At what age would you let DS go to bathroom/locker room alone?

[Melbel]

My DS is 8 now and I am still reluctant to let him use bathrooms or locker room facilities alone. In the news, a man was recently arrested for taking pictures and peeking at young boys in an upscale beach club locker room. We happen to be members at a sister property where the same man was previously reported for engaging in similar behavior, but he was not caught at the time.

About 1.5 years ago, my son (then 6) was briefly with me in the locker room in an area away from the changing areas when I was confronted by a 60 something not attractive naked lady who scolded me for having my son with me. I actually stood my ground and retorted that it would be tantamount to child neglect to allow a young boy to use a shower facility alone in the men's room. The evil naked lady reports me to the club (official cut off is 5), but they do not seem to care. Considering what recently happened at this same club, I am so happy that I stood my ground. You never get a second chance at maintaining a child's innocence.

Of course, DS is not getting any younger and at some point I will have to give in and let him go alone when DH is not with us. At this point, I do not take him in locker rooms where he would definitely see changing women based upon the layout. In public restrooms, where everyone would still have privacy, I still bring him in. What would you/do you do?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I actually stopped going to my JCC because they set 5 as the age where boys couldn't go with their moms to the locker rooms (the same discrimination didn't apply to girls for some reason). Last year I got the moms on here to help me draft a letter to my JCC about this policy and why I did not think it was a good one. I admit that I have yet to mail it as I just chose to stop going. The pool just opened and I am waiting tyo see if the policy is still in effect and if it is I plan to send the letter to advocate for the parents that are still there. Our new club says to just use your own judgement.

At 8 some things would factor into my decision. At our JCC the locker rooms were huge and I knew I wouldn't be able to hear ds if he were in certain parts of it so I was uncomfortable with that. At our new club. the locker room is teeny tiny so if I stood outside the door I could easily carryon a conversation with him. I feel more comfortable with that kind of set up and would probably be ok sending him at 8+yo.

Good for you for standing your ground. Your child's safety is far more important than someone else's modesty, imo.

Beth

[jayali]

This is a very interesting question. When my nephew was about 8 and we were in a mall my sister in law waited outside the bathroom at Neiman Marcus. When my nephew didn't come out in a reasonable amount of time my sister in law walked right into the mens room, announcing her entrance on the way in. I was mortified and not having children at the time never realized the "danger" in him being in a mens room alone. BTW he had to make poop but never told my sil so he was sitting in a stall and was completely mortified his mother came in after him, her reaction "one more thing he will have to tell his therapist".

So now DS is 4 and I constantly think back to that incident 10 years ago and wonder what I will do. I think that 5 is too young of a cutoff in the locker room and quite honestly I am not sure what I would do. Probably just ignore the rule and continue to protect my son.

[wendmatt]

I hate to say it and it's easy for me to say because I have a girl but I think 8 is a bit too old to take into changing rooms (sorry don't want to upset anyone). At most of the places we've been to lately they have family changing rooms so you can take your boys/girls/dads together. We went to a lovely new one that has big shower stalls with changing rooms so we went in there with my nephew and sister and DD and I had a shower room and Sister and her DS had a room. It's a toughie. If DD wants to go out of the toilet stall where I am in or go in on her own, I make her sing or hum while she's washing hands so I can hear her. Last year a lady took her 2 boys into the changing rooms at our local pool and I felt very uncomfortable (and I'm not prudish) and I think they were around 7-10 and I felt they were too old to be there.

[o_mom]

I hate to say it and it's easy for me to say because I have a girl but I think 8 is a bit too old to take into changing rooms (sorry don't want to upset anyone). At most of the places we've been to lately they have family changing rooms so you can take your boys/girls/dads together. We went to a lovely new one that has big shower stalls with changing rooms so we went in there with my nephew and sister and DD and I had a shower room and Sister and her DS had a room. It's a toughie. If DD wants to go out of the toilet stall where I am in or go in on her own, I make her sing or hum while she's washing hands so I can hear her. Last year a lady took her 2 boys into the changing rooms at our local pool and I felt very uncomfortable (and I'm not prudish) and I think they were around 7-10 and I felt they were too old to be there.


Yes, it is easy to say when you have girls. You don't have to worry about the men in the locker rooms (statistically the vast majority of child molesters are men), sending them in by themselves or leaving them unsupervised while you change.

If a place has family changing rooms, that is a whole different situation. Unfortunately, many place either do not have them at all or the only acess to the pool area is through the single sex changing rooms. Oh, or my favorite - a place that caters to families and has *one* family room that has two doors and nobody ever remembers to unlock the second door when they leave.

At this point, DS1 is almost 5. I would never send him in a changing room by himself. The other half of the equation is that I would not leave him outside while I was changing either. That is way too long for him to be unsupervised, especially near water. At swimming lessons, I dress him before we go so I just have to take off his shirt and crocs poolside. Afterwards we just go into the women's locker room and I change him there. There are no family rooms.

When he is 8, I don't know how I will feel. He is way behind on social skills, so it is very possible that he would not even go on his own at that age, let alone be safe.

[bubbaray]

Is there a family change room or handicapped washroom you could use?

Our YMCA has a family change area, that is co-ed. When DH is there with the girls, or we are there as a family, that's where we go. When its just me and the girls, I go to the girls changeroom (or, sometimes the ladies, if the the girls is super crowded -- shhhh, don't tell).

[kransden]

I use the public pool. I feel safe sending my 5 yr old dd to use the bathroom by herself, but I would not if she was a boy at the same facility. I think 8 <i>might </i>be my cutoff, depending on the venue. Too many preverts out there.

As for using the women's room, I think it is all about respect. The mom that brings her older boy in with her changes him in the bathroom stall and has him sit by the front of the locker area while she changes. He sits quietly and looks down at his hands. (Poor thing is pretty uncomfortable.) She has a little less privacy, but he doesn't surprise anyone either. If he was up running around or eyeing the women, I would make a complaint, but he doesn't. So my advice is to give him some tips on how to cope with the women's room so everyone is happy.

[Melanie]

Good question. I'm starting to wonder that myself as Ds nears age 7. I think before I had kids of a 7 yo boy was in the women's bathroom, I might have been bothered by it. Of course now, I can't see sending him in alone, nor would he even want to! Luckily more and more places are having 'family' bathrooms or if in a big shopping place I will often select someplace to take us that only has one bathroom so there is no issue. We dont' go to a place with locker rooms right now, so I'm not sure what i would do. I think back int he day when I used to belong to one, pre-kids, it said AGE FOUR! Can you believe it!? And then said something about a staff member would be happy to assist your child. On one hand, at least they are recognizing you wouldn't want your child in there "alone," OTOH just b/c someone works at a gym doesn't make them fit to help DRESS my child!

Anyway, as an odd aside, we have a fairly new shopping center with a big family room. Inside the family room are two separate closed-door bathrooms with the whole big toilet/little potty & big sink/little sink fixtures. Sort of like a typical "one-seater" bathroom, but set up for a parent/child situation. They're identical. One has a women's room sign and the other a men's room sign. INSIDE the family room. Explain that one to me?

[Melbel]

When DS was younger, I thought that age 8 sounded about right. Now that we are here, he still seems far too young. I do not have the same concerns with DD1, even though she is only 6.

Overall I try to balance my safety concerns with the privacy concerns of others. At the beach club, there is a family area, but only to age 5. DS is a quieter, gentler, shy type boy and does not look around or act up. In the last couple of years, I have him use the family area shower with my help to speed things along and then actually have him exit through the pool door to avoid having to even walk through the main locker room. Then he waits for me and DD1 on a bench near the front desk staff when he is done. There is no door separating the family/main locker room areas (just a passageway), so maybe this could be a suggestion for the club.

Incidentally, the evil naked woman was not in the process of changing. She wanted to walk around and use the hot tub naked (eeeew) which I assure you was not a pretty sight. There are private changing areas for those who are modest. As another aside, the pervert who was recently arrested has been going to the club for years so there is no telling how many victims there are. When he was caught, the dad was in the locker room with his sons (age 8 and 3) but had stepped away for a moment to get towels located nearby, which shows you how quickly bad things can happen. His boys' nude pictures could have been posted on the internet had he not been there.

On the other hand, where we attend swim team, there is no discrete way to bring him into the women's locker room, so I have let him go into the men's area alone. I have him go into a stall to use the bathroom and change (winter only) and have given him clear instructions on not talking to an adult, and to tell me if someome tries to approach him. When possible, I send him in with a friend. Meanwhile, I probably could not hear him unless he really screamed, so I am outside pacing like a mad woman until he comes out. In public bathrooms, nobody's privacy is being compromised by having him come in with me (separate stalls) so why should I have to send him into the men's room alone assuming there is no family bathroom available?

[o_mom]

On the other hand, where we attend swim team, there is no discrete way to bring him into the women's locker room, so I have let him go into the men's area alone. I have him go into a stall to use the bathroom and change (winter only) and have given him clear instructions on not talking to an adult, and to tell me if someome tries to approach him.

Just an aside - in winter, we still dress at home for swimming. I have them put on their trunks and then sweatpants over them. Then we just undress poolside. Doesn't help you for afterward, but would eliminate half your stress. :)

[Melbel]

Just an aside - in winter, we still dress at home for swimming. I have them put on their trunks and then sweatpants over them. Then we just undress poolside. Doesn't help you for afterward, but would eliminate half your stress. :)

ITA! We definitely dress at home or even in the SUV for practice, but I do not want to take them out in cold temperatures in a wet bathing suit. Even in the winter, if the temperature is warm enough, they go home wet in their bathing suits! Fortunately, we do not live very far from the pool.

[g-mama]

This is tough. We go to the pool almost every day in the summer. Many of my friends have girls and they all shower off before leaving the pool, eliminating the need to do it at home afterwards. Having three boys (and one of them is 7.5), I can't do that and so we go home in wet suits and have to shower at night.

Not to mention the safety reasons, I can't see sending the 7 and 4 year olds into the mens room together unsupervised for the fact that they would probably be either messing around or fighting in there - LOL.

It would be so much easier if we could do it all together, but that's the deal when you have boys.

As far as using the toilet, both of my older two go in alone while I'm in the pool with the toddler, but they are in such a hurry to get back in the pool, they're back in about 30 seconds. If they were longer than, say, 1 minute, I'd know something wasn't right.

[salsah]

In public bathrooms, nobody's privacy is being compromised by having him come in with me (separate stalls) so why should I have to send him into the men's room alone assuming there is no family bathroom available?

i agree. restrooms are a non issue. although family restrooms are great and should be mandatory everywhere. as should family shower / dressing rooms at gyms and clubs. but if you don't have that option i also think that you should keep him with you. i would be uncomfortable if i was changing in a locker room and an 8 year old boy came in. however his safety his more important than my comfort. so in that situation i would make an effort to be discreet, (i used to swim and play water polo in high school so i am used to doing deck changes) and i would hope that the mother of the boy would ensure that her son is not walking around checking out everyone.

[mamicka]

I don't know what age would be appropriate. But no matter what age, my child's safety comes *way* before anyone being uncomfortable. To be blunt - I don't care about my *child* making anyone uncomfortable as long as my child isn't gawking.

We always use family changing rooms when available. We wouldn't use a club that enforced a set age limit in the changing rooms. IMO, it should always be up to the parents to decide. If I were uncomfortable with someone else's child seeing me change, I'd either wait until they left or move. Same as if there's a particularly curious woman in the changing room.

[kmak]

I think when they start driving then I'll have to let DD & DS go to the restroom/locker room alone. Ok, maybe that's a smidge unrealistic.

But, some people we know through my mother have three DCs. They were eating at a Chick-fil-a. The oldest DS (about 10 at the time) went to the restroom by himself. When he didn't return in a reasonable time the mom went into the mens room. There was an older man blocking the door so her DS couldn't get out and the man was entertaining himself. He never actually touched her DS, but it was definitely enough to require a lot of therapy.

So, that's why I'm leaning toward the teen years.

Luckily our rec centers have lots of family changing rooms. Lots of letters to facilities about providing such or loosing business is the way I would go.

[niccig]

That poor child. That's it, I'm going to take DS with me for as long as I can. When he wants to go alone, I'm going to stand at the door of the restroom loudly announcing as he goes in, that I'm waiting right there for him. I may even prop the door open a little with my foot so I can keep yelling out to him. And I'll do this until he's well into his teenage years. I saw a lady doing this at Target, anytime the door opened for someone to go in/out, she was yelling out to her son to hurry up.

It reminds me of my Dad when he took us long distance driving in his semi-truck. At depots when there was only a male restroom, he would go in, check it out, let us go in and then stand in front of the door not letting anyone else in until we were done. Even at truck stops with a separate ladies restroom, he would stand outside at the door waiting for us.

As for the YMCA, DS can go into the girls with me until he is 6 yo. Then he has to use the boys locker room. Children aren't allowed in the mens/ladies locker rooms. They do have a family room, but you still have to walk through the girls/boys/womens/mens to get to the pool. I'll have him walk straight through the boys locker room to the pool, and then afterwards we can change in the family locker room or at home.