killed in the 60s. She was a horrible horrible packrat, the mentally ill can't-toss-things-out kind of packrat. We filled the dumpster four times, and still had two moving vans full of things for MIL or that we needed to e-Bay for MIL's benefit. Sadly, the spirit of Aunt Gerry has accompanied her crappolla to our house and we can't seem to exorcise her!

Share the stories, take pictures, but keep only what is truly useful or of such sentimental value that you know it would have to be in the car with you if you evacuated. (Just the sanity-saving advice I wish we'd followed.)

[Ceepa]

I haven't read the other responses yet, but this scenario is a real fear I have. My parents are packrats and their house is filled with crud. Unfortunately, DH's parents are the same way. Every now and again I gently suggest to my parents that they declutter a little (in the spirit of spring cleaning or whatever) but it never really goes anywhere. It may be because I live so far away.

If I'm there in the house with them they're a little more motivated. Like last fall while visiting I packed their car with things for the dump, and went with my dad. Then my mom was inspired to go through some old clothes to donate that I drove to Goodwill. I also took some old pet supplies to the local shelter for them. After I left that weekend ... no progress since. :(

I know it's inconvenient, but could you carve out a weekend afternoon or morning fromtime to time to help them in the house?

[pb&j]

Well, my parents had been in their current house for 20, and the house before that for nearly as long, so they definitely had a lot of stuff. They are still in the process of moving, but the sale of their house closes on Tuesday (god willing), so we are pretty much down to odds and ends.

Things that helped us:
-They moved into their condo a couple of months before the sale on their house was final, so they packed up just the necessities to move over.
-The move was crosstown, so they could keep moving things one carload at a time.
-They were both really ready to move and really excited about their new place, so paring down wasn't seen as much of a sacrifice.
-My sister and I have a great relationship with our parents, and could be brutally honest with them
-Both parents are still of sound mind and body

My parents were able to design the interior space of their condo, so my dad designed in a big storage/workshop area. This despite the fact that he has done virtually nothing in his home workshop for 10 years. The room is way too big, IMO, but it made the move a lot easier on him knowing that he could bring a whole pile of his junk, and on us in that we didn't have to talk him out of bringing it. It's filled to the brim with a lot of things that have been in boxes since their last move 20 yrs ago.

Neither of my parents are terrible packrats, though my dad is kind of on the verge. When we moved his parents into assisted living some years ago, we had to sneak to their house and stealthily throw away 50 years worth of phone books, mayonnaise jars, utility bills, and cancelled checks. I wish I were exaggerating. In that case, going behind their backs was our only option. I think my dad moved a few just for show, but everything else was tossed without their knowledge.

It has also helped that certain items they can't take have found a happy home with my sister and I, and a few close friends. I was actually delighted to get most of it (some very nice furniture, my childhood bed), though I could definitely do without the boxes of books and random detritus that I had left behind in my old bedroom 15+ years ago. I am currently procrastinating from unpacking those boxes myself!

For the larger/more valuable furniture items that didn't find a new home, my mom has managed to sell most of them, and used the money to help finance a trip to Vegas - definitely an incentive for her!!

For my dad, the real packrat, going one room at a time and having his brother go through with him was so helpful. He wouldn't listen to my mom, my sister, or I, but when his brother told him the exact same things, he would listen. It was like when someone "on his team" was telling him, it was a lot easier to take, versus when one of us girls told him, we must have had an ulterior motive, KWIM?

Anyway, it definitely wasn't easy, and I think everybody made compromises, but the move is basically complete, the new condo will be fantastic and (mostly) clutter-free.

Good luck - even though my parents were ready and willing to move, it has been a very difficult process for everyone involved.

[MontrealMum]

I have been through this with both my parents, and DH's. And the emotional factor is the real difference between the two experiences.

With my parents, my dad was selling the house he and my mom had bought together, and that he continued to live in after their divorce. So, about 35 years in the same home for him. Part of their settlement was that he could continue to live there, but that they would split the proceeds of the sale of the house, and of its contents. This meant that anything that he, she, or I, did not want, went into an estate sale. They had lots of fancy Victorian furniture and fine china/glassware along with the carp, so it made sense to do a sale like this. My dad was super-motivated since the sale was financing the purchase of his dream home on the lake. He threw out tons, donated more, and then sold what he didn't keep. The whole thing was accomplished quite quickly, and even though my mom was involved as well, there were no arguments. I think it was actually quite theraputic for the both of them.

My in-law's case was totally different. Similar move into a much smaller space after about 40 yrs. ( into a small city appt., and small country home with unfinished basement). But a totally unaccepting FIL that was also raised during the depression and had kept things like the old copper wiring from when Bell rewired all the homes in the neighborhood. He also had a huge collection of rocks which took up the entire 2nd stall of their garage! And the sporting equipment - he could have started a museum. For weeks he was out in the driveway chiselling off the "important" parts, since MIL would only let him keep a certain percentage of them. If it were not for drill-sargent MIL, they'd still be at it. As it was, it took them over a year to get out. Your parents have a grocery store in their basement, my IL's had a hardware store.

So, my advice: motivation is key. Deal with the emotional things. Be prepared to do some handholding. Find out about donation policies at your local charities: have numbers, hours, drop-off addresses and be ready to present the parents with the info so they don't have any excuses. And be prepared to compromise (as MIL did over the rock collection). Push, but don't push too hard - they have to want to do it. And check out Peter Walsh - he's incredible what he can get people to do. And I think the one room at a time thing is a good idea too.
ETA: my mom did my grandma's house too, but was really only able to do it after she died. Old napkins, creamers and sugar from restaurants, bulk-sized jars of olives, and money in all the cushions. It was awful!