Do you have a working late / check in policy?

[firstbaby]

DH and I both work - I work from home, DH has a lengthy commute. We have a nanny that has a start time and an end time. I expect her to be on time (which she is) and I try to have her off work as punctually as possible. Granted, here and there, she may work a few minutes late, but I don't make it a habit because I respect her time.

DH is HORRIBLE about letting me know when / if he is working late, if his commute is going badly, etc. I honestly don't care what time he works until, but a little communication would be so appreciated. I can't work until whatever time I wish / want / need to, and I don't think he thinks about it. Every night, I am juggling after hours work calls, making dinner, and playing with the kids until whatever time he gets home.

He is struggling to understand why I am so frustrated with him since he's not "choosing" to get home so late, but with last minute meetings, meetings that go late, traffic, he feels it is out of his control. He has a black berry and I feel it would be so simple to shoot me an email even if he can't break out of a meeting to call me and let me know it will be a late night. Today, he had a meeting "come up" at 2pm that didn't break until 6:30pm. He finally emailed me once I called his cell phone twice at 6:15 to find out when he would be home.

So, I am curious, do any of you have an understanding or "policy" with your spouse / partner about when you come home from work and/or working late? I need to figure out an amicable way to solve this and stop the frustration. Please don't move this to the bitching post. Yes, I don't like DH right now :) but I do want to get input on what others do. Thanks!

[schums]

I'm a SAHM, so my situation is a little different, but DH calls almost every night to let me know when he's on his way. If he's going to be significantly later than normal (and he knows ahead of time), he'll definitely call/e-mail (no Blackberry even) to let me know. If he's stuck in a meeting that's running long (like delaying him by 1/2 or more leaving), he'll generally step out and give me a quick call.

I'd be really unhappy in your situation,to me it's just common curtesy to let someone know when you're going to be later than usual.

[pb&j]

DH's schedule changes daily, and sometimes the plans we talked about at breakfast have radically changed by lunch. We do a check-in in the early afternoon, when he usually has his afternoon/evening schedule figured out. He also will usually call once he's on his way home, especially if he's later than he thought he'd be.

[Melaine]

I'm also a SAHM, but I don't think that's really relevant anyway. My husband is all too aware that if he is late I immediately assume he's been in a car accident or fell into a manhole or the bridge collapsed or something even more freakish. Of course, I do have an anxiety disorder, but still...I agree that it's common courtesy and I think we should make it a priority to let each other know our status periodically. DH usually calls me once he gets into the car, so if I haven't heard from him, he must be somewhat tied up. If he's unusually late, he will let me know ASAP.

[linsei]

No mentioned policy, but I do think it is a common courtesy to let the other person know that you are (in your case - he is) running later than anticipated.

I would be annoyed.

eta that as a teenager, if I were running late, my mom would come *looking* for me. Very embarrassing. Maybe that is why I think it's important to notify the other person!

[BeachBum]

Absolutely. My husband usually calls me at 4pm to let me know when he thinks he will be home. Then he typically calls when he first gets in the car in case I need him to pick up something on the way.
I SAH, but I always call him if I am doing something out of the ordinary like making a trip to the town an hour away, or out and about when he typically gets home.

IMO, calling/ checking in is just considerate. I would be super annoyed if DH didn't "get it".

[WatchingThemGrow]

DH knows that anything later than 10 or so minutes must be cleared in advance. It's not that I'm harsh, but he knows I'm doing my best to have a decent meal prepared for the family. If he's late and I'm trying to prepare everything during the DCs' witching hour, it will take much more effort to calm the family/recover once he is home.

From watching a friend in a situation similar to yours, I'd make a policy now (kindly, with emotion) to change the pattern into something that works for all of you. It sounds like you don't this going on for the next 10 years.

[brittone2]

Always, LOL.

He has meetings 1-2 times a week that are usually done by a reasonable time. On those nights, he always calls once he's on his way home since the time the meeting wraps up can vary (anywhere from 5 to 6pm ). I find it helpful for planning dinner.

On non-meeting nights, if he doesn't call, I assume he'll be home at his usual time (within plus or minus 20 minutes I'd say).

[caheinz]

We both work out of the house, but I have pick-up and drop-off duties because the daycare is close to my work, while DH takes public transportation (combinations of bike-bus-train-walk).

That said, DH emails me daily to tell me when he's leaving work -- and will send another message if he gets caught on the way out of the office. If he knows I'm away from the computer already, he'll call or text if he's going to be late. (He has a blackberry, I only have a "normal" cell phone.)

It's always been this way. Before DS, I would often work long, long hours. I would always let DH know what was up as best as I could. (Now I just work those hours at home after DS is asleep...)

I think it's common courtesy. Being pregnant (with twins, so even more hormones) now, it would drive me nuts, since my mind jumps to the worst case scenario every time...

[HIU8]

DH has a pretty long commute daily. He will always call me when he has gotten in his car and even when he has gotten on the highway (to let me know it's packed and not to expect him for 1.5-2 hours). This is going to change August 1st since DH got a new job that is only 7 miles from home. I don't ask him to call, so let's see if he still does this.....

[August Mom]

DH is very good about communicating in this area. He has a standard time that he plans to leave and always calls me when he is getting ready to leave or just gets in the car. If something comes up, he will call or e-mail me. Rarely a meeting goes way longer than expected. In that case, he calls me as soon as he is able or if it's a phone conference, he'll e-mail me during the meeting. If I don't hear from him by about 15 minutes or so after his typical departure time, then I just wait and don't start dinner.

[hillview]

My DH is like yours. The best I get is sometimes a response when I email him and ask when he will be back. I do get that his job is just like that. Before kids it didn't really bother me -- I was as guilty as he was often. Not with 2 kiddos it is different for me and for him too just not as different :)

I now assume he will be home when he gets here and I don't wait for him for dinner etc. I will email him (I have a blackberry so this is easy for me). When we will be eating. Also I do ask him often when he will be home (via email) and maybe get a response 50% of the time which ends up being accurate 50% of the time (note to self, stop asking).

I know he isn't doing it out of spite so I try to deal with it as best as possible. That said, it is hard and sometimes it gets a little grouchy around here :)

Good luck -- I will be watching this thread!!
/hillary

[bethie_73]

I am a WAHM also. So I feel for you. I expect DH to be home by a certain time (factoring traffic). If he is not he better text, email, or call me. I have no issue with DH working late either, but evenings that I am expecting him home, I need him to be here (especially if I have a late call with a client). On the other hand, he would expect the same from me.

In my mind it's a respect issue. DH really enjoys his job, and he excels at it. That makes me happy, but that doesn't make his job more important than mine. Which is how it feels when he doesn't show up when he is supposed to. Since I am "home" it is a different dynamic. He wonders why I can't get cleaning done during the day too, but that is a whole other post :rolleye0014:

[niccig]

My DH does not have a finishing time. He can walk in the door early 7pm, or late 2am. We normally get on iChat at around 5pm and if he knows, he'll tell me if he'll be home for dinner, DS gets on too to say goodnight if he won't be home. But if that changes, he normally doesn't let me know. For his work, he's often on the fiber with a client at a studio and 2 producers in his office, so he can't always call or send me an IM. I wish he could just step out to do so, but he normally has 2-4 people having him put in editing changes on the fly, and sometimes he has had to beg to go to the bathroom. It annoys me. I've learned to deal with it. I don't expect him home for DS's bed routine or for dinner. I cook a meal for the 3 of us, I either eat with DS or later on when DH gets home. I do everything for DS to get him ready for bed. If DS walks in the door, great, if not we do it ourselves. If he doesn't eat, I have leftovers for lunch the next day. I do think it's common courtesy to call, and I think I'll start to do that, he can call from the car on his way home. No excuse then to not call.

[lizajane]

i ask DH to call me if he will be later than 6pm. he usually comes home between 5:30 (early end) and 6:30 (late end). don't be jealous, he leaves the house as early as 5:30am...

because he never seems to remember to call or gets distracted, i usually call HIM around 4:30 or 5pm to say in a cheery voice, "what's your day looking like? do you think you will home around 5:30 or more like 6?"

i am at home, but we need to feed kids at 5:30, so i want to know if he is coming at dinner time, if we should hold it a little late, or if he can even make dinner if i am exhausted.

[hez]

DH and I generally touch base several times a day (via phone or IM), so it's not normally an issue. A friend of a friend lost her husband when he was driving home (intoxicated) so my DH is aware that I can get worked up easily if he's late and hasn't told me he was going to be.

[lisams]

DH has always called when he's running late. He knows that I would be worried about him if he wasn't home at his regular time and he knows I like the heads up to make dinner a little later.

[squimp]

It was like that when DD was first born. I quickly let him know that he should call or be home by a certain time. It was 7 p.m., but now it's 6. I must admit that it's not that I'm worried about his safety, but we eat together, and if I'm going to make dinner for him I didn't want to sit around waiting indefinitely. Also, when I was home all the time, I really did need him to come home and give me a break! I wanted to be on a somewhat regular schedule for DD's sake, and we like to have dinner as a family every night. It's really worked for us.

[ShanaMama]

I like to know when DH is coming home for the same reasons as pp- heating up/ waiting to eat dinner, DD's bedtime, etc. I usually call him around 4 or 5 to get an idea of his schedule, but the nature of his business is that he can tell me he'll be home in 20 mins and show up an hour later. He does have the courtesy to call/ text me whenever he can if there's a change.
The only actual 'policy' that we have regards calling each other. He gets very annoyed by people who call over & over again in a non urgent situation. Often, one of us can't take the call when the other one calls. So our deal is that if he sees I've called he will call me back as soon as reasonably possible. Same goes for me. If I have something urgent to discuss with him I'll call twice in a row. Seeing me on caller id the second time indicates that it's important and he will take my call- practically no matter what. This deal goes both ways & neither of us abuse the 2 call rule.
One funny story: DH has 3 cell phones (!!) including his Blackberry. I once tried calling him on his personal one & didn't get a return call for over 1/2 hour. I texted his work phone & finally called his Blackberry. By then I was frantic. Every possible explanation was losing credibility. (Left one phone in his truck, Verizon service is down, Palm is dead, etc.) When he finally called me back I was in tears. Turns out he was in a meeting in a former bank vault which is now an office. There is NO service in there- at all. He did not get a single one of my calls or texts. He now lets me know when he'll be in a meeting in that particular office, LOL!

[elektra]

I have pretty much the same exact situation as you. I work from home full time with a nanny here with a set start and end time. DH and I actually do talk at least once throughout the day and he usually comes home between 6 and 7:30. We don't have a set end time but if it's past 7 I usually call him. And so maybe by me calling all the time, I have sort of trained him to call me if he's going to be much later than 7.
For me though, it's not the coming late that is upsetting. It's as PP have said, it's the fact that I also work full time, but am expected to be the one to have to stop work at 5pm on the dot and then take over full time parenting duties at 5:01 EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Ex. today DH calls on his way home at around 6:15 saying that he's going to stop at Costco to check out sheds. Would I like to take a 6:15 shopping trip somewhere? Could be, but I don't have that opportunity because that's when I am feeding DD every night.
For me, I've just come to accept that that's how things are (it's still a process though, I do still get upset), and that the alternative could be me working full time and having both of us see less of DD and have even less stuff done around the house, etc.
I think you should talk to your DH about at least calling though.

[JTsMom]

DH calls if he is going to be more than about 15-20 mins later than usual. We've had this same "discussion", so I feel your pain. I think you just have to keep telling him that you understand it's not something he can always control, and you aren't angry about it, but you just want to know if he's safe, and that if the situation is ever reversed, you'll have the same respect for him. Tell him it's a safety issue, and it helps you not worry about him, and also allows you to plan your and DC's evening beter.

I also make sure that when he does call, I don't give him a hard time about being late. Not that I've ever done that before. :innocent: