WWYD-DD Misbehaving during Playdate- kind of long

[cairo06]

Hi, This is my first post in the lounge. I first came to read about strollers, kept coming for the bargains and stayed for all of the imformative, funny, and caring posts. I'm a SAHM of a 4 yr. old DD and 15month old DS. I live in Germany (my husband is German), but am originally from FL.

I met up with another mother today and she told me that the last time my DD was at her house the kids went over to one of her neighbor's house with kids and my DD threw a fit over there and was "boycotted" from that home. My friend then also admitted that when my DD is over at her house and she requests that the kids clean up after playing, my daughter refuses claiming she is too little. I really wish I had been informed about this sooner so I could have gotten better details about what exactly happened. We've been having behavioral issues with her since I got pregnant with DS and spent the first four months in the bathroom/bed. I've been chucking it up to a combination of things: her age, new baby brother, our recent move, her picking up on some of my unhappiness, but now I'm really concerned.

Its one thing to be disobedient at home, but I'm really saddened and disappointed that she would behave this way as a guest in someone's home.
I searched through some of the old posts and got the names of some books that I will order tonight, but in the meantime does anyone have any thoughts? I'm feeling like a big failure as a parent and she is only 4!

[s_gosney]

Well I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad to tell you this, but this all sounds very familiar. :) I think a lot of it is just being 4.
That said, here is what I would do. (I think) First, I would probably not leave dd for a drop-off playdate for now if at all avoidable. If I had to leave her there, I would only leave her with another parent who had a very similar discipline style to my own and who I felt confident would treat dd kindly but would also enforce boundaries. I would also talk with dd on the way there about appropriate behavior and explain that staying there with her friend and future playdates were contingent on her behavior. (obviously allowing for a few incidents needing reminders and not abolishing playdates forever, if that makes sense).

Sorry if this is scrambled. DS just woke up and is fussing. I'm sure other posters will have good input for you.

Good luck!

[niccig]

I would also tell your friend that she can enforce the boundaries eg everyone cleans up, and that you want to know if you DD does something. It doesn't help to find out so long after the fact.

[AngelaS]

I recently went thru a similiar thing w/my 6 yo. My girls are learning that if another mommy says their behavior is bad that they are in BIG trouble with me.

I would work on her tidying up skills, reminding her that we tidy up at home AND when we go to friends' houses. I would also not let her go on another playdate unless you're tagging along and if she acts up, it's time to go, even if she gets dragged out kicking and screaming.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I would work on her tidying up skills, reminding her that we tidy up at home AND when we go to friends' houses. I would also not let her go on another playdate unless you're tagging along and if she acts up, it's time to go, even if she gets dragged out kicking and screaming.

:yeahthat: I wouldn't do a drop off playdate either till this gets resolved. It could be a couple of years, ime.

Beth

[cairo06]

Thank you ladies for your input. That’s exactly what I was going to do. It’s nice to get some feedback from others that it’s not that unusual. When I talked to DD about it, she still remembered the incident which surprised me since it was at least two weeks ago- I think she must have known she didn't act appropriately and seemed to understand why she couldn't go on anymore playdates unless I could come too. We'll see how long that lasts.

I'm a real worrier. I understand that it’s a difficult age, but I fear that I'm going to miss some critical point and then we'll have lots of problems when she is a teenager. It feels like a big burden on me to try not to mess them up too much so they can grow up to be happy and kind adults.

And in my post I meant to use banned, not boycott. I was thinking about boycotting ebay because of some issues selling a stroller, but that’s a whole other post. Thats what happens when my brain tries to multi-task these days!

[kedss]

hi-
nak

try not to worry too far in the future, just do your best to help her be the best 4 year old she can be, 4 is tough,we are halfway through, and though generally he's pretty easy I'm looking forward to age 5!

big hugs!

[cairo06]

Thank you kedss. I hope 5 will be better too!

[pinkmomagain]

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you are really on top of things. Having older kids, I can tell you that kids are resilient and highly-moldable. As long as you continue to be a hands-on mom, your dd should grow up just fine.

Also wanted to add that I find 4 to be a little on the young side for drop-offs, unless it's someone that you are very close with and dd is really comfortable around. Thinking back to middle dd, I accompanied her on playdates until about 5 yo. This way you can jump in and model appropriate behavior.

[cairo06]

Thank you pinkmomagain. I don't have much of a support group so its nice to hear some words of encouragement. Normally, I don't do drop off playdates. This is DD's best friend from Kindergarten and I know the family well, so although I wasn't quite sure I thought I would give it a try. Guess she is too young, from now on I will come too.