Do you have a painfully shy DC? How do you handle it?

[HIU8]

UPDATE

DS and I discussed it today. Especially b/c DS had a meltdown at a friends bday party. He only knows the bday boy and one other boy and he clung to me for 1 hour (poor DD is so used to being independent when this happens). Meanwhile this evening another chilld from the neighborhood said hi to DS and he stopped and waved and said hi back and told the little boy that he was going to the playground. When I asked DS why he behaved differently the night before with other children he told me he didn't want them to do bubbles on his lawn, just on his porch and he didn't want the girls there (at almost 4 girls have become yucky). We discussed appropriate behavior, so we shall see.

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DS is extremely shy. He isn't that way at school, just around the neighbor kids (most of whom are around his age). Tonight they all came over when they saw us blowing bubbles outside (with parents). DS didn't want them to do bubbles with him and ran to the porch laid down and started to wail. This is not the first time he has done this. However, he will go to their yards and play. He just does this when they come to his yard. DS will also not say hi to friends at school when we get there. He roars. Sometimes he smooshes his face into this look and stares at people when they say something to him. DH thinks we need to take DS to a psychologist b/c he thinks this behavior is b/c of something deeper that we need to take care of. I don't know what to think. Anyone BTDT?

[kcandz]

I made an agreement with DC at another time when these issues came up. We all come up with ideas, especially DC so DC has been empowered to make choices. So for example, if DC behaved this way in the morning at school, I would have the discussion before dinner so DC is safely away from the situation, and thus won't feel too anxious.

For the "hi" thing - I told DC that people are nice to each other by greeting each other. DC and I worked out that if feeling too shy to say hi, DC can wave. Then in the moment I gently prompt the "wave" so DC meets the agreement and does face that fear in a way that is comfortable. In your case, and I am no expert, but it seems like the roar is because your DC doesn't know *what* to do when saying hi is too much, so the roar is the first thing that comes out.

I recommend a similar conversation at another time regarding the playing issues. Come to an agreement that wailing in the corner of the yard is not an option, and brainstorm what is acceptable to both of you. Is your DC freaked out at the transition of family time being "invaded"? Is it a sharing issue, like maybe your DC wouldn't get any bubbles once the other kids joined in?

[Globetrotter]

He roars. Sometimes he smooshes his face into this look and stares at people when they say something to him. DH thinks we need to take DS to a psychologist b/c he thinks this behavior is b/c of something deeper that we need to take care of. I don't know what to think. Anyone BTDT?

OMG, that part sounds sort of like ds. He is also shy, and sometimes that comes across as being rude. He also roars - wow, I can't tell you how it feels to know someone else does this because I have a hard time with it.

He has a number of friends and is quite social with people he knows and with friends at school, so that's not an issue. However, in new situations or if he doesn't like something, sometimes he will make that face and roar or scowl. It takes him some time to get used to new situations so I have to be there and reassure him, but once he is comfortable he's a totally different child, very sweet and loving. He is also very loyal to people he knows well and likes. However, he's not a smiley kid (ironic, because he was the smiliest baby ever!) and it takes a lot to make him smile unless he knows you well... wow, sounds like dh! Given the big picture, I'm not too worried.

[Karenn]

Both my kids frequently feel very shy. When my DS was three he would roar at people in the grocery store. I asked around and apparently it's not all that uncommon, if that helps at all. :) DS feels shy far less frequently at 6 than he did at three. I've noticed a difference in DD from 1 1/2 to 3 1/2 too. I think it's something that kids often grow out of. So many of the "polite things" DS was too shy to do at age three come easily to him now. He'll greet people who greet him, say thank you when appropriate, and even make chit chat with the Starbucks barista. Before, if we went to a family party, he'd spend at least the first half hour behind my leg. Now he usually jumps in with both feet. He's still much more shy than a lot of other kids we know, but not like he was at 3 & 4. As for strategies, we try to treat shyness like any other feeling, let them know that it's normal and OK to feel shy sometimes and then give them words to articulate how they are feeling.