Discipline for a 7 yr old, wwyd????

[Pennylane]

My dd has began acting out a lot lately. She is normally a really easy going child, but has started talking back to us and is not being very nice to her siblings. I have tried "traditional" forms of punishment, taking things away, sending her to her room, etc. Nothing much seems to affect her and her behavior is not improving.

When I was younger, my parents used to make me write sentences when I did things wrong. Ex: "I will not talk back to my parents". The older we got, the more sentences we wrote.

Do you think this is mean to do to my dd?? I was thinking about starting off with like 10 sentences.

Any other suggestions are appreciated.

Thanks ,
Ann

[Piglet]

I tried something similar with DS1. He did something outright dumb and I made him write me a letter why it was a very bad idea. He was not allowed to play until he wrote the letter. I think it worked - he has never done anything like it since. Otherwise, I really try to use natural consequences whenver possible. He is smart enough to understand consequences. When I was a kid, my parents "grounded" me with no TV. TV was the thing I liked most, so it was quite effective. For my DS, the thing he enjoys most is books, and yes, I have told him that he wasn't allowed to read until he did what was required of him (that is a weird thing to say to your kid - no reading until xxx). Ultimately with discipline, different things work for different kids and if your DD responds to writing lines, then by all means, use it as needed.

[lizajane]

what's going on in her world these days?

if she is talking back to you and her siblings, could she be having some jealousy issues over attention? can you give her some extra attention for a few days or plan an activity for just the two of you? my kids act out when they want attention, as they will take negative attention over no attention.

yesterday, schuyler's friend said something that hurt his feelings, so he yelled at him and spashed him with his hands and by kicking his feet. i sat him out of the pool and talked to him about what happened, recognized his feelings were hurt, asked him what he could have done INSTEAD of splashing and yelling and made sure i was clear that we do NOT hurt people back when they hurt us. after this discussion and time out of the pool, he returned to playing and even approached his friend and told him his feelings were hurt by what he said earlier. the friend acknowledged him and they both moved on. so while schuyler DID have a time out away from the activity, we used that time to work on learning what went wrong.

[pinkmomagain]

I second everything that Liza said. That was the first thing that came to my mind....jealousy. It sounds like she's mad/hurt about something and it many not be whatever is on the surface (what she's being fresh about). JMHO, from personal experience.

[Melbel]

Ann,

DD1 was acting out in a similar fashion after DD2 was born. Normally, it is most effective to discipline her by withholding privileges. However, under the circumstances, rather than getting into a battle of the wills, we worked on getting to the root of the problem, jealousy. We spent more time talking about things. We also made time for some 1:1 QT and implemented more positive reinforcement. Finally, we made sure she was getting enough sleep, which has a huge impact on her behavior. Writing sentences certainly couldn't hurt! HTH!

[egoldber]

I don't know how old your other kids are, but my almost 7 year old definitely does thongs like that when she is feeling jealous.

Also, I'm wondering what her summer is like after the routine of school being over? I find that Sarah gets cranky with too much unscheduled time. And she's also very tired with camp, swimming, etc.

[randomkid]

I think part of it may just be age. I remember with both of my stepdaughters that 7-8 years old was a difficult time. Just what you describe - talking back, not being nice to siblings, etc.

I agree with PPs though to try to help her identify the problem. I'm wondering if this is an emotional age, but that they just can't figure out what is wrong, so they act out, KWIM? We would privately sit down with the "problem child" and try to help her figure out her feelings. We would just say something like "We've noticed a lot of xyz behavior and wonder if something is wrong". Usually talking it out really helped. Then, we would have a family meeting to discuss the situation and work out a plan. Turns out this was a great strategy because they always knew that a family meeting was serious business and change was expected.

Now, as teenagers, we don't have family meetings as often, but did have to have one recently and they really take it seriously. We have seen the best results with this as they are able to air their issues/feelings, then we all come up with a plan to make things better. They hate it, but it works.

[kransden]

As a punishment here is my suggestion. As a substitute teacher, we talk about the bad behavior and then I make them write what they did wrong, and what they should have done instead. I find that works better than sentences.

As to the why this is going on, op seem to have some really good ideas.

[Pennylane]

Thanks for all the advice. The thing is, I've talked to her a lot about why she is acting out. Since she started school last year, I know she feels like she is missing out on a lot at home....Although she really isn't ! My DH and I try to do special things just with her on the weekends. I think that is why it is so frustrating to me that she seems so angry. I sometimes wonder if she isn't sleeping enough, but she goes to bed at 8 and is up around 7. Shouldn't that be enough??

I am going to try the writing next time we have an incident and see how she reacts to it.

I also love the idea of a family meeting and writing letters instead of sentences too!

Thanks again!

Ann

[thomma]

In terms of developmental stages, I've found the Your (insert # here) Year Old series by Ames and Haber to be helpful. I've been working with 7 turning 8 year olds for almost 20 years and your post sounds like a lot of conversations I've had with parents throughout the years.


Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[randomkid]

Thanks for all the advice. The thing is, I've talked to her a lot about why she is acting out. Since she started school last year, I know she feels like she is missing out on a lot at home....Although she really isn't ! My DH and I try to do special things just with her on the weekends. I think that is why it is so frustrating to me that she seems so angry. I sometimes wonder if she isn't sleeping enough, but she goes to bed at 8 and is up around 7. Shouldn't that be enough??

I am going to try the writing next time we have an incident and see how she reacts to it.

I also love the idea of a family meeting and writing letters instead of sentences too!

Thanks again!
Ann


I think 11 hours should be plenty for a 7 year old. I also like the idea of writing letters as that is more meaningful and may help her sort out her feelings.

I think what works about the family meeting is that it gets them to consider others' feelings and to express their feelings to each other. I don't know the ages of your other DCs, but for us, a family meeting means everyone is there.

Since you have tried making special time for her and it doesn't seem to be working, another approach may be to ask her to come up with a solution. Maybe you've already done this, but we have found that asking them what they need/want usually gets better results.

Let us know how it goes.