For those of your with more than 2 DC, what made you decide to have more?

[HIU8]

DH and I are at an impass. I would like to have another DC. He would not. We cannot seem to come to any compromise on the subject. Basically, he has stated that his reasons for not wanting more outweigh my reasons for wanting one more and he refuses to discuss this any further. His reasons are that he is older than me and doesn't want to leave me with 3 DC after he is gone. And he doesn't want to be 70 when a 3rd DC is going to college. I can see his point of view. However, I am simply not happy that I have been left out of this decision and I have told him so. On the other hand, yes, I feel my 2 DC are a handful and I don't know if I could handle another DC right now. However, I just don't like my option being taken away from me. If you have more than 2 DC, how did you decide? If you only have 2 DC what made you stop there?

[cvanbrunt]

We stopped at two basically for the reason your DH is giving. We are "older" parents. I was 36 and 38 when I had my girls. DH is now 41. We are tired. I think if we had started earlier (we were married for 10 years before DD#1) we would have been more receptive to the idea of more kids.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We are stopping at 2 unless we get some major change of heart in the far distant future which I do not see happening. I have my 10 year IUD in place and we should be set! Our reasons for stopping are mostly practical and financial- we do not want to have to get a bigger house or car, don't want to pay for private school for that many kids, want to be able to move forward to the next level of our family rather than start again in babyhood... mainly? I think we are better parents with a smaller family. I don't think we are cut out for a big family. Every so often I get a whim to have more (maybe a girl but I think I am destined to have all boys!) but then I remember how hard it is to raise kids and consider my practical reasons and I am able to let that whim just pass. I had thought we were done with 1 but then I got the bug for another. I tried to ride it out but 6 months later it was still present so we went for it. It was unexpected b/c I really felt settled and content with just one!

Beth

[pinkmomagain]

We didn't decide to have a 3rd....she came regardless!
We were done at 2. Honestly, my 2nd had developmental issues and that just took the life out of me. Several years later (you can see the years separating in my signature), we were careless with contraception and she came 9 mos later. Let me say, she is the joy of my life! We are wild/crazy about her. I'm sooooooooo glad I have 3 and if I were younger (I'm 41) I would have gone for a fourth. I came from a family of 2 kids, and honestly, 3+ just seems like more of a party. It's crazy at times, but if I had my third earlier it would have been harder. I think I am having an easier time of things because her sisters are so much older and independent.

I'm sorry you are at an impass with DH. I'm sure I would feel similarly if I were in your shoes. I hope that you guys come to a mutually satisfying decision.


eta: I just want to clarify that I am not going for a fourth at age 41 not because of my concern about being an older mother, but because a fourth pregnancy would be h*ll on my 41 yo body.

[Ceepa]

I hope this doesn't seem to make light of OP's situation, but I found that the more I hang out on a mom's message board the more I get inspired to have additional kids. :D

It's like this cyber company I keep is all about our DC and there are so many warm, inspiring stories of families here with 1, 2, 3, 4+ kids with new pregnancies/births announced all the time that it just seems more natural for me to even consider expanding our brood. Whereas I think a lot of DHs/SOs don't have such a child-centric atmosphere around them all the time (at least my DH doesn't) so maybe they approach the situation much more practically, KWIM? I'm not saying this is the case for everyone (even OP), it's just a thought.

[m448]

we knew we wanted to have more than two. In fact, I'm one of 3 sibs and lean towards 4 kids while hubby is one of 4 and leans towards 3. We'll see what happens after this babe and how we handle it. Honestly, I keep hearing that once you get adjusted to the chaos of 2-3 the others are like not adding more at all.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Heather, you might want to give dh some more time too. Maybe he'll change his tune in a few years and miss having a baby around? Maybe he won't but it could be that they would be too close in age now for his liking?

Beth

[HIU8]

DH is going to be 45 this year. That is the major issue driving this. He was 40 when we got married, 41 when DS was born and 43 when DD was born. I'm 8 years younger so I don't feel done yet. He really does. I understand where he is coming from, but I'm not there yet. That is the problem.

[g-mama]

The thing is, if one half of the couple does not want another child, there is no compromise. My dh wanted another one after our second and I was very unsure. Being the people pleaser that I am, it bothered me terribly that I was "denying" him what he wanted and that there was no middle ground. Either I agreed to it, or I didn't - it's so black and white. I am such a compromiser and mediator by nature. In any other situation within our marriage, I would try to find a way to let him pursue what would make him happy, but in the case of another child, I had a hard time knowing that I was the only reason he couldn't have what he wanted. I doubt men (like your dh) would think about it so much as a woman would and it's not in their nature to be compromisers or people pleasers.

Well, in the end, he agreed that if we had a third baby, he'd be okay with letting me get some help (I'm a SAHM) and so I gave in. :)

[pb&j]

DH is going to be 45 this year. That is the major issue driving this. He was 40 when we got married, 41 when DS was born and 43 when DD was born. I'm 8 years younger so I don't feel done yet. He really does. I understand where he is coming from, but I'm not there yet. That is the problem.

My DH is also 8 yrs older than me. He was 38 when DS was born, and will be 41 when our next comes along. After DS, he was reluctant to have another, esp w/ all we had been through with our first child, who was stillborn at 24 wks. We shared a lot of those concerns, and I went from wanting to have 2 very close in age, to taking 2 yrs to get up the nerve to TTC again.

DH was never dead set against having another, esp since we only had the one living child. We each have a sibling, and he understood my need to give DS a sibling so DS wouldn't be alone in the world. I had never intended to have 3, and had our first child lived, I definitely would have stopped after DS. We had both always assumed we'd have 2, so it took a little mental rearranging to figure out that for us, 3=2. We both had to get there on our own time, and I was definitely ready before he was.

What really helped him embrace having another was becoming friends with another "older" dad. A close family friend of ours had his first when he was 41 and his second when he was 44. Prior to that, DH's friends were mostly single, or were guys just a little older than him who had kids who were already college-age. For him, seeing another guy who he likes and respects go through new fatherhood at 40+ was very enlightening.

[bubbaray]

We stopped at two basically for the reason your DH is giving. We are "older" parents. I was 36 and 38 when I had my girls. DH is now 41. We are tired. I think if we had started earlier (we were married for 10 years before DD#1) we would have been more receptive to the idea of more kids.


:yeahthat:

I was 37 and DH was 40 when DD#1 was born. He would love to have more children (me, I'm D.O.N.E.), but agrees with me that we are o.l.d. and T.I.R.E.D. Can I say that again? We are tired. Really REALLY tired. Having kids in your 40s is a completely different ballgame than having them younger.

I have told DH that I will not be having more biological children (have I said I'm done?!) b/c I'm not going through IF treatments ever again. I am open to the idea of adoption, but am not sure if either of us have the willpower and energy to devote to the process. We both WOTH FT, and with two little children, I can't imagine how we would deal with all the interviews, paperwork, etc..

[HIU8]

We would have to go through IF again as well. I'm still open to it. I'm the one who is not tired yet. DH is. I would be open to adoption or even foster care. DH isn't to hot on either one of those options also. I realize that if we do have #3 I will also be very close to 40. For some reason though, I just don't feel done--just don't feel like my family is complete yet. I've been wrestling with this for awhile. I just can't seem to shake it yet.

[C99]

I always wanted 3, my DH and I had initially talked about having 3, my DH wanted to have all his kids before age 35 (he just turned 35 this year), and well, we were careless w/ contraception.

Those are all my reasons for having #3.

I am absolutely sure that we did the right thing and that if we hadn't had a 3rd, I'd always regret it. Everything about my experience with DS2 was empowering and what I wanted, and he is a joyful little guy. That said, it does stress me out when they are all demanding my attention at the same time. I do also worry about how we're going to get them all through college. And our house is small.

[salsah]

i am (we are) also debating the issue. the reason that we lean more towards having a third than not is i know that while right now i might not want another, years later i will regret not having another. and i will never regret having a third.

[KBecks]

Well, we were in the process of deciding when we got pregnant with #3, so we didn't truly *decide*, it happened. We are very, very happy with two children and were just about to maybe finalize on having only 2 when I became pregnant, but it was also that I was contemplating being spiritually open to more kids in our family and if I wanted to permanently close that door and all the ins and outs of that on a spiritual / religious level.

As I said, we are thrilled with the two kids we have and if we were only meant to have 2, that would be just great.

I think that it's important that in a marriage you agree on the big things, and if you don't both agree to do something, it doesn't happen.

[american_mama]

I come from a family of three kids and kind of always wanted three. I enjoyed the baby phase much more with my second child and felt eager to do it again. DH, coming from a family of two, was relucant with age being one reason (he was just under 39 when our third was born and I am 37). I thought I had explained my reasons to him, but one night, I kind of got on an impassioned roll saying how I felt and that emotion seemed to change it for him. I acknowledged the loss of things - travel was one we specifically talked about - and said I knew I'd miss that, but we wouldn't lose it completely and I still wanted the third anyway.

It also helped me to hear one or two women on BBB mention that they wanted bigger families, but acknowledged that they couldn't do it without hiring help. Revelation: you don't have to do all your regular work plus a new child, all in the same amount of time; you can hire some stuff out. I am still struggling with that, but it's a useful tool if you can pay for some help that will free you to have more time with your kids or spouse. And having the money to do that is often one advantage of being a little older.

I also pointed out to my DH that I knew many older parents. His mother was young when she had him, so he wasn't too familiar with the idea of being X old when his child graduated high school. He also comes from a fairly unhealthy family where a person in their 60's seemed every bit their age and more, but I think our lifestyle and healthcare is better and will help give us a healthier old age.

[fivi2]

We are also wrestling with the decision to have #3. We always planned on two, but then we had twins. Part of me gets sad to think we'll only have one of every milestone (I mean, the girls are their own people, but they will start school on the same day, turn 16 on the same day, most likely graduate on the same day, etc) I am not ready for my family to grow up all at once, I guess. But another part of me likes the fact that our family is growing up(they are 2.5 right now) - I like the fact that vacations are more doable, we are almost out of diapers, etc. When I see friends with a newborn I wonder if I could handle it again. So we are waiting for now. I will be 35 soon, which worries me, but we are putting the decision on hold.

Reading your post, it sounds like you are not sure what YOU want. You mostly seem (understandably) frustrated that your dh is making the decision on his own. Can you pretend in your head that he has agreed and do some soul searching as to whether you really want #3? It looks like your youngest dc is still pretty young. I know that a lot of my friends and I went through serious baby longing when our kiddos were 9-16 months (ish). Once your 2nd turns into an active toddler, you may decide that a third would be too much. (If I am wrong about your children's ages - sorry). But, at the end of the day, if he flat out refuses, I don't know what you can do. I like pp's suggestion of having him talk with other older dads. Good luck with this decision!

[niccig]

We only have one, but we've discussed whether to have no. 2 or not. DH is older and his work keeps him from being with DS. FIL was rarely around for DH's childhood and he doesn't want to have that. Those are DH's main reasons. But we haven't made a final decision. I'm younger than DH, so we have time to wait and see if we change our mind. Maybe you could talk to your DH and agree to not do anything permanently, but see how you feel. We're both happy with the make-up of our family, but if that changes, then we'll change our minds.

[KBecks]

Not to be too morbid, but if he's 45 he may be considering his life expectancy into it. It doesn't help him that Tim Russert (58) and Tony Snow (53) both died recently, both way too young. And I'm supposing they both lived pretty healthy lifestyles.

If I were an older man that would give me pause. Not that many men die in their 50's and god forbid that happen to your family, but not all men make it well into their 70's and 80's. It's morbid to think about but it is a valid concern that he wants to be there for you and the kids, and leaving more kids and a younger kid if he dies in his 60's or 70's would mean a lot of stress.

Then again, he may be worried that having 3 will shorten his life!!!! Actually it's probably just the opposite, the kids keep you young, but..... he has a point about getting older.

[HIU8]

I totally agree and see that. I know he is worried that he won't live until 76 (the age his dad was when he died 2 years ago). He feels that he did some things earlier in his life that will lower his life expectancy and he also feels that since his father and uncle both died of B Cell Lymphoma that he will as well. However, he always talks about how the kids keep him young. then he turns around and says he doesn't know if he has enough life insurance to cover me and 3 kids. Bottom line--DH is a huge worrier. I think about legacy. He thinks about death.

[SASM]

I cannot really say... We just didn't "feel" like our family was complete. DH is the youngest of 5, while I am the oldest of 2. I always knew that I wanted more than 2 b/c my brother and I have always been polar opposites. I figured JIC the same happens for my kids (I pray and pray that this will not happen) someone should hopefully get along. Dh was always comfortable with having three. So...three was the magic number. Our family feels whole and " just right". As much as I love being pregnant, I feel as though I am done.

Good luck, Heather. I hope that you are heard.

[jayali]

We only have 1, but in some ways are in your situation. We are both older, both 45 and while I would have liked to have another my DH was pretty much done. I think he had the same concerns as your husband. He was worried about being on SS and going to college Parents Weekend. The age thing really doesn't bother me. My Dad was 58 when he passed and I was 21 - I was devastated, but came to terms with it. I don't worry about being an old Mom because I find that people are having kids and adopting kids at an older age. I also don't feel like DS is at a disadvantage because we are older.

The previous post summed it up by saying this is not something you can compromise on so I hope that you come to an agreement that you are OK with.

Good luck

[KrisM]

DH comes from a family of 5 kids while I only have 1 brother. We had always talked about 2-4 kids.

After DD (second) was born, we still weren't sure if we wanted more or not. There are so many trivial reasons to stop at 2 - easier in a restaurant, I have 2 hands, easier to not upgrade from a car to a minivan, easier at amusement parks, etc. But, in the end, we decided we just didn't feel done, so we'd have a third. DH thinks that with 3, there are more options for them for playing with each other and that they'll all appreciate that as they get older. I think that 3 just sounds a bit more fun than 2.

Now, we are done. I don't want to be pregnant again and having 4 will make some things much harder - such as we'd have to get a bigger vehicle (we have a Malibu Maxx, now). And, I am 37 and DH is 38 and I think each pregancy I've had has been a bit harder than the others, as I was 2 years older each time.

It's a hard decision. So far, we think we made the right one, but DS2 is only 2 days old :).

[Papa Joe]

We were planning on two, however, with twins coming we are jumping to three. Everything will work out. It seems that it is a balance between being young and old and a balance between the resources.

[american_mama]

I wanted to add one more thing that I think men and women may especially see differently. I've often heard people say that once you have a third child, you (meaning the parents) are outnumbered, or that you change from a man-on-man to zone defense. My third is only 3 months old, so I obviusly haven't yet had to deal with a mobile child, but so far, it is not very different taking care of three than it was taking care of two. I think this is because I, a SAHM, was often alone with two kids, so I've been outnumbered for years. I had to adjust to that when #2 was born, not when #3 came along. But my DH, and perhaps many men, was usually with me when he was with the kids, so it's the third child that suddenly seems like so much more work, because you can't have each parent handle one child.

[salsah]

it is not very different taking care of three than it was taking care of two.

i have heard from people who have four or more, that having one completely changes your life, turns it upside down. having a second is a big adjustment, having a third is a small adjustment, and anymore than that doesn't even make a difference.