New daycare or stay put? DD is no angel! Sheesh am I a horrible parent?

[MNmomtobe]

I posted here before about being frustrated with DD's situation at her current daycare. She comes home with scratches too often and now more bites.
I visited a daycare last week that DH and I liked. Don't know if it would be better than her current one as far as activities and curriculum and such. We do like all the activites her current daycare offers and DD seems to really enjoy them.

The director at the daycare we visited told us how she had to boot out 2 of the kids for their misbehavior.

Though I am looking for a daycare that WILL be proactive and protect other kids from those that are inflicting physical harm... well, my DD has at times (she's 2) been the one to do the biting.

So now do I move DD due to the scratching and biting (that she gets?) and risk her getting booted too if she misbehaves too much? DD has bitten another child 3 times (that we were told) in the past year.

I am feeling like a bad parent because DD is not great at listening (my head keeps saying "but she's only 2"). If you get close to her face, she can give you a slappy slap action that we reprimand verbally. Nothing seems to work. DD also acts up terribly in restaurants. She yells at the top of her lungs and throws things. When I look around, other kids her age seem to occasinally let out one shriek here and there but mostly seem content.

Thoughts? Should I give Jo Frost a call?

[overcome]

Funny...as I was reading your post I was wondering if you've ever tried any of SuperNanny techniques! A couple thoughts...

are you being too hard on yourself? Perhaps the behavior your daughter is exhibiting is normal 2 year old behavior?

IMHO biting is not a behavior problem that warrants being kicked out of daycare...it is TOTALLY normal and must be dealt with as a developmental issue (caveat...unless the kid is just biting all the time, every day, several different kids, etc).

I really feel for you b/c I am not as thrilled with our daycare as I expected to be, but I've moved her once, and don't want to do so again. Daycare is just, well, daycare and I think if you are really happy with one, you are one lucky duck!

GL

[carolinamama]

First, hugs to you because this is such a stressful issue to deal with for those of us who have been there.

Second, I can only tell you our experience with ds and daycare.

He was in a daycare where he was biting more than your daughter. He was also getting scratched (on his face) and I am sure there were other aggressive behaviors going on. I was told others were also biting and it was just the way it was in daycare, kids will grow out of it and such. We were really upset - I think it's harder having the biter than having the kids who gets bitten. I felt that he was getting labled and I worried that the trend would continue into preschool years and beyond.

Anyway, we moved him. And I specifically asked many questions when looking at other daycares about behavior and how they avoid developmentally appropriate, but undesireable behaviors. Something is working because ds went from biting several times a week (sometimes a day) to not biting at all in the over 1 year he's been at this center.

One thing I have learned about daycare is that you will always have something you don't like about anyplace, but you have to be comfortable with it overall. At this age, I am more concerned with ds learning to play/communicate with other kids, follow directions, and be happy and loved than a specific curriculum. Follow your instincts is my best advise.

Good Luck with your decision.

[jhrabosk]

First, I agree with the others...I'm on my (sigh) third daycare in almost as many years as of this week. I think anyone who loves their daycare 100% is a very lucky parent. Go with your gut about which one seems best to you.

As far as biting and scratching, I just wanted to contribute what I observed in my DD's classroom over the past year. At one point a little over a year ago, just about ALL of the kids were biting. This past fall, when they moved to the next room, they got a teacher who was REALLY good with managing this behavior. Within a few weeks, almost none of the kids was biting or hitting any longer. Part of it was age (they outgrew it), but I really believe part of it was a teacher who took charge of the situation and knew how to handle it well.

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe you need to take a look at how the daycare handles discipline. At the time that most of the biting was happening for us, I didn't feel it was something I could address after the fact b/c she was too young to make the connection...it needed to be handled properly in the moment. I believe that our great teacher made sure someone had an eye on the serious offenders all the time and really emphasized being kind and gentle. She would make sure that the attention went to the injured child and not the biter, etc.

Anyway...a little bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps!

[proudsahmof3]

...it needed to be handled properly in the moment. I believe that our great teacher made sure someone had an eye on the serious offenders all the time and really emphasized being kind and gentle. She would make sure that the attention went to the injured child and not the biter, etc.

I absolutely agree! I think the best way to ensure that discipline/biting problems will be handled properly is to know that there is plenty of adequate supervision. I would want to have a child care that does better than the ratio guidelines - not pushes them to the limits. As the mother of a former biter, I hated that it was happening, but also felt that there was not much I could do since it wasn't happening at home and I couldn't address it immediately when it happened (he was about 20 months) so we pretty much just talked to the teacher about supervision (I won't even go into some of the suggestions I've heard over the years about solving biting issues - unbelievable). Hopefully the teacher/provider knows which children are the biters/bitees (yes, it often seems as though one or two children can be the exclusive targets for biters - they must taste better :) ) and can identify stressors before the biting actually happens and help curb it that way.

This is also a good resource for toddler programs that can be very helpful for child care providers and centers http://search.barnesandnoble.com/No-Biting/Gretchen-Kinnell/e/9781933653563/?itm=1 that you could perhaps suggest if you felt the child care needed more options for handling the biting.

Good luck with your decision! :D

[MNmomtobe]

Thanks everyone for the replies.
DD does seem very happy at the daycare which is why I have hemmed and hawed over this thing for so long. Also because I am not sure if this is just what to expect in her age group (age 2-3) or if things would not improve elsewhere.
Most of the scratches she has received have occurred on her face which has bothered me the most.
We have been mostly happy with the daycare except for this issue, which I think is a big one but as I said, is this just what happens in her age group?
I have heard from daycare providers that have said that this age group is the most difficult as they are too young to really follow the rules and cannot communicate well so resort to hitting, biting, etc out of frustration.

I did note that when I was visiting some other daycares (not the one I visited recently as it was an evening open house when other kids were not around), even a "prestigious one" that charges over $2100 a month for an infant (though their toddler rate was an absolute bargain at about $1600/mo! :P) many of the toddlers had marks on their face.