How would you feel about this? DH losing temper

[hillview]

DH has lost his temper 2x in the past few months. Not a lot by any stretch. We have 2 DSs aged 3 years and 10 months. Once DH was changing DS #1 and he got poop on him as DS was not being cooperative. DH swore/yelled -- he didn't swear AT DS per se but it was definately in anger. We talked about it and he apologized etc. Today I was trying to get DS #1 to take a nap and he was up about 10 times (no joke) and eventually woke up DS #2. I wasn't happy either but DH was downstairs and yelled "what the f**k" really loudly. DH has never lost it like that other than these 2 times. The first time I really just thought well it happens. Now I am not sure if he has an issue here. Anyone have any thoughts? Is this no big deal? I talked to DH a couple times about it and he was really sorry and said it would never happen again etc.

I should say that I do lose my patience on occasion (who doesn't) but it usually turns into DS taking a time out or me leaving the room. I usually try to tell DS that I am losing my patience etc so that eventually he will get what that means. I occasionally yell or shout at him to get off a table or not hit his brother which isn't my ideal parenting thing but it is never swearing at him or calling him a name. I guess what bothers me is the swearing which we really DON'T do around the kids (occasionally someone will when we stub a toe etc). but never at the kids and never ever at each other (DH has NEVER sworn at me).

Sorry to ramble! Thanks to anyone for sharing thoughts.
/hillary

[kijip]

People do lose their cool from time to time but I think the key is not directing the anger at the child or at a rather ordinary situation. Your tactic of taking a time out/walking out of the room is the best thing if he feels he is going to do something he regrets.

One thing that helps is knowing what is ordinary kid behavior/development and reminding himself that it will pass (both the infuriating behavior and the anger). If I am around my spouse and one of us is on our last nerve, the other intervenes to let the upset one cool down a little. If we are alone we do the walk away tactic if feasible, even calling the other one to say ugh for a second. I'll pause sometimes and silently count before I respond if something is totally bothering me with my son. Then I will picture what I want to say and what I should say. :ROTFLMAO: That usually only takes less than 30 seconds total and then I can proceed even when walking away is not an option. It's not a perfect system but it allows us to not say or do anything hurtful to our son on the occasions we start to wear out. We used to use timeouts for him but realized they were futile recently so have started changing the scene and focusing in on something new or just talking him down from whatever emotional edge HE was on (the highs and lows of 4 year olds!) Yesterday, I was squatting (only the toes and balls of my feet were touching the floor) in the kitchen getting bowls out from a lower cabinet. Toby was anxious to get my attention and marched up to me and said SEE MAMA and put his hands on my torso with enough force that I fell backwards. If falling on my behind was not enough, I fell against the wide open lower cabinet door and the door broke at its hinges. My first thought was that my son had just pushed me intentionally and I was mad. But I realized he had not touched me to knock me down, he had been trying to get my attention. After I got up from the floor I took a few breaths and did the counting thing. I calmed down enough in a few seconds to caution him against leaning on people or pushing them, even by accident but was able to keep from screaming something along the lines of WTF did you do that for??! :)

He (your DH) has to find away to channel his anger effectively so that he does not scare or hurt the kids. I still remember the times my parents lost it and called us names or whatnot. Those names cut me to my very core, even though my parents were both mostly loving and well intentioned.

[hillview]

Katie thanks! I agree.

I think part of what really has me wondering is that DH was DOWNSTAIRS away from the kids (working on his computer) when he yelled like that. He wasn't even in the mix per se. He had tried to put DS down one of the 10 times and I did the other ones. It just seemed so -- unprovoked. Sure it is annoying but it isn't the same as when DS is RIGHT in your face and smiling while annoying you etc if you KWIM.
/hillary

[npace19147]

IMO if you are concerned about it then it automatically is a problem, regardless of what others might think. It is your marriage after all, and you have to decide what you are comfortable with.

Does your DH see this as a problem too? Did his parents curse around him, or at him? How old are your children - are they absorbing any of the language?

I think you need to talk to your DH again, and try to explain why this is bothering you so much. And if your DC's are old enough to understand that daddy is yelling at them, then he needs to apologize to them as well. Maybe that will help bring it home to him that he is having an impact on your children. GL!

[lizajane]

um, my DH loses his cool a LOT more than twice a month. he doesn't swear around the kids. ever. but he doesn't really swear in general. but he does get super "mean and scary" sounding. i usually shoo him away from the kids and take over. DH doesn't have anger problems, he has (IMHO) ADD and it is very hard for him to deal with the chaos. i would try to see if there is something else going on with DH that has him on edge- anxiety from work, family situations (like his parents), not enough exercise, not having enough time with you alone...

[ThreeofUs]

You know, swearing in our household (even under pressure) is taken as a sign of anxiety, high frustration, and/or need to eat.

For example, I'm doing my best to keep my blood sugar up - this means eating about every hour or two. If I don't, I am more likely to react inappropriately to minor problems or frustrations. DH has figured this out, and we decided that I would drop whatever I was doing at the time, he would take over, and I would eat.

I think Liza had the right idea: take it as a sign of underlying stress and see if something else is going on with your DH.