depression issues

[npace19147]

DH and I just had a big fight and I'm venting here, so bear with me...

I'm going through another round of depression, I think. I feel so isolated and lonely away for the summer, I don't know anyone to hang out with and people are friendly but have their own things going on. DD1 is in camp every day until 1pm but it is a long day with no scheduled plans in the afternoon, and during the week when DH isn't here and it's all me until they go to bed - I'm having a tough time with it, esp. with DD1 b/c she's very smart and defiant. I think in a totally normal development way for her age, but it's still hard. I feel like all I do is bribe and threaten.

I'm at the point of feeling like all I can do is keep up with the bare minimum - pick up and drop off, basic meals like mac n cheese, some trips to the pool but a lot of tv, etc. Definitely going downhill this week (and I think my b-day didn't help).

Anyway, DH came up on Thursday night and I was so happy to see him. But then he starts in with the "the house is a mess" "why aren't you eating salad" "have you found a babysitter yet" stuff. And I blew up at him this morning, told him I was sliding into another depression and I needed him to give me emotional support, not try to find solutions to my problems. We were mad at each other all day, sat down tonight to try to resolve it. And I told him that it's not the solutions, those aren't rocket science, yes I know I need to pick up the house and make some phone calls and dump out some precut lettuce. The problem is the complete lack of energy and interest to do those simple things. And he just doesn't get it. Never has, never will. Thinks I should just be able to shake it off and get over it.

It makes me so mad and frustrated. I told him I need hugs and support, not solutions, and he said it sounds to him like I want to wallow in it instead of trying to fix it and get over it. I asked him if he would just tell his mother to get over being diabetic, but he doesn't see the analogy.

So we're still mad at each other. I feel so sad, this is such a big thing for me and he's the most important person in my life and knowing that not only does he not get it, he's making no effort to get it and will not make any effort just makes me feel so rejected. Which is not helping with feeling depressed.

I have been in therapy for years and am on meds now which help, but I still have flareups. DH has been to my therapist with me but it hasn't helped his perspective.

Anyone have any suggestions on how to communicate with my DH? TIA if you've made it this far!

[lilycat88]

Have the two of you done any couples or family therapy together? That would be my suggestion. I see a therapist and my DH and I see someone different for couples counseling on a less frequent basis...every couple of weeks or so. What we have learned is that our communication issues were helping feed depression for both of us. Having a "neutral" party to discuss issues with as a couple really helps us. If he came to a session with me and my therapist, the focus would still be on "my" issues and not on "our" issues as a couple. We have a strong marriage and were never in any danger of breaking up. We had fallen into habits that we weren't even aware of. Like you, the reaction he was having to "my issues" was providing fuel to my depression. Working with a couples counselor is helping each of us gain perspective and understanding about each others issues (he has OCD/anxiety) with the focus staying on how we interact and deal with the issues as a couple and the focus not being on dealing with our individual issues. I don't know if that made sense or not.

If you're having frequent bouts even with meds, it might be worth looking at a different med or a different dose. Hopefully, you are working with a psychiatrist.

[bubbaray]

Men are so infuriating on this issue, no? They want to "fix" things, but what you need is SUPPORT and sympathy. Short of a brick or 2x4 to the head, I'm not sure I have a solution for you on that front.

Can you get a housekeeper?

What about a meal service or healthy take-out?

More importantly, are you exercising??? Can you get your older DD on a bike while you take your younger DD in a stroller? That is my goal for next week, LOL.

[DrSally]

It does sound like your have many of the classic symptoms of depression. How long have you been on the meds? You definitely want to discuss your increase in symptoms with both your therapist and psychiatrist. Depression can be really hard on a relationship and family. Partners often feel helpless and/or angry. You need to focus on getting yourself better, rather than getting DH to "get it". Maybe your therapist can help with that?

[npace19147]

Thanks ladies. Couples counseling is a good thought - not sure if DH would go for it as he's not a big fan of all that stuff, but when he did come with me to my therapist I think he did feel attacked so a neutral party might help.

Melissa - I like the 2x4 idea! :hysterical: We have a cleaning service every other week, so things aren't really dirty, just messy. With two little ones I feel like that's kind of par for the course. I did do a lot of healthy prepared food from Whole Foods back home; there isn't anything like that up here. What I really need to do is a meal plan, but of course that goes back to the energy issue.

I've been doing some exercising, trying to walk with the girls in the double stroller at least once a day. I'm definitely not doing as much walking as I did in the city which is probably a factor too, along with the isolation.

And Sally you are so right, I need to focus on getting better. It's just frustrating to me b/c I feel like since I told DH I need help and support he has withdrawn, leaving me more alone than before.

Thanks again for the input. I know some of this is just minimizing things while waiting for it to run its course.

[bethie_73]

Do the meds seem to help you? I am on a low dosage, and I need to take them or DH really notices. (Depression runs in my family and I've tried counseling etc I truly have a chemical imbalance and the drugs are a godsend for me)

I have notice that if I skip meds a couple of days (I get busy and forget) I get more anxious and DH can tell I'm falling back where I was. I need to be organized, and feel like everything is in control (even if it is messy, as long as I feel organized and in control of it I'm ok) When things start to build up, dirty dishes, piles of toys or if I feel out of control on the mess, the way I'm eating etc Its hard to pull out of.

So I have to say that when I start to shut down (as I put it) I need to focus on one thing I can do and start feeling in control again, then it all falls back into place. DH can't really help me with this. He is very supportive, but I can also start to feel like anything he says is critical especially when I start feeling out of control.

I admit getting out of the house for playdates etc hep alot, but maybe for the time when you are away you can find some other things to help. (Being around people helps me but if it was for the short term that's how I would look at it) I would start planning things for the afternoon, walks, art projects, cooking together. I think more structure may help, but that just me :)

Good luck

[M&Mmom]

I second the couples counseling. I hit rock bottom in grad school, shortly after DH and I got married. He didn't know what he was getting into! :) I started meds and individual therapy then. About a year or so later I told DH that the therapist and I thought we should give couples counseling a try as a lot of my issues were exacerbated by stuff he would do. He agreed ONLY BECAUSE IT MIGHT HELP ME. He wasn't a "believer" and would not go to his own individual therapy but since it was for me he would try it. Well, it was the best thing we ever did. He found out he has a lot of issues too and is now a very willing participant. We also learned many communication techniques and we learned to understand each other better (I go to a certain place when he does something because of my past, not because of him or me) I hope that all makes sense. My point is, if you get him to go by saying it is for you it might turn out to be very beneficial for both of you individually as well as a couple.

[lizajane]

please email me. i would love to talk. (rushing out the door right now.)

[npace19147]

Thanks for the offer Liza, I tried emailing you and it looks like it's disabled on your account. PM'd you but not sure if it went through? Anyway, I appreciate it!